What's up everyone?
Welcome back to Ask Dan Anything I'm Dan Munro, confidence coach and co-founder of BROJO and
today I'm going to be answering a question from the audience so to speak.
So I got an email from a young woman who's just lost her virginity to a guy and they
don't have any sort of established label on their relationship and she wants to know what
I think she should do about her current dilemma.
So I'm going to read out the question and I'm gonna go through my answer and we'll see
what everyone thinks of this.
So she says "I need advice, I don't know where this guy that I'm dealing with head is at"
t(hey're both under 20) "So I've known this guy for two months now.
He's taken me on several dates.
We don't have a title yet but we ended up having sex" (I'm gonna skip the next bit because
it shows some specific details that might give away who these people are).
But anyway, the sex went well but because he's shy and he knows that he took her virginity,
she feels that he doesn't know how to talk to her now, he doesn't know how to how to
come at her.
She wants to have sex with him again.
She also wouldn't mind pursuing an emotional connection with him, but because they don't
have a title, they don't have an official relationship she doesn't feel like she has
the right to kind of push him or challenge him about this.
She's saying "We could pursue an emotional connection but is it too late because we've
had sex now?"
So basically this guy's kind of gone a bit cold and weird it sounds like, since you guys
had sex, and you'd like to see him again but because you're not officially boyfriend and
girlfriend you don't feel like you can have the right to ask for what you want.
That's what I'll be addressing today.
So there's a couple of things to look at there.
Before I go into that, just to remind you that for those of you watching this, if you
want to get lots of confidence building videos and you want to develop your social skill
mastery, make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel.
You'll be able to do it below or you can click the BROJO logo that comes up at the end of
the video.
So we've got a few things going on in this question that I want to try and see if I can
apply to people generally as well as answer the specific person who wrote this in.
First and foremost, we'll get one option out of the way which is the "tap and gap" kind
of guy.
So for girls out there who have had sex with a guy and he suddenly sort of goes cold and
disappears, there's a hook-up culture type thing (this isn't what's happening in this
situation I'm sure) but if it was what I suggest is that this is actually about a preventative
measure.
If you're worried about guys just kind of using you for sex and then moving on - just
notching up the bedpost sort of thing - just hold out for a couple of dates, that's all
it takes to get rid of the old tire kickers you know.
And avoid online dating apps like Tinder and all these like quick-hookup apps.
Go meet people in real life, through your hobbies, through your circle of friends - it'll
be much less likely that you'll come across the kind of more predatory guys.
So let's get that out of the way coz that's not what this situation is.
Short answer: directly discuss what you're feeling or what you're thinking with the guy
okay.
Don't wait for permission.
Don't sit around waiting for a title to be formed or waiting for him to make the next
move.
Go to him and be direct.
Be willing to lose him rather than try to play it safe and not do anything that might
scare him away okay.
If he's gonna be scared away then scare him away - get it out of the way early.
If he's good for you, you won't be able to do that with honesty - being honest will just
draw him in.
So you can't really lose either way, it's already kind of predetermined.
Don't ask for what you want - tell them what you want, and then give them a chance to respond
and reciprocate, and a clear path they can follow.
Now what I mean by this is rather than saying to someone like "I want to be your boyfriend"
or sorry saying something like "Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?
What are we now?" or "Where's this going?" or "Can we see each other again?"
You can just say what you want.
which is "I'd like to see you again.
I'd like to take this further.
I want to have sex with you again."
You should be very direct with them, preferably in person if you can or on the phone - not
by text!
I know I sound like an old man for saying that but honestly text is just the worst form
of communication - it's just a cowardly, really like insecure form of communication.
But even if text is the best you can come up with, with your level of courage, go for
it.
Just say "Look, I want this" and give them clear guidance as to how they can show you
whether or not they're on board with this.
So rather than saying "Can I be... you know can we be girlfriend and boyfriend?"
You can say "Look I'd like to get into a committed relationship with you, if you're on board
with this call me back."
You know or "If this is what you want too, let me know.
" Just as kind of like I'm gonna give you this offer and here's how you show me that
you like this offer, and if I don't see that from you I'm gonna assume it's a No and I'm
gonna move on with my life.
And you can kind of give them this out - it's like either you're keen and here's how you
would show me how you're keen, or you're not and I'm gonna continue on, I'm not gonna chase
you."
Okay chasing is the worst because if someone's like scared and they're on the fence about
you, chasing them just makes it guaranteed that they're gonna run away.
Whereas if you say "Look this is what I want, here's all my cards on the table.
If you want the same thing get in touch" they're kind of free to decide.
There's no pressure or obligation.
They can just do nothing if they want, and you'll leave them alone.
The question you really asked "How can I ask for something if I don't have a title?"
Well no relationship actually needs a title.
A connection between two people is just a connection.
Those titles that we give it are just bullshit we make up to feel more secure about loyalty.
In reality, it's just connections and every connection needs boundaries and clear expectations.
You need to know what each other wants from the connection, and if the other person isn't
giving it then go first, lead, say "This is what I want and you need to tell me what you
want or we can't go any further."
There really needs to always be this option on your side that you will call it off if
certain respect is not paid to you.
If the other person is not reciprocating and not investing equally to you, you will end
the whole thing okay.
If you don't have that option available or you're not willing to take that option, then
you're powerless all right.
And then you'll always be doomed to like poor-fit connections.
Does sex cut off emotional availability?
Once you have sex is it all over?
Is the chance for emotional connection done?
Actually I think it's the opposite.
I think having sex often enables an emotional connection, especially with emotionally repressed
guys.
There's an old joke really that guys are they're most honest right after they cum, and it's
so true because it's the one time where we don't give a fuck how we're seen.
That's why some guys cry after sex I'm sure.
But actually having sex with someone is such an emotional event and it's such a vulnerable
event that it can be the gateway to a deeper connection.
I've always wondered how sexless relationships, like people waiting for marriage or whatever,
how deep their connection can be without it.
I know I can have deep connections with people without having sex with them, but it doesn't
mean that once you have sex, that's the level of emotional depth that you're gonna get to,
you just cut it off.
Actually you're just beginning okay.
Now you've seen each other naked, you've been inside each other, what's left to hide?
Your may as well let all the other stuff out too, you may as well talk about your secrets
and your relationship with your parents and how you really feel about each other and your
boundaries and your beliefs.
That gateway has been opened by sex, not closed by it.
The key thing - I've already said this but I really want to make the point again - never
leave a relationship in someone else's hands.
Never be the one waiting for their decision.
Always have this kind of independence where if somebody else isn't playing ball - they're
not respecting you, they're not reciprocating, they're not investing - you've got an option,
and that option is to move on with your life.
Never put yourself in a position where you're hoping somebody else will behave in a certain
way.
Ask for what you want, tell them what you want, however you want to phrase it, tell
them what they need to do to show you that they're going to deliver that and then move
on with your life okay.
If they're good for you they will come back in and say "No wait, I'm ready" and you won't
have to do anything extra.
You won't have to chase or pressure or manipulate or you know - what do you cal it, I've forgotten
the word - ultimatum!
You won't have to do any of that okay.
Now that was my answer for the general audience, but for you specifically - the girl who sent
this question in - you're both young and you're both inexperienced, so you can relax a little
bit.
You're not going to know the answers to all of this stuff, you have to figure it out.
You're actually going through the process of figuring it out.
It's not like you're lacking something.
You're both kind of shooting in the dark here.
He's as confused about this as you are, and his response isn't like - he probably isn't
being cold and hostile, it's more likely he doesn't know how to act.
He doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want to screw things up, so he's scared to do anything
at all.
He's kind of just playing it passive, hoping that something else kind of moves this forward
without him needing to take a risk.
There's no "right" way to deal with this.
It's a myth that people get like more mature as they grow up, really!
People my age and older are just as confused about these matters as you are!
There's no right way to do this you're gonna have to figure it out, the right way for the
two of you, not the right way in general.
But you and him just need to sit down, have a vulnerable conversation, like "What are
we doing?
This is what I want.
What do you want?
Let's figure this out one way or the other" and nobody can really tell you the right way
to do that because it's your connection with him.
It's nobody else's business - not mine, not anybody's okay.
You two get together, sort it out - your own unique solution to this between the two of
you.
So thank you for watching, I really appreciate feedback so leave your comments below, I love
to hear from you, and don't forget to subscribe so that you're the first to receive all our
latest social mastery and confidence-building tips, and if you enjoyed this video and you
would like me to answer one of your questions email me dan@brojo.co.nz for more support.
I respond to everyone, even though there's a bit of a waitlist, I'll get to you eventually.
Hope you enjoyed that see you next time.
Cheers
For more infomation >> Dating vs Relationship: signs he wants you to be his girlfriend - Duration: 11:29.-------------------------------------------
Sharon Cuneta reveals important detail about relationship with Richard Gomez in the past - Duration: 1:26.
For more infomation >> Sharon Cuneta reveals important detail about relationship with Richard Gomez in the past - Duration: 1:26. -------------------------------------------
Why Am I Insecure In My Relationship? - Duration: 11:19.
Why am I so insecure in my relationship? There might be some reasons for that. I
can help dig into the psychological aspects of that in this video.
Relationships are a place where we want to feel secure, confident like we've got
it and we don't very often. There's a reason for that and it has to do with
our focus. You know how in other videos I've talked about metacognition.
Metacognition is kind of a fancy word. But all it means is a higher level of
thinking, okay? Cognition means thinking. if we put that at this level,
Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking and notice that
you can do this. When you think about your thinking, you're in position to
learn some really powerful and important things about how your own mind is
processing this relationship and I think you'll see exactly what I'm talking
about as we go to this graph. In this box is our focus, alright? so think about your
thinking for a minute and think about where your focus is when you're in a
relationship. Is my focus on how I feel? That's this column. Or is it on how you
feel? 2 possibilities, right? So in this... In this relationship that you're
concerned about, there's you and there's the other person. I've written the
labels here in first person so that you can own it. Ask yourself. "Okay, is my focus
on how I feel? Or out with that person feels? That's what we're talking about
with the columns. Now, forget about the feelings for just a minute. We're going
to go to the rows about me or about you. That's what our rows
represent. So in addition to the feeling, we're getting to the content here. So
we've set up a little quadrant system. Now, as we look at this quadrant system,
you're going to be in one of these 4 boxes. And you probably bounced around a
little bit. But check out that relationship where you're feeling a
little insecure and let's just see why that's happening. When we're in this
first quadrant, I actually call this one the red quadrant, okay? And I color it red
in some of my presentations because this is where we don't really want to be. In
the red quadrant, my focus is on how I feel about me. See, it's all about me. Am I
good enough? Have I got this? Am I prepared? Do I know what I'm doing? Do I
think that I'm ready? Okay, these are all those red kind of thoughts. If we call it
the red quadrant. But it's just where our focus is all on how we feel about
ourselves. It's all about me how do I feel about me. See, how selfish that seems?
And what is the impact in a relationship? In your other relationships for example.
Think about how it feels when somebody else is all tied up in how they feel
about themselves. It's like, "Hello, anybody in there?"
The lights are on but nobody's home. It's like I'm unnecessary here because you're
so tied up in how you feel about yourself. how do you feel when you get
into that red quadrant? when you're focused on, "Oh, am I good enough? Do I have
this? Am I ready? Am I prepared? Am I good enough? Am I cute enough? Am I smart
enough?" Whatever, right? This creates self-consciousness.
If you're feeling self-conscious... Now, I'm not talking about that healthy sense of
self-awareness or mindfulness. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about
that anxious self-consciousness that happens anytime our focus is on how I
feel about myself. You don't even have to change it but notice it. Now, what if we
shift over here to this quadrant? Now, my focus is on how you feel about me. On how
you feel about me. Do you think that I'm good enough? Do you approve of me? Do you
think that I'm cute enough? Smart enough? Do you think I'm prepared? Do you think I
can do this? Do you accept me? All right, that is our second quadrant here. What's
the effect? Insecurity. That's where insecurity comes from. You're wondering
why you're insecure in this relationship? Is on how other people feel about you.
Just check it out and see if that is accurate. Welcome back to junior high
folks. I mean, do you remember feeling that anxious, insecurity about, "Oh, do I
fit in? Are they going to like me? Are they going to
approve of me?" This is where it comes from. And there's different levels of
that, that's granted. But I just want you to see that when your focus is here in
this quadrant, that's when you get the insecurity. That's where it comes from.
Either way up here on the top, we create anxiety. It's either that judgmental-self
judging-anxiety over here in the first quadrant or it's that insecurity of, "Oh,
do people like me? Am I going to fit in?" of the second quadrant. Either way, we
feel anxiety and nervousness and apprehension. Okay, let's move on. How
Now, my focus is on how I feel about you. Do I like you? Do I
approve of you? Do I think you're making good choices? Do I accept you? Okay, even
if it's positive, can I just add that? Even if it's positive, it creates
criticism. So we've got self-consciousness here, we've got
insecurity over there. We've got criticism here. I said even if it's
positive. Check it out. How does it feel if I approach you and
I'm like, "Oh, I approve of you. Pat you on the head a little bit." How condescending
is that. What gives me the authority to approve of you or not? It's like I'm here
and you're there, right? Doesn't feel right. And people will feel criticized. So,
when my focus is on how I feel about you, that leads to criticism. We got one more
box. This is where we get out of our own way, okay? It's not about me and how I
feel is only secondary. My focus is now on how you feel about
yourself. When I can get to that quadrant, this is the one that I have labeled the
influencer quadrant. We can also label that confidence because I think that's
going to fit as well. We get out of the insecurity and the anxiety of this top
row where it's all about me. We get out of the judgment and the criticism that's
characteristic of these two over here in the first column. It's not about me, how I
feel is only secondary. That's what gives me the influence and the confidence in
the relationship that I crave. You know, if you're feeling some insecurity in
your relationship, that's okay. There's not fun, I know. And you're trying to
change it. Just notice where it's coming from and I'm guessing that if you're
feeling insecurity, you're in that second quadrant where your focus is on how
other people feel about you. Just notice it. As you notice it, it puts you in a
higher level of choice and control. Because maybe you want to do something
about this. Now, really quickly before I let you go today.
I want to give you 4 hacks. 4 brain hacks to get you in to that influence,
confidence quadrant. Notice where your focus is. That's going to help. And then
to hack your way into that quadrant, give social gifts. There's 4 of them that I
would recommend. The first one is gratitude. You express gratitude to the
people in your life that you want to be in a relationship with. In a way that
you're focused on how they feel about themselves, that's a gift. And they will
love it. Be specific. Tell them what you're
grateful for. Not just, "Oh, I appreciate you." For what? Tell them what you like
about them. What you appreciate about them or what they've done for you. That's
the gratitude one. The second one is information. It's a gift. You give them
information. It's like enlightenment. Like something
they didn't know before. It usually starts with, "Hey, did you hear? Or you know,
what I heard today?" And then you give them a gift of information. We've got
gratitude, we got information. The next one is common ground. Common ground is
something that you share with someone else. So you point out how you're similar,
how you're alike. What you have in common. It's a social gift. And then the fourth
one is good cheer. Good cheer has to do with positivity and actually being
cheerful. And using a smile on your face. People are going to wonder what you're up
to. Don't worry about that. Give this social
gift elevates people and raises their mood. The gift of good cheer. Those 4
social gifts will help you to hack into that influence and confidence Quadrant
in your relationships. There's a whole positive relationships resources
playlist here at Live On Purpose TV. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Please
share it and check out that other playlist.
We got a lot of other good stuff.
hands down face lights
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Mistakes women make when starting a relationship - Duration: 4:13.
For more infomation >> Mistakes women make when starting a relationship - Duration: 4:13. -------------------------------------------
The fractured Royal relationship: How Meghan Markle made Kate Middleton Cry? - Duration: 10:25.
The fractured royal relationship how Megan Markel made Kate Middleton cry in the drama-filled run-up to Megan's wedding
Kate was left in tears after an argument over bridesmaid princess Charlotte's dress a new report claims
Even the most modest wedding has a way of making its principal actors
uncharacteristically uncompromising
So one can only imagine the pressures Megan Markel Prince Harry and the wider royal family found themselves under as Harry and Megan's wedding plans
descended into chaos
Unraveling as her father's will he or won't he dramatics up ended months of meticulous planning?
now a new report in The Daily Telegraph claims that the apparent fracturing of the
Relationship between Kate Middleton and Megan can't be dated back to an argument over
Bridesmaid dresses during the run-up to Megan and Harry's wedding when Megan made an emotional Kate who had just given birth to Prince Lewis days
before cry
tension between the two
Princesses has been widely said to be a factor in the announcement this weekend that Harry and Megan are moving out of the London compound
Kensington Palace where William and Kate also live The Telegraph's Camilla tomini a hugely respected
Reporter who broke the news that Harry was dating Megan in the first place writes in The Daily Telegraph
That Freud or between Megan and Cape goes back to the days before Harry and Megan's wedding in May
Domine says that The Telegraph has spoken to two separate sources who claim Kate was left in tears
following a bridesmaids dress fitting for Princess, Charlotte
Princess Charlotte Kate and William's daughter had only just turned 3 at the time of the nuptials in Windsor
Along with her then four-year-old brother George. She was one of the stars of the Royal Wedding to casual viewers
it was all smiles on the big day, but it seems that behind the scenes there were violent pre-wedding disagreements an
Insider tells, Tom
Aney Kate had only just given birth to Prince Lewis and was feeling quite emotional The Telegraph says the incident happened around the time
Megan was reported to have also upset the Queen by asking to wear an emerald tiara instead of the one offered by the
92 year old monarch
Royal sources have been furiously seeking to dampen downs
Dory's have a rift at the heart of the Fab Four as the young royals are known
Trying to make the case that Meghan and Harry are moving to Frogmore cottage near Windsor out of privacy and space concerns
Tension between Meghan Markel and Kate Middleton could be behind Harry and Meghan's move to the burbs
The palace is desperate to stem a story that Harry and Meghan's move away from William and Kate doesn't represent a family rift but British
newspapers smell blood in the water
Tension between Meghan Markel and Kate Middleton could be behind the dramatic decision by Harry and Meghan to move out of London's Kensington Palace
where they would be living in the shadow of the future king and queen according to a new report a
Source is quoted by The Daily Mail as saying Kate and Meghan are very different people
They don't really get on
The official announcement this weekend that Harry and Megan are to move out of their home on the grounds of Kensington Palace
Relocating 20 miles away to attend bedroom cottage in the Frogmore House estate
Not far from Windsor Castle caught observers by surprise
The Frogmore estate is the private possession of the family and the house is not inhabited
It is used for official events and is open to the public only a few days each year
Meaning Harry and Megan can enjoy a high degree of privacy living on the grounds
It is expected that Megan's mom Doria will live at their new home too as she is believed to have recently moved to the UK
Palisades have sought to play down
Speculation that a rift between Harry and William is to blame for the change and spin a line that Harry and Megan want to live
At Frogmore because it holds a special place in their hearts as it is where their wedding reception earlier
this year was held the media management team at the palace looks set to push back against stories that their respective wives have taken a
disliking to each other an
Inquiry by The Daily Beast Sunday night received a Kurt no comment from a duty press officer
although official sources sought to pour cold water on the story by
Emphasizing the quote in the Daily Mail about the princess is not getting on was unattributed
The press are unlikely to be easily warned off this juicy tale
However, which was dominating royal coverage this weekend eclipsing Harry's solo tour to Zambia
There are no shortage of clues on the public record as to how the style and attitude of Britain's two most important princesses vary
From their clothes to their interactions with media and the public the two are clearly light-years apart
The Daily Beast has previously been told by sources that while Kate and her husband are hugely popular with their staff
Megan can be brusque and has been dismayed by British levels of service
Megan was said to have earned Harry of stern word from the Queen ahead of her wedding
following a dispute about what tiara she could wear
Harry is said to have raged at his staff what Megan wants Megan gets in the tense run-up to the nuptials
however
The family has been impressed by Megan's extraordinary work ethic and the enthusiasm
with which she has taken to the role since the announcement of her engagement including a 16 day tour of Australasia whilst pregnant which
Contrasts to the difficulties courtiers have experienced over the years in getting Kate to participate
Kate's apparent reluctance to embrace her duties as enthusiastically as she might was recently demonstrated when she declined to be interviewed for a landmark
Documentary about the Queen saying she was on maternity leave
Sources have told The Daily Beast that it is only natural for the brothers and their wives
to diverge and seek to distinguish themselves as they grow into and develop separate roles, and there has also been
Speculation that the brothers may split their joint foundation sooner rather than later
Williams destiny as king means that ultimately their paths must diverge
but even in the first stage of that progression has Prince of Wales William will have a massive extra layer of
Responsibility running the Duchy of Cornwall the vast private estate that holds hundreds of millions of pounds worth of investments in land
It is always the personal property of the Prince of Wales as the heir to the throne is known
Megan Markel and harry to move away from kate and wills unlikely ever to be best friends
They are the Royal Family's Fab Four
But the Dukes and duchesses of Cambridge and Sussex plan to lead increasingly separate lives after Harry and Megan's decision to move to Windsor
Sources say the two couples who seemed so close when Harry and Megan got engaged a year ago are ready to take separate paths
Although they will both retain offices at Kensington Palace
The Sussex has moved to Frogmore
which is due to be completed at an
Undisclosed cost to the taxpayer before Megan gives birth to their first child in the spring comes amid claims of a growing coldness between Kate
and her sister-in-law
Kensington Palace officials have remained tight-lipped about that and a spate of stories about Megan proving difficult and demanding
But others have said the two sisters-in-law spend little time together off duty. There has been no major fallout
according to those who know the couple's but just a realization that the two women are unlikely ever to be best friends a
Year ago in their engagement interview Harry and Megan gushed about how welcoming William and Kate had been
back, then Harry said and then William was longing to meet her and so was Catherine so
you know being our neighbors we managed to get that in a couple of well quite a few times now and
Catherine has been absolutely wonderful
Megan interjected
Amazing as has William as well
Harry said friends have acknowledged that at 37 and 34 Megan and Harry want to spread their wings
It's not unusual to want to put a bit of distance between yourselves a source said
palace officials have insisted Harry and Megan's main reason for moving to the cottage on the
33 acre Frogmore estate in Windsor castles home park was their need for more space for when their baby arrives
they have lived together a
two-bedroom nottingham cottage in the palace grounds since their engagement in november last year and found there were no options available for them at
Kensington Palace a royal compound once dubbed the ant heap by Edward the 7th or elsewhere on the royal estate in London
There had been talk of them moving into 20 bedroom apartment one next door to William and Kate at Kensington Palace
The apartments longtime occupants the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester
Planned to move out next year and into the smaller old stables now their children have grown up
But the timing proved unhelpful for Harry and Megan
apartment one needs a major refurbishment and wouldn't be ready in time a source said
The palace has refused to say for now how much the taxpayer will have to fork out to make?
Frogmore cottage fit for the sussex
a--'s that will appear in the sovereign grant report next summer in the usual way a spokeswoman said
But when William and Kate announced they plan to move into their apartment
officials did provide an estimate of four million pounds for the cost a figure that grew to
4.5 million pounds before they moved in in 2014
Like them Harry and Megan will pay for the interior decorating and soft furnishings
But the taxpayer will cover the cost of the renovation
Palace officials who were quick to point out that William and Kate would remain in their apartment until he becomes king have made no similar
Commitment for Harry and Megan's cottage saying only that it will be their official residence for the foreseeable future
Previously a senior royal source has said Clarence House has been earmarked as a potential future home for Harry when his father becomes King
Royal sources have denied reports that Frogmore cottage which stands close to the much larger
Frogmore house where harry and megan has their evening wedding reception has 10 bedrooms
It's a fraction of that said one source
But the couple's office refused to say how many bedrooms it will have once the refurbishment is finished
Royal sources have also firmly denied that Megan's mother Doria Ragland plans to move to Britain and install herself at Frogmore
Cottage she will be a regular visitor, but it is thought she plans to retain her home in Los Angeles
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