Hey there, welcome. Just hopped off Hay House radio where we've been talking
about 'what is your relationship blueprint?' and I've got a phenomenal
diagnostic assessment tool for you I've created, a great quiz, and the link is
above, it's at NancyLevin.com/quiz, that's gonna help you determine
your own relationship blueprint so that you are able to see the way that you've
been doing relationship in the past and the ways that you can shift your own
behavior to shift the patterns about the way you do relationship moving forward.
And just to reiterate, this is for you if you are single, if you are allergic to
relationship, if you are in a relationship currently that you want to
give a little boost to, get a little up level to. So it's really about you
wherever you are in your own journey, because I'll always be the first one to
say the most route... the most important relationship that you'll ever have in
your life is the relationship between you and you. So we had some really
interesting callers on the Hay House radio show. if you were listening, awesome.
If you didn't catch it you can always catch a replay and I hope that you will
have a listen because we looked, we looked at what happens in that space
between you know, I often talk about honoring the space between no longer and
not yet, so the space between relationship when there's been a breakup,
or perhaps there's been a death, there's been a divorce, whatever that looks like,
before we find ourselves in the next relationship, and it's really important
to take that time to let ourselves become resilient and resourceful to come
back to self, because all of this is about anchoring in ourselves the knowing
that we can be in relationship without losing ourselves. So in other words being
in relationship isn't predicated upon us changing who we are. I was talking to I
think the last caller about you know, showing up on a first date as you. What
would that be like? And if it's not the first date,
what if it's even inside of a 20-year marriage?
What if it's showing up to the next time that the two of you go out to dinner, or
the two of you go for a walk? And showing up as you instead of some packaged
version of you, instead of being in that space of 'what do I need to say or do to
make sure that everything is okay here?' What does it look like if I'm not trying
to present a persona? And this goes across the board in our lives because
there is the idea of how we do one thing is how we do everything. So we want to
see how we show up in a relationship, how we show up in friendship, how we show up
with our family, how we show up at work, how we show up across the board. And what
are the ways that we are packaging ourselves? What are the ways that we're
abandoning ourselves? What are the ways that we're hiding some aspect of
ourselves? What are the ways in which we're still fearing that who we are is
not enough? That if I show up as the truth of who I am I won't be loved and
accepted. So let me create a persona that will be, so that I don't feel rejected
and hurt. And so my goal here is to make it so that you can actually show up in
relationship, whether it's a brand new one or one that's been existing for some
time. Or, if you're in a series of... you're in a pattern of dating right now.
How can you continue to flex the muscle of being able to show up as you?
Alright, I'm going to take a little moment here and say hi to my peeps who've come
on. Hey Chris, and hi Lori, and hi Christina, and hi Alyssa. And hey Jennifer,
I'm glad that you enjoyed the show today. And
we did we had some great callers. And Colleen, loved your previous books,
looking forward to the new one. Awesome. I'm so looking forward to it
too. And hi Marti, I enjoyed the show, especially your conversation with the
first caller, and I always love when you speak of boundaries, thank you. You are
very welcome. And Lori, oh we just talked on the radio, I'm so glad that we
just talked, you're very welcome. And Dolly, you're saying you thoroughly
enjoyed today's show. Thank you very much, you are very very welcome. I'm glad that
you enjoyed it. It was actually really fun. In the middle of the show
I saw a text come across my computer screen and it was a, it was a picture
taken from in... from a page inside of the book of the dedication page and it was
sent to me by my dear sweet friend Mollie Langer who is the person who took my job
at Hay House when I left, and she, they just, Hay House must have just gotten
their copies in so I haven't even held the book in my hand yet but she did send
me a picture from inside of the book and it was exciting to even just be on the
radio and see that come across my screen because it's, I knew it was getting to be
that time that I'd be able to hold the book in my hands since it's coming out
in about a month. So again the link is above, you can pre-order the book at
NancyLevin.com/newbook and the quiz link is above if you haven't taken
the quiz yet. I highly encourage you to it's, it's one of those things that's
like it's fun, but it's also kind of like ah, because we see ourselves so clearly.
And I've taken the time to actually isolate five particular blueprints, five
particular relationship patterns that I see across the board. I see them in my
selves and I see them in the clients I coach, and we all can relate to
elements and aspects of all the different patterns, but there's usually
one that really speaks to us. So we're talking about The Independent, The Fixer,
The Chameleon, The Loyalist, The Perfectionista. And
I've gone in there and given you a bit of, a bit of an overview of, if you, if
this pattern resonates with you and speaks to you, here's where you are and
here's where you have the possibility to go. Because coaching is always about
where you are right now and where you want to be, and what are the choices and
what are the actions that are going to get you there. So when you take the quiz
I then begin sending you, right away, specific tools that can support you in
making different choices and taking different actions. So I will send you
right away an audio and a worksheet that are going to guide you in beginning to
dig deeper into these patterns that have been influencing your relationships. And
we'll always know that whatever is happening now likely echoes back to
childhood, likely echoes goes back to something with mom or dad when we were
young, and the way that it's continuing to be a driver for us in our lives. And
so what happens is a lot of that's happening unconsciously. And the beauty
is that now, grown up you, adult you, gets to make conscious choices from a
different place. So that's what I'm about supporting you in being able to do and
then over a series of days I'll be sending you, I'll be sending you tools
that you can implement each day to support you in getting clear on your
non-negotiables and your priorities on your vision. Because the bottom line is,
and I talk about this often, I have this little thing that I call my
'transformation equation' which is vision equals, excuse me, change,
change = vision + choice + action. So we have to have some clarity of vision in
order to then be able to make the choices that take the action that are in,
that are an alignment with the vision that we're holding. And that's how change
is gonna happen. Change is gonna happen by doing something different. And
that's what I want to support you in with The New Relationship Blueprint. And
Lori is saying I'm always surprised how much of it, how much of what is
happening now goes back to my early childhood. I agree with you completely.
It's extraordinary to me as well, and I'll tell you that I when I was really
in that space between leaving my marriage and my relationship now, I took
a lot of time to go in and be able to connect the dots. And I speak about it
quite a bit in all of my books and in all of my work about the ways in which
my childhood experience of losing my brother and trying to heal a wound of
grief in my parents that could never be healed, created in me this role of the
fixer, for one, as well as all the other things. As well as the independent, as
well as the chameleon, all of, all the things. But it's those imprints from
early childhood that set the stage for the way that then I would start showing
up in relationships. And set the stage for the way that I would realize... that I
would relate to others. And again, as I was mentioning on the radio show, it's we
want to see the ways in which we are, in which we're gauging our own value and
our own worth. You know, am I, am I gauging my value and my worth by how hard I work
to give to someone else, by how much of myself I'm willing to betray along the
way in order to give to someone else? Because there might be validation there,
there might be accolades there, there might be approval there. And so then I
want to come back to the most important thing is that you approve of you, period.
That's most important thing. And Lori is saying, when I kayak I listen to
Louise Hay's 101 Power Thoughts For Life, replacing the old with the new. Exactly.
And so, you know, we we have to, in addition to changing our thoughts and
bringing in the affirmations, we have to be willing to take the different actions,
we have to be willing to make a different choice than the one we've made
up till now, we have to be willing to, to take a different action in the direction
of the life that we want to live into. And you know there was conversation with
a couple of the callers today about what does it look like being already in, in a,
you know, 20-plus year relationship. How do you, how do you actually renegotiate?
And you know, here's the thing, when we begin doing the work on ourselves and we
show up in relationship different than we have up till now, we're changing the
rules of engagement. So it may not always be someone else's preference for us to
change all that much. Because we might be sure, we might be holding up a mirror to
someone else about the ways in which they're not growing and they're not
changing, and there might be some resistance there, might be some
frustration, there might be some unwillingness. But there also might be a
possibility of expansion. And we can do the work whether our partner does it or
not. We can be, we can be the change, we can be the model of the change, and we
can set the stage for the dynamic to shift. And we want to remember that we
are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. So yes, while it
takes two to tango, we have to remember that we're coming into this from the
place of knowing that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships.
And if that is true, which it is, we actually have the power to shift the way
that we show up. And this is done by getting really clear on our, on making
ourselves a priority, on knowing our non-negotiables, and
setting and maintaining our boundaries. So coming from that place of knowing
what our own limits are, so that we don't lose ourselves. Barbara, hello there.
Hi Nancy, thank you for all your beautiful work, K have a sister who was born with
a heart problem, all my life I felt like I had to heal
that and carry that, and because of it I was blamed for all that went wrong. My
response was to, was to go climb trees and hide in nature, which I still do
today. I shut down very quickly and retrieve. How do I heal that? I hope it's
okay to ask. Many blessings. It is of course okay to ask that and you know, so
there's a lot of resonance here in terms of understanding the imprint way back, of
the, of what the, of what the significance of your sister having the heart problem,
what that, what you made it mean about you. So we're looking for the conclusion
that you drew back at that time. Now again, this was not done consciously, but
what was the conclusion that you drew about yourself? Because this is the
foundation of the shadow belief. So I'll, you know, I often talk about with my
brother who had been born severely handicapped and eventually died, that
there was a belief in me that arose of first of all, if I am imperfect I will
die. So thus began the quest for perfectionism. There was also for me,
because I interpreted his needs being so much greater than mine, that
better I be self-sufficient and independent and have no needs and let my
parents attend to him. So we want to start seeing what, what did you make it
mean about you. And then from this grown-up place adult Barbara gets to
shift the belief. You get to first identify the belief and
then you get to find a counter example of that belief in your life, so where
where is, where has that belief already been proven untrue. Because here's the
thing, we relate to our beliefs as if they're facts. A belief is not a fact. A
belief is simply a long-held idea about the way the world works and our role
within it. So there's already a proven, a past proof of that belief not being true.
And then adult Barbara gets to insert a new belief that supports you, and then
you get to take actions and choices in service of the new belief, in alignment
with the new belief. Mona, I realize I get really stuck with the actions instead I
push the onus on my husband and highlight his issues. Yep. So here's the
thing, that's blaming someone else, and it's thinking that someone else can do
something to change your own experience. So a couple of things here, I'm going to
invite you to actually return to you, to put your attention on you. Because
pointing the finger at your husband and wanting him to change or do anything
different is beyond your control. You have control of you. And by putting
so much attention on him it's the way you let yourself off the hook. So in
bringing the attention back to you, you actually get to make different choices
and take different actions that can initiate change in the relationship. As I
was saying earlier, the most important relationship is the one between you and
you, and seeing that you're in right relationship with yourself. The other
thing here is that when we want someone else to do something different,
or we want someone else to do the thing, let's say we want someone else to break
up with us, or someone else to fire us, so that we don't have to do the breaking up,
or we don't have to quit. We're not going to get that, we're not gonna get the
goods, we're not gonna get the learning that's available to us when we're the
ones initiating the change. And when we don't get the goods, we're gonna repeat
the pattern over and over again. So whether you repeat it in this marriage,
or you repeat it in another relationship, or you repeat it with your mother, or a
boss, or an employee, or whatever it looks like, until you begin to do something
different i.e. get out of being stuck on the actions of others and recognize how
you can be the change, you'll continue repeating it over and over again. Shayna, I
don't even show up anymore, especially if I'm not in control. I need
to change. Yeah, and I like your lol and shake my head. Yeah, I don't even show up
anymore, especially if I'm not in control, I need to change. So what I'm hearing,
what you're saying here too is that there's a way in which you, you've
resigned yourself to it being how it is. So you don't even show up. And so this is
an invitation to bring you back in, to wake you up, to enliven yourself, to
reconnect to what lights you up in your desire. Marti, why is it that I need to
listen to your words over and over again? I love it. I guess it's part of
reconditioning. You know, here's the thing, we can hear something a million times
and then we'll hear it the millionth and 1th time, million and first time, I
know it's that, but I like million and 1th, million and first time and that's when
it's gonna land, and that's when it's gonna be like, oh I get it now, I can do
it different now. Hey Paula. And Xiomara, great show as always, I wish that
somebody had talked to me about relationships when I was growing up
instead of being fed the Disney love story, things would have been different
for sure. I'm getting this book for my nieces. I love that you say that. I had
an, I had another client reach out to me saying that she was gonna get it for her
niece as well. And then I started thinking about my niece, and my niece is
only, almost, she'll be 17 next month, so she'll be 17, but I'm also thinking like
huh, I want to give her this book because this might actually help her see the
bigger picture about relationship as she's moving in, and I don't think it's
too young. At first I was like, 17 is awfully young, and then I'm thinking like
oh there's a lot in here, she's gonna be ready for it all. But I think, I think the
younger, the younger the better right now, to get rid of the Disney, the Disney
Syndrome. Barbara. you are very welcome. Hi Abdullah.
Lori, I'm in a relationship with myself right now, honoring the in between,
honoring the in between. Beautiful. And Jennifer, Xiomara I so agree as... and as
was talked about on the show every 20-year old and younger woman needs to
hear all this. I'm going to give it this book to my teenage niece after I read
it. Well there you go. Yeah, I'm all for it, the teenagers, let's get them young.
Because we know that the teenagers are doing things younger now anyway, so let's
get, let's get them while they're young and get them the relationship guidance
that they need so that they can start earlier in anchoring in themselves.
Because that's really what this is to me, this is about you know, first of all, and
I talk about this right up front, relationship is not meant to save you,
it's meant to grow you. And the most powerful relationship is going to be the
one that you have with yourself. Relationship is not a one-stop shop, as
we were talking about on the show too, it's too much pressure to put on one
person to be everything for you or to you.
So diversify. You know I talk often about, about my close girlfriends, and my sister,
the people that I will go to for certain nourishment, or nurturing, or
acknowledgement, or receiving of me. It doesn't take away from my relationship
with my boyfriend, it just means that I know where to go. And that's a really
important thing. So I said it on the radio, and I often, you know, say, there's the
expression, don't go to the hardware store for milk. And so I'm adding like go
to the dairy for milk, the dairy are my friends, my sister. Go the places that you
know that you can go and be received. Don't go where you can't get be received.
And it doesn't mean that anything's wrong. You know we are so quick to make
everything be a problem. Conflict is not a problem, differences are not a problem,
disagreements are not a problem. Let yourself trust in the container that
you're creating to hold the truth of who you are in any relationship. That is the
bottom line of of the work right now. Lorena, thanks for all the support Nancy.
You are welcome. What would you suggest to handle the situation when the
partner is willing to change... when the partner is willing a change a
self-destructive behavior, depression, but he is not taking action or finding some
professional help. This is draining the relationship. Yes, so when you say that he
is willing to change the behavior but not taking action, to me the willingness
is one thing, but the willingness does... we, we want to support the willingness to be
put into action. So this might be a boundary that you need to set.
And the boundary can come from a place of love. And it's coming from the place
of, in order to honor our relationship and honor what's going on with you and
your depression, I just need to let you know that while you've named that you're
willing to change this, if you aren't willing to take action then in order to
honor myself I'm going to need to do X Y Z. Now I'm not saying it means that
you're gonna leave, if that's not what you want to do, but you have to find what
that line in the sand is for you, and it's not an ultimatum,
it's simply letting, it's simply letting another person know what your limits are,
how much you can tolerate. Because it's sounding to me that it's because it's
taking a drain on the relationship, you're not willing to endure this
indefinitely. So you have to get clear on what you can
do. The other thing is, is there a support group that you can go to? Is there...
are you in therapy for yourself? Are you working with a coach? Are you in any way
working on the impact that it's having on you? Because that's what you can
change. But I would also look at setting, setting a boundary in the relationship,
acknowledging the willingness and letting, and letting them know that the
change needs to happen. Otherwise you may need to make different choices.
Paula, I have been with my husband since I was 17, now 47, wish I had this. I think
you might mean wish I had this then. Hey Theresa.
Yeah, you did, so wish I had this book. I'm
getting it for my 24 year old daughter. Fantastic. Hi Robin. And Mona, what if you
don't always like yourself? Relating to yourself, it's hard if you don't feel
good about yourself. I hear that. I don't always even like
myself. I don't, I don't know that we're always in a place of always liking
ourselves. But can we love ourselves even when we don't like ourselves. Because I
can tell you that I always love myself, and that to me is the bigger, is the
bigger piece. Coming back to the place of even, even in this difficulty I
love myself, even if I'm not happy with this aspect I love myself. What can I do
today to honor myself? I always ask the questions 'what's the most self loving
action I can take? What's the most self honoring choice I can make to come back
to me? Yeah. And Mona's saying I'm not always in this space but I find myself
here often. Is that where... so, so what I was saying before, I believe in affirmations
backed by action. So you can affirm loving yourself and take an action to
support the self love. So what's, what's a, what's a practical action you can
take that will cultivate the self love? Robin, hi Nancy it's been too long since
we've had contact. I'm on vacation from work and tuned into Hay House radio
this morning and heard your wonderful voice and advice with boundaries setting.
Can't wait to buy your new book. I've continued my journey from narcissistic
abuse for my parents and can't wait to read your new book and revitalize my
good marriage of 24 years now with my fabulous husband. Oh Robin, muah, I love it.
I love it I love it I love it. Rebecca, my entire life is upside down. I stayed
in relationship to the point of putting my health and well-being at risk. I'm now
divorcing and trying to rebuild my life from scratch. I'm working on
healing physically, emotionally, spiritually, and focus
entirely on myself. I'm finding the boundaries of the issue in every area of
my life. I hear you honey. So Rebecca, I really want you to pre-order my new book,
it's above NancyLevin.com/newbook. Because when you pre-order you will
receive free access to a live online video workshop I'm teaching next week on
Your Boundary Breakthrough: From Frustration to Freedom. Because
boundaries are a critical piece of this relationship work and I'm doing a
workshop specifically around boundaries next week. So pre-order the book. Ok good
Rebecca, I'm glad you have and I'm glad that you'll be there. Beautiful.
Alright my loves, time goes so quickly.
Alright, I'm, I'm grateful for you being here, I want you to check out the
resources above. So check out the quiz, check out the book, and I'll be back here
with you again next week.
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