- A lot a people ask, they go like,
"Why doesn't President Trump regularly hold
"press conferences or briefings?"
And a lot a people don't realize it
because you always see him on TV,
he doesn't actually hold formal press conferences, right?
Where journalists get to ask him questions
in a predetermined time and space.
And today he held a press conference,
slash, is holding a press conference
'cause I think it's still going on.
I don't know how long it's gonna last for.
(audience laughs)
No, and you're reminded whenever he does it
why he doesn't do it
and why nobody wants him to do it on his team
because it's the crazy,
I don't even know if any of you have seen any clips from it.
It is the wildest, incoherent,
ramblings of words put together.
It's just him up there.
He's slamming all accusers, all women in all instances.
He's just like, I don't believe them.
All of them, we'll see.
Why did she wait so long to come forward?
And you're like, are you still asking this?
You're the president of the United States,
and you're up there.
And then he's slamming,
he's slamming everything and everyone.
And one of the craziest things he said was,
he said, "The Democrats are so obstructionist,
"they would obstruct anyone.
"If George Washington!
"If I nominated George Washington today,
"the Democrats, they would block him.
"They would say, 'No, (audience laughing)
"'we're voting against him, we're voting against him
"'cause they would look into his past
"and they would say he's got some bad,
"oh, he might have some bad things in his past.
"Does he have some bad things in his past?
"I think he has some bad."
And then he goes into this rant.
(audience laughing)
In that moment, he's like, "Does he?
"I think he has some bad things.
"Maybe he has some bad things.
"Does he have some bad things? (audience laughs)
"He had some bad, well, maybe he does have some bad things."
And in one moment, you're just like, wait.
Are you confusing Jefferson?
Are you, what are you doing in your head?
(people laughing)
And also, are you trying to bring Washington down
into this thing (chuckling) at the same time?
(people laughing)
Because it's like, there's so many thoughts
that were running through my head when he was saying this.
I was going, one, I would hope
that George Washington wouldn't be approved today
because if he got there
and they were trying to confirm him today,
I would hope someone would ask him,
they'd be like, "Now it says here you have 300 slaves?"
(audience laughing)
By today's standards, you would hope
that the person wouldn't get confirmed.
I'm not saying he was a bad guy for back then.
I'm just saying for now.
And then secondly, can you imagine
if George Washington's in the afterlife,
and then everyone's hanging out,
and all of a sudden their phones went off,
and they're like, "Oh, oh."
George is like, "What's going on, me?
"Is it me?" (audience laughs)
They're like, "Yeah, Trump is saying you did something."
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Trump!
"What are you talking about!"
And now because of this, it's just crazy
'cause Trump went into George Washington,
he then said if he brought a woman forward,
even if he nominated a woman for the Supreme Court,
she would get accused of sexual assault,
which is highly unlikely, but at the same time,
I feel like Trump is the one person
who would nominate the one woman
(audience laughing)
who has multiple sexual assaults against her.
(audience cheering and applauding)
Because I don't know if you're noticed,
he has this insane and innate talent
for destroying people's lives when he vouches for them.
(audience laughs)
If Donald Trump ever says anything nice about you,
it is over for you.
(audience laughs)
Remember when he said the doctor
in the White House was the best doctor ever,
and then all of his records came out,
and then everybody started to speak.
The same thing happened now with Brett Kavanaugh.
He's like, "This is my choice."
Brett Kavanaugh went from being
the guy no one knew anything about
to people from his college and high school coming out
because now people have come out
because of the story of him being a saint.
That's been really interesting to me,
is Brett Kavanaugh said, "I'm a saint.
"I didn't drink, I'm a good boy, I didn't."
And then people from his school are like, "Wait a minute.
"Hold out, oh, that's some bullshit, oh, hell no!
(audience laughing)
"Oh, I wasn't gonna say nothing about this,
"but, uh, no, no, no!"
So people are now being like, "Brett,
"you know who you were in school.
"You know what kinda person you were.
"Don't run around acting here like you were a saint.
"Like the saints of alcohol, maybe, but like."
(audience laughs)
So now, Brett Kavanaugh's life is being,
do you know what I mean?
Trump is that one,
I wouldn't be shocked if George Washington gets removed
from Mount Rushmore because of Trump.
(audience laughs)
Now, he's like, "George Washington!"
People are like, "Maybe we should look
"into George Washington." (audience laughing)
And then we're gonna find things,
and then it's like George Washington,
and now everyone hates George Washington.
Now he's off the dollar bill.
Strippers are like, no!
Take that back, take that back!
(audience laughing) No, I don't want it!
No, no, no, no, no! (audience cheers and applauds)
(upbeat theme music)
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