hello and welcome to the softer side I'm your relationship coach Shelley
Carney can you tell me a little bit more about your personality
so tonight we're gonna be talking about who are you and Who am I and who are you
do you know anything about your personality I do I'm honest did you know
that you spilled some olive oil on your shirt I enjoyed my dinner that's now
that we've got that it wasn't red wine that's good yeah it could be worse yeah
so I'm moving on okay you're in charge okay I'm in charge I'm the board here
there let's start with housekeeping and I am your relationship coach Shelley
Carney I'm a certified integrative wellness and life coach specializing in
relationships for men this is my producer and sidekick
Toby Younis and our moderators that have volunteered for this channel are Jimmy
fast and Jason Younis you know you may not see Jimmy fast today he wasn't in
our other show that's true so Toby will be watching the chat but if
you would like to volunteer or just have a question or comment for me contact me
at my email address the softer side dot info at gmail.com in the live chat we do
hope that you will say hello give us your location like for instance you
might say hi Rick plank from Cincinnati in the chat and let us know you're here
ask your questions any questions you'd like to ask especially anything related
to relationships or personality types or anything to do with what's going on in
your life and tell us your favorite so if I come up with a slide that you think
is really important and it triggered some ideas for you tell
about that or tell us which is your favorite personality test when we get to
it share your story with us tell us a
little bit about who you are and your relationships and why you're here
tonight and then support each other in the chat we appreciate that as well
again if you have topics for future videos or questions you would like to
pose send me an email at the softer side info at gmail.com
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new video let's get started with our presentation do you know who you are in
relationship to others it's important to know yourself because when you know
yourself well then it's easier for you to relate to other people in personality
psychology there are a lot of online tests which can tell you a little bit more
about your personality the way you react the way you cope and it's nice to take
these tests and figure out a little bit about yourself and your life and to be a
little bit more accepting of those things that you're doing and to find out
hey you're normal right so some of the online tests that are out there include
the big five which gives you five different layers of personality the
myers-briggs personality test which gives you up to 16 different
personalities the Enneagram gives you nine different ones disc I believe is
also 5 I'm not sure I took it but I forget now there's also four
temperaments sixteen personality factors or find your Hogwarts house that's a
popular one as well there's some of those fun little BuzzFeed ones out there
Facebook ones that people like to take that are just for entertainment wait
find your Hogwarts House yeah so are you Slytherin or Gryffindor
ravenclaw or Hufflepuff I know yeah it's more about
selling merchandise why do you want to know what your
personality type is because it helps you to develop a language to talk about who
you are how you're feeling how you operate and how you cope with stress it
gives you a better understanding of yourself and the way you work it
improves communication between you and others when they understand your view of
the world a little better and you understand your view of the world and
theirs as well then it's easier to have that communication it helps you to feel
normal you know I know some people who are very worried about some of the ways
that they perceive relationships and how they behave and how they show up in
the world and once they've gone through these personality tests they find out
they're not alone there are other people out there just like them that are
experiencing the same types of challenges and it helps them to feel
more normal so then they can relax and let go of that fear of being found out
that they're weird or strange or different they now know they are normal
and it's okay so which of these tests is the best one well you kind of need to
try a few and see which works best for you some are going to fit you really well
and you'll go yes that's totally me I totally get this and I know who that is
and I know who that is and this works for me and then there'll be other ones
that you'll go mmm yeah I don't that's not me and I don't
get this and that's sort of me but not really that doesn't work for me so that
test don't use it here's the big five and the big five is your results are
given on a percentage according to your spectrum and they give you this or that
kind of a question you know are you more this or you more that and your low
scores and your high scores it tells you a little bit about
yourself and they rate you in the areas of extraversion agreeableness
conscientiousness neuroticism and openness to experience and in case
you're wondering about neuroticism it just gives you an idea of how compared
to everybody else who's taken the test how calm and even-tempered are you or
how worried temperamental and self-conscious are you so that can give
you an idea of how you compare to other people who've taken the test the big
five as it relates to relationships tells you that you can in it indicates
that there could be some problems in a relationship if the people taking it
either one or both test high for neuroticism or extraversion because
extraversion while it can be a good thing because you're asking for what you
want and you're standing up for yourself and you're getting out there it can go a
little too far sometimes and you can be in people's faces you can have anger
issues and you could have some risky sexual behaviors such as cheating
so extraversion can go too far and that can cause a problem your successes come
along in the big five in relationships when you find someone who is high
scoring in being agreeable conscientious and emotionally stable and
that makes total sense doesn't it and moving to the next one
myers-briggs Type Indicator as I said there are sixteen of these and you can
take the test online however I've taken three different tests
from three different sites of the myers-briggs and come up with three
different answers although I'm always introverted which may be a surprise to
those of you seeing me on YouTube and I am introverted I always come out
introverted but then the other letters can change and that's because I'm close
to the middle on that so do you know what you are yeah
ENTJ ENTJ is Field Marshall Field Marshall Toby mm-hmm yeah
so I'm possibly a counselor possibly a healer possibly an operator or an
inspector or mastermind I've come up
with all of these answers so kind of take that one with a grain of salt
unless you're taking it with a career counselor or somebody who is
trained to give this kind of a test and that's how this test is normally given
is to help you to determine what would be a good career path for you based on
your personality based on the things that you are good at and you enjoy and
that's the career that you want to go down because you're going to enjoy your
career more if it's suited to your personality
using the myers-briggs in relationships possible problems are indicated when one
person is a sensor and one person is an intuitive because they have different
ways of interpreting information a sensor is more about solid tactile
things they can see and hear and touch and an intuitive is more about putting
together patterns and gathering information and you know having a more
of a thought life something a little less a little less concrete and they
enjoy that type of input so they can have some difficulties in communication
a likely success is an introverted person plus an extroverted person and
I'll give you an example of why that works when I go out in public I like to
be with someone who is extroverted because if I'm having a problem say at a
restaurant I don't I'm not happy with my meal for some reason I can let the
extroverted person know about this issue and he will take care of it
for me and that relieves so much stress for me as an introvert and my daughter
is just like this she has a boyfriend who will help her when she needs to get
things done he will help her to go there and be with her and help her with the
extroverted side that complements her introverted side when it can you know
when it can be a little bit more of a detriment is if the extrovert is always
like let's go out let's go party and let's stay out all night and the
introvert is like I want to stay in and read a book so no thanks that can pull
them apart a little bit so they have to be understanding of each other's needs
but usually the introvert extrovert works really well in the Enneagram there
are nine different personalities and they're very distinct this is the one
that I feel worked best for me I'm a number nine peaceful mediator and I
determined that a lot of those behaviors fit my personality and I understood
myself a lot better once I studied the Enneagram results for my test it helped
me a lot to understand my past behaviors why I am the way I am and how I react to
things and I can also understand people a little better who I'm in relationship
with and why we work well together or why we don't so this is a really good
helpful test to me may not resonate with you but it worked for me in Enneagrams
the relationships can work between any numbers however there are going to be
times when both of you are stressed and when you're stressed you might end up
going to another number or pushing towards what they call your wing so you
might change a little bit and the other person might be a little confused by
that change because that's not your normal behavior it's the
most important part about the Enneagram is having self-awareness when
both of you are self-aware and understand your own personality then
you're going to be successful because you not only understand yourself you
understand each other and you're forgiving of those times when you know
you're having that stress in your life so why should you figure out your
personality to take a personality test and figure that out well the more you
know the more aware you are of those possible personality quirks that are
going on with you and why that happens it just helps you to solve problems
gives you more patience and understanding of yourself and others it
helps you to cope with conflict so you if you know that as a 9 I avoid conflict
so if there's an issue I'm probably going to let you have your way or I'm
just gonna walk away and not talk to you anymore those are the options with a 9
so as somebody who has to deal with that you need to understand that about me
and understanding your personality style can also help you to make better
decisions especially like when it comes to choosing who to date or what career
you might want to choose what's going to fit best with your personality what's
going to work well with somebody who cannot deal with stress well is
something that's going to be a very low stress environment somebody who loves to
have you know that regimented and scheduled out life is going to do well
in something more like accounting or you know something that appeals to
their needs in their personality so the more you know the better you'll feel
it's also going to help you to choose your partner so you can focus on
strengths within your relationship so instead of focusing on flaws and
weaknesses you can say well as I said earlier you complement me because I'm an
introvert you're an extrovert we go out to dinner you take care of those things
and it makes me feel less stressed and I can relax so and then I maybe repay you
by going out more often because you like to be around people and do more things
and I can handle that as an introvert because I know that you're going to be
there to take care of any issues that come up so we can focus on our strengths
we can enjoy our similarities when we get along because we have the same likes
and we've discovered those things then we can focus on those things and we can
do them together but at the same time we can cope with our differences knowing
that it's okay to be different and in fact that's why we complement each other
because we are different and because we can accept that about our partner it
puts an end to power struggles we're no longer trying to change that other
person to make them more like us so that we can understand them better we're just
able to understand them better because we know their personality type and the
places that they go to when they're stressed the places that they go to when
they're happy now we can meet them there and not fight them over things like that
so personality caveats test results vary as
I said I took the myers-briggs a few times and got several different answers
so be aware of that don't limit yourself with labels I can always go back and say
well you know it's okay if I do that because I'm a 9 and that's not that's
not helpful what I should be doing instead is looking at my limitations as
a 9 or as a introvert and saying how can I work on that how can I make myself a
little bit better today what can I do to stretch outside that comfort zone
and grow a little bit so don't let those labels limit you yeah don't let
them become an excuse well you know I'm just like that because I'm a 9 he's just
like that because he's an 8 so don't let those labels limit you and don't make
them become an excuse rise above here's my recommendations try a few of the
tests see what resonates with you see what makes sense watch my videos I have
one out called an even exchange even energy exchange how to have an even
energy exchange in your relationship this is really great for
understanding that we each need to put in as much as we take out of a
relationship and these personality tests can help us to get there as well
I just put out another video yesterday as well
a meditation video so take a look at that I think you'll enjoy it I have a
transformation group coming up beginning September 7 and in the transformation
group we're going to explore more about personalities and how they interact and
the challenges they bring us in how we can rise above those challenges and move
forward towards our goals if you're interested in joining the transformation
group check out my website and I've also put the link down in the description box
my website is the softer side dot info and if you need additional one-on-one
coaching I'm available for that as well just email me at the softer side info at
gmail.com and we can set that up I'm offering a free ebook the secret of
letting go and starting fresh and there's the link and the link is also in
the description box below and this is great for letting go of past negative
patterns and past relationships and anything you need to let go of so that
you can clear your slate and move forward it's a wonderful tool for that
and you'll also be signed up for my email list so you'll continue to get
tips tools and techniques for relationship building here is the email
question that we got this week that inspired me to do this video and it says
my girlfriend and I are in the power struggle stage of our relationship she
is an extrovert and I am an introvert and some days we can't agree on anything
how do we stop the fighting and connect signed not enough outlets alright not
enough outlets how do we stop the fighting when we're in the power
struggle stage well again finding out more about your personality and how you
work and operate and how she works and operates is going to help a lot and then
you have that conversation and when she wants things that you find are too
extroverted too outside your comfort zone then you encourage her to do that with
her girlfriends and give you time and space to you know be alone have some
alone time or hang out with one of your friends and it's okay to have some
separate time because that just makes it that much more enjoyable when you do
come together it gives you that stress release that you need with somebody
outside of the relationship I think that's really critical in the
power struggle stage also just keep in mind that we need to learn to love the
other person as they are and where they're at without trying to change them
if that's not possible then this might not be a good fit so that's a
decision that you need to make in this stage of your relationship so I'm gonna
put that to Toby now and see what he has to say so the power struggle stage is
the most difficult of all the stages and the most likely to end up in the
relationship splitting up I don't know it's necessarily the majority but a
plurality of relationships split up in the power stage and I would give anyone
who's experiencing a power struggle with their significant other whether they're
married or not is to take the advice of sun tsu and step back right allow their
energy to project and then absorb that energy now it's different you know
there's a lot of reasons for a power struggle some of which can be what they
describe here in terms of personality traits mm-hmm generally it's
other things besides personality traits but the personality trait tends to be
the foundation so an extrovert will have a completely different set of behaviors
than an introvert is ever accustomed to and part of the problem is
that you can't give it all away you can't stay off just be an extrovert I'll
be your local introvert there has to be some sense of compromise and so the
first thing if I were to give them advice the first thing I would do is
find a place that the compromise can start so if the extrovert says let's
go out tonight and the introvert may not necessarily be ready to go out the
introvert could use that as a an opportunity to start the conversation
and find out because extroverts and I know because I'm an extrovert tend
to be attention vampires right they thrive on being out and about and
getting attention even if it's from a waitress you can just see it in them and
an introvert not only doesn't do that but sometimes they don't understand it
and so I had the opposite situation where I was with an introvert and as an
extrovert you don't notice it sometimes until it's too late
this one I didn't and I brought up the subject I brought it up I said you
know my introverted my extroverted-ness is difficult you know for the
relationship and I can't change in extroverts you can't change as an
introvert nor do we want to do that that's where are the areas of compromise
and it could very well be that the introvert said introvert says you know
what I can go out with you we can go have one of these times once a week you
be who you are let me be Who I am but not five times a week
once a week I would ask in return that we sit home and Netflix and chill or
whatever not being an introvert I don't know what really gets to them you know I
mean but the moment you that either one of the parties recognizes that this
power struggle phase has begun it would be a good time at that point to start
addressing it because if you get it too much further you increase the
probability of the relationship not surviving that stage and that's just
statistically true you know so as usual it's communicate compromising
communications to compromise recognition that there's a problem and that the
problem if allowed to fester will just get worse and being willing willing
being the you know the other problem with extroverts is a lot of times
they're so there's so much about what's going on around
they don't notice the smaller things you know they don't notice the things that
are going on in terms of the relationship the assumption that they
make is that because the introvert that's with them is with them then
it must be fun for them too because you know I'm an extrovert etc etc so I think
it's being ready to have the conversation as soon as possible
as soon as you recognize it before you get deeper into power stage because if you
wait too long it just doesn't it ends up it results in the relationship breaking
up and I think an introvert can be an ambivert which means they can put their
extrovert on they can step outside their comfort zone and make that effort
because they do also have a need to connect with other people but just not
but it's draining for them to do that so they do need to limit it to once a week
and then recover from that whereas the extrovert gets an energy boost
from being out with other people and so they need to have that compromise
definitely make something else so the the other thing is oh gosh I forgot what
I was gonna say I was thinking about it when you're talking and then you made
that last point and I forgot it'll come back okay well he said she said so this
is the time of the show when we get to tell a little bit about ourselves so we
just told you that I'm an introvert and he's extrovert but when it comes to
personality oh I just remembered when you said may I interrupt you can get
back to this so the point that I was gonna make is a significant majority of
people have not taken personality tests they don't know they're an ENTJ and even
if they did they may not completely understand it so one of the things that
you can do in order to start the process of conversation and compromise is to
have them ask them to participate in the taking of the test so that you're going
to identify and anybody who's going to be serious about a relationship
eventually has to take should take these tests in order to know
what's gonna work for you because no two people are alike and the funny part
about this is opposites attract that's right you know an ENTJ is going
to attract people that are nothing like that ENTJ but they find some level of
commonality that keeps them going and sometimes they don't realize that
they made a mistake or that they have problems until it's too late
so a lot of times just suggest the idea of could we take a personality test I
want to learn more about you I want you to learn more about me and start there
okay they're free online yeah and again like I said some of them you're gonna
get different results so maybe take more than one but only do it if it's
fun and it's helping communication if it's starting fights then put it away
but the most important part of it is to learn more about each other and then to
accept those things about each other or maybe more than accept appreciate
mm-hmm you don't appreciate the fact that you're hanging out with an
extrovert and they're not overbearing that kind of expert extraverted but in
your case the example that you used where you know it's an introvert
sometimes it's hard for you to say my dish is cold or to be at say a seminar
and I don't want to raise my hand and ask a question but I'll tell the person
next to me could you ask this question for me and because he's an extrovert
absolutely he'll jump right up and ask the question and he'll say it 10 times
better than I would have said it because he's not nervous about it so it's
definitely something that you can look at as a complementary strength that you
can take advantage of in your life whatever they're good at that you're not
good at you know you work together on things yeah and speaking of that how
throughout your life have you felt that your personality has either helped or
hindered relationships and I know you brought up one example do you have in
another one so if we go back to the Enneagram mm-hmm I'm a 6 3 or a 3 6
primary secondary six I'm primary three secondary you took
the test it was way way a long time ago because I would say you were an 8
that's what was a long time but when I imagine I've changed some bit well I
don't know well I mean I haven't seen your test results I was just guessing Oh
so anyway what was your question before I so have you noticed that personality
traits that either helped or hindered knowing your personality has
helped has it hindered tell us about some of the things that have come
up in relationships because of personality so I know a couple of things
I know as an ENTJ that it's been very useful to me in my career because most
of the people that are in my career are not ENTJ so it was a real benefit to be
able to speak up and stand up and ask the questions and you know whiteboard it
mm-hmm although I don't behave that way a lot of times I sit in a meeting and
just be quiet until you know near the end where I find the opportunity to
express my opinion but by that time I've absorbed a lot of the stuff that's
gone on the challenge for me has always been that I seem to attract the
exactly the kind of the opposite kind of woman and I think what happens is it
looks really interesting when you fold that he's so confident in you know
because that's where a lot of that stuff comes from and they're with you for just
a little while and that whole confident thing becomes what an arrogant
egotistical so so what you have to learn as an ENTJ this is that you're naturally
going to attract people of the opposite sex who are probably not anything like
you in that respect but are attracted to that and after a while it's like
that there's there's a that old story about the thing that and I'm probably
going to mess this up but there's this that old saw about the thing that
attracted a woman to you was the most attractive to her in the beginning is
the one that she eventually divorces over drives her crazy yeah yeah because
eventually it's just wearing on her you know what's that thing if you're the guy
with a sense of humor eventually you realize everything is funny you must
laugh all day yeah you don't have to deal with so so I think that the
challenge for me has always been I seem to attract just the opposite kind
of women and I'm attracted to them you know because the other thing too is
I'm a I'm a helper I'm a supporter you know so I'm always looking to me that
the attractive woman is to me a woman who is who needs a mentor yeah you know
somebody who needs helping and is willing to take your support etc etc so I
think the challenge for me was to be able to figure out how to resolve the
what I knew you know after the first couple of times you know oh wow this
woman is really attractive she's attracted to me
but three months from now she's gonna hate my guts for exactly the same reason
so how do I make sure that I don't get there and I thought in my marriages
especially well marriages I was gonna say were relatively successful with
that but they still are marriages right the plural um but I learned a lot and I
thought I was pretty good at it and of course in my business life it always
helped to know who you were dealing with because a lot of the people that I was
dealing with in the job that I was doing required the job that I was successful
that required my kind of personality the people that I had to get to pay me to do
that job as a contractor are just the opposite you know and so I had to learn
to be able to deal with them as opposed to just throwing my extraverted thinking
judgemental self at them and getting it getting to learn to work with them so it
was you know the lessons of being an ENTJ or any other personality I suppose
the lessons are only a certain percentage of population it's like you
and you're gonna have to deal with all the rest of the people that aren't like
and there are percentages there's not a lot of the ENTJ's probably because
people shoot them okay anyway I had finished anyway so and that's a good
point that the myers-briggs test is used a lot for career counseling and when a
company is going to be hiring a lot of people in a department they want a mix
of those personalities so that they have complementary skills they don't
want all entJ's they don't want all you know one thing they want people who are
going to blend and bring in different strengths so that they're not lopsided
so let me bring something up here Rick plank says I'm an extrovert she's an
introvert but she probably wouldn't agree with that I'm not sure what she
probably wouldn't agree with so Rick maybe you can give us some detail on
what your wife probably wouldn't agree with being a family crisis any places
okay sorry go ahead there you go so Rick if you give us just
a bit more information Shelley can address that I'm sure but let me just
while we're waiting for that I will say that my husband and I are both
introverts we both we will go out and we will and he can be an effective leader
and he has been but it's draining
and that's thunder that you're hearing Wow
yeah so because we're both introverts we both need quite a bit of downtime alone
time quiet time so our favorite thing to do together is Netflix and chill in fact
just sit and watch a program together and then later we can talk about the
program and that's relaxing for us it makes us feel better after you
know a long day of being with other people so but then there's those times
when we both want to would like to be a little bit extroverted and go out and do
things but it doesn't seem to hit us at the same time like I want to go out and
do stuff and he wants to stay home because he's been at work all day so
there there has to be some compromise and sometimes there has to be those
times when you have other friends just go out with them in that and that's okay
too but you both have your outlets right he has things like
ballooning and you have you know we can we go treasure hunting and go ahead
keep going I'm gonna get my phone so I can look at the radar because that
sounds ugly well we're indoors it's not gonna hurt us I know it's the
electricity did go out earlier today so let them know if we somehow if we
suddenly lose power that's what happened so what was the question
she wouldn't agree with me saying that she is an introvert well again it just
depends basically the easiest way to tell is how do you gain energy do you
gain energy by relaxing and retreating staying home reading a book watching TV
or do you gain energy by going out with a bunch of people and having fun in
a crowd with loud music what works best for you that will tell you are you an
introvert or an extrovert you could be an ambivert though which means you like
both and in that case you know you can
you can swing both ways so what was the question so let me just read through
what Rick is saying I'm an extrovert she's an introvert but she probably
wouldn't agree with that and he says she wouldn't agree with me saying that she's
an introvert then he says I'm an outdoorsman and she can't take the Sun
she burns easily well that's different for being an introvert but and then Jeep
girl says get the blankets ready in case it hails the topper oh yeah my new topper
Wow for those of you that can see it this is what we're experiencing in terms
of radar right now it's a mess out there well it's okay we're indoors uh-huh but
okay so electricity goes out yeah you'll know what happened
so live chat Q&A what is your personality type and Rick Plank has
shared with us a little bit that he's an outdoorsy extrovert so that's great and
I think that you could probably find compromise in not going out as much as
you would like with her sharing those times with her that she can manage
and then other times going out with a friend or family member to you know go
outdoors and do outdoorsy things well I could make a suggestion based on
experience and that was my definition of being outdoors was very different than
her definition of being outdoors my definition of outdoors was grabbing my
Realtree camouflage and heading up into the woods someplace her definition of
outdoors was could we go to the beach and stay in the pool until sunset or we
could go walking on the beach yeah so there is there is the potential for
outdoors but their definition of her definition of outdoors was very
different from mine yeah and it was that compromise yeah you know how I feel
about the beach yes but in order and I feel pretty much the same way you know
there's a spend time with her the compromise was
you'll go out here to a little picnic at which I catch and cook trout for you
next weekend we'll go to the beach you know hang out there beach or
mountain it was really kind of funny because she could spend hours on the
beach under one of those Cabana things mm-hmm
and occasionally get into the water but going outdoors it was mosquitoes
sunblock there was all kinds of reasons not to do it and I was just the opposite
about the beach you know sand sand fleas sand and everything salt water
and it destroys cameras that's the only thing I know about the beach but we
found some so Rick says I also like to go out with friends to have a few drinks
etc where she was whereas she would rather stay at home yeah I think that's
common in a lot of marriages where one feels like they need to be with others
in a social setting as long as you work that out and you're both happy then
that's great and that's the way it should be I mean just because you're
married or in a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you need to spend
every waking moment together it just means that you're partners in life and
you have the same goals because other than that you know spend as much time
together as feels right for both of you so Jeep girl Jodi says my beau and I decided
a long time ago we complement each other well it sure helps and then she says
very rarely do we have a conflict I am an introvert he is an extrovert but we
meet in the middle like Legos we even fit when we hug well that's nice that's
good yeah
so that's all that's all we got in comments okay great
well if you have anything else to add while I'm closing up please do take a
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and thank you so much for being here and for all your great chat and questions I
appreciate that let's see I think that's it anything else that's all I got you
wanna just read these last couple of things Rick says they want so badly to
go boots on the ground the treasure sir Rick how do you manage to work the
search in there but there's no way she would go with me yes take her with you
find a nice hotel with a great swimming pool and a good cocktail bar and
there's there's lots of places and then make sure you get home in time to take
her to just don't make her go camping just camping take her and you do the
things that you like and she does the things that she likes and you meet up in
the evenings lots of nice hotels you can you can I don't mean leave her at but
she can stay at and enjoy those things around the hotel if I remember correctly
Fenn often said that when they were in Cody she hung around with her friends at
the at the hotel and near the Museum and he would go out and do his Fenn stuff
yeah so Jeep girl Jodi says good video I hope more people stop by for the great
advice well thank you and I hope you'll share it so that they will it's only
well yeah yeah all right thanks so much for being here this evening
and I'll see you again next week for the softer side I'm your relationship coach
Shelley Carney
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