News on Youtube Nov 30 2017

Hi I'm Dr. Paul, welcome back to Live On Purpose TV. Today, how to improve your

marriage in a few short minutes.

As a psychologist, I've had a lot of really

cool opportunities. One of the things that I enjoy the most is working with

couples and marriages. So the question comes up all the time, how do i improve

my marriage? We've got a little video here where we should be able to handle

that whole thing in just a few minutes, right? There's probably more to it than

that but let me boil it down to a few things that I've noticed in my 23 years

of clinical experience and almost 30 years of being married, so I'll add that

to the mix too and by the way, in saying that, I have the best marriage I know of.

I have the best one, I choose to see it that way and that serves me well. Is it a

choice how you see your marriage? Yes, it is. Here's the first concept and this is

a paradox, see if you can wrap your head around this, paradoxes are seeming

contradictions, it's something that doesn't seem like it could be true but

it absolutely is. I'm going to introduce this paradox with a little story about

my son who several years ago, as a young adult, he wanted to buy a car, he didn't

have any significant work history at that point, he didn't have any money,

he didn't have a credit score, nothing yet and as a young adult,

he wanted to get into this car. Now it was only, I think, a three thousand dollar

loan so I took him down to the local credit union, not too far from my office

here and we sat down with a loan officer and this loan officer was taking my

son's information and typing it all into her computer and and she got this dark

look on her face and she turned to my son and she said, I'm really sorry, you don't

qualify for this loan. Big surprise, right? We kind of knew that he wasn't in a

position to qualify. So I threw my hat in the ring, I said, "How about if I co-signed

on that loan with my son? How's that work for you?" This loan officer gets excited

and says, "Oh sir, that would be awesome." So she starts to enter my information, she

gets an even dark look on her face as she looks at me and

she says, "Sir, that makes it worse." Okay, no, I was kind of playing with her. I'm a

psychologist, I do this sometimes. I knew that my credit was wacked, I had been

through some, well read my book, the first chapter of my book is lightning strikes,

it's about a time in my life when I went through some economic challenges that

left me in a position where I didn't qualify for the loan either. That was

kind of funny to me but I was ready for her and I presented a third option,

I pulled $3,000 out of my own pocket, I set it on the desk in front of her and

I said how about if I lend you the $3,000, you lend it to my son and then you let

me co-sign on the note? How would that work for it? She brightens up immediately

and she says, "Oh sir, we could give you really good rates on that." Thank you for

the good rates on my own money, right? It's called a secured loan, the bank is

not taking any risk at all, I'm assuming all of it but I had reasons for doing

that because I wanted to help myself and my son to build up some credit. So you

see where I was coming from on that, here's what I learned, you can get the

loan as soon as you prove that you don't need it. Is this true in the world of

finance? That matches my experience. You can get the loan as soon as you prove

that you don't need it. Now let's shift back to marriage for a minute. Can you

improve your marriage? Can you upgrade this thing? Can you make it better than

it is? Absolutely and you're most likely to improve your marriage as soon as you

realize you don't need to. Okay, now that's going to strike some of you

different than others. I had a couple on my couch here not too long ago, they're

telling me about their marriage and everything that's going wrong and how

terrible and awful it is and they had already talked to an attorney about

divorce. I mean, it was it was a mess, right? And I jumped in with one of my

psychologists questions and all of my questions are loaded by the way, so just

watch out if I ever ask you a question, and I said to them, "How's your marriage?"

She looks at me like I haven't been paying attention, "Doctor you listening to me?"

Do you remember I shared a model in another video, I shared this model.

In fact, you can link to that video, we'll put it in the description here. I shared

this model of evaluation and creation, what I'm talking about is two different

processes in the mind. We do evaluation of our current circumstances and then we

create what's coming. My whole point here is that you can make an upgrade to your

marriage and it best starts in evaluation mode by acknowledging that

your marriage is already good. It is good and I can share stories with people that

will help them to see that their marriage is good. I had for example, I had

a couple I was working with, I just realized they might be watching this

video, oh well, I'll tell anyway. It's confidential, I had a couple I was

working with where he had an affair, this happens, right? With her mother. I know,

don't think about that too much. How you feeling about your own marriage right

about now? Another one where she fired a 45 caliber handgun at him,

another one where he hired a hitman to kill her.

You can't shock me honestly. I've been in practice for 23 years, I've heard some of

the darkness crap you can imagine. How does your own marriage seem when you

compare it to those? See, it goes back to the model that we talked about with

evaluation and creation. You're always judging this thing, just notice that

you're judging it in a certain way. Why? Because that sets up the energy for what

we're going to do to improve it. Think about how you feel when your spouse is

constantly telling you how bad this is. How's your spouse likely to feel if

you're constantly telling your spouse how bad this is? What changes if we shift

that perception, that evaluation choice to how good this is?

And all the reasons that it is. So here's the first strategy that you can use to

improve your marriage and it ties right into this paradox, you realize and

acknowledge and catalog and document the ways that it is already good.

Full, rich, blessed, pick your adjective. Go there and here's how you

can do it, practice a simple gratitude exercise for each of the next five days,

come up with 25 things for which you are sincerely grateful and these can be

anything, they can be hot water, indoor plumbing, puppies and rainbows, anything

that you're grateful for, you can put it on the list.

Now half, at least half, that's 13 if you're doing the math, at least half of

your list every day is about your spouse or your marriage. Your spouse or your

marriage, you come up with things that you're sincerely grateful for.

Now if you're struggling in your marriage, it's because you're focusing on some

things that you're not happy about. I'm asking you to shift gears, to shift

direction, to steer this in a direction that allows you to see what's good

already. That will power up your mind for creating an upgrade. So the paradox is,

you can have the upgrade and you're more likely to have that upgrade as soon as

you realize you don't need it, that it is already good. Okay, so gratitude exercise,

five days, you come up with 25 things for which you're grateful, 12 of those

can be about anything in your life that's awesome,

the other 13 have to be about your spouse or your marriage and don't repeat

anything on tomorrow's list that's on today's list, this will immediately

improve your marriage and it's interesting that it didn't even change

anything, except your focus. You try that, that is a relationship saving activity,

give it a try. Okay, one more. For the same five days, you intentionally give a

social gift to your spouse on each of those five days, you intentionally give a

social gift to your spouse. Here's what I mean by social gifts. I'm referring to a

book by Dr. Anne Demory

and she is the one that identified these

four social gifts. So let's use Dr. Demory's four social gifts. You can pick any

one of these to give to your spouse every day, intentionally, for five days.

The first one is appreciation, this one shouldn't be too hard because you're

already doing the gratitude list. So from your gratitude list, you might choose the

one or more of the things that you're grateful for, related to your spouse or

your marriage and give that to your spouse as a social gift. It is simply

expressing appreciation and be specific. "Honey, thank you for.." whatever it is that

you picked from your list. "Sweetheart, I really appreciate that you.." give them

something from your list, it's a social gift. Okay, that's one, appreciation.

Two, connection. Connection is something that we have in common. With your spouse, you

can pick a common interest, for example, if you if you share a common interest,

the social gift for that day might be something like bringing home a favorite

meal from that restaurant that you both loved. It might be offering to share

a television program that you both enjoy. So that's the connection piece,

it's common ground. The third social gift is elevation.

Elevation is just what it sounds like, you know, an elevator lifts people so

this is something that's intended to lift the mood or the spirits of another

person. Elevation, sometimes it takes the form of humor, laughing, a smile could be

this social gift but I don't want you to get off easy, so don't just flash a quick

little smile. I mean a genuine, elevating smile or humor or fun,

that's elevation and then the fourth social gift is enlightenment.

Enlightenment is increasing their fund of knowledge or information. So you want

to tell them something or give them access to some information that they

didn't have before. It could be in the form of sharing this video with your

spouse, that would be enlightenment, it could be that you just

say, "Hey, did you know..." and then you give them some factoids you know,

something that you heard on the radio or in a podcast or something.

It's increasing their fund of information. Okay, so we've got four social gifts.

Appreciation, connection, elevation, and enlightenment. So each of those five days

that you're doing your gratitude list, also intentionally give one of those

social gifts on purpose to your spouse. How do you improve your marriage?

You can do that.

Paradox is that you're most likely to improve your marriage when you

realize you don't have to, that what you have is already good and rich and full

and amazing and awesome. Find the ways that it is and it immediately improves

for you, that also changes the energy for your spouse who is probably craving a

sense that you are pleased with them and with the situation. You know, I think the

most amazing feeling happens when another person says, "My life is better

because you're in it."

Let's see if we can give that kind of a social gift to our

spouse and then we can start to practice the things that will immediately improve

our relationship.

Will address some other topics and other videos too like

communication and how to work together and how to solve problems creatively,

there's all kinds of resources available. Let's start with this one where you get

to practice that gratitude and give some of those social gifts, let's see what

happens in just a few days.

So is your marriage better already?

I hope it is. Share this episode with someone that you think would benefit.

For more infomation >> How To Improve Your Marriage Relationship - Duration: 13:03.

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The 5 Goals, Part 1: Financial Freedom, Happy Relationship, Health, & Peace - Duration: 6:10.

So, the goal of today and tomorrow—

there are many

goals in life,

many people have different dreams in life.

After many years of teaching,

I feel like people have five…five main goals.

First one, I think we can say, financial freedom?

So I…I don't want a lot of money—

I'm very happy in the monastery; we don't own anything—

but I would like to have enough money

that I don't have to think about money,

and what I want to do, I can just do.

So I have a girlfriend— she's 87 years old—

and I take care of her, and

every time I travel, I have to buy something for her.

They know. They go with me to buy it, to pick it out.

We did pretty good last time. And so,

I would like to have enough money—I don't have to worry,

you know, "My credit card doesn't have enough money," or something.

I would like to have a nice small house to

meditate and do my things.

I tried a cave, okay? I've tried it.

What you don't read about in the Buddhist book is spiders!

You are meditating and then 100 spiders are crawling on you!

So, I decided a small house is better.

And I don't need three cars,

but I would like to have one car that works, and I don't have to

waste my time fixing it all the time, you know?

So that's financial freedom.

Everybody would like to have that.

It means you don't have to worry about money.

You just plant it.

You know, like I have watermelons in my garden.

I just plant them in the… in the spring.

Then I don't sit in my house and worry, you know.

I know they will grow.

I don't have to do anything.

I just relax.

I go out in the summer, and they're ready, and I eat them.

Money should be like that.

Then, second thing, you can have lots of money,

but if you're lonely, it's not fun.

It would be nice to have a beautiful partner

—that you get along with? Always?

You don't get bored of them;

you don't fight with them;

they are loyal to you.

Be nice to have like, perfect partner.

I think, everybody would like to have a nice partner.

I think it's one of the greatest happinesses in life.

Then if you have a nice partner, and you have lots of money,

but you're not healthy, that's a problem.

A lot of people, to get the money, they use up their health,

and they feel tired, old.

There's—something hurts in their body.

So I think the third goal—

that people would like to feel energy? Or young? Feel young?

And have good health.

It's fun to be healthy all the time,

and to have enough money to do what you want,

and to have a beautiful partner, and you don't feel lonely, okay?

Then—I'm gonna… Can you hold this? It's too hot.

I thought it was— Europe was—cool.

Then…

there are people who have those three things

but they're not happy.

Last—two weeks ago, in America—

maybe the most successful comedian,

he killed himself.

He didn't take pills; he hung himself, you know.

Then, he has everything,

but he's not happy, you know,

and you see that.

So I think all of us are attracted to this image of a

"Buddhist monk is meditating and very peaceful inside," you know.

And we would—

I don't think many of us would want to live

in a Buddhist monastery;

they're not fun place like you think, okay—

it's a lot of work—

but we would like to have that peace, you know,

that we imagine the Buddhist monks have.

So I think, that would be the fourth goal—in my mind:

"I would like to be successful on the outside;

"and inside, I would like to be a Buddhist monk—

even if I have a family."

You know, and…

and everyone thinks like that.

Then, I always tell people…

For more infomation >> The 5 Goals, Part 1: Financial Freedom, Happy Relationship, Health, & Peace - Duration: 6:10.

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Man Says His Girlfriend's Body Dysmorphia Is Undermining Their Relationship - Duration: 2:54.

For more infomation >> Man Says His Girlfriend's Body Dysmorphia Is Undermining Their Relationship - Duration: 2:54.

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Sue Perkins' partner Anna Richardson opens up on their relationship : Inside their romance - Duration: 2:14.

Sue Perkins' partner Anna Richardson opens up on their relationship following bad year: Inside their romance

ANNA Richardson recently opened up about the possibility of adoption. Sue Perkins and Anna Richardson have been together since 2013 [Wenn].

Sue Perkins partner Anna Richardson has presented a whole host of shows from Naked Attraction to Secret Eaters. The presenter also appeared on Loose Women recently, and opened up on mental health problems while discussing new website MindBox.

The pair have had a bad year, with Sues dad recently dying after being diagnosed with cancer, and Annas dad has been diagnosed with dementia, and suffered a stroke.

Anna Richardson has suffered anxiety in the past [Wenn]. The TV presenter started dating Sue Perkins, 47, in 2013. They got together at a fancy dress party in Devon, but had known each other for three years previously.

Its been a hard year for the pair, who arent married. Sues dad recently died after being diagnosed with cancer, and Annas dad has been diagnosed with dementia, and suffered a stroke. Sue Perkins dad sadly died recently [Getty].

Speaking to The Telegraph Anna explained: "We're quite a tough little unit. Sue has been absolutely incredible. She has been through a lot in the past year as well, so we've been able to really support each other..

Anna has spoken out about her hopes of adopting recently. Speaking on Loose Women she said: I am sad that as I am careering headlong into my fifties that I haven't had my babies..

She added: I can't speak for Sue but I am considering looking at adoption. Anna Richardson is the presenter of Naked Attraction, and previously hosted the Sex Education Show [Wenn/ Channel 4].

Anna was shocked to discover she was infertile while making 2008 Channel 4 show The Sex Education Show.

According to the Mail Online, speaking at Edinburgh TV festival she told an audience: I have a story about a show I did a few years ago called The Sex Education Show, which I loved but as a part of it my producer said to me, We want to do something about fertility, so would you be prepared to have your fertility tested?.

I thought, F*** it, Im in my 30s, Ive got tonnes of eggs, Im fine. And off we went to this fertility clinic.. Anna Richardson dated director Charles Martin for 18 years [Wenn/ ITV].

Anna was previously in a relationship with director Charles Martin for 18 years before they separated. Sue Perkins previously dated Rhona Cameron, who appeared on Im A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!.