One of the most effective tools that we
can use in relationships is boundaries.
So, today we're going to talk about how
to use boundaries in relationships to
keep ourselves safe and to create
healthy relationships. Today, we're going
to talk about boundaries and how we can
use boundaries in relationships to keep
us safe and to improve our relationships.
So, to begin with, first we need to talk
about what boundaries are. Because
oftentimes there's a misconception about
boundaries. We think that we're setting
boundaries when we tell other people
what to do or what not to do. Or what
they can do or what they can't do. That's
not a boundary. That's us trying to
control somebody else. And we can't
control anybody else. So, we can't make
someone else do or not do something else.
The only thing that we have control over
is our self. And so, a boundary is
something that we set or established
that we will do or not do dependent upon
what the other person does. So, we
recognized it that everybody has the
ability to make their own choices and to
behave in whatever way they want to
behave. However, there are consequences
for every choice that we make. And so, a
boundary that we put in place is
actually a consequence to help the other
person look at their behavior and
determine whether or not it's working
for them or not. So, two things that we're
going to talk about. The first is how to
use boundaries to keep ourselves safe.
And an example would be allowing other
people to manipulate us or to use us.
I'll give you an example. A few years ago,
I had loaned some money to to a family
member with the understand
that that person would pay the money
back to me. And as it turns out, I never
got that money paid back to me. Now, I
could go into that victim mindset and be
angry and upset at the person that I
loaned the money to. And I could hold
that against him for the rest of our
relationship. But the truth is I loaned
that money to that person knowing who
that person was. Now, I may have believed
it that that person would pay me back.
But it was my choice. And so, I did that.
And so, by not getting paid back, that's a
consequence for my actions. And if I look
at myself, I can say, "Well, why did I do
that?" Was that money that I could live
without? So, if I'm loaning it, am I making
sure that I'm doing that to somebody
that I know?
Does the money's gonna come back from
where I'm like putting something in
place to guarantee that money? I didn't
do any of those things? So, the decision
that I made to loan the money was all
about me. And so, if I focus on me, I
can learn something from that experience.
And in the future, when this person came
to me and asked to borrow money from me
again. In one situation I was willing to
do that but I put different conditions
in place or boundaries. So, in that
situation, I made sure that there were
other people involved. Not just this one
individual and we were more specific
about what the expectations would be. And
with those boundaries in place, I got my
money back.
There was another situation where the
same individual asked for some money
under a different condition. And based on
that I was not willing to loan the money.
So again, that would be a boundary.
Somebody asks you for money and because
of what I know about that person, now I'm
not trying to change them, I'm not trying
to control them, I'm just focusing on me.
And I'm making a decision that, "No, I
won't loan you the money." That boundaries
in place to keep me safe.
To keep me from losing money that I
don't want to lose. We can do the same
thing in a lot of different settings or
situations. So, let's say somebody invites
us to go with them, to do something. And
we know that that person maybe is kind
of impulsive, they don't always use the
best judgment, that they often find
themselves in kind of difficult
predicaments. Where we can set a boundary
and just say, "No, I'm not going to go to
this place with you. I'll hang out with
you but we'll do it in this setting." Now,
again, I'm not trying to control them. I'm
just setting a boundary. I'm saying, "Yeah,
I'd like to hang out with you but I'll
hang out with you here not here." We're
doing this event not doing this event. So,
those are ways in which we can use
boundaries to keep ourselves safe. Where
we look at what we know about the other
person, we make decisions and choices on
what we're comfortable with and with
things over which we have control and
then we just set that boundary with them.
Oftentimes, that's difficult to do
because we're afraid of hurting their
feelings. We're afraid of offending them,
were afraid that they may get angry or
upset at us. What we need to understand
is that we don't have any control over
those things. So, those are false beliefs.
You know we don't have control over
whether another person is angry with us.
We don't have control over whether and
other person chooses to have hurt
feelings. All we do, can do is have
control over us and we need to make
decisions and choices that are in our
self-interest. And not worry so much
about how the other person is going to
feel as a result of that. So, that's the
example of setting boundaries in
relationships to keep us safe. So, the
other way in which we can use boundaries
in relationships
is just in the emotional part of a
relationship. To realize that, each one of
us are responsible for our own thoughts,
our own emotions and that nobody can
hurt our feelings. Nobody can make us mad,
we can't make another person mad or
upset. They're responsible for themselves,
we're responsible for ourselves. So, once
we take responsibility for our own
happiness and our own emotions then when
were in a situation where we feel like
somebody is trying to manipulate us. So,
they're asking us to do something that
we don't want to do. They're trying to
make us feel guilty for not doing
something, that they want us to do. That's
a good time to be able to set a boundary
and to realize that I don't have control
over that other person and they don't
have control over me. I'm going to make the
decision a choice that I know is in my
best interest, that I feel most
comfortable doing. And I'm going to allow
the other person to experience whatever
emotion they want to experience as a
result of that. Most of the time when
individuals use anger or guilt-tripping
or any of those kinds of things, that's
an attempt on their part to control us.
And when we give in to that then
oftentimes afterwards, when things don't
go the way that we want or they turned
out like we knew they were going to turn
out, so they turn out bad, we then build
resentment towards that person. And then
that relationship has a negative effect
to that. Because now I'm angry at that
person for what they did to me.
When in truth, they they didn't do
anything to me. It was the choices that I
made. I allowed them to manipulate me.
Because I wasn't strong enough or
confident enough in myself to set a
boundary, to hold true to what I knew, to
be in my best interest. And allow them to
play whatever game
that they're going to play. If they want
to be upset, I'm going to allow them and
respect their right to be upset. But I'm
not going to take accountability for it. If
they try to guilt-trip me or to make me
feel bad for something, I'm going to
recognize that I don't need to feel bad
unless I want to feel bad. And why would
I want to feel bad? So, I'm going to allow
them, again, to be responsible for
themselves and I'm going to take care of me.
If I do that, there isn't going to be the
resentment that will come up later and
push the relationship apart. And so, what
will happen as I set healthy boundaries
in relationships?
This person is either going to respect my
boundaries and our relationship will
become healthier and stronger. Or if I
set a healthy boundary, the other person
may not like it and so then may choose,
if I hold those boundaries, that person
may choose that they don't want to be
friends or to hang out with me anymore.
They would rather find somebody else
that they can manipulate and that they
can use to make them feel better in
their own life because they haven't yet
learned how to take responsibility for
their own emotions. So, being able to set
healthy boundaries helps us create
relationships that are emotionally
healthy. Because each one of us is taking
responsibility for ourselves and our
emotions. And if the other person doesn't
want to do that then they're not going to
feel comfortable being around us and
they will find somebody else to spend
time with. Thanks for watching again
today. So, if you found today's video
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