Our next subject is rapport in your notes anywhere you want there's no place
for just right rapport is power rapport is power earlier today we said anything
you want to achieve anything you want to learn master experience there's somebody
out there who has a life experience the understanding the network the capital
the thing you need to be able to achieve it
but they're not gonna give you what they want or they don't give you what you
want rather a need until you first give them what they want need and you're not
even gonna find out what they want need until you first get in a relationship of
rapport if you don't do that you're never gonna learn anything rapport
aspire what is a relationship rapport rapport means total responsiveness
between people when someone is totally responding to you and your total
responding that you're in rapport there's that connection it's that spark
that happens in certain communications or relationships now everybody wants to
create rapport have it but most people only get rapport with people who are
like whom themselves and they lose with everybody else which means you got a
very limited world so we want to take it to a different level so let's say for
example if I said to you right now guys I want you to go out to a local
restaurant a bar and I want you to meet somebody and I want you to develop
rapport with him a connection with them how many feel like you do that no
problem say I and if you're not raising your hand you're probably selling
yourself short of course you could how would you do it though you walk in this
restaurant a bar you meet somebody and you engage them in conversation by
asking a few what questions now is it possible to ask a few questions and have
a conversation go boom and just die is that possible yes or no so questions
don't create rapport questions or a tool use to dig for something what are you
digging for we ask these questions you're trying to find something in what
that's right so write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality we people we feel like we have something in common
someone there's a spark now here's the problem if rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality most people try to get rapport by using words but you've
already learned something what percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means you're leaving out 93% of your skills
which is why most people don't get rapport with a large number of people
yeah what do you do you walk in a restaurant or bar and go hi what's your
name where are you from why are you here and person says my name is Abby I'm from
Rach I'm a terrorist I'm here to kill people and you go amazing me too
now see words don't always work do they but there is something that always works
to get rapport and it's something called matching and mirroring matching and
mirroring now matching and mirroring came about 35 years ago when it's we've
all done matching men our whole lives but the person who pointed out was
Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a genius what he did was he was a medical
doctor but he also was a psychologist and a hypnotherapist probably the best
that ever lived and people will come to see him who try
to change everything anywhere else in their life nothing at work they see him
for one session he'd handle it and the reason is because he understood
something he understood that you have both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the subconscious is more powerful it's the
part that makes your heart beat a hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that's what he did but here's how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I've taught this for 25 years I'm
sure you've heard of it and I've written in my books and it's
been taught in a variety of other areas now but it's one thing to know it
intellectually or to understand it's another thing to know it what you're
doing it that's what I want to get you to do tonight so you have a real
experience of it that you won't forget but here's the basis of it people like
people who are like whom themselves and people don't
like people who are not like themselves to be more specific right this now
people like people who are like themselves or who are like how they
would like to be people like people who are like themselves or or how they would
like to be people like people are like themselves or how they would like to be
so question I like you to think of someone you really really like a lot and
then if you would raise your hand this person is either like you or they're
like how you want to be if that's true is you can say I of course that's why
you like him now think of someone you don't like I'm sure you like everyone
but if you once were a nun spiritual person and felt these feelings some of
you don't like raise your hand if they're not like you or they're not like
how you want to be if that's true raise your hand say I and that's the opposite
people don't like people who are not like them or are not like how they want
to be that's the bottom line of it so this concept Erickson noticed he used it
in the following way watch me if you came to see dr. Erickson
instead of talking to you intellectually and trying to get through to you he'd go
right to the jugular by getting your nervous system connected to him getting
rapport so if you came to him and you said dr. Erickson I don't know this is a
waste of time I've I've tried everything and I don't know I think I should just
go he would do this he'd go I'm sure it looks that way on the surface but you
haven't tried this so you haven't tried everything and I think you should stay
and the person would go Oh something about this guy I like you know he's not
over the top you know what I mean he's like really real there's just something
about him that feels down-home and real to me right if you came to see him as a
dr. Erickson I've tried everything it's a waste of my time I'm out of here
you think you sit out you haven't tried everything you've got the
before you say it right here okay goes hey I'm like this guy's got some spunk
kick ass maybe he could do something see he became like the people who's
communicating with and what it was is whatever they put out he sent the same
message back like biofeedback and didn't train them to him so that when he didn't
told their unconscious what to do their brain just did it that was his power now
we all do this naturally we want to some fun gone tonight to a singles bar and
watch people when they first meet and then you can see when the rapport
happens if they finally sit down and they'll start to lean in the same
direction will start nodding their head at the same tempo and one's tapping
their foot often you'll see anyone tap their foot the volume and tone of their
voice will start to mirror if they're an app or if they're out a report you'll
see them interact opposites of this nature now if you want to be effective
then mirroring is so easy we do it naturally but here's the problem most
people wait till they have enough words in common then they put the voice in
common in the body in common but words only 7% they don't work all the time and
by the way do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their style yes or
no that's right write this in your notes style is more important than substance
initially style is more important and substance initially that sounds terrible
but it's true style is more important than substance initially now I notice I
say initially and you don't have any substance it's not gonna last but you
can have lots of substance and no style and people never hear a word you say no
one will ever get to know what you believe I give an example how many have
ever dealt with somebody whose tone of voice alone drove you up a wall and you
couldn't listen to anything they said they had like Dennis trill tonality
heaven even it was something like this AI okay so that style gets in the way of
substance now let's give an example let's say you and I want to mirror
something we want someone to feel connected to us and we're gonna do it on
the phone what are some aspects of the voice that you could mirror that would
make them unconsciously immediately feel connected to you what are some aspects
you tell me okay tone of voice as we just said is a perfect one cuz if you're
talking like this and they're talking like this and I said well I don't know
what Fang you're not gonna feel very
comfortable through time tone of voice is huge if you mirror someone's thought
a voice they will feel connected to you and not even know why what else besides
tone of voice could you mirror on the phone
okay tempo what kind of person talks is this pretty complaints like I'm talking
right now what kind of people talking this particular pace won't put part of
the country chance to talk at this pace on my wack web parlor country where a
new Rec will be good one New York will be a good example how do people talk
more like this feel about those fast talking city slickers do they trust them
no they don't know how to say the word dog how does a fast talking person feel
about a slow talking persuading Mary Mary we think Mary what a big man what a
date there he goes Wow well watch nobody's ever seen this mismatch between
two people right what else besides speed volume loud talking people who do they
like they love loud talking people they know you're a real man you're a real
woman too who else likes loud talking people deaf people like loud talking
people but how to quiet talking people feel about those loud talking people
they're obnoxious aren't they and of course intelligent people talk like you
and I do don't they do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their volume
by by their tone by their tempo yes or no you better believe we do what else
could you mirror on the phone terminology key words there's certain
words people use again and again if you sell real estate and somebody comes in
and says I'm looking for a magnificent home do you want to say oh I have a
fantastic place to show you know I have this experience myself once
and I said look at this no no I got a fantastic place fantastic and
magnificent maybe the same to you but I guarantee they aren't for the other
person if you mirror their words they will feel heard they will feel
understood and they will also feel you're as smart as they are what else
besides words tone tempo ball accent well only if you really have that
accent because you trying to duplicate it it's not really your accent you're
gonna break rapport right what about the body
what could you mirror in the body if you were there in person what could you
mirror posture is very powerful they're really upright your upright they're more
relaxed you're more relaxed what else gestures watch this if somebody's
talking and people are funny when they're making important points
people have idiosyncratic gestures idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you're talking this guy and he said I don't think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny little gesture when he's talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn back to him and say you know that's a
great idea can I ask you a question though what if
we do this instead you make that same emotion with your hand and look at him
you'd be like up friend you think I'm kidding you go out tonight
at dinner and you find somebody who's on an angle to you or in front of you don't
even look at him just mirror them for five to ten minutes they reach for the
glass reach for a glass the glass is empty no one's gonna know it's just
reach for the glass they bring it up they bring it down bring it down they
reach the four creatures before five to ten minutes five minutes usually ten
minutes max after you notice for 5-10 minutes you'll have some fun reach for
your glass and watch what they do they'll reach for it like that
it's called pacing and leading it's also known as entrainment many of you know
that if you go to an old clock shop where they have those old grandfather
clocks so they have the little pendulum that once they widen those pendulums
start out different and they all end up in sync called entrainment women know
this but most men don't so i'll just share this with you women have the
ability to be like clocks with other women when women hang out together men
they literally end up having their periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time as a true ladies yes or no if they are poor
their periods become insane so women's periods can come in sync you could get
rapport with a stranger across the room and all you got to do is mirror them for
five or 10 minutes and make a change right it'll make it happen all right how
many follow so what else posture could you mirror in the body
what else gestures we already said what else facial expression most of us if
someone's telling you a story and they're like really into their story and
they're making these faces do you sit look at them like this
no you look back and make the same stupid look back like what about I
contact a lot of business people and sales people on top a total why they've
been taught like if you're really truly going to influence someone you must look
directly into their eyes and not break eye contact for 45 straight minutes this
way they know you really mean it there's only one problem with that the problem
is people like people who are like whom themselves so if you've got somebody
just stares in your eyes and doesn't blink for 45 straight but it's gonna
freak you out what kind of person steers your eyes and doesn't break eye contact
aliens that's who most humans look away right so if they look away give them a
break and look away don't make them crazy now if you meet somebody who like
locks eyes with you and doesn't break eye contact you lock eyes right back you
keep them on for 45 minutes they'll know you're an alien too it'll build rapport
what else what else besides eye contact facial expressions gestures posture come
on what else breathing breathing is very powerful one of the most powerful if you
breathe it the exact same pace as another person you will feel what they
are feeling period but you gotta be in the same location the same tempo and
breathing is magnificent because it really hooks you to this person how many
of you can think of a time in your life when you were breathing at the same pace
as another person and you felt really close for some reason
anybody think of a time like that see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy for
couples and when you help people in this area you get a practice because people
pay anything they'll fly anywhere to get this part of their life handled so I end
up with a six-month waiting list no exaggeration I mean every single day
book and people be calling me based on referrals cuz I help their friends and
they'd be like I gotta see it Gus you gotta see you now and I'm like I got a
six-month waiting list no no I'll pay for your lunch time I'll buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to somebody I've trained it lots of
no it's gotta be you so here's how I would deal with it I would say okay I
will give you one of my lunches if you take an assignment I give me but first
you gotta answer some questions honestly here's the first question
when you make love do you breathe in unison while you're making love and
apparently the guy will go huh can I say let me explain you're here
telling me about all these things you're upset with each other about and you talk
about these things - you're blue in the face but the real problem is you don't
feel connected you don't feel well and I said you don't have that feeling of
total oneness with each other until I can more about this is not going to
change it so if you really want to change this I suggest you do this and if
you do what I'm telling you still need me I'll give you one of my lunches so I
want you to I want you to do I want you go home and I want you to make up for an
hour and a half minimum and while you're doing it I want you to breathe in unison
the entire time with each other because what happens is you feel totally
connected as one out of who knows three four dozen people I asked to do that
only one person ever called us back and wanted to be able to do session because
the bond is there so try it not now later this evening plus the great thing
about mirroring somebody's breathing it's very subtle
no one's gonna jump on their chair and say would you stop burying my breathing
they're not gonna notice so you got breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you got eye contact what else could you
mirror come on use your brain I know the answer I want to see if you can come up
with it come on what else could you mirror proximity good what does
proximity mean proximity means everybody has a certain amount of space that they
need to be comfortable and it's different for every single person you're
gonna meet in your life so if I come walking up here like this and I start
walking let's say along here and I walk up to this lady here she's comfortable
right now and I come here I'm right on the edge of her comfort zone come on
right you can see it in her face how do I know because the muscles are neck went
eight-faced my aunt it all tighten and she stopped breathing that's a clue now
that doesn't mean she doesn't want you to come closer but that's the first
moment of her starting to feel impact and I come right back to here there we
go now she's breathing again how many could see the difference can you see it
you can see all of a sudden she's reading it so this is more comfort
what's the difference here versus here how believe had somebody do this when
they get this close to your face and you just want to punch them how many have
this experience and they almost always have bad breath too don't they so when
somebody and are there people like that to get this most in your face yes or no
now if you pull back though you just broke rapport cuz that's what they need
to feel good so you got to like hang in there with those people so it's
different for every person that you meet so how do you know do you just guess no
you use your sensory what acuity you have acute sensitivity see what's the
impact on getting here is it's working oh I can come closer or not where is it
and it can change to someone can have initial reaction then they let you
closer but you pay attention because if you don't do this breaking rapport in
this area people don't even think when you're in their space and everybody's
got different space who here freaks out when somebody gets
too close there's some people I'm sure in this room that are total freak outs
about this you ma'am and the black what's your name Lisa won't you come
down come on give her a hand come on give her a hand Lisa come on down here
come on down and run down here at least run down here run down here run down
here oh it's your face oh there we go it's the face see she's won a body block
me did you notice that you guys boom we can hit bodies that's okay but the face
watch what happens if you get in the face so you enjoying the seminar what's
been your favorite part not this part where you going
now notice once you get too close to her face did you see how many saw that
instant reaction okay she Nellie pulls back she snaps to the side because some
people most people have like a force field who have this experience hers is
more just the face and you got close closer to her chest or something like
that they they'll do one of things so this kind of person backs off but most
people are more subtle if you did too close here's what they do they start
kind of you'll see them as they're talking and they're kind of wavering
back in like the fourth if you notice their ass is moving them further and
further back from you right or they'll do this they'll turn sideways because
what does that do to creates a sense of space okay so everyone's different now
hers hers is not the body and she's got to being playful now here with this as
well but the face normally is something for her that's in effect now she's going
different she says okay I'm comfortable with you give her hand thank you very
much now there's another one that's critically important that's touch now
you can get more rapport by touching some people than by anything you could
ever say but again you're gonna have some sensory acuity you can't go up go
he looks like a touch hey man I love your hair I love your hair really good
that's really cool really good but you do that you could get killed but he's a
nice man so he didn't kill me so we got a notice there's no sound of man shakes
hands like he shakes hands he puts one hand top of the other Genesis he reached
over he just I shook his hand immediately brings the other hand on top
like this and when he does it some people they shake your hand they like
squeeze it see if they can break a few of your blood vessels you know just to
show they're a real man other people they got that fish handshake but if they
fish you you got to fish them back yeah here we go fish fish cuz that builds
rapport but in his case it's like boom boom you get more connection rapport
with him with that touch than anything you could ever say thank you so notice
how does a person touch somebody like even it's in business notice how the
business woman or man touches their assistant in a non-sexual way and this
notice if they come along and he comes my honey goes thanks a lot Tony hits me
like this three times on the shoulder and I come back and I say thank you John
I'll get more rapport by that touch than by anything that I could say to him so
touch and proximity are huge huge now you might say well this is interesting
Tony but what are you suggesting are you saying something like okay they sit down
I sit down I'm off to mirror everything someone does that rapport
it's not like they lift their leg you lift your leg they lean forward you lean
for they sit back they you sit back you don't have to do that although believe
it not you can do a lot people not even notice but for example you get rapport
just with the leg position and maybe the tone of voice
because physiology is 55 percent of communication if you're sitting there
let's say let's say you cross your leg like this can I cross my leg like this
while we're talking yes or no it'll feel comfortable to you so you start bouncing
your foot like this back and forth can I bounce my for the same tempo if I
do you'll feel totally connected to me we do it the same tempo and by the way I
can do it for a while and then if I don't like it I can slow it down and
he'll slow yours down that's pacing and leading again but if you do this if they
cross their leg and now they go ahead across you'll have to uncross the moment
Dan cross wait you go to say something and say you know what because when you
go to speak speaking requires a change of physiology and they'll ever notice
what you're doing alright very unique now it is true if you know they leaned
for it are you saying well right they lean forward I leave or they lean back I
lean back they cross the leg I cross my they pick their nose I pick my nose
exactly no you don't have to do everything and if you start going like
this when they're mirroring start going after about 20 minutes ago what's wrong
with you but you'd be surprised you come near
people and be mirroring almost everything they're doing and they rarely
have ever noticed it right
For more infomation >> Local high school teacher charged with inapropriate relationship with student - Duration: 2:26. 
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