- We're back.
Ta-Dah!
(laughs)
- Hello, welcome back to a video.
Hi, my name is MaryV.
(laughs)
I use she/her pronouns and I identify as cis girl,
and I identify as queer.
- My name is Chella Man.
I identify trans masculine and genderqueer.
My pronouns are he/him, and, what else?
- Oh, I'm 20 years old.
- I'm 19 years old.
- Okay, so about a year and a half ago,
we made a video titled, Being in a Relationship
with Someone Who's Transitioning.
This is a video on being in a relationship
with someone who's transitioning.
Part one.
Well, it wasn't called part one then
because we didn't know we'd make part two.
But because we got so many questions after that,
and a lot of specific scenarios that people
were wondering about, we wanted to make part two.
So here we are.
- And I think we've also learned so much
since we filmed part one.
So I think, part one, but we have a lot more to say now.
- Yeah, yeah.
So if you haven't checked out part one,
please go check it out.
It'll be linked below.
And yeah, I talk about.
- This is what YouTubers do.
- Oh.
- Link below.
Sorry, we're new at this.
- I talk about what this exactly means,
being in a relationship with someone who's transitioning,
the definition of dysphoria, and I cut it up
into three parts.
Dysphoria, support, and sex.
We'll be going over the same things again in this video,
but a little more because I posted on my Instagram
one of the question thingies.
- Yes, ask features.
- Asking people if they had specific questions for part two.
So I got a lot of questions so went through some of them.
- A lot of great questions, too,
so thank you for submitting all of them.
- Yeah, thank you, everyone
because we want this to be conversation with everyone.
- Mhm.
- That needs information.
In the past video, we had been together, I think,
over 10 months, but now we've been together for.
- 10 months?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
(laughs)
Wait, really?
- Yes.
- I feel like it was a lot longer than that.
Maybe it was just because we've been through a lot.
Okay, sorry, continue.
- And now we've been together for two years and one month.
- Yeah.
So in the past video, I was little over one month
on testosterone.
And now I'm about, I'm almost one year and a half on T,
and I could rant about this, but I'm just going to say
it feels absolutely incredible.
And I really connect much more to how I present now
rather than back then.
Also, huge update.
This part January, January 10th, specifically,
I got top surgery.
And it was an incredible, incredible experience.
And if you check out some of my former videos,
I talk a lot more about that.
In aw, it feels incredible.
I am extremely happy with the results.
I'm gonna stop there so I don't get too emotional
or rant anymore, but a lot has happened.
- Yeah.
- Again, why we need to make an update video.
- Also, I wanted to say this as a disclaimer.
We can try our best to answer these questions,
but a lot of them are coming from personal experience.
And these are just our ways that we have managed
and dealt with the situations that have come up,
and things that work best for us.
And we are just giving advice.
But in no way, shape, or form are we saying
that this works for everyone.
(laughs)
Just advice to share.
Okay, so again, I will splitting this up into three parts,
dysphoria, sex, and support.
But then also including a little bit about top surgery,
being a partner in the relationship,
and how to support, navigate that.
And also a little bit about testosterone, being a partner
while your partner's going through that as well.
So, here we go.
First thing that we're gonna talk about is dysphoria,
and I'm gonna include my last clip of the definition of it
because I still agree with what I said, so.
What is dysphoria?
The definition of dysphoria.
Dysphoria is when someone feels uncomfortable
or doesn't connect with their body mentally,
and I feel like that's the best way to put it in short.
- Yeah, it sucks.
- When your partner has dysphoria,
it's something that you have to first off
just have a conversation about.
Ask them specifically what makes them dysphoric,
what could trigger their dysphoria,
work together as a team to see if there's certain things
that you can do help their dysphoria.
- Communication is really key, and I think,
within that, honesty is so important.
You can't just expect your partner to know.
Although it may be something that is on your mind
110% of the time, believe me, I understand that,
they don't know what's on your mind.
They're not mind readers.
So, in as much as you feel comfortable and safe with,
it's very important to just have open communication
across the board.
- Try your best not to make it your other partner's job
to educate you on what it means.
Try your best to do your own research first.
On Google, on Instagram, on Tumblr,
there are a lot of great trans or nonbinary people
that talk about dysphoria.
Also now I think we should jump into the questions
that I got from dysphoria.
- And thank you, you know, for doing that.
You know, like, as your partner,
it means the world to me that although it's not your
responsibility, you go out of your way to do that,
and you dedicate time to do that, and it shows me
how much you care about me, and how much you love me,
and I'm just eternally grateful for that.
And I think it's very important if your partner
does do these things, let them know
how much this means to you.
I think it really gave me hope about what I believe
people would do for me and how people should accommodate
for others.
- Yeah.
So, oh my gosh, got a ton of questions.
- Yes.
Also, MaryV organized these questions so well.
On it like (clicks tongue).
- First question.
How can I reassure him that I find him attractive
without making him dysphoric?
So this person specifically used he/him pronouns
for their situation, but this could for anyone.
Similar to this, how can I reassure my partner
that I find them attractive without falling into
toxic masculinity or anything like that?
Overall just like, letting them know how special they are,
and how special they look with or without clothes.
Or if you can see that they just are gleaming in one moment
try to amplify that and being like, yeah, you look hot.
(laughs)
Even in their darkest moments of dysphoria,
just letting them know that you are still attracted to them
because of their mind and soul.
I don't know, I feel like I did that with you.
- You did, yeah.
I mean I, yeah.
- I don't know if it sounded cheesy at any point.
- Well this is the thing.
Sometimes when you talk about things that are really real
and genuinely heavy to you, they come out sounding cheesy,
but anyone around you should know, if they really know you,
that it's not cheesy because you 110% mean it.
- So I feel like, in short,
that's the best way to answer that question.
- She did do that.
And I mean, it was so helpful.
You can't imagine when I was in, like you said,
the darkest points of my dysphoria sometime when,
even though I know it is unhealthy,
sometimes I had to wear my binder to go to bed.
She would just always start like showering me
in compliments, or just like telling me that she loved me.
And it, in this dark, dark moment, it shed some light on it.
The smallest things as complimenting them
can really change their entire transition,
or specifically the darkest moments of their transition.
- So next question that someone asked,
best way to comfort your partner during a situation
that makes them dysphoric.
- Let's think about a specific time
when this happened with us.
- Yeah.
- Where I grew up, in short, is very narrow-minded.
When we both went back for my senior prom,
like, I skipped senior year but when back for prom,
I went to it wearing a tuxedo.
At the time, I was pre-T, and I was surrounded by people
who triggered me.
Being in that atmosphere that I grew up in again,
and my binder, of course, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I got very dysphoric at a time when ideally
we should be having fun and just dancing and laughing.
- For me, I mean, that was the first time
I really had to deal with something like that
or navigate something like that.
I was just checking in with you every so often,
like, are you okay?
How do you feel?
Do you wanna leave?
And I think for that situation, if it's something like
you're going out and either you're in an atmosphere
that could trigger your partner,
or your partner's wearing something that could trigger them,
just checking in every once in a while.
How do you feel?
And giving that option of being able to go home.
Even though I know it sucks having to end a night early
or having to leave your friends or any people
you're having out with, but I think just overall,
there are many many other times that you can see
these people again, but giving the option
of just being able to go home and being like,
we need to take a break from the situation.
- And I think that's something that you do really well,
just because you don't ever shame me for choosing, yes,
whenever you voice that option.
There are a lot of situations in which
she could provide the option but then passive aggressively
shame me if I say yes, I do wanna go home.
And you could go, really?
You're just like, oh, perfect, let's go home.
Let's rest.
Let's watch a move, let's do something.
And you're so encouraging about it.
And there's ever never a bit of shame,
which could change everything
about how you present that option.
- Yeah, yeah.
Overall, the best way to comfort your partner, I think,
is just being communicative.
- Communicative?
- Communicating.
And giving them options of we can go home,
we can take breaks, we can, and checking in with them.
- Without shame.
- Yeah.
- One more thing.
Asking if in that moment, do they wanna be touched or not.
Because I think a lot of people's initial reactions
to comforting people have to do with hugging them,
or physically touching them.
But sometimes those people are feeling very dysphoric
at that moment do not wanna be touched,
and I think it's very important.
I think that we've learned this together
over the past year and a half.
You ask me now, do you wanna be touched right now
or do you need space?
And of course that's not her job to ask me,
and I have learned also now to voice if I do not want
to be touched or if I want space in a specific moment,
which I think helps a lot.
- Yeah.
Okay, next question that someone asked.
How would you recommend helping your partner
whose dysphoria hits in the middle of the night?
Again, it's something new to me that I didn't expect
for dysphoria to hit Chella in the middle of the night.
But I think it happens to a lot of people.
For us, we slept in the same bed.
Something that I learned from some other people is,
to maybe sleep on his chest.
- This is specifically for people who are dysphoric
about their chest.
- Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
But yeah, I feel like this question was specifically
asking about dysphoria for someone's chest.
Another thing, I would get up with Chella
and say, you know, what do you need?
Do you need some water?
Do you wanna write?
Do you wanna draw?
Do you wanna go on a walk?
And I remember this one time we went,
we went on a walk together just to,
it was like the middle of the night.
It was early or something like that.
Chella could get his mind off of it for a little bit
in the best way we could.
Even though it may be frustrating at times,
being woken up in the middle of the night
and having to look at your partner in so much pain
and not really knowing how to deal with it,
but just being able to say, you know,
I will do in this moment anything I can
to get your mind off of it.
I think that's the number one thing,
trying to get their mind off of it.
But also I wanna remind that if you're sleeping together
in the same bed, if your partner's waking you up
in the middle of the night and demanding you
to take care of the situation,
I feel like in no way is your responsibility.
And if you're in that situation where it feels
like your partner's demanding you to take care of it,
you should have a conversation about that
and say that you're being hurt by this because.
- It's not their job.
- Yeah, and sleeping's important for your partner
and also for you.
- Never have I ever asked or demanded MaryV
to take care of me because in past relationships,
I have been the person on the other end,
and have been demanded to do something for them.
And I know exactly how that feels,
so never have I ever done that to MaryV,
and I never will.
But it was an incredible privilege
that she was willing to do that for me.
And again, I will, I'm forever grateful for that.
And for her.
- Dysphoria in the middle of the night.
- Not fun, no.
But you can get through it.
- Yeah, yeah.
How do you hug closely and have vulnerable,
naked sex with so much dysphoria?
I've been through these questions before,
and this one I thought a lot about.
Typically how sex is portrayed is that
two bodies are together, completely nude.
I don't think that has to be the case
for each time you have sex.
However you have sex with someone.
You can be clothed and have sex.
Being able to communicate to that.
And I'm okay with having sex with our clothes on
if that'll make you more comfortable.
- Also just, again, asking your partner,
having open communication with them.
What are you comfortable with?
What positions would you prefer?
Where and where not would you like me to touch you?
Would any specific words turn you on more,
or make you feel more comfortable in your body?
Please let me know.
I would love to use them.
- Yeah, or even empowered and asking.
- Oh my G, do you know the sign for empowered?
I learned it the other day.
It's this.
It's like you're gaining muscle
and you're giving it someone else.
Empowerment. - That's cool.
I like that.
For us specifically,
where Chella has gotten dysphoric is his chest the most.
But I also got a lot of questions,
people asking about bottom dysphoria.
That's something to be conscious if your partner
is now getting that.
So asking them specifically what they would like.
What would you, (vocalizes).
What they specifically would like you
to call their genitalia, even their chest.
- But in all cases, again, 'cause we cannot speak
for your partner or any other couple in general,
you just have to have an open conversation with them
and ask what they prefer.
- Yeah, yeah.
Communicating.
It's awkward sometimes.
It's difficult to find time for it.
Can help so, so much, and can make your relationship
and your sex so much more healthy and so much more smooth.
Just talking about this, and I know it can be scary,
but being a partner and being like, I am open to talking
about anything just to make you happy and feel safe,
is the best thing you can do.
- No yeah, saying that changes everything.
But I think it's also important to keep in mind
that if they do not feel like talking
about anything specifically, you have to respect that.
- Yeah.
You as a partner really want to know
because you feel like you can't go forward
in the relationship without knowing.
Asking them if you could set a time later on
to talk about it, and just saying this as nice
and non-aggressive as possible,
but just, later on, I would like to speak about this.
What is something that you can do/keep in mind
so you don't trigger your partner's dysphoria?
I know if you're around new people,
those people may not know or if you're around family,
your family may not know.
But just try your best to keep it in the back of your head,
and if something does happen, just pulling them aside
and being like, I know that happened,
but I was thinking about it and doing something for them
that you know would make them feel comfortable
and for you two to feel reunited again.
- Exactly.
That could deal with things that don't even
have to do with dysphoria.
A few days ago, we were at a family reunion,
and one of them came up to me, and for those of you
who don't know, I'm deaf.
But they said, you speak very well.
Your speech almost sounds normal.
And of course, in my mind, it was a bit offensive
because there is no normal for speaking.
However you speak can and should be normal.
Normal, to be honest, should not even be a thing
because it's a social construct of what is.
- Society's ways of things that should be correct.
- Yeah.
(laughs)
I didn't say to her because I didn't want to get
into anything and I was with my family,
but being able to over to MaryV and tell her what happened
and then just having her understand that.
Being able to just have her listen to me
and understand was incredibly uplifting
and reminded me that I have a community of people
who understand me.
I think that goes with what you just said,
about being able to just go to someone else,
whether that is your partner
or someone in your chosen family, your friend, etc.
And just feeling like you are understood.
- And comforted after being triggered.
I want to give some quick things specifically between us
I've kind of a kept a list on mentally.
One that I notice, Chella sometimes before
didn't really like me wearing his clothes,
just because our body types were very different.
And maybe your partner's not even thinking about that.
You know, just for that short period of time,
not wearing their clothes.
- Or just asking them.
MaryV has a chest and curves.
Those were things that I got dysphoric about,
so see my clothes and seeing the imprint of her body,
I didn't expect to be triggered, but I found out I was.
- And another thing,
certain places where I would hold Chella or touch Chella,
whether it be out in public or during sex,
if I could just feel that he was uncomfortable
if my hands were there, I would move them.
Pick somewhere to put my hands.
Yeah.
- Support.
- Support.
That was scary.
- Yeah, I know, I kinda scared myself.
(laughs)
- Support.
To me being, having a lot of patience.
A lot of the things and scenarios that we talked about
earlier when we were talking about dysphoria,
all of those things went into that,
but I feel like patience was the number one thing.
And if you have patience between the two of you,
I, things, could.
I feel like if you have patience between the two of you,
things can work out, and, I don't know.
- You can take time to say it.
- Yeah.
- There's no pressure to say.
- Okay.
- Yeah, well.
- See, patience, right there.
I was being patient with what she had to say.
And I'm usually never the one that's patient.
- Getting a binder for the first time
can be really exciting for your partner.
Being there for that, sharing with them,
like how glowing he used to look,
how amazing they still are.
- With it or without it.
- Yeah.
- Just being this positive beacon to go to.
Even in the times when I'm typically a very positive person,
but there were of course moments where I just couldn't be.
You shared that with me.
- I have gone this past year, gotten a lot of emails
from people or DMs of them pouring their heart out to me
and telling me their situation of what they were going
through in their relationship with their partner
who is transitioning or starting to transition
or even thinking about it.
And some people saying, I don't know if I can handle this.
And I just wanted to say, if you feel like deep down
you can't handle it in that moment, that it's fine,
and you can still love and support them
without being in a relationship.
That's fine.
Hard but it's okay.
- As the person who is transitioning in the relationship,
getting them that initial warning before
to know that this is going to be heavy.
This is going to be a lot.
It will be emotionally draining.
It will be a journey and a rollercoaster.
Right after I came out, I don't like the word coming out
because I don't think it should be a thing,
but right after I came out to MaryV,
that I wanted to get top surgery and go on testosterone,
we went on walk, and I told her exactly that.
And I was like, look, I don't want you to stay in this
if this is too much.
I love you so much, and I would never want you
to have to go through this with me if it is too heavy
or you cannot handle it right now.
I completely understand if you need to take a break
right now, and you need to focus on yourself more
while I focus on myself.
Just as she would ask me questions in the future
about opting out without shame,
I did the same for her in the beginning.
And I think that is extremely important.
You have to recognize that your partner
has their own feelings and their own problems,
and it is not in any situation on them to take care of you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Using their preferred name and/or pronouns
is a huge way that you can support your partner.
I understand that sometimes some people just don't grasp
onto the idea of changing someone's pronouns,
and that may be hard or difficult to remember,
but it's overall just about respect.
And if you respect this person,
that you'll try your best to do it.
It's okay if you slip up every once in a while,
and maybe talk to your partner of how you want
to handle that if you do slip up,
because some people don't like it if you say,
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, ah,
and make a big deal about it.
But some people do appreciate if you apologize.
Do you have anything to say?
- No, I feel like you're doing a great job.
(laughing)
I'm just listening.
- Oh, and then introducing someone.
Like, on this is Chella my X, or my, I mean.
- Your ex?
- I mean like X, like, X like fill in the blank.
Okay, I'm gonna say it again.
This is Chella my fill-in-the-blank.
- That's better.
- So I actually looked up some relationship identifiers
that are for people that are nonbinary
'cause I know that's really difficult to find.
- Yeah.
- Because you don't wanna stay in the binaries
of boyfriend or girlfriend.
- And it's also just hard to connect
with something that's partner.
For me, I feel like it feels formal,
and I don't connect with it as much.
But I also do not like staying in the binaries
and saying boyfriend, girlfriend.
I don't realize, I kinda like the sign.
I wish that we could just say oh hi, wait,
this is MaryV, my.
You know?
And just sign it because I feel like no word is good enough
for what I really feel towards you.
- Yeah.
- And I wish that I could just fill in the blank
with a sign.
- Yeah.
I mean, I feel like people would be confused.
- Well yeah.
- What is this person doing with their hands?
- But I feel like, I feel like.
- Yeah, I wish.
- I feel like people are confused if you say partner.
And then they like go over to different friends,
and they're like, so do they work together?
Or, you know?
- But I feel like also a lot of queer people know,
like, oh partner.
- Queer people.
- Yeah.
- Depends on where you are.
- Yeah, no.
- But in all cases, yes, I, well.
- Well here are a couple.
- Yeah.
- Significant other.
- Just like the L Word, this is my lover, Cindy.
- Oh my God, ew ew ew, oh, so terrible.
Ugh.
I suggest watching the L Word, we just finished.
It's a little, actually it's a lot.
- It is a lot of problematic.
- Yeah, it's a lot of problematic, but.
(laughing)
- At least it was like, the first of its kind,
and very progressive in a lot of its ways.
But of course like, whenever you look
at the first progressive thing of that time period,
when you look at it later on, it's always problematic
for that time period now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Anyway.
Nonbinary relationship identifiers.
- Partner, my person, the person I'm in love with.
I used that for a little while for Chella.
Lover, soulmate, and then lastly,
you could just use their name.
I mean.
- Or the sign.
Partner.
Put your pinkies out, partner.
Okay.
- Cute, cute, cute.
Like yeah, just talk with your partner
and try to make something cute, fun,
and new with each other.
- I'm not really about, like, oh this is my pookie.
- Yeah, well some people are into that,
or being like, this is my.
- Cupcake, buttercup squash.
(laughs)
Whatever works for you.
- Yeah.
(laughs)
Okay, lastly, bathrooms.
(yells softly)
(laughing)
Bathrooms.
(yelling)
With like thunder cracking in the background.
- We can add that in.
- Yeah, we could.
Bathrooms.
(thunder cracking)
Well, I think just the whole bathroom situation
in general is frustrating.
(sighs)
Being a cis person, always being aware
of that bathrooms are a scary, sometimes dangerous place
for people, telling them I can go with you to the bathroom.
I can accompany you to the bathroom.
I will do anything I can right now to find you
a gender neutral bathroom.
I feel like can change the world for your partner,
or even if you're hanging out with other people.
I think that's something that I'm trying
to always think about.
Will the bathrooms be accessible
for the people that I'm with?
- I mean, even if you are going to a restaurant
or just any public space, you could even call ahead
and ask the bathroom situation.
Are the bathrooms here gender neutral?
Could you make them gender neutral for this day
or this hour?
All you need to do is cover up that binary sign
with a gender neutral text.
- Yeah, so something that came up a lot
before Chella started taking testosterone
and was in the stage of not passing yet,
or just not passing.
- Yeah, which was my entire life up until this past year.
- What I think there was a big chunk of time
when you were taking T and you were just
in this androgynous stage.
- But again, yeah, I mean, I've experienced that growing up.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, with me, I'm talking about.
- Oh, with you, yeah.
- But this is something that worried me
when we were both going to the women's restroom together.
And there were a couple instances where people came up
to Chella and/or tried to stop him from going
to the bathroom.
- Yeah.
- Or.
- Asked for the letter that was my on my birth certificate.
- Yeah, and I think for me, it was something
that was really scary, and not something that I knew
how to navigate yet, but.
- I mean, for anyone's it's not right.
- Yeah, yeah.
But I think that definitely depends first off
the area that you're in and the situation that you're in
and the person that is approaching you.
But for the situations that were in
and the people that were approaching us,
I personally felt safe enough to stand up for Chella
and for us, and I simply said to these people,
because they would come up, and I remember this one time
we were at the train station.
And there was one of the cleaning people of the bathroom
came up to us and was like, whoa whoa whoa,
this is the woman's restoom.
And or, said to you.
I just looked at her and said very calmly,
that doesn't matter, we're just here to use the restroom.
I think this person was just taken aback a little bit, and.
- But yeah, I think it really depends on the situation
and what you feel comfortable doing.
And also a lot of times, I found, when I was with MaryV,
she would end up saying something
because I have trouble hearing what the other people say.
So a lot of times when someone confronts me,
I can't understand what they're saying
because of the area we're in or maybe I don't have
my cochlear implants in.
And so I'm lucky enough to have MaryV to say something
because like, I would have said something.
Like, it's not like I needed you to stand up for me
and I was asking you to.
Again, it really depends on the situation,
the person who confronts you, how you feel
as an individual standing up to them.
Overall, just try to avoid any aggression
in all situations, and just let them know
if you want to let them know at all,
you are just there to use the bathroom, and that is all.
And that is your right.
- As a cis person, you should definitely be aware
of that these situations can happen,
and knowing how to navigate them safely.
But I think just overall,
looking for gender neutral bathrooms is the best thing
that you can do.
One of the questions is, how do you address strangers
and people who have inappropriate questions?
I think a lot of people have a lot of questions about.
- Things that are not represented in society's.
- Mass media.
(laughs)
How we personally deal with those kinds of questions,
depending on who the person is because, it, yeah,
just of course depends on the person.
But I think just saying, you know, very calmly,
we don't feel comfortable answering that question.
And especially if you're in a public place,
if you feel comfortable telling the person,
that isn't really a question that you should
be asking people unless you're, unless you are in a space
that is more comfortable having the conversation.
- I found in a lot of cases, I hardly decline a question
because I think I'm typically very open person,
and I know that in most cases,
they are not trying to be malicious by asking the question.
They are just honestly curious, which is valid
because considering what is represented
in today's mass media, I, or people like me
with my identities are not usually,
there's not usually conversations or dialogues spoken
around what I deal with on a daily basis.
So if the person is truly trying to ask a question
without being malicious, I try to answer as politely
and clearly as I can without using terms they may
or may not understand.
Try to explain it in a way that is as simple as possible.
And I think the answer is just that.
Trying to explain it without aggression, as simple
as you can, if you are open to answering the question.
It's incredible, because who knows?
That person who just answered a question to
may go an try to learn more about it,
or may try to be more open-minded about situations
like that next time.
And maybe when you're done after answering a question,
just adding, just so you know, the way that you phrased
that question may be a bit offensive to people like me
or people from my community or anyone in general.
And just saying it in the most polite way as possible.
It will change the way people go about in the world.
- Whether you are the person who's transitioning
or the person who's cis in the relationship,
just the person who is in a relationship also
who is not transitioning, just knowing that you have
no obligation to answer anyone's question.
Whether it be simply out of curiosity
and wanting to educate themselves, or on the other hand,
them wanting to be rude or ignorant,
that you don't have to answer.
And questions that I, because similar to Chella,
I answer most questions that people have
because I want to educate people.
But questions that I don't answer is
that they're specifically about Chella or about his body
because we don't have the same bodies,
and some people want to ask me, who is cis,
because they are also cis, and want to know more
about a trans or trans/nonbinary body,
and that's not my place to speak
because I'm not gonna talk about Chella's body
without him there.
And what I say to that is, you know,
there's the internet, look it up.
- There are so many resources today if you truly are
interested in respectfully educating yourself,
you can find a way.
- Sex.
- Part three.
- Sex.
(laughs)
First question that I got.
How has intimacy change throughout his transition?
- I think one of the main things that has shifted
is my physical body, and the fact that my chest is now flat.
And bottom growth is a thing, where on testosterone,
your clitoris will grow, or however you would like
to refer to genital.
Scientific way, clitoris grows on testosterone.
And I think that changes your sensation as a person,
because as it gets bigger, you're able to feel more,
or different things will feel better,
or the way that you have sex can change.
Because sensation in general shifts.
I don't have feeling my nipples anymore,
so my chest is numb.
But the shifts in my bottom region.
- Yeah, for me, this was, again something new
for me to experience and go through with Chella.
But in our intimacy, I think the way we spoke to one another
has changed a lot.
The terms we use.
The way we talk to each other during sex,
I think, has changed because there's certain words
that we didn't use before but now we do,
just to either make Chella more comfortable
or to make one of us feel more comfortable.
Okay, next question.
How do you deal with taking the binder off during sex?
How should the person's chest be considered
after the binder is off?
- Again, this really depends person to person.
And you just have to be open with your partner,
have a conversation about it.
- Mhm.
- We cannot, I mean, as much as we'd like to,
we cannot answer that for your partner.
- Yeah.
But as a partner, I think it might be a break
for a little bit, to give your partner a little time
to take off their binder or even asking your partner
if they need help taking it off
because it could be a little encouraging for them
to help them take it off.
But if they don't, respecting that
and maybe letting them do that in a different room,
or keeping the lights off once they take off their binder
could be really helpful, too.
And just respecting any choices they make.
Coming to the sexual situation with these suggestions.
Like, we can keep the lights off
when you take off your binder.
I can help you.
- Or you can watch this video together,
and then just talk about the options presented to you.
- And then once they do take off their binder,
it can be a really vulnerable experience for them
and for you.
But asking them how you'd want to refer.
If they would like you to touch their chest at all
or if they don't, and just remembering that.
- That's it.
- Yay.
I feel like there's still a ton of things
that we didn't cover for this video.
- Yeah.
- And.
- I mean, this is such a broad topic.
- Yeah, yeah, huge.
- But if you would like us to make more videos
about top surgery or testosterone or any other topics
that you have in mind, please let us know.
We will definitely love to make videos about this.
- Yeah.
Thank you for watching this, and.
- Thank you for watching.
- Love and support and kiss your partner
as much as you can.
- Yeah.
And to say the least, it can be extremely hard,
but to just to try maintain a positive outlook
in all situations, it really shifts absolutely everything.
- I love you.
- I love you.
And we wish you luck.
- Yeah.
- All of the luck and all of the love on your own journeys.
- Mhm, yeah.
Whichever path you decide to take.
(kissing noises)
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