All right, well.
Bye.
Bye.
Whew.
Here's the craziest thing about last night.
Like his body just--
It felt like home.
Dude, does this taste skunked to you?
No.
What does he do?
Okay, we did not get to that,
but according to Google, like finance, maybe.
What'd you get into last night?
Nothing.
Actually, I got kind of hammered.
God, I like, miss him.
I'm gonna text him.
Oh, you should wait.
No, the amazing thing is that we're not playing games.
Oh my God.
( phone alert )
No idea who that is.
How hard is it to open a joint checking account?
And this is for you and your husband?
Husband?
I-- I guess, I guess.
I have a feeling.
Mm-hmm.
This is it.
This is my wedding cake.
This place is perfect.
Unless he's Jewish.
Whatever, it's my day, right?
You know what?
There's one more thing I'd like to take a look at.
You know what?
I just-- I feel it.
I feel like Matt and I will just be at peace here.
Yeah.
God.
You know what?
I'm gonna call my boo-boo, see what he's up to.
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Hey.
Just at the cemetery, thinking boutcha.
What are you thinking for tonight?
I'm literally down for whatever.
Who is this?
Uh, it's Amy.
We--we hung out last night, I came back to your place.
Right, yeah.
Sorry, I think I'm gonna take a pass
on us seeing each other again.
Did I wear a bag?
What a dick!
Ma'am, should I stop digging?
Yeah.
Wait.
What's your name?
My name's Charles.
Amy Charles.
Keep digging.
♪
♪
♪ Somebody's really pretty today ♪
♪ Somebody's really pretty today ♪
( phone text beeping )
( shutter clicking )
Ugh.
( shutter clicking )
God.
( shutter clicking )
( shutter clicks )
Ooh, ooh.
( phone ringing )
Jess?
( Jess ) What's wrong?
Okay, Bobby just text me,
he wants me to send him, like, a sexy picture.
Oh my God, did you?
No, no, I've been trying
and they're just, like, really bad.
Should I just send him that one where--
Remember I met Hillary Clinton at LaGuardia?
Should I send him that one?
You can, like, basically see my nipple.
They made me take it off Facebook,
so it's definitely not not sexual.
You're taking them yourself?
Yeah... Wait, what?
Honey, let me call my guy.
Your guy?
( phone text beeping )
Oh, that's Bobby again.
Okay, I'm calling Danny P. right now.
Danny P.?
( knocking )
Hi, come on in.
Hi, thank you.
Cute place.
Do you teach art to cats?
Can I offer you something?
Offer me what?
Half a coconut water and the dirt from your Brita?
I think I'm actually good, lonelybones,
I'm kind of in a rush.
What do you got already, let's see.
Ooh.
Why the cactus?
That's not a-- that's not a cactus.
Okay, we need the bush team on standby,
it looks like she's got a Hasidic rabbi
living in her underpants.
No offense.
Okay.
We're just gonna clean you up, it'll take a second.
20 minutes.
Don't worry, you're in good hands, okay?
I've done everyone's.
I'm talking Blake Lively, Scarlett Jo,
George Lopez.
It was actually my idea to make Brett Favre's dick,
like, bright yellow.
No, that was you?
That was me.
Let's get to it.
Did you wear that yesterday?
Yes!
Very good, but don't forget your duck mouth,
don't forget that duck mouth.
Now you're in a boat.
You're in a boat because you're Pocahontas
and it's the new world!
Maybe less feathers.
Smile like you don't have Spanx on.
Yeah!
Lay back and look really alluring.
Well, actually, don't look dead.
You're pregnant!
You're pregnant with gift cards !
Yeah!
Oh-- Are you gonna ( bleep ) your pants?
Oh my God, are you gonna ( bleep ) your pants?
You're so comfy.
Too comfy.
Too comfy.
Look, if you don't watch your ( bleep ) shadow,
I will remove it.
Here we go.
Yes!
You've got a secret and only the pillow can know.
Wash yourself.
Wash your whole body and your armpits and under your boobs.
Amy!
Oh no, there's a spider in your hair!
There's a spider in your hair!
No!
There's a spider in your hair, get it out!
Yes!
We have our shot, that's a wrap.
You were amazing.
Yoko!
Unplug everything, we're gonna burn this rat's nest down.
You were so great.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run downtown.
I have to shoot Diane Keaton bottomless with a turtleneck
like an hour ago, I'm sure you understand.
Oh my God, I just don't know how to thank you.
Just get ( bleep ).
Bonsoir.
( phone sending tone )
( phone alert )
I was gonna get eyelash extensions but
then I did get those Uggs that I've been eyeing.
Oh, okay.
YOLO.
All right, yeah. I guess so.
Um, hey, I'm gonna go get another drink from the bar.
You want anything?
Ooh, yeah, would you get me a Mexican Russian mojito bomb?
Babe, those take forever to make.
Why don't you just get a glass of wine or something?
No, please, babe!
Okay, oh, yeah. Okay.
(kisses)
All right.
A skinny-girl one.
Okay.
Hey.
Hi, how you doing?
Nice party, huh?
Yeah.
Ooh, I like your shirt.
It's ironic.
Right.
Right?
That is ironic.
So how do you know Glen?
Oh, um, I don't know Glen.
He was my boyfriend's roommate in college.
Okay, you don't have to slip in that you have a boyfriend, okay?
I was just making casual conversation, all right?
You're just a four. Wow.
I wasn't even making...
Sorry. Excuse me.
No, no, no, no. You're fine.
I haven't even had enough drinks to be stumbling.
Which is a sign I should probably get another one.
Yeah, I hear you. (chuckles)
Can I get you something?
Oh, no, no, no. My boyfriend's grabbing me one.
Wow, you're arrogant.
I was just trying to be nice.
You don't have to cram in that you have a boyfriend.
No, I wasn't doing that.
I only sleep with Asian girls.
Pretty arrogant.
For a three.
I'm a four.
Looks like you don't know too many people here either, huh?
Oh, no, I just...
(mouthing)
No. (chuckles)
Where are you from?
Long Island.
Ooh, Long Island, that's cool.
Yeah.
Can I get you a drink?
No, I-- I'm...
Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah?
What do you want?
White wine.
Oh, I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Here.
Oh, wow.
That was easy.
(chuckles) Yeah.
This poor schmuck over there is waiting
for this like insanely complicated drink
that you have to like harvest a field to make.
Oh, my God. (laughing)
What kind of a piece of shit
wants a really refreshing drink like that?
(both laughing)
So what town are you from?
I'm from Ronkonkoma. You ever been to the Konk?
Oh, my God, you're amazing.
I'm so glad you were at that party.
Mmm.
How do you know Glen?
I can't remember.
I'm having an orgasm right now.
Oh!
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, go!
(laughs) Oh, my God, yeah!
♪♪
Boyfriend, I have a boyfriend.
Hey, Henry?!
And cup of cocoa with an extra marshmallow
for my best girl.
What's up?
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(cups clank)
(slurping)
Okay, I feel like I have to tell you something.
Remember the night you met me at that party?
I was by myself.
I have, um--
Let me stop you right there.
Because you will never be by yourself again.
What? What are you doing?
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God.
(violin playing)
Um...
Yep.
She said yep! She said yep!
(laughing) Yes!
I will.
Oh, you've made me the happiest man in Ronkonkoma.
(monitor beeping)
Henry, I have to tell you something.
I have a boyfriend.
Ever since we met, that party,
he was getting me a drink and it took too long.
God, I just didn't want to be arrogant
and slip in that I had a boyfriend.
I tried to tell you after Bennett was born,
but by then, super weird.
Wow.
Slow your roll, asshole.
I was never interested in you anyway
'cause I'm gay, P.S.
What?!
I just needed a beard
so I could keep my job at Halliburton.
Arrogant.
(flatlining beep)
(ringtone chiming)
Ooh!
(groans) Oh!
There she is.
Baby, I missed you so much.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Sorry things got so out of hand at that party.
They were out of Malibu so I got you some well rum.
Oh, I don't want this.
Oh, can I just have a mudslide instead?
Please?
Well rum?
This is gonna be good.
Do we really have to do this?
Yes, we're not communicating.
We need help.
We're not communicating?
Yeah, we're not communicating.
I don't even know what you're saying right now.
(door opens)
Hello.
Hi, I'm Chrissy Teigen.
I'm so sorry about the wait.
Come on in.
Thank you so much for seeing us.
No problem.
It's gonna be fine.
So let's get started.
First of all, how long have you two been together?
Four years.
Well, we had a good run, if that's what you mean.
Well, I think it's great you guys are both here.
It shows that this relationship
is something that's important to the both of you.
I'm sorry, aren't you a model?
She's a supermodel.
You sound like a real ass(bleep) right now.
I actually was a model,
but now I'm a clinical social worker
and I really love it.
You know, I'm really enjoying this now
and I mean, who wants to ride a horse naked
for the camera all the time?
I'd rather just do that on my own.
And as you know, modeling is great,
but you hit 27 and suddenly, you're old.
Oh, that's not old.
Amy's 37.
I'm 32.
Yeah, but you're a drinker.
All right, so let's talk about what brought you two here.
I'll start.
Um...
You know, when, when Amy gets jealous,
I get really frustrated.
So I have to like, you know,
go to the gym and then I gotta sweat it out.
Just... (growls)
And Amy?
Well, I, I feel like he's cheating on me.
You just need to learn to believe that I'm not.
Uh, well, these sound like two very conflicting perspectives, obviously--
Can you put your glasses back on, please?
Of course.
Thank you.
No, no.
No, no, no.
No, don't do that.
Okay, uh, well, he never has sex with me, like at all.
It's because I don't want to.
And Amy, how does that make you feel?
That makes me feel unattractive, Chrissy Teigen.
You know what, Kevin, maintaining self-esteem for a woman
can be really difficult.
I think we all feel a little bit ugly sometimes.
All right, I want to try a role play.
I'm going to be Amy.
Kevin, I'd like you to say to me
all the things that you'd like to do to Amy in bed.
Okay--
No.
I don't think that's a good idea for us--
First, I want to kiss you for hours.
And then I want to run my fingers
through your long, dark hair.
And then I wanna drive you crazy
by licking you in places no other man,
including John Legend,
has ever touched before.
All right, why don't you now
say those things directly to Amy?
It's okay.
I think she got it.
I don't think this is helping at all.
So it's agreed. We're on a break.
You know what I like to do sometimes is kind of
finish off the session with just one of you.
I think that would be the smartest deal here.
Okay, yeah.
Amy, you'll take a Citi Bike home, right?
I've never even used a Citi Bike.
It's really easy. You just use a credit card.
Actually, Kevin, I think it's best if I finish with Amy,
but, um, you know what?
My business cards are still being made.
But all my information is on this for you.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
We have a calendar--
Wow, this has everything.
I will put this to use.
Great, and then I will see you Monday.
Monday.
Perfect. I will see you then.
Monday.
See you at home.
See you.
Girl, don't blow this, girl.
What?
That man out there is a total catch.
You need to lock it down.
Really?
(phone chimes)
Oh, gross. It's a dick.
It's Kevin.
(woman) "My Dream Breakup."
Amy, a high school graduate,
is ready to change her relationship status
with her boyfriend, Nick.
Hello, gorgeous.
Are you my breakup girl?
Yes, hi.
Hi, come here.
Nick and I have been dating for two-and-a-half years.
Nick is like, such a great guy, but I just,
I know in my heart that I'm ready for something taller.
So let's talk general concept.
Have we given any thought to whether you want it to be
a slow realization or a devastating blindside?
Um, I guess blindside feels more me.
You know what?
I knew you were going to say that.
I just get you.
You do.
Let's look at some venues, come on.
You know what?
I have an idea, Amy.
Let me tell you.
What do you think about tapas?
I love the small plates idea.
I think it's a great fit for you, Amy.
You know, it's low commitment, you can leave after
the bacon-wrapped figs if you want, or if he's crying,
you can stay for the croquettas!
Ooh, I love croquettas!
Then we're gonna have to make him cry.
You're such a natural.
Have you done this before?
No. No.
Everyone always breaks up with me.
Mom, one to 10?
♪♪
Mom.
When I divorced your father,
I wore something more traditional.
This is my day!
Oh, sweetie.
No, you stop it.
You're ruining this!
(sighs)
Mom, can I talk to you for a second?
(crying) Why are you being mean?
That looks...
...great!
We have the dress!
(Amy) I watched my friends do this over and over again
and now it's my turn.
Blessed.
(whispers) Hey.
Why are all these cameras here?
Nick,
the times we shared can never be taken away from us.
What are you guys shooting?
But all things must run their course and in due time,
even everything ends.
So Nick, today, I'd like to tell you that
I am breaking up with you.
(mouthing words)
Go for Eduardo and Pilar.
Wait, what?
♪♪
We have tears.
Go for croquettas!
(man sings in Spanish)
Why the (bleep) is he singing?
No, I'm sorry, no.
These are from Spain.
(groaning)
Sweetie, I'm sorry, no singing, okay?
Lo siento.
But if I want to hear you sing, I will put a dollar
in your (bleep) sombrero.
This is not the (bleep) "Voice".
Do I look like I'm in a spinny chair?
Please just follow instructions.
I have 200 of you.
I don't even know what to say right now.
I'm like, totally blindsided.
What is this?
Oh, you're giving me my stuff back in a gift bag?
Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.
Holy God!
Sweetie, you were amazing!
You did it, girl!
We did it.
It couldn't have been more perfect.
It was truly the breakup of my dreams and the best part--
now I have a new gay best friend.
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna (bleep) her.
♪♪
For more infomation >> URI ending relationship with controversial Confucius Institute - Duration: 2:01. 
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