News on Youtube Mar 31 2018

Hi there, it's Clay and this is the Relationship Inner Game Experience brought to you by ModernLove.life.

Now this is actually the second episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience.

As you may recall, if you watched last week, last week was a little bit of an experiment

and I'm glad to say that a lot of people in the Modern Love Association, in our little

online community for our students, have really appreciated this little show, this experience,

this podcast, this webcast is whatever you want to call it.

And so we've decided to go ahead and move forward with it at least for the next couple

of weeks to get a little bit more of an understanding about maybe what people think about it, what

they like, what they don't like, and all of that stuff.

So we're going to go ahead and continue again this week.

I've got my cup of tea here.

I've got my computer to answer some of your questions, but before we go ahead and get

in to all of that, I want to first talk about one of the most important things that I could

really talk about, you know, since we've kind of rebooted the podcast and since this is

just the second episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience, I want to talk about

what is perhaps the most important thing in the whole process of finding love and that

is the big picture, OK?

Because you see, oftentimes people won't write into me and they'll ask, you know, hey, I'm

in some sort of situation, how do I make this person commit to me?

How do I get this person to love me?

Or something along those lines.

And that really isn't the first thing that you should be asking yourself when it comes

to trying to find a relationship.

Now, what do I mean by all of this?

What I mean is that, when it comes to finding a relationship, when it comes to finding love,

you don't just fumble around blindly and then find somebody that you think is attractive

and then try to make things work.

You have to have something a little bit more concrete underlying that entire foundation

specifically.

You need to know exactly what it is you're looking for in a partner and in a relationship.

Now you don't really necessarily need to do all of this stuff if you're very young and

you don't have a whole lot of relationship experience and you know, you just want to

date around and see what's out there and stuff, you know, If you are very young, then you

know, sure.

Just go ahead and date around and learn a little bit about what you like and what you

don't like.

That's absolutely fine.

But if you are actually wanting a committed relationship where maybe you might be together

for the long term or even get married or start a family together or something like that,

then you really need to stop and think about what you actually want in a relationship and

more importantly, what you don't want in a relationship or a partner as well too.

So few people actually do this.

Instead, they just kind of go with, you know, whatever.

And then they find somebody attractive and then they hope that there's chemistry or a

connection between the two of them.

And then they hope that that's enough to make the relationship work.

But it's really not.

You know, if it's really important for you to be in a relationship with somebody who,

for example, has a main value of adventure, then you really need to make sure that you

have some sort of a set of procedure in place for making sure that you find somebody who

is adventurous, who will be able to go with you on the journey of life and have that adventurous

experience.

And more importantly, you also need to know how that person perceives adventure.

So for example, you know, your idea of being adventurous might be taking a year off to

travel around the world and see everything, which is great.

I have done that before in my life and it was a great experience.

But if you are with somebody who is also adventurous, but maybe their idea of adventurous is to,

you know, try the new Thai restaurant down the street, then there's going to be a little

bit of friction, a little bit of conflict between the two of you.

So it's important that you have a good sense about who you're looking for and what sorts

of qualities you're not looking for, you know, just in the same way that you might want to

be with somebody who's adventurous.

You also might not want to be with somebody who is emotionally unavailable, for example,

or somebody who cheats or you know, something like that.

Right?

And so it's really important to know this stuff because you know, let's say for example,

you didn't want to be with somebody who cheats, but you just went along with the usual method

that most people do when it comes to dating and relationships.

You just fumble along and you find somebody and you have good chemistry.

Then suddenly you find out that person is a cheater and you're like, OK, well how do

I make the relationship work?

And that's kind of a moot point because it doesn't matter if the relationship works or

not.

Because even if the relationship works, even if the two of you get together, get married,

form the most wonderful, whatever, you're still going to be in a relationship with a

cheater and you're going to have to live with the consequences of that.

Or you're still going to be in a relationship with somebody who is emotionally unavailable.

Or you're still going to be in a relationship with somebody who thinks their idea of adventure

is to try the new Thai restaurant down the street, when really you just want to take

a year off and travel the world, so it's really important that you take the time to actually

think about what it is that you want, what it is that you don't want in a partner, in

a relationship, in a, you know, union of sorts.

And this is of course very important for you to think about if you are at all interested

in a committed relationship.

If you're just wanting to date around, sleep around or something, that's absolutely fine.

You don't need to think about this stuff as hard.

And, of course, if you're very young and you just need to get a little bit of experience,

that's fine too.

You should be out there getting experience to actually find out what it is that you like

and what it is that you don't like.

Then of course, once you find somebody who does meet your requirements for a partner,

well first of all, before you get anywhere near that, you need to be willing to accept

people as they are.

So maybe you go out, you meet somebody and you think, oh, this person seems pretty close,

but if only they would change this little thing and only they would change that little

thing, then they would be perfect.

You do not want to pursue this kind of relationship or this kind of partner because you are going

to be trying to change them, which is probably the least loving thing you could ever do is

to, is to try to make somebody be something other than what they are or what they want

to be in order to please you.

Um, and so what you want to do is you want to be willing to accept somebody 100 percent

as they are, as they are right now.

You don't want to be betting on potential.

You don't want to be betting on someday they might finally stop cheating on me or something

like that because you know, sure, yes, people do change.

Yes, people can change.

People change all the time.

But what if your little cheater over there didn't want to change for five years, 10 years,

20 years.

Would you be willing to wait twenty years for them to finally have this realization

that, oh, hey, it's kind of a dick move to be cheating on people.

Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore, right?

Um, you can't do that.

You have to accept them as they are, and if you can't accept them as they are, and if

you can't be in a great relationship with them as they are right now, then you need

to let that person go so that you can create space in your life to welcome somebody who

is going to be loyal and faithful to you, who is going to be emotionally available to

you, who is going to want to travel the world for a year together with you, who is going

to whatever your list of wants and desires and needs might be.

So this is very important.

Now, let's say you met somebody and they fit all of your requirements and all that stuff

and everything is looking great.

This is where the emotional connection really comes into play.

This is where what we call Advanced Relational Skills come into play because yeah, you know,

you might meet the right person for you, but maybe you just don't have the interpersonal

skills, the communication skills or whatever to be able to talk to that person, to be able

to engage that person, to be able to convince that person to go out on a date with you or

to spend time with you or to spend a lifetime together with you.

Um, and that's where the quality of the emotional connection really comes into play.

You want to focus on the quality of the emotional connection again, after you have already determined

that this is the right person for you to be in a relationship with and after you have

completely accepted this person as they are right now in this moment.

That's when you want to focus on the quality of the emotional connection that the two of

you have.

So this is where Advanced Relational Skills come into play.

This is where things like present moment awareness, or empathy, or curiosity, or composure, or

conversational skills come into play.

Things that we teach in our programs.

And this is where you really build up those positive interactions.

And again, there's countless things that you could be paying attention to, right?

You could be paying attention to who is initiating first, who is texting first, how long it takes

them to text you back, whether or not they "like" your posts on Facebook, whether or

not they follow you on Instagram, whether or not they do any of these other things,

right?

You could micro-analyze all of these sorts of things, but ultimately, these are not important.

Ultimately, the most important thing for you to focus on is the quality of the emotional

connection.

That is why we are really focusing on that.

You know, if you're focusing on all these other things, it's probably because you didn't

do a good job screening them first and making sure that they meet your requirements for

a partner or relationship.

So definitely make sure that you do that.

And then once they are, you know, golden with your set of requirements, that is when you

focus on the emotional connection and only the emotional connection.

If you are focusing on anything else, you are actually being distracted by things that

quite frankly just don't matter.

OK, and so that is the most important thing.

After you make sure that the person actually meets your requirements for a partner, and

then, of course, once the two of you start to come together into a relationship, your

job at that point is to get 100 percent committed to that relationship.

Be all the way in that relationship.

There are so many relationship problems that happen because somebody is maybe one foot

in the relationship, one foot out of the relationship and they're just kind of wishy washy.

They're just kind of like, well, we'll see if if you do this for me, then I'm willing

to commit 100 percent.

If you do that for me, then I'm willing to give you everything.

Right?

But if you really want to know if a relationship is going to work or not, you really need to

be all the way in.

You have to be 100 percent in the relationship.

Otherwise you're never going to know if it's gonna work or not.

So don't do this kind of like half-in-half-out kind of thing.

That's really mostly a fear that people have when it comes to relationships because oftentimes

people are afraid to commit, um, because they don't know how to get out of a relationship

and you know, I'm sure you've heard all these weird, terrible stories or somebody breaks

up with somebody else via text message or somebody, you know, does something stupid

like that, right?

And, um, that's not how you want to go about doing it.

And that's really the coward's way out because most likely that person just didn't know how

to end a relationship in a healthy way.

And so you want to be very confident in your ability to end things, to be able to walk

away, to be able to wrap things up a because if you don't know how to get out, you're gonna

have a lot of fear and hesitation when it comes to getting in.

So again, that's kind of the big picture when it comes to all of this stuff.

If you are having a dating or relationship problem somewhere in the spectrum, it's probably

due to one of those things.

Is this the right person for you to be dating?

You know, have you actually stopped and looked and accepted them as the person that they

are?

Can you accept them the way that they are?

Do they have the qualities that you're looking for?

Do they not have the qualities that you're not looking for, right?

After that, do you have the ability to form a meaningful, strong emotional connection

with that person?

If not, what can you do to improve that and once you actually start to form that connection

and commitment starts to come together in the form of a relationship, a marriage, or

whatever it might be, then are you willing to be 100 percent in that relationship?

Is there a part of you that's still kind of edging towards the escape exit, or wondering

what your Plan B is, or afraid to commit for some reason or another?

Because, if you're not ready to do whatever it takes to get out, if things don't work

out, then you're going to be afraid to get all the way in the relationship.

So again, that's the big picture when it comes to all this relationship stuff, that's the

big picture when it comes to dating and before you, you know, send in some sort of message

like, hey Clay, you know, So-and-So won't return my text message, what should I do.

Then you need to first go through this whole process.

Are they the right person for you?

Are you actually connecting with them on a deep emotional level?

Are you 100 percent in?

And if you're not, then that's what you need to go first before you start over analyzing

Facebook activity, text message, activity, or you know, whatever it might be.

So that's really what I wanted to share with you today.

And with that being said, again, we have our cup of tea and we have our computer here.

So let's go ahead and answer some questions that some people have this week.

OK, our first question this week is from Jay.

Now Jay writes in and says, "Why sometimes connection and attraction isn't enough for

some of us.

All of these things are there, but still the person decides not to be in a relationship

with one.

This feeling itself hurts a lot because it seems as if one is really not enough, no matter

what one does or doesn't do."

So when it comes to situations like this, as I mentioned in the opening part of this

webcast, There are certain things that certain people want or don't want in a relationship

or a partner, right?

Um, and you know, not everybody goes through the process of actually thinking about what

it is that they really want, what it is that they don't want and all that stuff.

But you know, people oftentimes have some inkling of what they want or don't want in

a partner or relationship.

So for example, like maybe some people just don't want to do a long distance relationship.

Maybe they've tried it in the past and it was just really difficult.

And so they've just sworn off long distance relationships for, you know, any, any number

of reasons.

Right?

And they're just closed off to that.

It doesn't matter if you're the best person in the world, they're just going to be closed

off to that idea because on some level they've already made the decision, nope, I am not

going to do a long distance relationship or, nope, I'm not going to be with a cheater,

you know, once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don't personally believe that, but you know, oftentimes people do believe that saying,

and they might think that you know, because you've cheated on them once or something like

that, that you will always cheat on them forever.

They need to just cut you out of their life because you will always be a cheater and it

doesn't matter what you do, doesn't matter any of this other stuff because they have

this strongly felt conviction.

Um, and this is kind of like them going through their own list of requirements and them basically

disqualifying you for any number of reasons, right?

It could be because of a long distance situation, it could be because maybe you cheated on them.

It could be because of something that you said.

It could be because of something that you did, it could be any number of other things

like that.

And so in situations like this, if a person already has a deeply felt conviction one way

or another, it's going to, it's not really going to matter if you establish a strong

level of connection with them or try every attraction trick in the book or anything like

that.

Because, if they just have decided that, you know, some quality of yours, some characteristic

of yours, some whatever of yours just isn't what they want to be in a relationship with

them.

There really isn't anything that you can do.

Now.

Again, like what I talked about in, uh, the, the final episode of Love Talk FM, it was

that you really can't control what somebody is going to do or say or anything like that.

You can influence it by how you bring yourself to the interaction by all of that stuff.

But you really can't control what somebody is going to do.

And if somebody is just convinced that they never want to be in a long distance relationship,

then they are just not going to go for it.

They're just going to be closed off to that.

So, you know, if all you can offer them is a long distance relationship, then they might

say, oh, well, you know, it was really nice meeting you, we have a really strong connection,

but I'm just not interested in a long distance relationship.

Best of luck to you.

Maybe things might work out in a couple of years if you ever decided to move over here,

I ever decide to move over there or whatever.

But, again, you can't control what that person is going to say.

You can influence it.

You can say, well, you know, what, if I came over once in a, a once a month or something

like that, and you know, sure, you might be able to work things out that way.

But ultimately, if they are just not interested in a long distance relationship, but there

is no wiggle room in their set of requirements for a partner or relationship or anything

like that for a long distance relationship to exist, then they are just not going to

be down for it.

OK.

And again, the whole long distance thing, that's just an example.

This could apply to any number of other outcomes or circumstances, OK?

So, for example, for me when I realized that I had a certain type of woman let's just say

that I was a sort of instinctively attracted to, after things really fell apart with me

and my ex, when I was around like 23 or 24, I made a conscious decision not to get anywhere

near people that had that kind of personality trait.

Somebody who plays the victim in life, somebody who is constantly depressed, somebody who

looks to their partner as their emotional prop to be the source of all of their emotional

well-being or something like that.

And, and that was something that was really important for me when it came to going out

there and dating and, you know, whenever I sense that somebody was like, that, I just

knew that that wouldn't be a good thing for me to get into.

Sure.

Maybe I was instinctively attracted to that kind of person.

Sure.

Maybe that was a dynamic that felt easy and comfortable for me, but I knew from my experiences

with my ex, and my experience shortly after the breakup that we had, with some other people

that was really not the right dynamic for me when it came to being in a relationship.

So what I actually did was I kind of made this list of things that I was instinctively

attracted to and then things that I really wanted out of a relationship.

And once I stopped paying attention to the stuff that I was instinctively attracted to,

that is when I actually start to have a whole lot better results when it came to dating

and relationships.

And within a short period of time, I actually met a woman that would go on to become my

wife and I'm, I'm very happy to say that she is not anything like the type of woman that

I would have normally been instinctively attracted to and I was able to avoid kind of having

a repeat of the same relationship that I had with my ex, but you know, just with a different

person in a different bag of skin, basically.

So, um, you know if your ex or if your partner or if the person that you're dating just has

some sort of deeply held conviction about, you know, any number of things and maybe you

don't even know what this thing or things might be that they just might not even give

you a chance.

Right?

And, and there's nothing you can really say or do about it now.

Sure.

You know, maybe if you really work on those Advanced Relational Skills, you can influence

them to give you another chance.

If there is some wiggle room there.

But if there's no wiggle room there, and if that person is just very deeply convicted

to whatever their belief is, whatever their limitation is, whatever their boundary is,

then there's really nothing that you can do to get past that and the best thing for you

to do and that sort of circumstance, is to let go of that person and create the space

in your life for you to welcome somebody who you know is willing to accept you for the

person or circumstances that you live in or a characteristics that you have and so on

and so forth.

So Jay, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward

from here.

OK, and our next question is from Vixen on "When is it enough?"

Vixen writes in and says, Hi, Clay and Mika.

I had a question regarding what do you think are guidelines or items, instances that can

let us know that we should keep going or not with trying to get our ex back?

It can be an exhausting process and really quite difficult for some.

Some are tired of trying so hard and think that they deserve better.

You say a lot about it only being over if you actually give up, which is true.

You only actually have zero chance of getting back together with your ex or making something

work if you actually give up.

But then Vixen continues by saying, so I just wanted to know your thoughts on when you think

is the right time to stop things, not actively pursued the person anymore and to try to find

new love.

I know from your story with your ex that you had personally to make that choice as well.

Thanks.

OK, Vixen.

So when it comes to all of this, first of all like I said, you can give up anytime you

want to.

If you just don't want to work things out with somebody you can let go.

You can stop trying.

You can decide to drop that and go find another way to, to get things to work out.

But if you want things to work with your ex, if you want that relationship to work, if

you want to save that relationship, if you want to get back together, then, what you

want to do is you want to get all the way in, right?

Like I was saying in the beginning part of this show, you want to get all the way in

and give it a hundred percent right?

If you're halfway-in-halfway-out trying to calculate what the chances are, what the odds

are, if luck is in your favor, or fate is in your favor.

If the odds are ever in your favor or anything like that, then you are going to be really

half-hearted about things and you're going to be basically looking for an excuse to fail.

Looking for an excuse to not have things work out.

And again, if you don't want to get back together, if you don't want to save that relationship,

that's totally fine.

You don't have to, right?

There's nothing wrong with just picking yourself up after a breakup and saying, OK, that sucked.

Let me go find a different person to date, a different person to be in a relationship

with, right?

But if you want to get back together, if you want to reverse that breakup, then what you

need to do is you need to give it full, hundred percent of what you've got for a period of

time, right?

And again, it's not like, it's not like this is the last choice you'll ever make.

It's not like you're just going to say, yes, I'm going to give it everything I've got and

then you're just going to keep giving it everything you've got for years and years and years and

years and decades and decades and decades.

And then you're going to look up one day and you're going to be like, you know, eighty

years old.

And you're going to say like, how do I stop trying to get my...

That's not going to happen.

At any point in time, you can make a decision to not want to get back together with your

ex anymore.

That's absolutely fine.

And, ultimately that choice is up to you.

Ultimately the choice of whether or not you want to continue to make things work out is

up to you.

Ultimately, if you decide to stop trying to save things with your ex, then that's a choice

that's yours as well too.

But, um, me personally, as somebody who wants to see you succeed in love and wants to see

you find love, what I would do is I would look and say, OK, if it's been at least three

months, three to six months maybe, and you have seen zero progress with your ex during

that period of time, then I would personally, as somebody who wants to see you find love,

I would step in and say, hey, you know, is this still something that you want to do?

And if you say yes, then that's fine.

You can keep going.

If you say no, then OK, that's cool too.

But, you know, it's just me doing a check in with you.

And by zero progress, I mean that, I mean zero progress, OK?

Not that it's slower than you would like, not that it, uh, you know, it'd be nice if,

if you were already back together at this point or anything like that, but if you've

seen zero progress because you know, when it comes to saving a relationship, it will

take some time and we'll take some time to build trust, rebuild trust, rebuild connection

to get the other person to actually put their faith into you and say, OK, yeah, this isn't

the same relationship that I walked out of in the first place, and that is going to take

some time.

But if you're not seeing any progress, any progress at all over a period of, you know,

a couple of months, then that would really make me stop and wonder.

That would really make me stop and wonder if this person is really open to being in

a relationship with me right now.

If it's really possible for me to get back together with this person right now.

And again, there you gotta drop this black-and-white thinking, right?

Because even if it isn't possible for that person to get back together with you right

now because maybe they just have too much pain or too much hurt or they're just, you

know, resistance to working things out with you because like we were talking about with

Jay before, maybe you would be in a long distance relationship if you were to get back together

or something like that.

It doesn't mean that it's always going to be that way.

Things could be different in a couple of months or a year or something like that, right?

So just another example, you know, for me, when I broke up with my ex, we didn't talk

for I think probably about a year or two years or something like that.

And that was fine.

You know, we just weren't in a good place to talk.

We...

I didn't want to talk to her.

She didn't really seem to want to talk to me except for one time when she called me

to sort of dump on me and tell me about how much I suck as a person to my voicemail and

all that.

But that's a whole other story.

And then several months down the road, I ways just in a place where I had moved to a new

city, I was going to graduate school and all that stuff.

And I was just going through a period my life where I just wanted to get right with all

the people that I wasn't right with, emotionally and, you know, she was on the list because

of some leftover baggage from how we broke up and all that stuff.

And so (this is going to date me), but, you know, I got onto MySpace back then and I looked

her up and I sent her a message just basically saying something along the lines of, hey,

I just really wanted to apologize for how things ended with us.

Looking back, I understand why you were upset with me and I should've been more present

with you.

I should've been more understanding of you and all this other stuff.

And I sent it off to her and she actually wrote back to me.

She basically said, wow, this is what I've been waiting to hear all this time is what

I wanted to hear all this time.

And then we'll just kind of swapped some messages back and forth for a couple weeks.

But, you know, by that point she was kind of in a relationship with somebody else, actually

engaged to be married to that person.

And, it was just kind of weird for me because I didn't want to be like the guy who stepped

in and broke up somebody's wedding or anything like that.

So, that's when I kind of just bowed out of the whole thing because it was a little bit

too weird for me.

But again, there is no black-and-white to all of this.

Just because somebody doesn't want to get back together with you right now.

It doesn't mean that it's always going to be that way, right?

Just like, how, just because my ex didn't want to talk to me at that time, it didn't

mean that she was always going to be closed off to me.

In fact, it was kind of getting kind of hot and flirty towards the end before I had to

kind of set my own boundaries and say, OK, we're just going to stop talking now because

I don't want to be that guy that breaks up a marriage or something like that.

So just because something is a certain way right now, it doesn't mean it's always going

to be that way.

Like we talk about inside the Ex Solution Program, your ex has a certain emotional resistance

towards getting back together with you or possibly even interacting with you at all.

And this emotional resistance can be overcome by two factors.

One of those is how you bring yourself to the relationship, right?

This is where the Advanced Relational Skills come into play.

This is where the quality of your emotional connections come into play, right?

If you obviously are doing something that's going to make you have a poor emotional connection,

like begging and pleading, writing them a letter, dissing their rebound that they're

dating right now, or anything like that, that is going to cause them to pull back to, elevate

their walls and to not want to interact with you, right?

Obviously.

Whereas if you do something that's more likely to help them open up and interact with you,

such as take a genuine interest in their experience, asking them the, the "magic questions," all

of that stuff, they're more likely to actually open up to you and to interact with you and

all of that stuff.

But even if that doesn't work, that could be because a period of time just needs to

pass so that your ex can go through their own period of growth, their own period of

discovery to really start to let go of some of these negative feelings that they're holding

onto.

And oftentimes that can happen over a period of time.

If enough time passes, they might start to let go of some of that bitterness or that

resentment.

Now this isn't necessarily always true and sometimes time won't fix things, but if you

just bring yourself to the interaction in the right way, it can cause people to let

go of bitterness and stuff that maybe they're even holding onto despite time.

So there's really these two different factors of time and also the way that you bring yourself

to the interactions.

And when it comes to time, I mean really all you can do is wait.

But when it comes to how you bring yourself to the interactions, you absolutely have control

over that.

You absolutely have control over that.

And that's where the Advanced Relational Skills really start to shine.

But there is no real time limit, so to speak there.

There's really only a matter of whether or not you are actively interested in continuing

with this endeavor or not.

However, again, I would personally as a friend, not as some sort of person saying there's

a hard and fast rule that it is completely hopeless after three months.

No, it's not in any way whatsoever.

I know way better than that after helping people, countless people.

Over the years, I've seen so many people come back from things that, I probably would've

thought would've been hopeless situations.

I know better than to write anybody off, but, just as somebody who cares about you, I would

step in and say, hey, it's been three months.

Is this still something you want to do?

And if you say yes, cool, if you say no, that's cool too, but I just want to check in with

you.

And of course, if at any point you realize that that person just isn't meeting the qualities

that you're looking for in a partner, right?

So for example, if that person just isn't texting you back, no matter what, you have

to accept that there is a person that just isn't texting you back.

You have to be emotionally OK with that and not try to change them.

Like what I was talking about at the beginning of this recording, and based off of that,

you have to say, OK, would I want to continue to try to have a relationship with somebody

who doesn't text me back?

Is that something that I'm willing to put up with?

And if it is, then hey, that's fine, keep going, but if it's not, then you need to let

go of that person in order to create the space for somebody who is going to text you back,

assuming that's something that is incredibly important to you.

So anyway, I hope this helps you out, Vixen, and please keep us updated on how things go

moving forward from here.

All right, so those have been our questions for this week.

Again, thank you so much for everybody in the Modern Love for submitting your questions.

If you do have a question for next week, please go ahead and submit that again inside the

Modern Love Association.

And if you enjoyed this Relationship, Inner Game Experience, webcast, podcast, whatever

you want to call it, please feel free to subscribe to us on YouTube.

Give us a "thumbs up," leave a great comment down below.

It helps us out in some way that I don't fully understand on a technical level, but please

do that.

And if you're listening to the iTunes podcast version, audio-only version of this, please

also subscribe to us and leave us a positive, preferably, ideally five-star review over

on iTunes.

It does help other people find us, so definitely do that.

If that's something that you would like to do.

And once again, this has been Clay with ModernLove.life.

This has been the Relationship Inner Game Experience.

And I'll talk to you next time.

For more infomation >> [RIG Ep 002] Finding Love | Relationship Advice | Dating Advice - Duration: 33:32.

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The 10 Biggest Relationship Mistakes You Can Make - Duration: 5:37.

For more infomation >> The 10 Biggest Relationship Mistakes You Can Make - Duration: 5:37.

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Mimi Onuoha on How the Arts Help Us Understand Our Relationship With Technology - Duration: 1:50.

Hi my name is Mimi Onuoha.

I'm an artist and researcher.

I'm based in Brooklyn.

Most of my work has to do with missing data, and the data that goes into these algorithmic

and artificial intelligence systems.

I think if we ever want artificial intelligence to go down a more inclusive path then we have

to make sure the public is more involved in decisions and conversations that we have about

it.

And so a lot of the art that I create is about translating these concepts into things that

the public can respond to.

For example, one of the main projects I work on is around missing datasets.

And it's about all of the data that isn't being collected.

And so what I do is I look at the patterns behind why certain things aren't collected

and talk about what it means that we live in a society where the systems that we're

creating are based on data, but we can't ever collect everything that we need.

I think that the only way that we can engage more people is if we focus equally on translating

and communicating these issues — put as much focus on that as we put on actually talking

about them within our more academic, legal, policy based communities.

I think art is important because it has the ability to change the narrative and shift

the framework of the way that we actually think about these things.

It allows us to imagine different possibilities and different futures for how we can be using

these technologies, instead of getting caught up in this trap of constantly responding to

the harms that we see.

Going forward we need more funding for artists and other people who are doing this kind of

work.

Especially, there are a lot of creative people who are working with code and working with

machine learning, and know the language and know the tools, but there's not very much

incentive for them to stay and create this kind of work, and instead there's so much

more incentive for them to go into working for these corporations and actually helping

reinforce the systems that we might be against.

So I think we need more funding, we need more incentives for people to keep on creating

this sort of work.

For more infomation >> Mimi Onuoha on How the Arts Help Us Understand Our Relationship With Technology - Duration: 1:50.

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Choose A Card To Reveal Your Current Relationship Path And Future Love Life - Duration: 4:44.

Whether or not you are someone who believes in psychics, horoscopes, or even Nostradamus'

predictions for the future, this fun test is a great way to reveal a little more about

your love life.

Just take a look at the four cards below.

Which one calls to you?

Try not to over think it.

Just go with your gut reaction.

Once you've chosen a card, keep reading to find out what your card reveals about you

and your romantic endeavors!

SEVEN OF CUPS When this card appears in your reading you

have to be ready to defend yourself.

You have to be on your guard as the expectation of trouble is coming your way.

If troubles are coming from your past, you must think really clear and hold your ground,

even if you are tired and weary.

Deal with it once and for all.

The Seven of Cups card talks of perseverance, trying repeatedly and refusing to take "no"

for an answer.

You have to continue despite fatigue, slow stamina, toughness and strength.

If you are single, the appearance of Seven of Cups in a reading might suggest that you

are careful with relationships because you might have been hurt in the past.

Try and analyze the things that went wrong and see where there is room for change.

Now is the time to get yourself whole emotionally.

When in a relationship, the apparition of this card may suggest that you have to be

on guard because you might get hurt.

Another meaning might be that a partner is very protective and you might feel suffocated.

Tell him/her you need a little breathing space.

THE TWO OF PENTACLES The Two of Pentacles is likely to appear when

temptation has wormed its way into your life.

This card presents to us seven golden chalices each overflowing with a different object.

The picture is quite serene and reflects the only outcome is either one of two options.

You may feel as if you have too many options to explore and it leaves you feeling defeated,

but this is not the case.

The Two of Pentacles is pointing out this flaw in your plan and is here to help encourage

prioritization.

In a relationship-oriented spread, the Two of Pentacles spells trouble.

If you're already attached, it means that you can expect some bumps in the road.

At this time, it's important for you to evaluate your relationship objectively.

Are you being completely honest with your partner about your intentions?

If you are looking for love, this means that your romantic pursuits may not be what they

seem.

If you are unsure about someone, do not jump into a relationship with them.

This card is very likely to come up if your potential partner is not being honest about

their emotional availability.

THE TOWER The tower is all about your ability to assert

yourself in a diplomatic and constructive way.

It is also about your own personal growth and coming into your own by taking the reins

and directing yourself down your path without stepping on the toes of others.

It is a very powerful card and is generally a good omen in your readings.

If you're already attached,

Tower in a love oriented reading is a sign that your relationship has stability and room

for both parties to grow together in a healthy way.

For those looking for love, this is a good sign that it's right around the corner,

so long as you're putting yourself out into the dating pool.

Right now is the best time to let your confidence shine through and meet the person of your

dreams.

ACE OF SWORDS The Ace of Swords is a card all about making

steady progress in your life.

It does not promise instant results, but it does bring it with happy endings for those

who are steady on their paths.

When the Ace of Swords appears in your relationship spread, it means that you're in a good position

to grow with your partner.

It's possible that you are on the verge of starting something new or learning something

new about your partner.

Be open and honest about your expectations of the relationship and do not be afraid to

voice any concerns you have about the future.

Now is the best time to figure out if you and your partner are on the same page, or

if you want different things out of life.