Hey there this is clay with modern love doubt life
And this is the relationship in her game experience now my voice might sound a little bit weird
Today because I'm kind of on the tail end of a cold I got a little bit sick
Over the weekend, and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty much over it my voice to me sounds a little bit weird
I think that might be because my ears are stuffed up
I don't know if my voice actually sounds weird, but who knows anyway today. I want to talk about the topic of
relationship goals and the whole idea of
outcomes and
processes okay now when it comes to
Dealing with a lot of people who want help in various aspects of their dating and relationship life
I see a lot of people that have a lot of outcomes that they have in mind relationship goals so to speak
You know maybe they want to work things out with their partner
They want to get back together with their ex, maybe they want to have a great girlfriend a great boyfriend
Maybe they want to get married or something along these lines, and they want me to help them make this happen
But what they often don't realize is that these these goals that they have these outcomes that they want
Aren't just something that you do right because in our society we
We often look at outcomes
we often look at goals, and we look at the vents and we look at these big moments in people's lives right look at
Maybe for example a college kid who maybe plays on the basketball team at college or something like that and how he gets signed
into the professional sports league and and all of that and we look at that more like wow that
Kid was just playing playing college basketball, and now he's you know making millions of dollars
As a professional athlete right we look at that. Will you say okay? Wow? That's that's that's a goal
That's an event that's an outcome that how could I do that right?
But we don't always see the process that led up to that outcome
We don't see the the hours and hours of practice that that kid put in practicing basketball
We don't see the time that maybe he was injured and had to go on the long road to recovery
We don't see the time that he was turned down for the team and he had to
You know tighten up his game and come back the next season or something like that instead
We just see the big event or we you know the the startup
Company that that got bought out for millions of dollars, and now they're obscenely wealthy
But we see the person that the lost 50 pounds or a hundred pounds or something like that
But we don't see all of the little moments in between
That took the times where they had to say no to the birthday cake and eat salad instead or the times that the startup company
Founder had to work 16-hour days or anything like that. We don't see the process
because our our
Society for the most part doesn't glorify
process it glorifies
outcomes glorifies goals
And it's exactly the same when it comes to relationships
You know people want these outcomes people want these goals they want to get married. They want to have a great girlfriend. They want to
save their relationship or get back together, but
They don't look at what it takes to actually get there. They don't look at what it takes to actually
Have somebody
Want to marry you they don't look at what it takes to have somebody want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend?
They don't look at what it takes to have somebody want to get back together with you or work things out with you
Instead they just look at okay. What can I say to make it happen? What can I what can I?
What can I tell her to make her want to go out on a date with me?
What can I do to make him want to marry me instead of asking themselves like okay? What is it?
I need to do with how I'm bringing myself these interactions
That's going to make me an attractive person
That maybe somebody's gonna want to date me or maybe somebody's gonna want to be my boyfriend or girlfriend or maybe
Somebody's gonna want to marry me or maybe somebody's gonna want to get back together with me, right
And so you have to look at the process right and that's really what we teach in our courses in our
Our videos that we put up on YouTube on our email newsletters, etc and of course in these relationship in our game
What exactly is
Process when it comes to relationships
the process is is really about two separate parts number one is about how you're bringing yourself to the
Interactions right are you able to be
Present with the person in front of you. I don't just mean you're physically there
I mean that you're actually emotionally able to connect with them
You're not up off
your head trying to
calculate whether or not you know you're
Looking high status or cool or whether or not you're in the friend zone or anything like that
You're actually just being with the other person
You know surprisingly that actually helps you connect with somebody and if you can actually have a good connection with them
They might actually want to be in a relationship with you surprising, right
So get out of your head and get into the present moment
Can you be emotionally curious about that person's experience right when you start to actually take an emotional?
Curiosity towards somebody empathize with them connect with them wonder about what they're going through
You're able to create an emotional bond with that person and of course if you can bond
Emotionally somebody they might actually want to be in a relationship with you
Can you be vulnerable and transparent about how you feel and what you want?
Or are you more caged off afraid of rocking the boat, and you just want them to make all the choices?
Or do you just want to look kind of polished and and perfect or something like that as opposed to showing them your true?
Colors your your true personality, right?
Because surprisingly people don't want to be with perfect people people don't want to be with people that never
Speak up
People want to be with people that that have a real personality that that that are not afraid to tell you what's going on with
them and
Aren't afraid to just broadcast. What's what's on their mind right and so the more of yourself that you can share the better
That's actually going to actually help people connect with you and the more people connect with you the more
They might actually want to be in a relationship with you you see how this goes and so these are some important things about
Process the better you can get at these things the better you'll be able to connect with people in the long run
Now the second part about process is more about the things that you actually do now of course
This is not to be emphasized at the expense of what we just talked about which is the emotional connection?
They're both equally important, but the things you actually do are also equally important as well
too if you want to connect with somebody you have to you know
pick up the phone and call them or or ask them out on a date or something like that right you can't just
Hope and wait that somehow things work out
Or if you want to end up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend you actually have to put yourself in situations where you're exposed to
People and you can meet them right you can't just have the perfect person
Come knocking at your door most of us can't do that anyway right you have to actually go into the world and meet somebody
or you know join a website like match.com or something like that and actually expose yourself to
Certain people right and so there. There's a certain process
Involved in getting what you want, and of course you know that that
Aspect of doing things is going to depend on what your outcome is right if you want somebody to
To marry you you have to have a great solid relationship
you have to
Really demonstrate to them that the two of you
Have a good future together and all that stuff if you want somebody to want to get back together with you you
Have to do similar things like that if you want to meet somebody to be your boyfriend your girlfriend
You have to put yourself out there a little bit
And so these are the kinds of things that you have to do on a consistent basis
It's not just about you know trying to rig the system in your favor or anything like that
It's really about being willing to put in those long hours like some of our other examples before
such as the this the
College student who ends up becoming a professional athlete such as the startup founder that ends up being bought out by a large company
Such as the person who went on a diet and ended up losing a tremendous amount of weight now
they're in shape right these aren't just magical things that happen these are things that happen because of a process because of
That person was able to put in the time going through the grind going through the boring
Unrewarding
unglamorous work of whatever it is that they were doing that eventually led and created the
Context for the great outcome that they got in the future, so if you want the goal if you want the outcome if you want
Whatever the event is that you're looking for in your love life
The best thing you can do is to focus on the process because that is going to create the context that's going to maximize
the probability that you're going to get what you want, you know you're much more likely to
Get a boyfriend or a girlfriend if you go out there and meet people if you're easy to connect with if you're constantly
Improving your social skills and all of that then if you just sit at home wishing and hoping and praying right
It's pretty obvious and so when you create that
Context you're you're setting yourself up to welcome in the goal welcome in the outcome welcome
The event and that's how you go ahead and reach your relationship goals
So it's important to really focus on the process more than the outcome
Because when you really think about it the outcome that you want isn't really
What you really want anyway right so for example a lot of people?
Sometimes write in to me, and they want help saving a relation they want help getting back together with their ex
But it's not like they just want to be back together with their ex
It's not like they just want to log into Facebook and change their status and say hey
I'm back in a relationship with so-and-so again
What they want is they want the connection they want the bonding they want the closeness and that?
Isn't just a matter of you know logging in and updating their their profile, right?
There's a lot of people that are back together their ex and they're miserable
There's a lot of people that are in a relationship
And they're bored there's a lot of people that are in a a marriage
There's a lot of people that are married to each other and their life isn't happy it's not wonderful
They're just kind of you know quietly putting up with each other because the relationship died a long time ago
So you don't really want the the goal the outcome the event that you think you might be looking for
what you really want is what you think that's going to get you and
What you think that's going to get you is probably some form of
Closeness love connection something like that and that's really what you want
then go for that don't try to to go for the goal hoping that it's going to get you what you really want and
The thing that you really want the love the connection the closeness that can be had without
The label without the label of a relationship without the label of a marriage without the label of being
Back together or anything like that you can go for it right now
if you just simply create the
Context for for that emotional connection and go through the process of building that emotional connection go through the process of
Putting yourself out there contacting somebody spending time with each other
going out on dates
Getting out of the house all of these sorts of things right if you put yourself in
the state of mind where you're investing in the
Process rather than the outcome you're gonna do much better in the long run so with that being said let's go over to our questions
for this week
okay, everybody our first question is from Charlie Charlie Wrightson says my question is you say not to point score or
Worry about initiating conversation to take responsibility for where you want the relationship to lead which I fully agree with
But you also say to not do this in a way that makes you a clingy or desperate
I text my ex every day mainly I think because I wake up first and we have conversations every day
He text me before work for around an hour during and on his break
But then right now usually evenings and weekends
he will just not respond even if I asked and open it in question so am I making myself look desperate by ignoring that and
Still texting him or simply taking control
Ok Charlie, so when it comes to this kind of thing
You're right. It is important not to keep score, and it is important to take responsibility for
Where you want the relationship to go and you know?
Initiating contact and and being willing to do all of that stuff
But when it comes to what I'm talking about here when it comes to looking desperate or clingy
This is all about giving unearned attention ok so
Like we were talking about I think with Clyde a week ago. There is a difference between
Earned attention and unearned attention and the example that I gave Clyde was
construction workers that the super cliche example of construction workers that catcall at a woman and say that she's you know
sexy and all that stuff right and
that is unearned attention for the woman, which is why very few women respond positively to
Catcalling right it's because basically you're just saying hey. You are physically attractive. I want to interact with you
That's not something that she earned she didn't put any effort into looking physically attractive
You know yeah Actually may have you know done her makeup or something like that or have taken care of her body or something like that?
But she didn't do it with the express interest of
Getting the attention of the construction workers
She might have done it in order to get the attention of maybe some guy at work
Or her boyfriend or something like that, but not for those guys
Therefore their attention is earned
however if you
interact with your ex or somebody else and
They contribute something to the interaction like they
express some sort of vulnerability or
share some part of their emotional experience or
Otherwise have skin in the game of the interaction, then that is earned
Affection okay so for example if your ex is talking about how he's really passionate about
I don't know some some event that he's going to or something like that
You could say wow the way that you talk about that charitable event I can really see your passion
I find that really sexy and that is very different from catcalling right because he
Contributed something to that conversation. He poured his heart out and shared what his
Experience was right and so there. There's a big difference between being over invested and
being appropriately invested in a conversation now if you're texting your ex and
You know he's not investing in the conversation then you know that's fine, right?
that's that's you making a low-stakes bet like we talked about just don't double down on that bet because then you're just
really increasing and over investing on that part, okay, so so you know you might text your ex and
You know maybe they respond in which case okay cool great now
You're going somewhere if they don't respond then you don't double down on that interaction except
Maybe to answer the question as if it had been asked to you yourself
and then if you still get nothing then I would just
let that go and then maybe try again at some other point in time okay when you actually do get a
Response and you do get them to invest in the conversation
That's that's where I would take that okay, so being desperate and needy is really just
over investing and giving somebody
unearned
affection or unearned
compliments or unearned attention of some sort okay whereas
Appropriate levels of investment, it doesn't matter who is initiating contact
It doesn't matter whether it's you or whether it's him or anything like that that the point isn't that?
Contact has been initiated or that a text message has been
The point is what is being communicated right just like it doesn't matter who is talking it matters
What that person is saying right and so the important thing is that both people are investing?
Emotionally in the conversation. It's not just like one of these one-sided
Conversations where you know you're just going on and on and on and you're like you know well is it like for you
How was your trip to such and such a place and they're just like it was good
It was okay
And you like oh wow that must have been so exciting to go to this place and to be in a completely new city that
You've never been to before or not yes
alright
And like that's that kind of thing is where the other person is just
Not invested, and you are way over invested
that would come across probably as clingy and desperate however if you were to not over invest in that situation and
Notice that the other person isn't sharing much and say well
I noticed that you're not really describing about much about your trip - I don't know Cincinnati or something well
Why is that did you not?
Enjoy it, and I might say well. Actually I did enjoy like what did you enjoy about it?
And then you know then they can start sharing something
and then you have something to work with and you and then you're not over investing and you're actually encouraging them to invest in the
Dynamic and where it's going so I hope that clears it up what the difference is between
taking
responsibility and initiating
Conversations versus being a clingy and desperate charlie so with that being said thanks for your question
and if you have any follow-up questions
Please feel free to ask those next time all right our next question is from Reyes Reyes write sentences
Hi clay this question is about rebound situations each rebound situation for everyone is unique and how our format takes
The key point as you tell us is to focus solely on the emotional connection with our ex and to focus on
process and not events
Facebook doesn't matter what they say to us or about their rebound such as we will never get back together
Or I love my new partner or we can't be friends doesn't matter
What they do?
With each other doesn't matter however for those of us facing our ex and the rebound on a regular basis such as if we are
co-workers or school mates
There is an additional layer of difficulty as we would be challenged to quote look into the eye of the monster end quote and be
unswerving approach
focusing on connection
Yes
That is all that matters the rebound
Situation will melt away on its own when we deploy the decoy strategy getting our exes to choose us over our past selves that
Said it's challenging when our exes would be open flirty or even
Loving to us in private yet still hold on to the rebound and even closer
Than ever or seemingly happier than ever in public right next to us there for what would be the best approach to
situations in which your ex and his rebound are
Happily, and affectionately together in public and around us even while we are having great connection and high-quality
interactions in private okay, so when it comes to
situations like this what I would do is I would just
Talk to my ex directly I would just let my ex know that it's very
uncomfortable for me when
them and their rebound partner are
very physically affectionate with each other
In public when I'm around I would just let them know that and say that
That if if they continue to do that then I don't know if that's you know if I can still be with you in private
Okay, if that's your boundary anyway
You have to you have to stop and think about what your boundary might be or or how you want to deal with this
Right so for example your ex might not know that this is having this impact on you in which case you know he might be?
a little bit dense
But he might not know that being
Very publicly affectionate and having all these public displays of affection and all of that with his current partner
While you are around is actually very difficult for you emotionally
So you might want to tell him that and communicate that to him?
And then if you want him to do something
Then you have to tell him say something along the lines of hey you would really mean a lot to me if you guys could
Keep that on the down-low when I'm around or something like that right, and you know that's not an unreasonable request
I don't think it's not unreasonable for somebody to say hey, you know this is my ex over here
I don't want to like stir up the pot too much
So is it okay if we just keep it kind of?
Civil and polite and all that well
We're at this class or while we're at this
Work function or whatever it might be and then you know we can go do our things later on and I think that's a normal
thing for somebody to to
Request, and I think that would be a normal way for somebody to respond
So I don't think that it would be out of line in terms of
Asking him that sort of thing and I don't think it would be strange for him to
Oblige to it either if that's what you would like for him to do
I would say directly ask him to do that and
If he is unable or unwilling
To do that then you have to take that as feedback take it out his feedback that that he's the kind of person that is
Unable or unwilling to do this for you
And then ask yourself is this the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with this is the kind of person?
You want to pursue a relationship with somebody who is?
Unable or unwilling to do this in my opinion perfectly the reasonable thing that you would ask them
And if the answer is yes, I still want to be in a relationship with this kind of person
I still want to see where this goes and fine go ahead and do that but you got to drop this whole
Thing about the public display of affection if it's not okay, then you need to say okay
well hey this guy just saved me a whole lot of extra time and energy and heartache the I
disqualifying himself by just not
doing what I what I politely requested of him and just letting me know in no uncertain terms that my needs my desires my
emotional needs are not something that he can consider in his actions and
Then let him go and create space in your life for you to welcome somebody who is able to
Meet your needs and be respectful of your needs and all of that stuff
So that's what I would recommend in that sort of situation okay Reyes anyway
I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here
Okay our next question is from ilithyia dear clay. Thanks for the response to my last question
I clearly wasn't damage control mode because when my ex
Finally responded to my message after 10 days of no contact saying that he was busy and would get back to me
I immediately sent him a number of texts which again got no response after two days of not hearing from him
I went to his house to meet him
it was then that I asked him why he feels that we should not meet or
Text so often he mentioned that he does not want his feelings to come back because he cannot and will not get back
Together with me again
He also mentioned that my wall of texts annoy him, and he does not feel like responding
He also became agitated and frustrated saying that talking to me stresses him out
and he could not afford any of that because he has so much on his plate that he needs to deal with I
Broke down emotionally because I reminded him that I did not want
What happened with my sister to happen with him my sister has not spoken to me for four years now
after a
Misunderstanding that we had and he took that opportunity to point out that I should also allow him time to reach out to me even
If it takes months or years when I calmed down
I told him that all I wanted was to be friends again
And he hugged me and walked me to my car even though the interaction ended on a good note
It was clear that he still holds a lot of resentment towards me especially
When he mentioned that he had done enough from his side to make things work
And it was totally my fault that we broke up
I really feel that I need to take time away from him and work on accepting the break-up and letting go of my bad emotions
Would that justify another ANC of say three weeks for me to heal emotionally while also giving him time to?
Reach out to me. Okay, so when it comes to ANC and how it differs from passive no contact again
We're not doing this for the purpose of making your ex miss you so they want to reach out to you and contact
You or anything like that the main reason? We're doing active
No contact is one to get out of damage control mode and to to work on
Developing and cultivating the advanced relational skills so that when we do get back in touch with our exes
We are able to have much more high-quality
interactions with them okay
And I can tell that that maybe this is something that would benefit you based off of something that you said earlier
On in your question such as he the wall of texts annoy him, and he doesn't feel like responding
and he doesn't want his feelings to come back because
he cannot get back together with you again, and and the reason that I say that is because
Here you're not focusing on having high quality interactions with him you're focusing on
trying to
Recreate the relationship or something along those lines, okay?
And again like we've talked about before or when you are relationship focused your ex sees this as you
Looking to them as a means to an end
They are a means to an end for you of feeling better so that you can be in a relationship
Okay, if you are in a relationship, then you will feel better
And they are the one that has to deal with that right
and so if they don't
understand that you get them emotionally if they don't understand that you can connect with them on an emotional level then they're going to
see any
Communication with you as being relationship focused and you looking to them as a means to an end
If on the other hand you can be connection focused and really displays with advanced relational skills
And get out of damage control mode and all of that stuff then they're going to actually enjoy interacting with you
And it's going to bring the two of you closer together again so for that reason I actually
would say that active no contact would be a
Great thing for you to do for three weeks or for however long it takes for you to be able to have high quality
Interactions with your ex that feel good on an emotional level
So what I would strongly recommend is that you do active no contact by doing active no contact
I mean actually go through and
Practice the advanced relational skills develop them and cultivate them so that when you get back together with your ex
It's not just like passive. No contact where you know just a period of in this case
Let's just say three weeks have passed and
You're just hoping that somehow something is different and somehow something is better
so I want you to actually take matters into your own hands because in the matter and to
actually
Develop advanced relational skills so that you know that you are not bringing the same version of ilithyia
to the table that your ex is already well aware of
Exists and does not want to interact with okay so for that reason I would definitely recommend doing
Active no contact okay our next question is from Rick Rick writes in and says hey clay
We reach out to our exes in the hope of
Reconnecting and building a stronger emotional bond with them in order to get another shot at having a relationship with them in
my opinion
There is no way we can hide this agenda and pretend that we don't have expectations so when we approach them
Whichever way for sure they see what we are doing
Or at least feel that we are attempting to connect with them and that we have an ulterior motive
Most people here, and that includes me want this outcome. That's why we are here after all and I think we're trying to act
Believing we are okay with any outcome that might arise
but we are not I
strongly believe that it's only going to work and keep working in the long run if we really truly let go and heal completely and
Accept wholeheartedly whatever outcomes result from our efforts in the end if I can speak for myself
I've tried to be strategic in my efforts so the connection can develop with my ex at this time
She doesn't want that to happen
I know I should be able to tell if she wants it through empathy and be okay with whatever desire
She has in that respect through acceptance we choose to believe that we can act in a way to get the desired outcome
But maybe in this particular case trying to reconnect with an ex actions and words aren't as important as our state of mind
How healed and attached we are have I understood this correctly
Thanks for your time when it comes to this sort of thing yes absolutely your state of mind
Or as I've been saying in the past your way of being is
Absolutely critical more so than saying the right words or doing the right things, okay?
Trust me the the the words and the actions that you take are going to arise out of
Having the right state of mind. They're going to arise out of
Having the right state of being now in terms of what you say like pretty much impossible to have
To not have an ulterior motive
I don't know if I necessarily agree with that when I was getting back together with my ex one of the times we broke up
it was it was actually laws on a study abroad program and then
we we did like no contact and all that stuff, and then eventually we we got back together and
when we met up for the first time I actually wasn't sure what to think about her or or
Where I want things to go or anything like that she she just called me
distressed one day saying that she had missed me and that she wanted to get together and
I knew that I was going to be back in our hometown
I think it was the next weekend or something like that and so we agreed to meet up
for coffee and
At that point I didn't I didn't know if I want to get back together with her or not because my perception of her had
Changed a lot based off of the thing that had some things that happened during our breakup
And so I was I was just more or less
Open-minded as to who this person might be
So I didn't walk in thinking that I knew who she was I didn't walk in thinking that I knew everything about her
Instead I was more curious
So I did have that level of empathy that level of curiosity that level of trying to
Trying to hear and understand who this person might be and so in that respect
I wasn't attached outcome and so in in I think that might have helped me at that particular point in time, so
Yeah, you do have it right in that your your state of mind is absolutely much more important than what you say or do okay?
Because if you try to say or do something from the wrong state of mind. It's going to come across as artificial
it's going to come across as like some sort of gimmick or stunt or act that you're putting on or
something along those lines so what I would recommend is that you
First focus on your way of being how are you bringing yourself to the interaction?
Are you bringing yourself to the interaction thinking that you have something to prove to your ex that your ex is some sort of like?
Divine Being who's judging you as good enough or not good enough or something like that if so
Then that's probably the wrong way of being you don't want to come to your ex as if you're you know some sort of
Groveling peasant looking for their blessing or anything like that
That's not the right way of being yet
So many people are trying to
Get back together with their ex from that state of being and they don't understand why their ex is turning them away
And it's because they are in a sense being desperate and needy, okay
And this goes beyond the obvious
forms of desperation and neediness such as you know begging and pleading and calling like a million times a day and stuff
As long as you are having that emotional experience within yourself whatever you say, or do even if it's like obviously
desperate and needy stuff like calling a million times a day or even if it's
Cloaked like trying to pretend that you're cool or the alpha male or something like that
It's going to come across as fake
And it's not going to be genuine or authentic and your ex is probably going to see right through it
That's why it's important to work on actually
being
maybe for example
Curious about what your ex's experiences actually being interested in connecting with them actually
Being interested in having real
heart-to-heart conversations rather than trying to connect emotionally with who you think your ex is or
Who you think your ex is based off of the relationship that you used to have or something along those lines, okay?
So that's why your state of being. That's why?
Your way of being is absolutely vitally important, which is again as what we talked about last time
Or maybe it was the time before that on the relationship inner game
That definitely go back and check that out, but yes
Rick that is exactly what I was getting to when it comes to all of that stuff
So thank you for for checking in and yes you do have that correct, so yeah
I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
The next question is from vixen vixen writes in and says hi clay my question is I guess a follow-up to my last
Question I got to see my ex a few weeks ago, and we are on relatively good terms, I think
He was fine seeing me in a group with some friends however
we didn't talk much and he still won't answer any of my
Texts since then I have just been sending him periodic texts about different things and stuff that
Comes up like a friend would his graduation for college is coming up, and I want to say something nice for it
I figure I just won't really try and reach out to him anymore until then which is may 13th
with the current situation of him being okay hanging out in a group even if he doesn't respond to my texts or
Me making plans you've told me in the past that I'd need more rapport before I ask anything along the lines of
Him feeling uncomfortable with me keeping in contact with him or him being uncomfortable with me making plans with him
And I guess I agree. I just don't know what else to do one if he continues to not answer me
What should I do in lieu of asking him directly if he doesn't really want to keep in contact?
Or it makes him uncomfortable
And - what is something that I could say for his graduation and what is your advice on that?
I don't want it to be too generic
And I'm not really sure now since his response record is so poor okay number one
Don't worry about the graduation thing if you work on your way of being if you work on
How it is you want to connect with him then it will take care of itself?
Okay, it will take care of itself so just as an example my sister
And I who I'm still kind of getting back in touch with
From from you know not being in touch for a long time those of you. Who've been following it for a while
I know that I'm just now getting back in touch with my dad's side of the family
You know for like the past year or so and you know my sister, and I we keep in touch
But you know we're still building that that like sibling closeness right and so we were supposed to hang out on
On a Saturday, and I was there, and she wasn't showing up, and I thought maybe she's running late
And I didn't think much about it because she is
Usually late when she goes places
But then you know it was like an hour late and so that I just reached out her
And I just contact her and I said hey are you having a hard time finding the place?
you need any did you get hung up on something or something like that and I still didn't hear back from her and
Then I figured that she had just you know forgotten or something came up or whatever and anyway later on that afternoon
I got a message from her saying that she had like just completely forgotten she got the dates mixed up
She thought it was gonna be Sunday that we met up and so she she her phone was off
Because she was doing some other stuff, and then she turned it on she got my message and found out that whoops
It was Saturday and not Sunday, and so I you know I just told her hey don't worry about it
It's okay, because I mean you know I genuinely meant it
But you know like we talked about that can often come across as just sort of like a generic
Pointless thing that people often say you know like how are you? Oh? I'm good right even if you mean it
it's it's gonna come across as kind of generic and pointless and
Insincere right and so I could have just left it at that and just kind of been like okay
Yeah, well you know sure I let her know it was okay
And we just left heard that but I also noticed something in the message that she sent me which was a I?
Totally left you hanging
I'm a horrible sister
And I noticed that there was a lot of blame that she was putting on herself for for this mistake that she made and so
From a place of being you know somebody who wanted to
Have a good quality
relationship from one sibling to another I noticed that and
So from there, I sent her another message
That said hey just so you know I'm never gonna judge you and I'm always gonna be on your side
Okay
So you don't have to worry about being hard on yourself or anything like that because you've always got a place in my life
Something along those lines and that connected with her right. It was it's not the usual kind of hey. Don't worry about it
It's okay
Kind of thing it's something that sticks out and it came from my way of being of wanting to be
The the kind of brother that always has his sisters back, okay?
so
that is that's the kind of thing that I'm talking about what I'm talking about the way of being and
How it is going to inspire you to say something right is somebody who doesn't know your ex is somebody who doesn't know?
What your ex is studying what his plans are after graduation?
Well his personality is like what his concerns are about the future
What his fears are what his hopes are what his dreams are anything?
I can't tell you what to text him that's going to stick out and make him say Wow
Vixen is really awesome
I need to get back to her or I'm gonna respond to this or this is really important right but but if you
Are having the appropriate way of being and if you have really worked on the advanced relational skills enough to be able to catch things
About him then you'll be able to do things like what I was able to do with my sister right I was able to
observe the fact that yeah
She was actually being really hard on herself when she said she was a horrible sister
and I was able to
connect with her in a way that I wanted to connect with her as you know like siblings that always have each other's back and
So that's what I was able to do I was able to break that trance of you know. Oh, hey. Don't worry about it
It's okay. Good. All good. Don't worry. It's all good
Maybe next time you know that and I was actually able to
To say something meaningful to her that was able to connect with her and leave her
Really touched okay in regards to your first question it seems
He is okay to hang out with you so the next time the two of you hang out in
Person you know with friends or something like that step aside with him and just just let him know hey
I really enjoy spending time with you however. I've noticed that often times. It seems like sometimes
You don't want to interact with me or something like that is anything going on anything
That I should know about or anything like that right you know when you're on
Person you can build that rapport when you're in person you can create that kind of connection so that you have the kind of foundation
Where you can ask him this sort of thing okay?
I wouldn't necessarily do it out of the blue you could but again like I said before that
That might be a little bit difficult without the degree of rapport
But you can build that rapport
When the two of you are together in a group of friends or something along those lines right because it seems like that's something that
That he doesn't have a problem with so that's what I'd recommend in that situation
So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go
Moving forward from here next question is from Dean Dean writes in and says hi clay
Thank you for getting the time to read this message
Me and my ex split up a few months ago since then she took me out for dinner to say
Thank you for my support over the year as she's just completed post-grad
She wanted to remain friends and open to meeting up in the future
I declined friendship as I still wanted more obviously a mistake at the time since then I
Retracted that statement and said it's a great opportunity to remain friends, but she didn't believe that I could have a change of heart
So quickly she said it's best if we have a period of not talking. I have since reached out three weeks later
We have had positive interactions. She then messaged me a few later wishing me a happy birthday again
We had some positive interactions Irish out a few days later, but after a few messages
She said that we should have less contact
I used advanced relational skills to show empathy and said that I respect her boundaries
I reached out a few weeks later and got a neutral response
I tried continuing the conversation, but she said it pains me to say it
But I guess I care enough about you. Not to make it harder. I feel we should stop
Continuous contact. I respected her decision for space
Question number one would you suggest not reaching out to her again until she reaches out to me. It's her birthday
And an important event in being her brother's suicide anniversary next month would it be?
Distressful to break contact during those times and in direct communication such as liking Facebook
Posts should this stop during the period of no contact, okay, so when it comes to no contact yeah
You're not going to be liking your ex phases Facebook post and ideally not gonna be reading your ex's
Facebook newsfeed or anything like that again go through the no contact section of the ESP course
Where we talk about things such as how to deal with social media while you're on no contact and stuff like that would it be
Distressful to break contact during these times. I mean I don't know
I don't really know exactly what your ex's relationship with her brother's suicide
Anniversary is I mean obviously. It's not a great experience, but I don't know how she generally deals with it
I don't know how she deals with that anniversary
I don't know how she how that affects her
But you probably do so what I would do is I would feel into the situation and try to figure out how I would best
Contact her or not contact her during that period of time what I'm seeing a lot of in your interactions though is
You know she says something like hey
I don't think we should be in contact and you say I used empathy and respected her decision for space and
I want to make it clear that that is not necessarily
What I am recommending in these sorts of situations now that could be what you might do
Absolutely again what I want to do is to empower you to feel into the?
Situation to know what the right thing to do is in your situation
Okay, this is this is not me telling you to do one thing or the other you have to be the author of your own
life you have to be the author of your own love story you have to make your own choices and
Go for them a hundred percent
But when it comes to acceptance when it comes to curiosity when it comes to all of that stuff. I'm not saying
Acceptance is just about you know whatever your ex says just hey take it say
Yes, your ex says don't contact me anymore say. Yes your ex says I hate your guts say
Yes, your ex says never contact me again say
Yes your ex says you know go take a hike say yes that that is not what I'm
You do it all what I would advocate for you instead is to
Feel into the situation, and if it seems right to you have a little bit of curiosity and say well
What is it that makes you?
hesitant about keeping in contact or
You know something along those lines
so you can understand what her concerns are so you can understand where she's coming from and
If need be you can say something well
Hey, well what if we just agreed that that you know?
We're just gonna keep this platonic for the time being until I can figure out
What it means for us to be friends or?
What if we just agreed though that we're not gonna fall in love with each other and ever again
You know with like a kind of smiley face kind of flirty thing or something like that depending on what the situation is again
I don't know what the right thing to do in your situation is but you have to feel into it, okay
And I just want to make it clear to you though that
Having emotional acceptance is not about just you know grinning and nodding and going with the flow or anything like that
Having emotional acceptance is accepting that something that has actually happened has happened
Okay, and then that takes you to the next point which is what are you gonna do about it, right?
Then you have to respond from a place of authenticity
From a place that genuinely expresses how it is that you feel? What it is that you want etcetera etc, okay?
It's not about just nodding and smiling and going with the flow passively okay, that is not what I would recommend at all
Okay, your second question is what a fresh start letter be appropriate here
I don't know is there anything in particular that you feel like apologizing for you said that
Like you agreed that you said you didn't want to be friends, and you think that that was a mistake
But I don't know if that's something that you should like go out of your way to
Apologize for just the way you described it
It doesn't seem like something that would warrant the fresh start letter, but if that's something that that I'm misunderstanding here
And it is something that warrants a fresh start letter, then by all means go ahead and do that but again
That's something you have to feel into the situation to do here
Okay Mike my goal is to teach you advanced relational skills to teach you how to have a great relationship
So that you don't need me in the future to be you know kind of
Spoon feeding you all this stuff down the road here
I want you to be able to feel into this situation so I want you to practice that
now by feeling into the situation putting yourself in your ex's position and
Saying if I were my ex would receiving a fresh start letter for me feel good on an emotional level
or would it feel bad on an emotional level would it increase the connection between us or
Decrease the connection between us would it make me think wow he finally gets me
I can I can like let down my guard and we can finally talk
Or would it make her think wow this is weird. What is he apologizing for right?
You have to feel into the situation and know what the right thing to do is so that's what I would recommend
Okay
your third question is
There anything I can do differently to move the conversation forward if my ex is being stubborn to engage in a conversation
Such as only neutral comment, okay?
Yeah, so that that's really where the whole acceptance thing that I just went on about is really bad
I would take more curiosity in her experience I would ask her more questions about her experience and
Try to engage her on that emotional level so that we can actually have a conversation
With her about where she's coming from and what sorts of things. She's actually wanting and so we can really understand each other, okay?
So so that's really what I would recommend in your situation
Okay
so I hope that helps you out Dean and
Please keep us updated on how things go moving forward all right and our next question is from our old faithful reliable friend Clyde
Clyde writes in and says hey clay
This is a bit of a technical question
You usually advise people to use better means of communication
So it is better to have phone calls rather than text messages in order to create a better emotional connection
And I'm totally with you on that
I hate texting with anyone, and I prefer to call however people in their 20s these days. Just don't call ever it's very weird
it's a very weird thing for them to do so if a person is going to receive a call and
Be like oh I had forgotten my phone could be used for this should we just discard this option? I'm asking because
Yesterday was my ex's birthday, and I called to wish her a happy birthday my two calls didn't go through
I don't know why I ended up leaving a message on whatsapp, but anyway
I was very afraid when calling because of that reason so when it comes to technology
You know yeah people in general are changing the way that they relate to
things like cell phones, right
back in the days before
Smartphones before texting was really much of a thing people would just call each other on cell phones
I used to do that often with you know my very good friend back then and you know as time progressed we started to just
Drift more towards texting, but you know we still do talk on the phone and all that stuff
But but here's the thing you can always
Text somebody and see hey are you open for a phone call or something like that just to check in with them?
Before you just kind of you know barge into their world
And so that that's that's definitely something that you could do you know you could you could say something like hey?
I'm out for a walk, and I was thinking of you
and I obviously can't walk and text at the same time at those I might get hit by a car or
something like that would it be okay if I texted you or you know if you're if you're
Texting back and forth with somebody and you have some degree of rapport going you say hey
It's really nice talking to you like this
I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or something like this
would you mind if I texted you so that I could keep talking to you without you know getting my phone covered in like
Beef slime or something like that right, so
that's something that I would recommend when it comes to trying to shift up to a higher level of conversation rather than just
You know keeping the conversation in text
Message level, okay, so Clyde
I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here with your situation
and if you have any more
Philosophical questions about love and relationships alright, so those have been our questions for this week
Thank you once again for watching this episode of the relationship inner game
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