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When someone says "I need space," it can often cause us survivors a ton of panic.
Did we do something wrong?
Are they going to leave us?
These are normal and understandable questions originating from our traumatic experiences,
but that doesn't make them any less painful or difficult to cope with.
So, this video will show you how to finally make healthy space in a relationship feel safe.
Hello! I'm Arien Smith and you are watching Arien Inspires, a weekly online web series where
you can find peace and joy and prosperity after abuse.
So much of this comes from feeling comfortable in our relationships, which includes not feeling
overwhelmingly anxious when someone that we love wants a little bit of space.
Space is a neutral thing in relationships, but sometimes it's hard for us survivors
of abuse to see that.
Often, our abuser would punish us by walking away when we'd express some grievance or
boundary—so their actions turned space into something terrifying.
It signaled anguish and abandonment and unworthiness.
I personally had this happen with an emotionally abusive ex.
I'd express something that I wasn't comfortable with, like bringing up a boundary of mine
that they had ignored, and then they'd completely drop contact.
Like missing Skype calls that we'd schedule and not responding until days later.
Eventually, they even went eight weeks without talking to me.
This is likely a more extreme example, but it points to how abusers can use this technique
in our lives and how it impacts us.
They took their affection away when they didn't like what we were doing or expressing—and
that's what's made even healthy space in relationships feel unsafe now.
But, it's something you can now reclaim as being safe.
Like all parts of trauma recovery, it will take time for your mind to trust it, but here's
how you can speed up the process:
First, talk about what space means with trusted people that you love.
Every human being needs space sometimes, so get some clarity on what your loved one's
space might mean for them.
What type of contact do they want and not want?
How will they reach out when they want you back in their life?
When and how will you check in, if it's a longer period of space?
These are all super healthy questions to talk about, and ideally you want to discuss them
before a need for space comes up.
If that's not possible, then sometimes there's still room to talk about it as you're deciding
that you need space from each other.
That really depends on what the situation is and what emotions are involved, so play
this one by ear.
A need for space has a huge range across different people, so I'll give you some examples of
what this might look like!
Let's say that a friend needs some space, perhaps because they've been ill or lost
someone close and they need time to process it.
You can first ask what type of space they need—like are they still okay with you texting
and checking in, and they just don't want to see you in person?
Also, how long do they think they'll need until it's okay for you to come back into
their life, and when it's time for that, what will that look like?
Of course, not everyone will know exactly how what type and time of space they need,
but it's still healthy to set a time to check in.
Maybe say something like "How about, a week from now, I reach out and see how you're
doing.
Then I can see if you still need more space, or if you want to get back in contact."
This sort of definite timeline will help them feel more supported and respected in their
need for space, while also putting your mind at ease since you know that there is an end
date to this.
It gives you room to put the space out of your mind and focus on something else for
that you're passionate about in the time being.
In a different example, like something of brief space might be a partner asking, just
in the moment, that they need a little bit of room.
Maybe they're getting really stressed and just need to walk away for a moment.
They might only be able to say "I need space right now," and that's your cue to go,
distract yourself with something else, and allow them to approach you when they're ready.
After these shorter situations, it's really good to follow up with a conversation that
you have with this person.
That way you can better know what happened, so that you're not taking it internally or
putting it on yourself.
You can know in the future what sort of space they need and how they'll break it, and you
can generally put your mind at ease by knowing more about the situation and that it's not
about you.
Of course, in other situations, sometimes some space from you particularly is needed.
I know this can be particularly tough, because it's hard not to take it a little bit personally,
but it's still good to set some boundaries and clarity around the space that this person needs.
So, still set a time to check in and ask about what boundaries and type of space they need.
But also, while this is going on, make sure that you're taking the time to invest in some
of the things that you love.
This type of space is often more intense, but it is still something that you can survive
and cope with beautifully.
Now, all types of space are so much easier to handle when you have other passions and
interests in your life.
Like a creative project, a career goal, or other meaningful friendships.
That way, when one thing in life feels tense or vulnerable, you have other things you can
feel inspired and passionate about.
Relationships aren't the only joys in life, and having other passions will show you this.
Lastly, to help someone's request for space feel safer, think back to some of the times
you've needed space and how it wasn't a personal thing against the people you needed
space from.
Maybe you were sick or tired or processing trauma and you just needed your friends to
step back for a bit.
It's likely that when your loved ones ask for space, it has nothing to do with you,
so you can calm your mind by thinking about times you've asked for space and how it
hasn't had anything to do with the loved ones around you.
It's really my hope that all of this will help you feel a little calmer when someone
says "I need space."
You'll know how to get the information to best respect their boundary, which has the
added benefit of calming you a bit too, and you'll be able to focus on other things
that matter and inspire you during that time of distance.
And lastly and very importantly, don't reject those feelings of loneliness or grief that
come up.
It's okay to feel these things when someone takes some space in a relationship, no matter
the reason.
Rejecting or burying these emotions will only make them hurt more, so let them be lovingly felt!
So, now I'd love to hear from you!
What in your past has made space in relationships feel unsafe?
How can you use one of these techniques to start reclaiming space in a relationship as
something that is safe and healthy now?
Leaving a comment on this blog would be awesome and so would sharing this with another survivor
of abuse!
I'm certain that there are others out there who feel terrified when space in a relationship
comes up, so this might help to put their mind at ease.
As always there are a ton more free resources over at UncoverYourJoy.com, so head on over,
check it out, and leave a comment!
While you're there, be sure to subscribe to our email list.
You'll received exclusive monthly self-love letters, weekly blog updates, and free resources
I send only to my email community.
Someone in your past made space feel unsafe and scary, so it's understandable that you
struggle with it now.
But, space is often a healthy thing that comes up in relationships—so it's my hope these
techniques will help you to experience that as a safe thing in the future.
And no matter what you feel, remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and you are
capable of so so much!
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