News on Youtube May 5 2018

Hey there this is clay with modern love doubt life

And this is the relationship in her game experience now my voice might sound a little bit weird

Today because I'm kind of on the tail end of a cold I got a little bit sick

Over the weekend, and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty much over it my voice to me sounds a little bit weird

I think that might be because my ears are stuffed up

I don't know if my voice actually sounds weird, but who knows anyway today. I want to talk about the topic of

relationship goals and the whole idea of

outcomes and

processes okay now when it comes to

Dealing with a lot of people who want help in various aspects of their dating and relationship life

I see a lot of people that have a lot of outcomes that they have in mind relationship goals so to speak

You know maybe they want to work things out with their partner

They want to get back together with their ex, maybe they want to have a great girlfriend a great boyfriend

Maybe they want to get married or something along these lines, and they want me to help them make this happen

But what they often don't realize is that these these goals that they have these outcomes that they want

Aren't just something that you do right because in our society we

We often look at outcomes

we often look at goals, and we look at the vents and we look at these big moments in people's lives right look at

Maybe for example a college kid who maybe plays on the basketball team at college or something like that and how he gets signed

into the professional sports league and and all of that and we look at that more like wow that

Kid was just playing playing college basketball, and now he's you know making millions of dollars

As a professional athlete right we look at that. Will you say okay? Wow? That's that's that's a goal

That's an event that's an outcome that how could I do that right?

But we don't always see the process that led up to that outcome

We don't see the the hours and hours of practice that that kid put in practicing basketball

We don't see the time that maybe he was injured and had to go on the long road to recovery

We don't see the time that he was turned down for the team and he had to

You know tighten up his game and come back the next season or something like that instead

We just see the big event or we you know the the startup

Company that that got bought out for millions of dollars, and now they're obscenely wealthy

But we see the person that the lost 50 pounds or a hundred pounds or something like that

But we don't see all of the little moments in between

That took the times where they had to say no to the birthday cake and eat salad instead or the times that the startup company

Founder had to work 16-hour days or anything like that. We don't see the process

because our our

Society for the most part doesn't glorify

process it glorifies

outcomes glorifies goals

And it's exactly the same when it comes to relationships

You know people want these outcomes people want these goals they want to get married. They want to have a great girlfriend. They want to

save their relationship or get back together, but

They don't look at what it takes to actually get there. They don't look at what it takes to actually

Have somebody

Want to marry you they don't look at what it takes to have somebody want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend?

They don't look at what it takes to have somebody want to get back together with you or work things out with you

Instead they just look at okay. What can I say to make it happen? What can I what can I?

What can I tell her to make her want to go out on a date with me?

What can I do to make him want to marry me instead of asking themselves like okay? What is it?

I need to do with how I'm bringing myself these interactions

That's going to make me an attractive person

That maybe somebody's gonna want to date me or maybe somebody's gonna want to be my boyfriend or girlfriend or maybe

Somebody's gonna want to marry me or maybe somebody's gonna want to get back together with me, right

And so you have to look at the process right and that's really what we teach in our courses in our

Our videos that we put up on YouTube on our email newsletters, etc and of course in these relationship in our game

What exactly is

Process when it comes to relationships

the process is is really about two separate parts number one is about how you're bringing yourself to the

Interactions right are you able to be

Present with the person in front of you. I don't just mean you're physically there

I mean that you're actually emotionally able to connect with them

You're not up off

your head trying to

calculate whether or not you know you're

Looking high status or cool or whether or not you're in the friend zone or anything like that

You're actually just being with the other person

You know surprisingly that actually helps you connect with somebody and if you can actually have a good connection with them

They might actually want to be in a relationship with you surprising, right

So get out of your head and get into the present moment

Can you be emotionally curious about that person's experience right when you start to actually take an emotional?

Curiosity towards somebody empathize with them connect with them wonder about what they're going through

You're able to create an emotional bond with that person and of course if you can bond

Emotionally somebody they might actually want to be in a relationship with you

Can you be vulnerable and transparent about how you feel and what you want?

Or are you more caged off afraid of rocking the boat, and you just want them to make all the choices?

Or do you just want to look kind of polished and and perfect or something like that as opposed to showing them your true?

Colors your your true personality, right?

Because surprisingly people don't want to be with perfect people people don't want to be with people that never

Speak up

People want to be with people that that have a real personality that that that are not afraid to tell you what's going on with

them and

Aren't afraid to just broadcast. What's what's on their mind right and so the more of yourself that you can share the better

That's actually going to actually help people connect with you and the more people connect with you the more

They might actually want to be in a relationship with you you see how this goes and so these are some important things about

Process the better you can get at these things the better you'll be able to connect with people in the long run

Now the second part about process is more about the things that you actually do now of course

This is not to be emphasized at the expense of what we just talked about which is the emotional connection?

They're both equally important, but the things you actually do are also equally important as well

too if you want to connect with somebody you have to you know

pick up the phone and call them or or ask them out on a date or something like that right you can't just

Hope and wait that somehow things work out

Or if you want to end up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend you actually have to put yourself in situations where you're exposed to

People and you can meet them right you can't just have the perfect person

Come knocking at your door most of us can't do that anyway right you have to actually go into the world and meet somebody

or you know join a website like match.com or something like that and actually expose yourself to

Certain people right and so there. There's a certain process

Involved in getting what you want, and of course you know that that

Aspect of doing things is going to depend on what your outcome is right if you want somebody to

To marry you you have to have a great solid relationship

you have to

Really demonstrate to them that the two of you

Have a good future together and all that stuff if you want somebody to want to get back together with you you

Have to do similar things like that if you want to meet somebody to be your boyfriend your girlfriend

You have to put yourself out there a little bit

And so these are the kinds of things that you have to do on a consistent basis

It's not just about you know trying to rig the system in your favor or anything like that

It's really about being willing to put in those long hours like some of our other examples before

such as the this the

College student who ends up becoming a professional athlete such as the startup founder that ends up being bought out by a large company

Such as the person who went on a diet and ended up losing a tremendous amount of weight now

they're in shape right these aren't just magical things that happen these are things that happen because of a process because of

That person was able to put in the time going through the grind going through the boring

Unrewarding

unglamorous work of whatever it is that they were doing that eventually led and created the

Context for the great outcome that they got in the future, so if you want the goal if you want the outcome if you want

Whatever the event is that you're looking for in your love life

The best thing you can do is to focus on the process because that is going to create the context that's going to maximize

the probability that you're going to get what you want, you know you're much more likely to

Get a boyfriend or a girlfriend if you go out there and meet people if you're easy to connect with if you're constantly

Improving your social skills and all of that then if you just sit at home wishing and hoping and praying right

It's pretty obvious and so when you create that

Context you're you're setting yourself up to welcome in the goal welcome in the outcome welcome

The event and that's how you go ahead and reach your relationship goals

So it's important to really focus on the process more than the outcome

Because when you really think about it the outcome that you want isn't really

What you really want anyway right so for example a lot of people?

Sometimes write in to me, and they want help saving a relation they want help getting back together with their ex

But it's not like they just want to be back together with their ex

It's not like they just want to log into Facebook and change their status and say hey

I'm back in a relationship with so-and-so again

What they want is they want the connection they want the bonding they want the closeness and that?

Isn't just a matter of you know logging in and updating their their profile, right?

There's a lot of people that are back together their ex and they're miserable

There's a lot of people that are in a relationship

And they're bored there's a lot of people that are in a a marriage

There's a lot of people that are married to each other and their life isn't happy it's not wonderful

They're just kind of you know quietly putting up with each other because the relationship died a long time ago

So you don't really want the the goal the outcome the event that you think you might be looking for

what you really want is what you think that's going to get you and

What you think that's going to get you is probably some form of

Closeness love connection something like that and that's really what you want

then go for that don't try to to go for the goal hoping that it's going to get you what you really want and

The thing that you really want the love the connection the closeness that can be had without

The label without the label of a relationship without the label of a marriage without the label of being

Back together or anything like that you can go for it right now

if you just simply create the

Context for for that emotional connection and go through the process of building that emotional connection go through the process of

Putting yourself out there contacting somebody spending time with each other

going out on dates

Getting out of the house all of these sorts of things right if you put yourself in

the state of mind where you're investing in the

Process rather than the outcome you're gonna do much better in the long run so with that being said let's go over to our questions

for this week

okay, everybody our first question is from Charlie Charlie Wrightson says my question is you say not to point score or

Worry about initiating conversation to take responsibility for where you want the relationship to lead which I fully agree with

But you also say to not do this in a way that makes you a clingy or desperate

I text my ex every day mainly I think because I wake up first and we have conversations every day

He text me before work for around an hour during and on his break

But then right now usually evenings and weekends

he will just not respond even if I asked and open it in question so am I making myself look desperate by ignoring that and

Still texting him or simply taking control

Ok Charlie, so when it comes to this kind of thing

You're right. It is important not to keep score, and it is important to take responsibility for

Where you want the relationship to go and you know?

Initiating contact and and being willing to do all of that stuff

But when it comes to what I'm talking about here when it comes to looking desperate or clingy

This is all about giving unearned attention ok so

Like we were talking about I think with Clyde a week ago. There is a difference between

Earned attention and unearned attention and the example that I gave Clyde was

construction workers that the super cliche example of construction workers that catcall at a woman and say that she's you know

sexy and all that stuff right and

that is unearned attention for the woman, which is why very few women respond positively to

Catcalling right it's because basically you're just saying hey. You are physically attractive. I want to interact with you

That's not something that she earned she didn't put any effort into looking physically attractive

You know yeah Actually may have you know done her makeup or something like that or have taken care of her body or something like that?

But she didn't do it with the express interest of

Getting the attention of the construction workers

She might have done it in order to get the attention of maybe some guy at work

Or her boyfriend or something like that, but not for those guys

Therefore their attention is earned

however if you

interact with your ex or somebody else and

They contribute something to the interaction like they

express some sort of vulnerability or

share some part of their emotional experience or

Otherwise have skin in the game of the interaction, then that is earned

Affection okay so for example if your ex is talking about how he's really passionate about

I don't know some some event that he's going to or something like that

You could say wow the way that you talk about that charitable event I can really see your passion

I find that really sexy and that is very different from catcalling right because he

Contributed something to that conversation. He poured his heart out and shared what his

Experience was right and so there. There's a big difference between being over invested and

being appropriately invested in a conversation now if you're texting your ex and

You know he's not investing in the conversation then you know that's fine, right?

that's that's you making a low-stakes bet like we talked about just don't double down on that bet because then you're just

really increasing and over investing on that part, okay, so so you know you might text your ex and

You know maybe they respond in which case okay cool great now

You're going somewhere if they don't respond then you don't double down on that interaction except

Maybe to answer the question as if it had been asked to you yourself

and then if you still get nothing then I would just

let that go and then maybe try again at some other point in time okay when you actually do get a

Response and you do get them to invest in the conversation

That's that's where I would take that okay, so being desperate and needy is really just

over investing and giving somebody

unearned

affection or unearned

compliments or unearned attention of some sort okay whereas

Appropriate levels of investment, it doesn't matter who is initiating contact

It doesn't matter whether it's you or whether it's him or anything like that that the point isn't that?

Contact has been initiated or that a text message has been

The point is what is being communicated right just like it doesn't matter who is talking it matters

What that person is saying right and so the important thing is that both people are investing?

Emotionally in the conversation. It's not just like one of these one-sided

Conversations where you know you're just going on and on and on and you're like you know well is it like for you

How was your trip to such and such a place and they're just like it was good

It was okay

And you like oh wow that must have been so exciting to go to this place and to be in a completely new city that

You've never been to before or not yes

alright

And like that's that kind of thing is where the other person is just

Not invested, and you are way over invested

that would come across probably as clingy and desperate however if you were to not over invest in that situation and

Notice that the other person isn't sharing much and say well

I noticed that you're not really describing about much about your trip - I don't know Cincinnati or something well

Why is that did you not?

Enjoy it, and I might say well. Actually I did enjoy like what did you enjoy about it?

And then you know then they can start sharing something

and then you have something to work with and you and then you're not over investing and you're actually encouraging them to invest in the

Dynamic and where it's going so I hope that clears it up what the difference is between

taking

responsibility and initiating

Conversations versus being a clingy and desperate charlie so with that being said thanks for your question

and if you have any follow-up questions

Please feel free to ask those next time all right our next question is from Reyes Reyes write sentences

Hi clay this question is about rebound situations each rebound situation for everyone is unique and how our format takes

The key point as you tell us is to focus solely on the emotional connection with our ex and to focus on

process and not events

Facebook doesn't matter what they say to us or about their rebound such as we will never get back together

Or I love my new partner or we can't be friends doesn't matter

What they do?

With each other doesn't matter however for those of us facing our ex and the rebound on a regular basis such as if we are

co-workers or school mates

There is an additional layer of difficulty as we would be challenged to quote look into the eye of the monster end quote and be

unswerving approach

focusing on connection

Yes

That is all that matters the rebound

Situation will melt away on its own when we deploy the decoy strategy getting our exes to choose us over our past selves that

Said it's challenging when our exes would be open flirty or even

Loving to us in private yet still hold on to the rebound and even closer

Than ever or seemingly happier than ever in public right next to us there for what would be the best approach to

situations in which your ex and his rebound are

Happily, and affectionately together in public and around us even while we are having great connection and high-quality

interactions in private okay, so when it comes to

situations like this what I would do is I would just

Talk to my ex directly I would just let my ex know that it's very

uncomfortable for me when

them and their rebound partner are

very physically affectionate with each other

In public when I'm around I would just let them know that and say that

That if if they continue to do that then I don't know if that's you know if I can still be with you in private

Okay, if that's your boundary anyway

You have to you have to stop and think about what your boundary might be or or how you want to deal with this

Right so for example your ex might not know that this is having this impact on you in which case you know he might be?

a little bit dense

But he might not know that being

Very publicly affectionate and having all these public displays of affection and all of that with his current partner

While you are around is actually very difficult for you emotionally

So you might want to tell him that and communicate that to him?

And then if you want him to do something

Then you have to tell him say something along the lines of hey you would really mean a lot to me if you guys could

Keep that on the down-low when I'm around or something like that right, and you know that's not an unreasonable request

I don't think it's not unreasonable for somebody to say hey, you know this is my ex over here

I don't want to like stir up the pot too much

So is it okay if we just keep it kind of?

Civil and polite and all that well

We're at this class or while we're at this

Work function or whatever it might be and then you know we can go do our things later on and I think that's a normal

thing for somebody to to

Request, and I think that would be a normal way for somebody to respond

So I don't think that it would be out of line in terms of

Asking him that sort of thing and I don't think it would be strange for him to

Oblige to it either if that's what you would like for him to do

I would say directly ask him to do that and

If he is unable or unwilling

To do that then you have to take that as feedback take it out his feedback that that he's the kind of person that is

Unable or unwilling to do this for you

And then ask yourself is this the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with this is the kind of person?

You want to pursue a relationship with somebody who is?

Unable or unwilling to do this in my opinion perfectly the reasonable thing that you would ask them

And if the answer is yes, I still want to be in a relationship with this kind of person

I still want to see where this goes and fine go ahead and do that but you got to drop this whole

Thing about the public display of affection if it's not okay, then you need to say okay

well hey this guy just saved me a whole lot of extra time and energy and heartache the I

disqualifying himself by just not

doing what I what I politely requested of him and just letting me know in no uncertain terms that my needs my desires my

emotional needs are not something that he can consider in his actions and

Then let him go and create space in your life for you to welcome somebody who is able to

Meet your needs and be respectful of your needs and all of that stuff

So that's what I would recommend in that sort of situation okay Reyes anyway

I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here

Okay our next question is from ilithyia dear clay. Thanks for the response to my last question

I clearly wasn't damage control mode because when my ex

Finally responded to my message after 10 days of no contact saying that he was busy and would get back to me

I immediately sent him a number of texts which again got no response after two days of not hearing from him

I went to his house to meet him

it was then that I asked him why he feels that we should not meet or

Text so often he mentioned that he does not want his feelings to come back because he cannot and will not get back

Together with me again

He also mentioned that my wall of texts annoy him, and he does not feel like responding

He also became agitated and frustrated saying that talking to me stresses him out

and he could not afford any of that because he has so much on his plate that he needs to deal with I

Broke down emotionally because I reminded him that I did not want

What happened with my sister to happen with him my sister has not spoken to me for four years now

after a

Misunderstanding that we had and he took that opportunity to point out that I should also allow him time to reach out to me even

If it takes months or years when I calmed down

I told him that all I wanted was to be friends again

And he hugged me and walked me to my car even though the interaction ended on a good note

It was clear that he still holds a lot of resentment towards me especially

When he mentioned that he had done enough from his side to make things work

And it was totally my fault that we broke up

I really feel that I need to take time away from him and work on accepting the break-up and letting go of my bad emotions

Would that justify another ANC of say three weeks for me to heal emotionally while also giving him time to?

Reach out to me. Okay, so when it comes to ANC and how it differs from passive no contact again

We're not doing this for the purpose of making your ex miss you so they want to reach out to you and contact

You or anything like that the main reason? We're doing active

No contact is one to get out of damage control mode and to to work on

Developing and cultivating the advanced relational skills so that when we do get back in touch with our exes

We are able to have much more high-quality

interactions with them okay

And I can tell that that maybe this is something that would benefit you based off of something that you said earlier

On in your question such as he the wall of texts annoy him, and he doesn't feel like responding

and he doesn't want his feelings to come back because

he cannot get back together with you again, and and the reason that I say that is because

Here you're not focusing on having high quality interactions with him you're focusing on

trying to

Recreate the relationship or something along those lines, okay?

And again like we've talked about before or when you are relationship focused your ex sees this as you

Looking to them as a means to an end

They are a means to an end for you of feeling better so that you can be in a relationship

Okay, if you are in a relationship, then you will feel better

And they are the one that has to deal with that right

and so if they don't

understand that you get them emotionally if they don't understand that you can connect with them on an emotional level then they're going to

see any

Communication with you as being relationship focused and you looking to them as a means to an end

If on the other hand you can be connection focused and really displays with advanced relational skills

And get out of damage control mode and all of that stuff then they're going to actually enjoy interacting with you

And it's going to bring the two of you closer together again so for that reason I actually

would say that active no contact would be a

Great thing for you to do for three weeks or for however long it takes for you to be able to have high quality

Interactions with your ex that feel good on an emotional level

So what I would strongly recommend is that you do active no contact by doing active no contact

I mean actually go through and

Practice the advanced relational skills develop them and cultivate them so that when you get back together with your ex

It's not just like passive. No contact where you know just a period of in this case

Let's just say three weeks have passed and

You're just hoping that somehow something is different and somehow something is better

so I want you to actually take matters into your own hands because in the matter and to

actually

Develop advanced relational skills so that you know that you are not bringing the same version of ilithyia

to the table that your ex is already well aware of

Exists and does not want to interact with okay so for that reason I would definitely recommend doing

Active no contact okay our next question is from Rick Rick writes in and says hey clay

We reach out to our exes in the hope of

Reconnecting and building a stronger emotional bond with them in order to get another shot at having a relationship with them in

my opinion

There is no way we can hide this agenda and pretend that we don't have expectations so when we approach them

Whichever way for sure they see what we are doing

Or at least feel that we are attempting to connect with them and that we have an ulterior motive

Most people here, and that includes me want this outcome. That's why we are here after all and I think we're trying to act

Believing we are okay with any outcome that might arise

but we are not I

strongly believe that it's only going to work and keep working in the long run if we really truly let go and heal completely and

Accept wholeheartedly whatever outcomes result from our efforts in the end if I can speak for myself

I've tried to be strategic in my efforts so the connection can develop with my ex at this time

She doesn't want that to happen

I know I should be able to tell if she wants it through empathy and be okay with whatever desire

She has in that respect through acceptance we choose to believe that we can act in a way to get the desired outcome

But maybe in this particular case trying to reconnect with an ex actions and words aren't as important as our state of mind

How healed and attached we are have I understood this correctly

Thanks for your time when it comes to this sort of thing yes absolutely your state of mind

Or as I've been saying in the past your way of being is

Absolutely critical more so than saying the right words or doing the right things, okay?

Trust me the the the words and the actions that you take are going to arise out of

Having the right state of mind. They're going to arise out of

Having the right state of being now in terms of what you say like pretty much impossible to have

To not have an ulterior motive

I don't know if I necessarily agree with that when I was getting back together with my ex one of the times we broke up

it was it was actually laws on a study abroad program and then

we we did like no contact and all that stuff, and then eventually we we got back together and

when we met up for the first time I actually wasn't sure what to think about her or or

Where I want things to go or anything like that she she just called me

distressed one day saying that she had missed me and that she wanted to get together and

I knew that I was going to be back in our hometown

I think it was the next weekend or something like that and so we agreed to meet up

for coffee and

At that point I didn't I didn't know if I want to get back together with her or not because my perception of her had

Changed a lot based off of the thing that had some things that happened during our breakup

And so I was I was just more or less

Open-minded as to who this person might be

So I didn't walk in thinking that I knew who she was I didn't walk in thinking that I knew everything about her

Instead I was more curious

So I did have that level of empathy that level of curiosity that level of trying to

Trying to hear and understand who this person might be and so in that respect

I wasn't attached outcome and so in in I think that might have helped me at that particular point in time, so

Yeah, you do have it right in that your your state of mind is absolutely much more important than what you say or do okay?

Because if you try to say or do something from the wrong state of mind. It's going to come across as artificial

it's going to come across as like some sort of gimmick or stunt or act that you're putting on or

something along those lines so what I would recommend is that you

First focus on your way of being how are you bringing yourself to the interaction?

Are you bringing yourself to the interaction thinking that you have something to prove to your ex that your ex is some sort of like?

Divine Being who's judging you as good enough or not good enough or something like that if so

Then that's probably the wrong way of being you don't want to come to your ex as if you're you know some sort of

Groveling peasant looking for their blessing or anything like that

That's not the right way of being yet

So many people are trying to

Get back together with their ex from that state of being and they don't understand why their ex is turning them away

And it's because they are in a sense being desperate and needy, okay

And this goes beyond the obvious

forms of desperation and neediness such as you know begging and pleading and calling like a million times a day and stuff

As long as you are having that emotional experience within yourself whatever you say, or do even if it's like obviously

desperate and needy stuff like calling a million times a day or even if it's

Cloaked like trying to pretend that you're cool or the alpha male or something like that

It's going to come across as fake

And it's not going to be genuine or authentic and your ex is probably going to see right through it

That's why it's important to work on actually

being

maybe for example

Curious about what your ex's experiences actually being interested in connecting with them actually

Being interested in having real

heart-to-heart conversations rather than trying to connect emotionally with who you think your ex is or

Who you think your ex is based off of the relationship that you used to have or something along those lines, okay?

So that's why your state of being. That's why?

Your way of being is absolutely vitally important, which is again as what we talked about last time

Or maybe it was the time before that on the relationship inner game

That definitely go back and check that out, but yes

Rick that is exactly what I was getting to when it comes to all of that stuff

So thank you for for checking in and yes you do have that correct, so yeah

I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward

The next question is from vixen vixen writes in and says hi clay my question is I guess a follow-up to my last

Question I got to see my ex a few weeks ago, and we are on relatively good terms, I think

He was fine seeing me in a group with some friends however

we didn't talk much and he still won't answer any of my

Texts since then I have just been sending him periodic texts about different things and stuff that

Comes up like a friend would his graduation for college is coming up, and I want to say something nice for it

I figure I just won't really try and reach out to him anymore until then which is may 13th

with the current situation of him being okay hanging out in a group even if he doesn't respond to my texts or

Me making plans you've told me in the past that I'd need more rapport before I ask anything along the lines of

Him feeling uncomfortable with me keeping in contact with him or him being uncomfortable with me making plans with him

And I guess I agree. I just don't know what else to do one if he continues to not answer me

What should I do in lieu of asking him directly if he doesn't really want to keep in contact?

Or it makes him uncomfortable

And - what is something that I could say for his graduation and what is your advice on that?

I don't want it to be too generic

And I'm not really sure now since his response record is so poor okay number one

Don't worry about the graduation thing if you work on your way of being if you work on

How it is you want to connect with him then it will take care of itself?

Okay, it will take care of itself so just as an example my sister

And I who I'm still kind of getting back in touch with

From from you know not being in touch for a long time those of you. Who've been following it for a while

I know that I'm just now getting back in touch with my dad's side of the family

You know for like the past year or so and you know my sister, and I we keep in touch

But you know we're still building that that like sibling closeness right and so we were supposed to hang out on

On a Saturday, and I was there, and she wasn't showing up, and I thought maybe she's running late

And I didn't think much about it because she is

Usually late when she goes places

But then you know it was like an hour late and so that I just reached out her

And I just contact her and I said hey are you having a hard time finding the place?

you need any did you get hung up on something or something like that and I still didn't hear back from her and

Then I figured that she had just you know forgotten or something came up or whatever and anyway later on that afternoon

I got a message from her saying that she had like just completely forgotten she got the dates mixed up

She thought it was gonna be Sunday that we met up and so she she her phone was off

Because she was doing some other stuff, and then she turned it on she got my message and found out that whoops

It was Saturday and not Sunday, and so I you know I just told her hey don't worry about it

It's okay, because I mean you know I genuinely meant it

But you know like we talked about that can often come across as just sort of like a generic

Pointless thing that people often say you know like how are you? Oh? I'm good right even if you mean it

it's it's gonna come across as kind of generic and pointless and

Insincere right and so I could have just left it at that and just kind of been like okay

Yeah, well you know sure I let her know it was okay

And we just left heard that but I also noticed something in the message that she sent me which was a I?

Totally left you hanging

I'm a horrible sister

And I noticed that there was a lot of blame that she was putting on herself for for this mistake that she made and so

From a place of being you know somebody who wanted to

Have a good quality

relationship from one sibling to another I noticed that and

So from there, I sent her another message

That said hey just so you know I'm never gonna judge you and I'm always gonna be on your side

Okay

So you don't have to worry about being hard on yourself or anything like that because you've always got a place in my life

Something along those lines and that connected with her right. It was it's not the usual kind of hey. Don't worry about it

It's okay

Kind of thing it's something that sticks out and it came from my way of being of wanting to be

The the kind of brother that always has his sisters back, okay?

so

that is that's the kind of thing that I'm talking about what I'm talking about the way of being and

How it is going to inspire you to say something right is somebody who doesn't know your ex is somebody who doesn't know?

What your ex is studying what his plans are after graduation?

Well his personality is like what his concerns are about the future

What his fears are what his hopes are what his dreams are anything?

I can't tell you what to text him that's going to stick out and make him say Wow

Vixen is really awesome

I need to get back to her or I'm gonna respond to this or this is really important right but but if you

Are having the appropriate way of being and if you have really worked on the advanced relational skills enough to be able to catch things

About him then you'll be able to do things like what I was able to do with my sister right I was able to

observe the fact that yeah

She was actually being really hard on herself when she said she was a horrible sister

and I was able to

connect with her in a way that I wanted to connect with her as you know like siblings that always have each other's back and

So that's what I was able to do I was able to break that trance of you know. Oh, hey. Don't worry about it

It's okay. Good. All good. Don't worry. It's all good

Maybe next time you know that and I was actually able to

To say something meaningful to her that was able to connect with her and leave her

Really touched okay in regards to your first question it seems

He is okay to hang out with you so the next time the two of you hang out in

Person you know with friends or something like that step aside with him and just just let him know hey

I really enjoy spending time with you however. I've noticed that often times. It seems like sometimes

You don't want to interact with me or something like that is anything going on anything

That I should know about or anything like that right you know when you're on

Person you can build that rapport when you're in person you can create that kind of connection so that you have the kind of foundation

Where you can ask him this sort of thing okay?

I wouldn't necessarily do it out of the blue you could but again like I said before that

That might be a little bit difficult without the degree of rapport

But you can build that rapport

When the two of you are together in a group of friends or something along those lines right because it seems like that's something that

That he doesn't have a problem with so that's what I'd recommend in that situation

So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go

Moving forward from here next question is from Dean Dean writes in and says hi clay

Thank you for getting the time to read this message

Me and my ex split up a few months ago since then she took me out for dinner to say

Thank you for my support over the year as she's just completed post-grad

She wanted to remain friends and open to meeting up in the future

I declined friendship as I still wanted more obviously a mistake at the time since then I

Retracted that statement and said it's a great opportunity to remain friends, but she didn't believe that I could have a change of heart

So quickly she said it's best if we have a period of not talking. I have since reached out three weeks later

We have had positive interactions. She then messaged me a few later wishing me a happy birthday again

We had some positive interactions Irish out a few days later, but after a few messages

She said that we should have less contact

I used advanced relational skills to show empathy and said that I respect her boundaries

I reached out a few weeks later and got a neutral response

I tried continuing the conversation, but she said it pains me to say it

But I guess I care enough about you. Not to make it harder. I feel we should stop

Continuous contact. I respected her decision for space

Question number one would you suggest not reaching out to her again until she reaches out to me. It's her birthday

And an important event in being her brother's suicide anniversary next month would it be?

Distressful to break contact during those times and in direct communication such as liking Facebook

Posts should this stop during the period of no contact, okay, so when it comes to no contact yeah

You're not going to be liking your ex phases Facebook post and ideally not gonna be reading your ex's

Facebook newsfeed or anything like that again go through the no contact section of the ESP course

Where we talk about things such as how to deal with social media while you're on no contact and stuff like that would it be

Distressful to break contact during these times. I mean I don't know

I don't really know exactly what your ex's relationship with her brother's suicide

Anniversary is I mean obviously. It's not a great experience, but I don't know how she generally deals with it

I don't know how she deals with that anniversary

I don't know how she how that affects her

But you probably do so what I would do is I would feel into the situation and try to figure out how I would best

Contact her or not contact her during that period of time what I'm seeing a lot of in your interactions though is

You know she says something like hey

I don't think we should be in contact and you say I used empathy and respected her decision for space and

I want to make it clear that that is not necessarily

What I am recommending in these sorts of situations now that could be what you might do

Absolutely again what I want to do is to empower you to feel into the?

Situation to know what the right thing to do is in your situation

Okay, this is this is not me telling you to do one thing or the other you have to be the author of your own

life you have to be the author of your own love story you have to make your own choices and

Go for them a hundred percent

But when it comes to acceptance when it comes to curiosity when it comes to all of that stuff. I'm not saying

Acceptance is just about you know whatever your ex says just hey take it say

Yes, your ex says don't contact me anymore say. Yes your ex says I hate your guts say

Yes, your ex says never contact me again say

Yes your ex says you know go take a hike say yes that that is not what I'm

You do it all what I would advocate for you instead is to

Feel into the situation, and if it seems right to you have a little bit of curiosity and say well

What is it that makes you?

hesitant about keeping in contact or

You know something along those lines

so you can understand what her concerns are so you can understand where she's coming from and

If need be you can say something well

Hey, well what if we just agreed that that you know?

We're just gonna keep this platonic for the time being until I can figure out

What it means for us to be friends or?

What if we just agreed though that we're not gonna fall in love with each other and ever again

You know with like a kind of smiley face kind of flirty thing or something like that depending on what the situation is again

I don't know what the right thing to do in your situation is but you have to feel into it, okay

And I just want to make it clear to you though that

Having emotional acceptance is not about just you know grinning and nodding and going with the flow or anything like that

Having emotional acceptance is accepting that something that has actually happened has happened

Okay, and then that takes you to the next point which is what are you gonna do about it, right?

Then you have to respond from a place of authenticity

From a place that genuinely expresses how it is that you feel? What it is that you want etcetera etc, okay?

It's not about just nodding and smiling and going with the flow passively okay, that is not what I would recommend at all

Okay, your second question is what a fresh start letter be appropriate here

I don't know is there anything in particular that you feel like apologizing for you said that

Like you agreed that you said you didn't want to be friends, and you think that that was a mistake

But I don't know if that's something that you should like go out of your way to

Apologize for just the way you described it

It doesn't seem like something that would warrant the fresh start letter, but if that's something that that I'm misunderstanding here

And it is something that warrants a fresh start letter, then by all means go ahead and do that but again

That's something you have to feel into the situation to do here

Okay Mike my goal is to teach you advanced relational skills to teach you how to have a great relationship

So that you don't need me in the future to be you know kind of

Spoon feeding you all this stuff down the road here

I want you to be able to feel into this situation so I want you to practice that

now by feeling into the situation putting yourself in your ex's position and

Saying if I were my ex would receiving a fresh start letter for me feel good on an emotional level

or would it feel bad on an emotional level would it increase the connection between us or

Decrease the connection between us would it make me think wow he finally gets me

I can I can like let down my guard and we can finally talk

Or would it make her think wow this is weird. What is he apologizing for right?

You have to feel into the situation and know what the right thing to do is so that's what I would recommend

Okay

your third question is

There anything I can do differently to move the conversation forward if my ex is being stubborn to engage in a conversation

Such as only neutral comment, okay?

Yeah, so that that's really where the whole acceptance thing that I just went on about is really bad

I would take more curiosity in her experience I would ask her more questions about her experience and

Try to engage her on that emotional level so that we can actually have a conversation

With her about where she's coming from and what sorts of things. She's actually wanting and so we can really understand each other, okay?

So so that's really what I would recommend in your situation

Okay

so I hope that helps you out Dean and

Please keep us updated on how things go moving forward all right and our next question is from our old faithful reliable friend Clyde

Clyde writes in and says hey clay

This is a bit of a technical question

You usually advise people to use better means of communication

So it is better to have phone calls rather than text messages in order to create a better emotional connection

And I'm totally with you on that

I hate texting with anyone, and I prefer to call however people in their 20s these days. Just don't call ever it's very weird

it's a very weird thing for them to do so if a person is going to receive a call and

Be like oh I had forgotten my phone could be used for this should we just discard this option? I'm asking because

Yesterday was my ex's birthday, and I called to wish her a happy birthday my two calls didn't go through

I don't know why I ended up leaving a message on whatsapp, but anyway

I was very afraid when calling because of that reason so when it comes to technology

You know yeah people in general are changing the way that they relate to

things like cell phones, right

back in the days before

Smartphones before texting was really much of a thing people would just call each other on cell phones

I used to do that often with you know my very good friend back then and you know as time progressed we started to just

Drift more towards texting, but you know we still do talk on the phone and all that stuff

But but here's the thing you can always

Text somebody and see hey are you open for a phone call or something like that just to check in with them?

Before you just kind of you know barge into their world

And so that that's that's definitely something that you could do you know you could you could say something like hey?

I'm out for a walk, and I was thinking of you

and I obviously can't walk and text at the same time at those I might get hit by a car or

something like that would it be okay if I texted you or you know if you're if you're

Texting back and forth with somebody and you have some degree of rapport going you say hey

It's really nice talking to you like this

I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or something like this

would you mind if I texted you so that I could keep talking to you without you know getting my phone covered in like

Beef slime or something like that right, so

that's something that I would recommend when it comes to trying to shift up to a higher level of conversation rather than just

You know keeping the conversation in text

Message level, okay, so Clyde

I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here with your situation

and if you have any more

Philosophical questions about love and relationships alright, so those have been our questions for this week

Thank you once again for watching this episode of the relationship inner game

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Please leave a comment down below letting me know

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For more infomation >> [RIG 007] Outcomes Vs. Processes in Your Relationship Goals - Duration: 48:31.

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What A Mom Can Do To Rebuild Relationship With Her Teen Daughter Who She Says Has Become A Strang… - Duration: 3:27.

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No Relationship is Personal - Mooji Satsang - Duration: 23:32.

how can a relationship not be personal

that's a good one let's start a little bit back from that because you say how

can relationship and not be personal well a life takes care of that because

is it possible that in your freedom do you stop being a father for instance or

a mother do you become less you stop feeling hungry do you lose appetite for

everything including food it could happen but largely that's not the case

so what life teaches us is that in in with with all of this this love this

universal love for universalization of love and peace and joy and it is great

that we have relatives it is great that you have a partner it is great because

if you didn't you may just think yeah you know I'm not attached to anything

but then you see okay but there's your family does it stand in the way of your

awakening there is we taught that before we go to the relationship between

intimate partners let's just start other forms of relationships also with your

workplace with your friends does it make a tremendous difference in some case you

may find some people who were your friends they don't feel so comfortable

with you they're coming less around that may

happen not necessarily but with the relationships that you cannot just walk

away from or maybe you tried some people feel you know like really right now I'm

not tied to anything let's try to step out of their life

it was also told that the great master sri nisargadatta maharaj as he was

coming in fully into his Awakening he felt he had to leave his family leave

his business and go live in the Himalayas like a sadhu which he tried

until he met one of the same students to his master and he said what are you

doing here this is my life now he said but it's not what it means you don't

have to leave everything in that way leave your attachments to them not

myself to leave the thing physically the thing itself is not the problem is the

attachments and somehow it brought up a deep understanding within him and he

returned home continued to run his little shop and have his family and do

all these things in fact it even makes things really authentic that can you

live in life as it is we don't think you know what I see disturbs me what I hear

disturb me when I taste disturb me everything disturb me because I don't

exist or whatever it is so there is something in that I'm very happy you

brought this question because I think it would be very valuable for a lot of

people then in what way is it possible that one can have particularly an

intimate relationship and I would say that relationship you have with your

children with your parents or whatever with your spouse or whatever that they

are very intimate and they call up this which may feel like a challenge for a

while how did Krishna and Radha get on

you see there are examples of that love how did it happen

well beautifully beautifully but not work it out here somehow within that

within that great field you will continue in your dynamic expression in

life can have a kind of an ordinary extraordinary Ness about it you see and

in fact you will your relationships will improve because you will not be able to

tolerate the things which are not not true you get to them more quickly and

you're less willing to stay in a situation where you're just suffering

suffering and because but you're so needy you can't let go something is more

clear it's more power more brightness inside you and the whole thing if you're

in a genuine relationship where you're both growing know you'll find that it's

a tremendous power there to contribute to each other's growth they say that the

husband becomes the Guru of the wife and the wife is the Guru of the husband

because you're called by the same voice something something develops and it can

be really enriching there is there is a non duality inside the duality it's like

the stillness inside the movement there's the the oneness inside the many

nests the invisible inside the visible there's a harmony that cannot be figured

out by the intellect of the person but only in the intellect of the being

somehow it works otherwise it would mean that as soon as one really wake up you

vanish basically because you know duality offensive

duality is not offensive it's not offensive it's actually and you cannot

have experience without duality including the experiencing of awakening

so there is something there what will happen is that with personal

relationships it's a god design actually because it's also designed to reach

other places that other relationships cannot reach and expose your deepest

fears and attachments they will come up it's not only for that okay it can feel

like it's primarily for that you know but it will show I mean because you know

if you are by yourself in that kind of way you can say well yeah you know

nothing challenges this but in relationships and that especially

intimate relationships often trigger in the human being where our hidden dreams

are still alive or projections our you know design a

relationship fantasies are still alive our tendency to project or to control is

still alive and it will bring them up to the surface for them to be just like if

you have an an earthquake at the bottom of the ocean a lot of bubbles come up

they don't go down they come up they touch the surface they pop and disappear

and in the same way it will happen and can happen does not always happen

sometimes we caught hope and you go to next relationship but it brings up

things that if you are genuinely in search of truth it will bring those up

to the surface there is something beautiful about love there's a piece

about love there is a more space for tolerance and for

introspecting because it will provoke those tendencies those tendencies may be

latent in the person who is just by himself also does not mean that you

should go find a relationship to find them everything has its season if you're

by yourself you can't find a partner right now try and find the gift of being

alone because when you find a partner's you're gonna wish oh my god I did have

those days when I was revealing you see so learn to value all the different

stages that life bring you see and don't try to be perfect in your in your role

in the sense of the human personal role don't try to be perfect there are no

perfect personalities even amongst the sages okay and you will also experience

in life that you can try to do the best you can somebody will just hate you

you know like Christ said they hate me for no reason don't think that being a

nice person is going to secure people liking you like this there's no single

being who's ever loved by everyone including God okay so just be true

inside and you have discovered for me the most important discovery in the

human Kingdom you're discovering your isness which is not which has taken us

out of the forest of of confusion and conflict and distance and darkness and

selfishness and to be identified with that when we didn't know better we we

were swimming in our mud stream and now you're again in the in the expansiveness

of being you don't have to scratch your head so much about life Ramakrishna said

something very beautiful he said the mind is like a stream a very

shallow stream with mud very close to the surface if you wish to drink clean

water scoop lightly go too deep and everything becomes mad and when we are

functioning from the person mud is very close to the surface

we are very protective because we feel vulnerable the state of personhood is

easily vulnerable and selfish as you come back into the immensity of being

those personal things within yourself and subsequently in the apparent selves

of others become less irritating for you less of a fighting point for you you're

mad you're back in your globality you're back in the wider love you're not

perceiving so personally so back to the question again where's the place for

that intimate relationships in freedom does it mean that we should all leave

home and go off as shadows and live in caves and things a net or whatever live

by yourself now because it's just impossible to live with someone if it is

impossible to live with people when you're free unless it is your power up

the Karma which means that it's just what is designed for your life now some

people it is fine to be alone you don't have to have a partner you see if you

feel happy on your own this absolutely nothing wrong with that beautiful if you

find that you cannot stick in one place you keep moving about for a while that

is how your life will feel I can only recommend that you discover and through

the invitation on this this vastness within yourself that that

includes it's not exclusive its all-inclusive includes all of life but

seen from a new perspective so it is possible very much and can be a

beautifying and enriching it can be also an avenue to which greater love and

greater understanding maybe just chew the way in which you interact and grow

in your relationship may actually open up your mind and heart to the wider

field that there's a love in you that is capable of embracing the entire universe

in fact these words are not too big for you when you hear them inside the isness

if you hear them as a person thing whoa that's all for of course from the sense

of a person you may say you know it has been written in the scriptures you know

love your neighbor as yourself love the Lord your God with all your heart your

mind your soul and your strength and love your neighbor as your own self is

the two greatest commandment which was set in the words of Jesus Christ and

people trying I try to love everybody and largely successful my neighbor next

door clean I can't fit them in and if you love from this person I'll try to

love try to love to love this is impossible if you're trying to love from

your person but if you discover the love that arises and that is inherent in

beingness in the isness it is not personal when it's not personal it flows

beautifully is it possible to have a relationship without attachments it's

challenging it is challenging it is even said that a

sage once had a son and somehow he sent his own son to another sage for him to

recognize because of the relationship the son could not appreciate the father

as being a sage sometimes these things can happen that your partner may not be

in synchronicity with you you're already more deeply into your own spiritual

journey maybe they are not that's a challenge you will have to face if you

are not trying to demonstrate your understanding and you can come from

understanding it is possible to be in relationships where you're very

different in your outlook and you meet in a common ground of love their

relationships right now that I know are flowing sometimes even better than

people who are in the same together anything the life it cannot be figured

out you cannot fit it in any mode he will just every time you think I got

it it will put a custard pie in your face it will be so largely we are

talking about the relative and we are trying to speak as though there's an

absolute in a relative and the life is showing you no no no no don't go so

tightly into form stay in your formlessness you can use

every concept if you don't lock them tight there must be space that things

can change that things can change some people feel that the more tight

their hold onto their concepts the more established and more dependable they can

be that's the falseness concepts they come and go

like the clouds come and go there are some things that they help you to see

much more deeply into the nature of the self make use of them but don't make any

tattoos out of anybody teaching make use of the teaching find

what it is pointing to or discard it if it doesn't resonate deep within your

heart leave it alone but don't leave anything in spite beware

of cynicism and watch the mind because it is quick to judge and even to condemn

those who appear to be different from you in your global heart you can

celebrate the differences knowing that there are just the expressions and

knowing that we are one in essence you will not be afraid of the sense of other

the sense of other is a an enrichment a beautifying another aspect in which the

self manifests and we grow like this true anger and pain and laughter and all

of this and that is the the compost before the spiritual mind you will grow

in that so I find no conflict in relationships and so on in fact I feel

that they stand a greater chance to improve and to grow out of their little

nests to grow into beautiful ways but if you are trying to grow as a person

you're gonna find more challenges grow in the beingness grow in the isness

but person of course in the dynamic field there are things that you will

have to face in life and the human side the person side that that that energy

will keep on you know it is very difficult to overcome certain things but

as you keep staying in in the Isthmus your interest in them will fail and if

the thing fades in interest for you it doesn't register in consciousness

anymore and for you effectively experientially it cease to exist it's

not that the thing in itself fade but your interest in it fades and the most

powerful thing that can happen in you towards the without called

mind attacks is that the mind becomes in its psychological expression becomes

insignificant for you its voice its attractions become insignificant for you

because you found a greater thing you found a space of being so we don't have

to try and be perfect but honor the truth in your heart that is already a

kind of perfect thing if I may could you speak some illuminating words upon

intimacy and the body mind can there be intimacy without the body mind sex

without the body mind

can be nicer why not when you all the things if we put them also in the in the

realm of the senses and sensations and so on when you wake up do you less enjoy

eating do you less enjoy the things of life it can be there but the obsessions

go the neediness go supposing by waking up we all wake up and basically I met

one time in United States I think we're going in the States and we were brought

to I was introduced to one group and they were a spiritual group but they did

not believe in in insects basically so where are they we don't know

they gradually faded out I wonder why I don't know but and so if the purpose of

awakening is to is basically to stop proliferating in the in the realm of the

manifest then that would be the will of God but I don't want how will it be

your family you have a child come in and then you have this thing although it's

bad it's bad it's not bad everything is fine the goodness and the badness exists

in you it is in the way in which you perceive it is not outside it's easier

to say outside the unknown which put so much energy to try and change the

outside Ness and not learning that it's reflecting on the inside Ness and to

clean your house from inside as the Lord said himself don't keep saying you know

two people law you know let me take the dirt from your eye first while you

yourself as big dirt in your own eye so remove the dirt from your own eyes and

you'll be seeing clearly enough to see if there's dirt in the other side and so

like this so it is like that I find no fault you see the point in I say

obsessions neediness will again come from person and the distortions within

personhood give rise to excessive neediness and you know addictions and

all of these things which don't beautify they may intensify the sense of passion

but they don't be defined they don't lead to genuine a penis they don't lead

the lead often to abuse and blindly also so everything comes right in the field

of the isness you honor that and you see how beautifully it is harmonizing every

other aspect or facet of your expression is touched and and and elevated from

that central discovery

you