that's the thing an ACOA partner will attract another ACOA unconsciously
why and this is the number one thing that's most dangerous everyone's there
oh we have so much good chemistry chemistry is gonna lead you wrong it
leads you right back to your past
thank you so much for tuning in again to Our 2nd Act with Paige and Silke
Riana Milne is back with us talking about love life and relationships and
how childhood trauma you know how we carry that into our adult relationships
so Riana welcome back to our program thank you Silke for having me ... before I
what I want our audience to know before we get back into it you were a love
coach life coach relationship coach on a television show tell us about that real
fast yes it's really exciting it's coming out this week it's broke
September 26 it's called radical dating finding lasting love over 40 and there's
five coaches certified you know life and dating coaches and five clients three
single women one male and single male and one gay male and we didn't know who
we were going to be assigned and I was assigned Scott the gay male and one of
the reasons was that there was a traumatic accident in Scott's life
unfortunately where he lost his partner of eight years to a car accident as an
adult and he was the partner was killed right in front of him so he was very
stuck in trying to move forward and find love again and nobody seems as good as
his other partner and he was real stuck you know but we did so well that Scott
found a new partner before taping was done he's with him now ten months so
that's very exciting ...good good well we look forward to seeing that and we'll
we'll link to that as well so it's our viewers can see it I look forward you've
told me a little bit more about it and I really look forward to seeing ...it let's
get back to our topic on our last segment you know you you
explained the the the ten traumas childhood traumas that we carry into
adulthood let's talk about now how we manifest that and why when we look like
we're in a happy relationship obviously what happens what happens okay well it's
very interesting because those of childhood traumas and for simplicity
I'll just say ACOA adult child of an alcoholic or other traumas and the ACOA
adult tends to be very fun-loving and charming and loving and romantic
they have big hearts they want love in the worst way you know so these partners as
a new relationship come across amazing you know they seem like the perfect guy
or girl like wow you know they're they're sexy they're dynamic they're
outgoing they want loved see because as a child they learned all these great
ways to get love and attention let's take a little girl that was neglected
cuz you know mom and dad had to work so they might have gone to school and
learned to be super charming to their teachers and you know the the best
student in the school to get the alkaloids at school that they might not
have gotten at home you see so they learn to be charming it's the same as
the the little boy that might have been beaten at home you know and told he's
not good enough and then it comes to clip school and he's a class clown and
gets all this attention well he uses humor or sarcasm to make friends and get
attention to feel liked so actually these are coping mechanisms as children
worked but as an adult they're faulty and they causes you know faulty
relationships so over time and I I have a lady coach now client now that I'm
working with that she's expecting her husband to be really perfect and she
came from Russia and she had a lot of childhood wounds that went on a very
difficult demanding mother and I call it the Prince principal that she expects
the man to save her to be perfect to love her in every way
he must be this we must be that or he's not loving me like he should so we put a
ton of expectations on our partners to be perfect because we didn't receive
that as a child so this stuff manifests in so many different ways let's say the
child that comes home with an F on their test and they're like oh my gosh I'm
going to be beat if they know I failed this test I'm gonna switch it to an A
and the little boy goes into his dad say dad you just have to sign I got an A on
my test and you know makes up this great story and it gets away with it well what
did he learn lying works so this is the adult that grows up that lies about
everything when they don't have to lie it doesn't
make sense why are you lying about this and they become so good at it because
it's saving them as a child wow that worked and you know mom or dad's gonna
yell at me I'm gonna lie again or be charming now this is the woman that's a
people-pleaser let's say mom and dad were fighting or mom was very difficult
they learned to be kind and charming and just stay out of the way and do
everything around the house that would be perfect
people please so they wouldn't get yelled at or punished
that was their coping mechanism so what happens as a woman she grows up and
she's doing for her husband her children the employees everybody else but herself
and these people it's very hard for them to say yes to themselves ...how do you
recognize that though if you're in an unhappy relationship as a lot of women
and men are especially if it's a long term relationship there's been lots of
issues even if it's a good relationship how do you recognize that and and and
know that maybe they should call someone like you or take action or ...well you know
I teach my people what my courses are both life coaching and then relationship
coaching seconds why because we have to take care of the childhood traumas we
have to make the unconscious conscious you can't change what you don't
understand it's my favorite quote so we have to have them understanding what
they're doing on how this dynamic has played out in their life when they go
out to date they have the arsenal of tools I've created like they know
exactly the first ten questions you should ask on the first date to see if
they're keeper or not we laugh a lot we call them one and done is not fitting in
and you're going to learn to recognize it and it's not an interview it's a
conversation and you learn to ask very easily these questions so you learn to
sort very quickly in your partner choice a lot of the ACOA dynamics do not come
out until about four to nine months into the relationship so that's why I tell my
people go very slowly ask your questions do not be intimate quickly okay because
you're going to find things out by the second and third date
you're gonna know and then you choose either to move forward with a lot of
risk or you're gonna say you're very nice but you're not just not quite right
for me yeah if I'm sorry to me to interrupt you but if you don't recognize
that that's when the relationship you're setting yourself up for another failure
exactly exactly and if you're intimate too early on with the oxytocin and all
the other great dopamine and serotonin levels flying around when you're making
love it's gonna be very hard to disengage after that 90-day period so I
encourage my people to wait take their time we really get to know them really
be smart and you know what they'll know exactly what they're looking for and
that's the key because nobody taught us this I should I didn't even learn in my
college programs and all my licensures and I have a lot of them on but you know
nowhere did they teach us this and I was when this happened to me I'm like what
does my husband have that we call it dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde okay so dr. Jekyll
everyone loves successful charming outgoing fabulous in the community and
my husband at the time was a school principal and I got a knock at the door
and he's suddenly fired I'm like why porn on the computer affair with a
teacher I'm like what .. who are you you know because everyone's
there oh Riana we want a relationship like yours you know because everyone loved us
we were like the it couple around town we were so in love we had three marriage
ceremonies were so in love so Paris Atlantic City and Cancun so it's like it
was a shock to me and I'm there why would he do this why would he ruin and
take a chance with everything and who is this other person that I had no idea who
he was so that's what led me on my research that led to my book love beyond
your dreams break free of toxic relationships to have to love you to
serve and I need it at first and then it was like the floodgates opened all my
counseling clients my coaching clients I like oh my gosh guys you're suffering
from childhood trauma and so was your partner and that's the thing an ACOA
partner will attract another ACOA unconsciously why and this is the number
one thing that's most dangerous and one's there oh we have so much good
chemistry chemistry is gonna lead you wrong it leads you right back to your
past yeah well that's the problem yeah we're on I thank you for being so open
and sharing you know one thing that we that we say about all of our guests and
experts is that we all live what we preach what we you know what we talk
about the advice we give we've been there we've done it so thank you thanks
for sharing that and writing those books which we will link to in our video
description I want to make sure everybody can get ahold of you if they
want to and I want to hold you over for one other segment let's talk about what
a you know a good relationship and emotionally healthy relationship should
look like you know in our next segment so I will keep you over and we'll see
you on our next segment of our second act with Paige and Silke thank you
thanks so much for joining us today if you haven't already done so please just
take one second and subscribe to our Channel
buttons right over here and for more videos on finding love after 50 please
visit our websites 2ndact.TV and we'll see you soon on another episode of
Our 2nd Act with Paige and Silke thank you
For more infomation >> Local high school teacher charged with inapropriate relationship with student - Duration: 2:26. 
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