Have you ever noticed that different phrases affect children in different
ways? Are there certain things that ought to be avoided when talking to children?
In this video, we're going to be going through four different things that ought
to be avoided when talking to your children.
Welcome back, my friend. How many children do you personally have? How many times
have you wondered "how can I become a better parent" and actually make up, have
a better influence on my children. During this video, we're going to give you four
things to never say to your children. Now of course, parenting can be kind of a
sensitive subject. No one ever wants to think that he or she is a bad parent and
so please know that this is not a current direct criticism to you. In a lot
of cases, I may not even know you and so, who am I to tell you if you are a good
or a bad parent? These are just four things that I have found that have been
good idea to avoid with our children and so let's get started. The first thing you
want to avoid are labels such as "you are bad" or "you are naughty" or "you are stupid"
or "you are fat" In the English language, we don't have a way to distinguish
between you are, as in, you are currently being and you are, meaning you actually
identify with this characteristic and so it can be really demeaning for a child
to grow up hearing that he or she is bad or lazy or fat or stupid or any one of
those things. As a child grows, especially when they're little, those types of
things actually get lodged inside their subconscious. There's a thing called the
Pygmalion effect, which is an old psychology term and basically it means
that we tend to live up to the labels that are placed on us. Now this is also
true with adults, for example, if we have supervisors that always tell us that
were horrible workers, we generally tend to become more horrible workers. If we
have supervisors that tell us that we are amazing, that we're valued and that
were fantastic workers, we generally end up living up to those positive labels
instead of saying you are this. If you want to correct a child's behavior, a
different idea could be simply saying "you are acting inappropriately"
or "the behavior that you are showing is not okay" or "what you are doing is not
very good" Doing this allows the child to separate that label from their actual
behavior because let's be honest, are they their behavior?
Of course not. There isn't a single child that I know of that has had totally
perfect behavior from the moment they came out of the womb until the day that
they died. Maybe there is, maybe it's your child, I don't know, maybe you're a
perfect parent. I certainly am not but again, I've never met a child like that
and something that we try to avoid doing is again, saying "you are this" If we need
to correct one of our children's behavior, well simply get down at their
level and we'll let them know that the behavior that they were pursuing was not
appropriate and then explain why. If we're going to use labels, we always use
positives, for example, we tell our daughter that she's beautiful and that
she's loved, that she's wonderful, we tell our sons that they're handsome, that
they're wonderful, that they're so well behaved and of course, we want them to
actually live up to those positive standards. Number two,
I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents dashed the dreams of their
children without even realizing it. Children of course are dreamers and
they love to fantasize about achieving amazing things in life. For example, some
children really love basketball and so maybe they'll watch their favorite
basketball players on TV and they'll say, "I'm going to be just like that person. I'm
going to go to the NBA and I'm going to become the most amazing basketball
player there has ever lived." And what do a lot of parents do? They say, "Well don't
get your hopes up kid." And for whatever reason, they feel like being realistic is
a better way to parent to that child rather than actually encouraging their
dreams. My friend, way too many people have their dreams dashed as children and
so they grow up thinking, "Well I guess it isn't actually possible for me to go for
what I really want, so let's settle for something mediocre." My friend, encourage
your children, allow them to dream and say, "That sounds like an amazing dream. I
really really will support you, I hope you get it. I know that you can, you can
do absolutely anything that you desire." Number three, asking negative questions.
I've heard myself do this a few times as well as other people in my family and
it's not exactly the best thing to do. A lot of times, we will see of one of
our children performing some not very good behavior and we'll ask him negative
questions like, "Why are you so poorly behaved?" or "Why would you go and hit your
brother all the time?" or "Why do you always hit your head?" The only problem
with that is, whatever a person is asked a certain question, especially if it's
put in the form of a why question, their subconscious goes to work looking for
the answer. For example, if a person asks him or herself "why am I so stupid?" The
brain goes to work looking for reasons why that person is stupid and children
of course are no different. If we're asking them negative why questions, that
will continue to form in their brain of why, they will continue to do whatever
behavior that you're not wanting them to do. Turning it around into the positive
can have such a huge effect. For example, when my children are misbehaving,
sometimes I'll look at them and I'll say "Why are you so amazing?" and it'll kind of
look at me like, "Huh?" and they'll begin to actually change their behavior and I
want to live up to that positive label of being amazing. I love to praise my
children and I love to ask them "Why are you so beautiful? Why are you so handsome?
Why are you so well-behaved? Why are you so smart? Why are you so incredible?"
Because again, I understand the principle that when I ask him these questions, that
their brains will go to work looking for the answer. Be very careful what type of
questions you were asking your children because it just may have a huge profound
effect on how they turn out. Finally, avoid limiting cliches. Now what do I
mean by limiting cliches, how many times when you were growing up did you hear
certain things like "well money doesn't grow on trees" or "money can't buy
happiness" or "don't go after your dreams" or "we can't afford it" or ridiculous
things like that? My friend, please eliminate those ridiculous cliches from
your vocabulary, they really do nothing positive. Replace those with positive
beliefs. For example, if for whatever reason your
child is asking you for something that at that moment you don't have the money
for, rather than simply saying something like "You know what, we can't afford it" or
"You know what, money isn't easy to come by"
Replace it with something like, "Oh that's a great idea, let's figure out a way that
we can actually create the funds to purchase that." Notice the difference
between that and "well no, we can't afford it" and totally slamming that child's
hopes. It makes a huge difference, my friend. And so what are the four things?
Avoid labels, avoid dashing their dreams, avoid negative questions, and avoid
limiting cliches. Turning these things around into the positive can have such a
huge impact on the happiness of not only you, but also your children. Put these
things into practice, my friend, and watch how much easier parenting becomes.
Thank you so very much for watching our video, my friend, as always, please make sure to
leave us a comment below and give us a thumbs up. If you're watching this on
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and perhaps tagging other people that you know would benefit from this video
and as always, we would love to see you at one of our live events.
See you there.
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