You ever get way too hot and bothered and solve that problem with a crisp graham cracker?
No?
Then you've probably been using them wrong.
They just make you feel good.
"Tradition of goodness" is one way to put it.
Another would be
"a tradition of trying to cure masturbation by boring your taste buds to death."
Back in the 1830s, Europe was in the throes of a deadly cholera epidemic
and Americans were worried, correctly,
that the disease was on its way over.
Many at the time thought that cholera was caused by sexual immorality.
Enter: the graham cracker.
It was named for Sylvester Graham, a minister and diet guru who thought that eating meat
made you horny.
Graham wrote that eating a juicy steak with wine could induce dreadful "sexual excesses."
He warned that masturbation impairs the "moral faculties"
and makes people's "eyes fall back into their sockets and perhaps become red and inflamed."
Which, in retrospect, sounds like they were doing a pretty good job!
In 1837, Graham released his "Treatise on Bread and Bread-Making,"
which was part cookbook and part morality lecture.
He traveled, giving talks, promoting his beliefs
and popularizing his recipe for what became graham crackers.
And Grahamism was born.
There were Graham houses, there was books written
about Grahamism and the food that he would serve.
It was a tremendous impact on America during the 1830s, 1840s.
The original graham cracker was a little more like bread and quite bland,
intentionally, so as not to immorally arouse the taste buds.
Graham, for his part, would have hated the modern graham cracker,
which is sweetened so as to make you incredibly horny.
I'm kidding,
but we'll come back to that later.
'Cause that's not the only childhood
snack that was invented to cure sexual arousal.
Before Graham died, he caught the attention of one of
the most famous doctors of the late 19th century:
John Harvey Kellogg.
And here's where it gets… really out of hand.
Kellogg was another… nutritionist…
who believed that masturbation was an abominable crime
and a "sin against nature."
He was so afraid of sex that he slept in a separate room
from his wife and adopted all of his own children.
Kellogg ran Battle Creek Sanitarium,
a health spa where patients ate food normally
only fit for animal consumption.
At Battle Creek, you could treat various personal ailments with experimental solutions
like electroshock therapy, lamp treatment and slapping machines.
But that's not why you know who Kellogg was.
Carrying forth the torch of anti-masturbation,
Kellogg added eggs, coffee and tea to his list of horny foods
and invented a substitute: cornflakes.
It all sounds goofy and absurd, but sexual temperance also did a lot of harm.
For young boys and girls who couldn't control basic sexual impulses,
Kellogg advocated genital mutilation.
For children.
Fast forward to the 20th century, and sexual temperance
moves on from food and more toward alcohol.
After World War I, the temperance movement faced a slew of new moral panics,
like women's liberation.
Today's sexual temperance plays out mostly in education.
What is the best way to teach sex education?
Should teaching sex ed be a crime?
That's right — abstinence-only education is making a comeback.
In March, the Trump administration told groups
applying for family-planning funds to emphasize
"the benefits of avoiding sexual risk."
And in mid-April, Trump officials visiting the U.N.
asked that references to sex ed be cut out
of a document about international women's issues.
This is Dan Savage.
He's one of the country's most notable sex columnists.
What we know of abstinence education is that at best it delays the
onset of sexual activity by about six to nine months,
but then when a kid becomes sexually active, whose had only abstinence-only education,
they're less likely to use protection, less likely to use condoms or birth control,
which they've been told are ineffective,
more likely to get an STI or experience an unplanned pregnancy.
We've tried using everything from bland food to moral scolding to bad science
to try to and get people to stop having sex for all of human history.
Sometimes it's been absurd, often it's been harmful.
But one thing we know for certain is:
It just doesn't work.
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