Are there any relationships in your life that you wish were different than they are?
Better than they are?
Well, today we're going to talk about how to take control of your relationships.
Today, we're going to talk about how to take control of your relationships.
So, in your life, Do you have any relationships right now that are not the way that you would
prefer that they be?
Do you have relationships with people in your life that are not behaving the way that you
would like them to behave that are not interacting and relating to you the way that you would
like them to interact and to relate.
Well, I'm going to give you the solution.
The first thing though to remember is...
Because this topic is how to take control of your relationship.
From other videos that we've done, we know that there are only 3 things that we can control.
We can control our conscious thoughts, our emotions and our behavior.
So, how can I control another person in a relationship that I'm in with?
The truth is, "I can't."
So, what if the relationship is not the way that I want it to be?
What can I do about that?
I'm going to give you an equation to help you kind of see and understand what I am going
to teach today.
So let's say that in this relationship.
And I'm going to say this is a relationship between me and my spouse.
And let's say that I'm a 2 in my relationship.
And my spouse is a 2.
And so, our relationship is a 4.
But I want our relationship to be a 10.
So, what would we need to do in order to make our relationship become a 10?
Well, I could become a 5 and my spouse could become a 5 and that would make our relationship
a 10.
But again, what if my spouse doesn't want to change?
Well, I could become an 8 and my spouse could remain a 2.
And the relationship would then be a 10.
But I may be thinking, "But that not what I want", right?
Why should I be the one that has to do all of the changing in order to get the relationship
that I want?
Well we can think about that belief right there.
If this is what I really want, then why would it matter if I do all the changing and my
partner doesn't change.
If the outcome that I get is still that I want, why does it matter?
Maybe there are somethings then about this person that they do or don't do that I don't
like.
So, the truth is maybe I don't want this to be a 10.
I just want this person to be diferent than they are.
So, I can look at that.
And that's a totally separate thing.
But I could ask myself, "If this person is doing or not doing something in our relationship.
And I am staying in a relationship with them, why am I doing that?
Because what I am truly saying is, "I want to be in a relationship with somebody but
I want them to be different than they are."
So, instead of me making any changes in my own life, I want them to change so that I
can stay the same.
So, think about that.
But here's the other truth about this, is if I become an 8 in a relationship, there
is no way that this person is going to remain a 2.
I can't happen.
Because if I change the way that I interact with this person, if I change the way that
I talk, if I change the way that I behave, it's going to cost them to behave differently.
So, let me give you an example.
if me and my souse have this pattern of whenever I...
Let's say I forget...
I don't take the garbage out.
And that's my job to take the garbage out.
And when I don't do it then my wife gets upset at me and reminds me or nags me that I didn't
take the garbage out.
And my response to that was I get defensive and I start arguing back.
And so, when I get defensive, maybe I say some mean towards her.
And now she gets upset and she starts arguing back with me and raising her voice and I raise
my voice.
And we have this pattern of we argue back and forth and escalate it to the point that
we both angry and upset to each other and then we distant ourselves from one another.
Let's say that I don't take the trash out.
So, I'm the one that isn't changing.
Let's say that my wife is the one that wants to change.
And so, she wants to become an 8.
And so, I forget to take the trash out.
And she could do something different that she has ever done in the past.
One, let's say that she just chooses to take the trash out herself.
Well, if she does that and she doesn't say anything about it to me, what's the chance
that we're going into an argument over me not taking the trash out.
Probably not going to happen at all.
The other thing that may happen is when I notice or seen my wife taking the trash out.
There's 2 things that could happen.
One, I may think, "Wow, that's great.
If I don't do what my wife wants me to do then she's going to eventually do it for me."
So, I could start to do less and less around the home and my wife might start to do more.
So, instead of being a 2, I may become a 1.
Or I could become a zero.
That's still changing, right?
So, I could go that direction.
And if I move in that direction, my wife may realize, "Man, Randy really is not the kind
of guy that I want to be living with."
This is an easy decision.
You know, I'm doing everything by myself anyway.
What do I need him around for?
And go off on her own.
Or I could move the other direction.
Where I could recognize that my wife stepped up and did some of the things that I know
I am responsible for.
And I may start remembering to do it on my own.
I may even notice other things around the house that need to be done.
I may become a 3 or I could become a 4.
But the truth is if I change my side of the equation, the other side of the equation will
change.
We just don't have control over.
Whether will it change in the direction that we want or the direction that we don't want.
But it will change.
Here's what I do know.
None of us like being told what to do.
And whenever anyone is trying to change us or trying to get us to do something that we
don't want to do, there's this natural tendency to resist.
So, oftentimes when we are focused on somebody else's changing.
So, I'm unhappy in a relationship because of what the other person is doing.
So, I focus on them.
I want them to change.
when we do that, oftentimes we invite more of what we don't want.
So, when I focus on somebody and I'm saying, "Look, you're a 2, I want you to become a
5."
Sometimes we are going to create resistance and that person is going to stay a 2.
Where they could go in the other direction.
Whereas if we accept the other person for who they are and where they at and we put
the focus on our self and becoming the best of we can be.
Being like Gandhi talks about which is being the change that we want to see in the universe.
So, I start taking care of the things that are influencing me to be unhappy in a relationship.
I take care of them myself.
I accept the other person for who they are and where they are.
And I can express love to them.
What we then do is we invite change or we create a setting or an environment in which
this person feels safe.
The defense is lowered.
This person is maybe more willing to look at them self.
And to identify the things that they could improve in.
And then having a desire to want to make those changes.
So, the way that take control over our relationships is to take control over our self.
To look at the things that are making us unhappy.
And instead of focusing on others and trying to change the things the we can't control,
we bring it back to our self.
Say, what can I do differently, what can I change in order to give me the outcomes that
I want.
And by doing so, we're going to create an environment that allows the person or a relationship
with, to be more likely to create or become that change that we really want to see.
Thanks for joining us again today.
Hopefully you found this information useful to you in helping you have ideas of how to
improve relationships in your life.
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