Thứ Tư, 5 tháng 9, 2018

News on Youtube Sep 5 2018

The quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships but the marriages now are

under more stress than they ever historically have been with a divorce

rates being about 50% for the first marriage and about 65% for the second

marriage. What marriage looks like today is

dramatically different from what it looked like about 70 years ago. So today

we're going to begin by looking at some of the reasons how marriage has changed

and how that impacts us.

So throughout history people did not marry for love at all and so if love grew and that

was like cherry on top but love and desire was not the reason for marriage

like he is now.

If you became a divorcee then you were socially

outcasted and so you know fortunately now we have choices, choices and voices

that we never have had and that is really shaking up society and rightly so.

So what's happening now is that not only do we have the

traditional expectations of what manages to once provide like security and stability

and lineage but now as we are becoming more lonely we're expecting our spouses

to meet all of our needs. So as the relationship expert Esther Perel states

we're asking one person to give us what a whole village used to provides us so

we want our spouses to be our best friend, our therapist, the one who supports

your dreams, the one who understands everything you say and mean, you're passionate lover,

your confidence, and then soon putting too much pressure on our spouses, men and

women and when they don't fulfill all of those roles we get upset. They say that

an average person can only turn to 1 or 1.5 people in crisis and so we don't

have enough people in our lives and we're making a mistake of turning to our

spouses for everything. So there's so much to say about marriage and

relationships but if there is one nugget that I would like you to take away from this

episode will be that you don't have to share every experience with your partner

they don't have to understand every part of you, people have different levels of

growth and understanding and interests and patterns. So for example if you want

to be more adventurous and your partner doesn't, that doesn't mean that you're

not compatible it might mean that you need to meet your need for exploration with

somebody else, like your best friend or say if you love to talk about your the

details of your work for hours but you're where your partner doesn't

understand that could mean that you need to find somebody else like a co-worker

so then you can go for a lunch date with and you know talk for hours or whatever

and so you know we're created as social human beings who really need to be part

of a group and so putting too much pressure on the institution of marriage

which it really wasn't created to hold could really definitely cause to crack it.

We were created as social human beings who really need to be part of a

group and so putting too much pressure on the institution of marriage which really

it was not created to hold can definitely cause it to crack because not

one person can be your everything.

For more infomation >> He is my EVERYTHING? (Relationship Advice) - Duration: 4:07.

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Julian Zegelman: "Investing in ICOs is like being in a relationship with a bipolar person" - Duration: 24:12.

I know it sounds corny but I think meditating to Satoshi's image.

Tell me something I don't know.

Everybody is going to load into a rocket and Elon Musk is going to take everybody to the

moon

I was going to ask you a bunch of legal questions

I'm not an alcoholic anymore. Leave me alone.

Used to be an alcoholic

Well, you know you can't be sexy all the time, right?

Your previous girlfriend, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. My previous girlfriend. Exactly, my previous girlfriend. Exactly

Hey guys, this is Catharine Ross. We're here with Julian Zegelman in Las Vegas. So thanks

for joining us.

Of course.

I was going to ask you a bunch of legal questions, but you've mentioned it you're not a lawyer

anymore. How did that happen?

Right, so it's like being a recovering alcoholic, you know? When you've been drinking for a

long time, people remember, like, you used to drink. Not that I would know, I personally

don't drink. But you go to the meetings and everyone there is like, "Oh, you were an

alcoholic." And at the first one, I was like, "I'm not an alcoholic anymore. Leave

me alone. I like skiing now." Or snowboarding, like one of the cameramen. So, I used to be

a lawyer for a very long time; but in parallel, I was always drawn to business and I was always

drawn to the creativity of business, which to me was creating new opportunities. And

so, parallel to being a lawyer, I was an entrepreneur. I co-founded four companies: two of them got

acquired, two of them failed. I learned a lot from that and...

I can imagine.

Yeah, yeah. I learned a lot from the failures.

And so what do you do now?

So what I do now is I'm a general partner TMT Blockchain Fund, which is a venture capital

fund investing in blockchain technologies.

Oh! So many questions, so many questions.

Excellent!

Okay, so what does a regular VC company do in the crypto space? So you're only focus

on crypto projects?

So, I like the word blockchain.

Okay.

And you bring the wonderful distinction, because I like to break the distinction between three

separate, but related things, which is blockchain as a technology; tokenization and token economics

as a socioeconomic phenomena; and cryptocurrencies — which everybody is excited about and today

everybody is sad about them. I haven't even looked. I don't know what it is today. It

could be $30,000 per Bitcoin, for all I care.

So you preferred the blockchain part of it, right?

Yes, absolutely.

So you focus on blockchain projects? That would be correct?

Yes. So what do at TMT Investments — and our background is in traditional venture capital...

It sounds like you're pitching to somebody, "So what we do at TMT..." Okay, I'm

joking. Go on.

Oh no, you'd be happy to invest. We've still… we've raised the portion of the

pot..

Yeah, okay. But you're pitching though, right?

Right, always. You gotta pitch when in Las Vegas. Maybe you won a lot of money yesterday

and you want to deploy some of that into venture capital.

So what in real-life language, we invest in companies that happen to use blockchain to

solve real-life problems. In other words, they've got customers and customers pay them

money or will pay them money in the foreseeable future and we bet on the fact that somebody

will buy their product.

So how do you research for a product? How do you do your due diligence?

So I'm going to be very contrarian and very boring and entirely non-sexy right now. So

all the flashy...

Sorry.

Well, you know you can't be sexy all the time, right? You gotta take a vacation from that

sometimes.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna be sad for a while. Go on.

I'll put the sexy faces on a little later. But the way we look at it is in a very traditional,

boring way. All flashy Lamborghinis, big conferences, people saying they're going to wipe out the

banking system, they are going to wipe out the government, everybody is going to load

into a rocket and Elon Musk is going to take everybody to the moon in exchange for tokens.

Of course, there is always Elon Musk.

It's got great entertainment potential, but we don't invest there. So, I talk to a lot

of university research groups. I talk to some of the leading blockchain research groups

— at Stanford, for example, MIT, CalTech, Oxford, etc. — I talk to people who are

leaving large corporations and sometimes leaving the blockchain teams at large corporations

to launch something else. I look at serial entrepreneurs, I look at coders, we go to

a lot of hackathons. We look in places where there are people who are going to build real

technology. And then we dig deeper and we look at the real technologies that could solve

actual problems — and then we dig even deeper, and we say, "How do you build a sexy product

or service out of this combination of a real technology that gives a solution to a real-life

need?"

So, from your standpoint, this product, or their future actions — does that necessarily

involve ICOs, right?

Most of the time, it doesn't. And I want to preface it with the fact that we have invested

in ICOs and we probably will continue to invest in ICOs. So, we've invested both in some large,

very large, very high-profile ICOs — a lot of our portfolio right now is confidential

— but we've done that. And also we've invested in what we call 'special situations,'

which is, especially early in 2017, we looked at opportunities that we believed had very

good short-term profit potential, but we did not necessarily want to stay in there long-term.

And so, you know, we entered and we exited, and in some of them we still hold a portion,

etc., but that's, probably, maybe 20 percent of the fund. 80 percent of the fund is bridging

the world of traditional venture capital — which is catching up slowly, but still behind on

the blockchain curve — with the potentially, the explosive potential of blockchain as a

platform technology holds.

Also to the tokenization part of it...

Absolutely.

You do not want to work with that project.

No. And that's very interesting because we believe that tokenization is very related

oftentimes same as ICOs. But an ICO is fundraising mechanism. And there are companies out there

— not a lot, but we believe there's going to be more and more — that use tokens, but

they don't do an ICO. They either have funding already or they use other, more conventional

mechanisms. We believe that tokenization will be a huge wave in the peer-to-peer economy,

marketplaces, e-commerce. It's probably to the future what some of the early credit

card processing companies over the internet were to the internet in the mid to late 90s.

So we are very excited, especially about existing mid-sized companies with a big growth curve

and robust internal economies that could be switched into tokens.

So, let's say you've got the company with loyalty points and it's growing — and

people are using those points, not just saying, "Ah, I got another point. What the hell

am I going to do with it?" and, you know, forget their passwords — but they actually

use it, that's a beautiful candidate to switch tokens for points introduce some cost savings,

introduce ease of trade, transparency — all the things we like to talk about that blockchain

brings. That's a wonderful example of tokenization done right, and a great investment opportunity.

VC firms have, you know. it seems like they having been pretty much away from the industry.

Why do you think is that...

Wonderful question. I think, personally — and I think that's changing — more and more

traditionalists... Andreessen Horowitz, our colleagues there, just raised a big fund this

year.

Yeah, this year, the interest is definitely increasing, but not so high — I would say

— still.

I think two factors: maturity of the technology and the market, and also the risk profile.

I think in 2014-2015, the market was too small and the things that were VC-grade were very

few. And typically it was hardware solutions, some early mining opportunities — for example

with Bitfury was initially venture-backed… You know, one of the largest Bitcoin [miners]...

Yes, I do.

So there was this tiny universe of opportunities. And the VC funding, I think the statistics

— don't quote me on that — but I think in all of 2016, something like $40 million

at most was invested into blockchain by VCs. And obviously ICOs was a lot more. That's

changing. So I think maturity of the technology and the market, and risk profiles. Maturity,

it was too early, and finally now the technology is further along. Risk profiles, if you remember

what was going on in 2016-17, it was all ICOs. If you had a blockchain project back then,

I knew people who would look at term sheets — sometime term sheets from our fund, sometimes

term sheets from another fund — and I would say, "Thank you so much, but no thanks."

And within three weeks, they had their ICO website up, and within the month, they would

raise three times the money they got offered from VCs, entirely none [of which] they lose.

They don't have to give up anything. You know, they'd say "Oh, I have a utility token.

Let's go! I have $40 million now!" You know, why would they give up a third of the

company for $10 million.

Yeah.

That market is changing. As VCs, we didn't want to get into that because, a) that's insane,

you know? and b) the risk profile: The legislation wasn't there, the understanding of what will

happen afterwards wasn't there...

So, it's kind of a gray area and VCs probably don't like gray areas.

Extremely, yeah. It was an extremely gray. Yeah, VCs don't like gray areas because

think about it, think about, like, you're starting a new relationship and your partner

is bipolar — and I mean, I don't mean to be mean to anybody who has a psychological

condition, but I'm just trying to bring some lightness.

Yeah, but it's a grey area for the future.

A new relationship is gray area anyways. A new relationship with the bipolar person is

like going into space with no… you know...

High-risk ratio, right?

High-risk ratio. That's what, you know, ICO investing is.

Great example.

A startup is risky — any startup is. And then you snap down, sort of, to ICO and unregulated

markets on top of that, that's like risk on dynamite.

I see. Do you think we will see more interest from the VCs' [standpoint]?

I think absolutely. And I think what was very telling is deals like Telegram, Filecoin,

etc., which technically are private ICOs, if you think about it because they were selling

tokens, but they did it in compliance with applicable securities laws very similar to

the way they would have done a large venture capital deal. So I think we're going to see

more VC money going into regulated token sales, especially if the liquidity improves for the

tokens and we see that already. And I also think that certain, for example B2B — business-to-business

— companies have blockchain solutions that have no use for tokens. And those are raising

money quietly from VCs the same way any other type of company would raise. So I think VC

money is definitely flowing into the space, but it's still, I think, early. I don't think

it's a common phenomenon yet.

I've looked through your social media platforms — just to prepare for the interview — and

I saw that you advise a lot of projects. Is that correct?

I used to.

Used to.

So, sometimes I'm a firm believer that you learn by doing. And right now I'm focused

on advising a few select companies that are in our portfolio, in the fund's portfolio

— and I'm doing additional advisory work — but the period from probably 2015 to 2017,

I was advising quite a few companies.

What what does an advisor do for a crypto company?

So, I can talk about my experience, because I think, you know, there was a huge, you know…

Difference.

Difference what people were doing.

And that depends on your expertise, obviously.

Expertise on the company stage and what's expected. So, I was always focusing on two

core areas of expertise which I have. One is legal compliance and risk management...

Your previous girlfriend, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. My previous girlfriend. Exactly, my previous girlfriend. Exactly. And the other

one was on corporate development: So, recruiting other advisers, recruiting early customers,

what is the strategy to get business partners, etc. How do you make of the project more sustainable

and real early on? That's what I used to do a lot as an entrepreneur — you know, getting

partnerships, getting early corporate investors — so, when I advise the projects, that's

the two areas I focused on.

What, in your opinion — professional obviously — what is the biggest issue a blockchain

or crypto or tokenization-related project has at this point?

Well, I think it's the fact that, in the real world today, we are still, I think, two to

four years away from when the technology and the customer education and the market need

converges on this in this enormous, you know, wave of growth and economic growth. So, the

issue is very simple: A lot of companies in the blockchain space are light years behind

where they need to be for traditional VC funding. And that used to be okay because the ICO mechanism

was there and that's still sort of okay this year because there is a lot of new VCs jumping

into this space, willing to try it out, but I don't know if it's going to be okay next

year. For example, if you run a software company, you need to have at least a minimally viable

product, early customers, early traction. There are metrics on how much money you're

going to be making a monthly to raise...

Well, we all the Silicon Valley TV series.

Yeah, exactly. In blockchain, oftentimes, people come to you, saying, "Look I've got

this idea for new blockchain protocol and I just published a research paper on it. And

I'm going to race to $20 million." And it's exciting and scary, because they may be the

next Google or this may be a lab experiment to the tune of $20 million

So, the trust and uncertainty are the main issues, yeah?

I think trust, uncertainty and [that] we still early in terms of market adoption. There is

a problem with market adoption.

So, what do what do we need to do to bring, you know, to build the bridge between this

particular problem.

Well, I think looking back at previous cycles, I think the... Two things: I think the overall

consumer education is not there yet, I think the amount… the solutions on the market

today — for example, crypto wallets, crypto exchanges, etc. — They are still for the

blockchain geeks. I think as more people pay attention to user interfaces, ease of use,

regulatory compliance and regulatory use, etc., some of the applications we all in the

industry think may be the killer apps, they will start to gain more momentum and that's

going to push the market forward.

I see.

Because right now, this is still a very closed-ended community, much larger than it was when I

first got into the space in 2014 — it grew immensely.

How would you get a person excited about the industry — well, just a regular person on

the street — what would you tell them? "Hey, have you heard about this blockchain technology?"

How to get [them] excited?

It's very simple. And I know this sounds corny, but this is internet 3.0 — or 4.0,

you know, I lose track. You know, I got into the tech space in the mid-90s, when it was

1.0 and we didn't even know it was 1.0. So, it is the new internet, the new internet of

peer-to-peer interactions, peer-to-peer commerce. A lot of the big ideas are real, and I believe

in them. Just like... But I also don't believe just like the internet did not change every

single human activity, right? If you want to play tennis with a friend, you still go

play tennis with a friend. So, I don't think blockchain will be an answer for all, you

know, commercial and social needs, but I think it's going to impact a lot of areas of our

life. And as we go along further, it's going to impact more and more.

But did you work with the legal side of the crypto/blockchain industry?

Yes, a lot. Absolutely. That's how I first got into it.

Yeah, I have a question. How did a lawyer... how does a lawyer become a crypto lawyer?

So, they just wake up and become one? Or how does that happen? Are there any courses or

trainings? Or?

I think meditating to Satoshi's image.

That's it?

That's it. You meditate and Satoshi touches you.

So, I might as well become a crypto lawyer.

Absolutely.

Oh, I see. I always thought, "What's up with that?"

And when you see Satoshi, you know you're done.

Of course.

Of course.

I have a pretty great sticker, but it's Vitalik.

There you go, that's it. Oh, that's good too. That's good too.

You know, everybody has their own beliefs, right?

Everybody's got their own… Or Bobby Lee, right? If you are into Litecoin, you can meditate

to Bobby Lee.

Okay, can you just wait? I'm gonna touch him and I'll be back.

Yeah, there you go. But seriously, you touched up on an excellent point that I think is…

we did the legal panel earlier today and we had different lawyers, all of them very active

in blockchain

And with different expertise.

Different expertise. And I think being a blockchain lawyer is a question that is: well, what's

blockchain? It's securities law, it's privacy law, it's contracts, it's enforcement.

I've always thought that it's — as it's technology -- can it be considered a technology?

Can it be regulated as a technology?

I think it is a technology, but like...

It still causes a lot of issues?

Well, you know, I think technology… I think you need to have a general understanding of

technology and the law for technology, and the ability to learn and adapt fast. And then

you need to have an underlying, solid foundation in an area of law that is imposed... That's

impacted by blockchain, because I know criminal lawyers who are blockchain lawyers. They help

people when there is, you know, a criminal matter and there is cryptocurrency involved.

I know litigators who are blockchain litigators because they've done enough cases to understand

some unique aspects. A lot of securities lawyers make great blockchain lawyers because now,

more and more tokens are regulated as securities.

What, to your opinion, is the most crypto-friendly, blockchain/tokenization-friendly country so

far?

Well, there are a few. I mean, I'm personally a huge fan of Malta because…

You just like the climate.

I love the climate and the people.

Okay, okay. I knew it.

And you can swim there — it's a little harsher to swim in Gibraltar. But I...

And the food, right?

And the food is great, actually. So, you know what, let's make everybody go to Malta. They

need more conferences in Malta.

Okay, BlockShow in Malta next.

Yeah, Blockshow in Malta, absolutely.

Another country except Malta, maybe?

Frankly, you know, I think one hidden gem that actually gets a lot of deals done but

people don't think about is the Cayman Islands.

Oh, it is?

Especially for setting up blockchain funds, setting up certain larger deals, etc. because

on one hand, it's an established jurisdiction with decades of interactions — with all

key onshore jurisdictions, like the U.S., European Union, Asia, etc. It's got a great

banking infrastructure and some of the banks are now getting into the blockchain space.

And it's… it's not inundated by blockchain projects to the point where there's a lot

of noise and there's a line. Because I remember this happened to Singapore. You know, everybody

went into Singapore: the good guys and the bad guys. And then in Singapore, I think the

regulators got a little scared and said, "Whoa, let's take a break."

But Singapore is now overcrowded with the projects, the industry?

I definitely think overcrowded. There's regulators now who understand what's happening

and there's more scrutiny, which is good — I think that's a good process. But they think

it's just another fashion fad for the next great jurisdiction. I wonder when it's going

to be over, right? Because every year, a new country says "We're the crypto…" you

know? And when they do it four times in a row in two years, it's becoming comical.

Okay, so this is just a PR stunt for a country? Might be, as well?

Well, no. I think it's not always a PR stunt. I think there are countries who are actually

doing a lot in that space and that's great. It's great that they're innovators, but they

think it's, you know, to a company who thinks that they are going to become successful just

because they're registered in country X and not country Y — I mean, that's a very immature

understanding of the market.

So you just... you think the company should be based there as well and to play by the

rules? It's not enough just to...

I think that a company needs to understand its business model, needs to understand the

legal and licensing requirements applicable and then needs to...

And collect potential users, probably. Correct?

Potential users, banking system, find partners, find a bank that's willing to bank you, understand

which jurisdictions the bank is very comfortable with, which it is not so comfortable — and

then make the decision, as opposed to, "Oh wow!" you know? "I saw this on Cointelegraph:

Malta is great for blockchain. I got a ticket to Malta. Let me register a Maltese company."

I've come across, you know, serial ICO entrepreneurs — it's a gal or guy who's at five conferences

a month for the past three years and every three months they get a new company and a

jurisdiction.

I've met a lot of them.

Yes, we all have. And they're great people and they're entertaining. But I feel like,

you know, you show them the map of the world and they know the world by crypto-friendly

jurisdiction. They are like, "Oh, Singapore, Gibraltar, Malta, Isle of Man," you know,

"Mauritius." Like...

So, the question I just have to ask is, are you a crypto trader yourself?

Yes, I am. I am. I'm embarrassed to say, but I am...

Embarrassed? Why that particular word?

Well, because a lot of... You know, it's interesting, when you talk to a lot of VCs,

I'm a very atypical, I think, representative of the industry because, you know, I tend

to... I tend to be serious in investing but not in other things. And a lot of folks in

the VC industry feel that crypto trading is a very volatile, very illogical…

Tell me something I don't know, right?

Right. It's center and they stick to what they know. Umm.. I trade. I trade. I trade

in a very careful manner, but I trade.

This reminds me of the beginning of the conversation, "I used to be an alcoholic… I trade."

Yeah, I trade. Yeah, no because… you know, it's like... there was a time when I was

trading a lot and it's interesting.

It still sounds like an alcoholic.

It really is, because you get addicted. You know, you get addicted, you know, you call...

you know, I was trading on my own, then I had a trader that I still working with — who's

a wonderful, wonderful trader — but, you know, it's like, you get addicted: You look

at it and it's like, "It's up, it's down."

And you never sleep. That's what I've heard.

And you never sleep, exactly, because, you know, you do the deals, you talk to people,

a lot of the deals are outside of the U.S.

And the crypto markets are open 24/7.

They're open 24/7, right.

Okay. So, do you have any kind of recommendations for a person who is entering the market and

would like to trade? Not invest — trade? Do you have any recommendations? Personal

— personal only.

Personally?

Yeah.

Well, it's the same advice somebody told me the very first time I wrote my first angel

investor check. I was probably in my mid- to late-20s, I got a bonus at a law firm I

was working at and I wanted… you know, I thought about, "Okay, what can I do with

it?" I can put it into my pension fund. But gosh, I'm like 26, I can put into a startup

company. And I asked a mentor and the mentor said, "You know what? Do whatever you want,

but make sure the amount is not larger than what you can afford to lose." And anytime

anybody has asking about trading — Bitcoin, futures, horses, whatever — I say, you know,

educate yourself, read a lot, form your own strategy. If you can, watch what others are

doing. Have a diversified portfolio — the modern portfolio theory works. But most importantly,

don't put all of your money in there. Like, you know, if you're not sleeping at night,

worrying about your crypto portfolio...

You're doing it right?

You're not doing it right. It's an extremely volatile asset class with a much, much higher

risk profile than any other similarly liquid instruments out there.

I see. Okay, thank you so much for your time and thank you for being with us.

For more infomation >> Julian Zegelman: "Investing in ICOs is like being in a relationship with a bipolar person" - Duration: 24:12.

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Your guy's bromance might be stronger than your relationship - Duration: 2:57.

For more infomation >> Your guy's bromance might be stronger than your relationship - Duration: 2:57.

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Imperfect Relationships vs Toxic Relationships - Liminal Coaching - Duration: 12:20.

Hey everybody, um

I'm a little bit nervous about this

I've I've stood in front of many rooms and delivered training to hundreds of people over the years, but

Recording it a little bit nervous. So bear with me I might stuff it up and make mistakes

Just proving that I'm real. So today

I wanted to have a quick chat with you about the difference between an imperfect relationship and a toxic relationship

This is a theme that I see come up all the time in counseling rooms

You know people often say that they wish they had realised sooner, that they wish that they had

You know,

Cut their losses, I guess sooner and left a relationship once they've realized, you know, that it's toxic

But sometimes they've invested years and years and I'm talking sometimes, you know

10, 15, 20 years in that relationship and

Once they see that it's toxic, you know, they wish that they had realized that all of those red flags that they had seen earlier

What they actually were. The thing is we tend to make excuses

Especially when a relationship is new and well

You know madly in love when we've got all of that

lovely endorphins and wonderful feelings floating around and so we you know move make excuses for the things that we see

So even though we do see the red flags

We don't see them for what they are and it's only when we look back that we can acknowledge, right

Yep, that behavior was there all along

Sometimes of course

You know really toxic people will actually hide some of those behaviors as well so they can behave

Quite differently for, you know, sometimes up to several years even

And I hear that quite frequently, too

you know it all changed when the children came along or it all changed when we got married or when she fell pregnant or

And that's a really important thing to know that when we're talking about

You know people with toxic behaviors, it can be the man or the woman, the male or the female

And we see it equally in both

You know, it's not it's not confined to just one gender

so some of the things that you should look out for that tell you it's a toxic relationship rather than just an

Imperfect relationship because let's face it. We're all imperfect

So we're all going to have imperfect relationships and that's quite normal. Obviously

So how do you tell that what you've seen isn't just somebody who's imperfect but rather someone who's toxic?

so some of the things that you might see

You might see sort of fits of jealousy

That seem a little bit out of the ordinary, you know a bit more than you would expect

You know checking your phone, checking where you are,

Calling you at work, calling you on the way home from work on the pretense of you know,

Pick up the milk, or you know, I just needed to make sure you're safe, you know

Those kinds of things a lot of the time those behaviors will actually be masked by concern for you

So I'm just worried about you. I just wanted to know that you was safe that kind of thing

Excuses if you like their behavior

There'll be emotional manipulation and that "I was worried about you" is one of the ways that they might do that

It can be you know in large or small ways

one of the big things that you might see early on too is love-bombing and that's the phrase that we use when somebody is like

you know just being really over-the-top with their time their affection and they just put you on a pedestal and

And you know think that you're perfect, you know, they compare you to previous partners or girlfriends boyfriends

Husbands whatever and you know, you're always more favorable, you know, oh they were this they were that you're so wonderful

You know, they were crazy

You know you're so

Even tempered so easy to get along with so organized, you know

Basically any skill or talent that you have they will talk it up as though it's the most amazing thing

You know, you'll you'll probably feel quite good about it

You know, you're going to feel oh my gosh. This person really sees me and understands me and

You know me for who I am

Unfortunately oftentimes that's

They do see you, but they're using that knowledge

And it's more about how you view yourself than how they view you and they feed that back to you to make you feel good

If you see disrespect

you know, that's a really good indicator that you're in a toxic relationship so a lack of respect and that can be

Can be sort of the command fest in a number of different ways

One of the things that you might see is that they try to control you

If their contr- if they're controlling you they don't respect you

It's that simple because you think about it, you know, would you try to control a work colleague or somebody that you respect?

You know a business person that you admire or respect you wouldn't try to control them. You don't control people that you respect

So that's always a really good indicator

And again, you know, it can be masked by, you know concern

Oh, well, you know I just think that it would be better if we did it this way

It would be better for you. You'd be happier that

Kind of thing. It's used quite a lot

Often they will assume a lot more of your time and energy and space in your life

Then you know would be reasonable. They don't want you to have a life of your own

you know, so things like

Going out with work colleagues or even mixing with family or friends

You know, everything has to be a couple thing. You can't go away for a weekend with the girls

It's got to be couples and you know, maybe they're partners, but they certainly don't want to you know

Have you out of their sights doing the things that you normally do? They want to assume I

Guess central focus of your life. They do not want to

Be you know outside of that inner circle where they're there, you know front and center in your life

So, you know, they might give you other clues by saying things like, you know

You're too good for me. Or I don't know what love is you know, if someone says that to you believe them believe them

It's a really really good sign that they're too quite toxic. They don't know what love is they actually been quite honest with you?

They don't know what love is when someone says that to you believe them if somebody says to you

You're too good for me. Believe them

Nine times out of ten. They're telling you the truth and you need to believe that the first time

a couple of other things

You know what you'll see is you'll see intensity in the relationship instead of intimacy

now intimacy takes years to build and it means

It only happens when you get to know people well, so it takes a long while to actually develop really deep intimacy

People who are not capable of that will create

intensity and that

intensity is

You know, it's it's often like it's an up and down

You know

Like being on a roller coaster, that's how I would describe it, you know fights and then makeup, you know

Love bombing kissing sex and everything's good again

But they- that intensity causes what we call a trauma bond and it makes it even harder to leave that person in the future

So watch for that intensity rather than intimacy, they can't do intimacy

So they fake it by creating intensity

There's fear, obligation, and guilt used to emotionally manipulate you

Sex will be used to shame you as well. So

You know, either you never want to have sex or you know, you don't

You know, you don't enjoy sex or you know, I want it all the time

And you never want it

So whether it be having too much or having too little, the sex is used to manipulate and to shame you either way

Often times they want you to put your needs aside

you'll feel uncomfortable in this relationship and you won't quite know why and it'll be because

You're constantly trying to meet that person's needs, but it's not reciprocal

It's never your turn and one of the really good ways that you might be able to tell that this is happening

Is whenever there's a time of conflict they have a way of making it about them

so even if you've gone to them and you've complained about something that they're doing and there's been this conflict and you're, you know,

You've raised it because it's hurt you or you're angry or cross about it

somehow they twist it and it becomes about them and you're dealing with their feelings first rather than

You, who bought the stuff to the table. So there's a non reciprocity to it. It's always about them

You know

Conflict turning personal and disrespectful that's another really big indicator

so

You know conflict is normal in any relationship a healthy relationship needs conflict the problem with a toxic relationship

is that it turns personal and so they get insulting and they get nasty they get

patronizing and that conflict is not dealt with well it becomes

Disrespectful so that's something to watch out for

One of the really big indicators is you know, if you're feeling uncertain or confused about the relationship

There's a probably a good chance that you're in something that's not quite healthy, not quite toxic

The other question I get asked all the time is, you know, can these people change their ways, you know?

Can you take a toxic relationship and turn it into something that's helped-

- sorry, healthy and deeply connected and loving? Short answer to that is no, no you can't and

That's bad news

And it's not something a lot of people want to hear

But the reality is it's usually a toxic person creating a toxic relationship

And they very very rarely even acknowledge that they've got a problem

Let alone go and do the work that they need to do in order to change that

So there all of the toxic behaviors that we would see in a toxic relationship?

When it comes to an imperfect relationship, you know, everybody can lose their temper from time to time

It's how they deal with it after that that's important, you know

Do they give a genuine and real apology? A lot of people say I apologize?

That's not an apology or I'm sorry, but or I'm sorry if you feel that way

Those are not genuine apologies

That's the topic for another time, but we'll talk about what a real apology looks like in a future Facebook live

so

You know, the other thing that we would see is, you know, people seeking connections. So in an imperfect

Relationship you'll have conflict but you turn towards each other afterwards and you try to reconnect you

you're committed to

Reconnecting after the conflict. There's no sulking there's no stonewalling. You know, there's no disrespect

You know you fight clean and you fight fair and you do it with respect

so

Anyway, I'm gonna finish up there because I do want to just keep these quite short

but I am going to do a facebook live once a week and

If you've got anything that you'd like me to talk about or cover

Please just pop it into the comments or you can drop me a private message if you prefer to do that

And have it all you know

Anonymous, so do let me know and I hope that you tune in again next week. It's great chatting. Bye

For more infomation >> Imperfect Relationships vs Toxic Relationships - Liminal Coaching - Duration: 12:20.

-------------------------------------------

Full Ep. - Relationship Between Washington and Local Utah Government - Duration: 28:51.

Is our government a single hierarchy of

authority, the county a subset of the

state the state a subset of the federal

government? That seems to be the way

most people perceive it. That is the way

it looks on a flow chart, but is that how it

really works. Hello again and welcome to

The County Seat, I'm Chad Booth. Today

we are going to look at how governments

communicate with work with each other,

particularly what the connection is

between your Local County and

Washington. We begin by looking at the

different ways counties and the federal

government touch each other in the

course of their duties in the Basics.

Why does my county commissioner, councilman,

or sheriff have to trot off to Washington at

taxpayer expense all the time? After all aren't

our elected congressmen and senators in

charge of making federal law while our

commissioners are in charge of creating county

ordinances? That is true in a sense,

commissioners and councilmen only have the

power to create ordinances, but they do have

the power and OBLIGATION to influence other

laws, which will impact their constituents.

Their legal responsibility is to protect the

health, safety and welfare of county citizens.

Congress is often debating legislation that has

huge impacts on local communities but they

are so far away from main street they can't see

the impact that laws have when they are

implemented and with so many voices from

lobbyists and special interests, local

government should be involved, if your sheriff,

councilman or commissioner is going to look

after your welfare as a citizen.

A perfect example of that is if Washington

introduces a new law that had the potential to

bankrupt a county, the county representatives

should have their voice heard. Whether it is

unfunded mandates, changes in Medicaid or

conflicts between local and federal law

enforcement, things that happen in

Washington affect Utah, and our congressional

delegation needs the input from local "on the

ground" leaders to make sure they are

representing all of the local constituents.

But perhaps, more important than the legislative

side of the equation, is the relationship with

Regulatory entities. Regulations are created by

policy makers who are not elected, and have

no connections to the local people, who

sometimes live on the other side of the

Country.

According to a recent article in Forbes Magazine,

there were 115 new laws passed by congress

in 2015, at an average of 15 pages per law for a

total of around 1700 pages of new statutory

law. On the other hand the federal register

added 82,036 new pages in to their books, of

which around 27, 000 were new regulations.

Those regulations can impact a community in

the same way a law does.

It is almost impossible to change a regulation

once it it's passed, but often there are hearings

where these regulations are being planned and

discussed. If local officials are at the table they

can have some effect on those proposed

regulations.

So there ARE legitimate reasons our local

representative's travel to Washington to

represent us, without those trips, the

communication between federal and local

would grow further apart, what are we

currently doing to close that gap of

communication? We will find out In our

discussion today on the County Seat, I'm

Maggie K for the County Seat.

Chad booth: welcome back to the

County seat we are continuing our

conversation talking about the

importance of a direct connection

a relationship between local

government and Washington DC both

the elected officials and the

administration joining us for our

conversation part of this show is

a Commissioner from Sevier County

here in the town of Richfield

Tooter Ogden. Thank you,

Commissioner, for joining us.

Tooter Ogden: good to be here.

Chad booth: and Russ Cowley, who

is the executive director of the

six County Association of

governments down here, so we

appreciate your taking the time

for this conversation. I would

like to talk about the tools in

the toolbox for the counties to

have a direct connection with

Washington. I know several

counties. Chip in to hire a

lobbyist that serves in

Washington to try and keep

pushing local County issues, but

they're also a lot of other tools

of and associations you belong

to. Could you kind of give us a

rundown of that?

Russ Cowley: well all start out

Chad, one of the things that

we've been involved with is going

back to Washington and actually

taking our commissioners and are

board members back to Washington

to have them actually sit down

with our congressional members

talk about the issues that are

important to them. One of the

things that happened with me long

ago was that as we went back to

that Washington trip there is an

organization that we belong to

call the national Association of

development organizations. It's

kind of a partner with the

national Association of counties

but for executive directors to

understand more about how to deal

with Washington and work with our

programs. And as we have gone

back to that organization and

have that opportunity to actually

go out and work with those folks

on how bills are written and even

get involved with the writing of

bills and so it's been very nice

to be able to have the support of

County commissioners that will

allow us as their employees to go

back and actually become educated

on those kind of issues.

Chad booth: you've got the

Western intermountain region of

the national Association of

counties W IR and NACO how do

they help interface. In this

whole Washington mess because it

apparently your visits when you

go on these NACo Washington

junkets are not necessarily just

to our elected delegations you

meet with all kinds of people.

Tooter Ogden: yes, you do, you'll

meet with people. Obviously with

W IR that is the Western regional

side of the United States and we

have a lot more in common with

the Western states. So, when we

have that convention you are able

to meet with your other elected

officials and those who are

representatives of us in that

board and try to get a unified

voice. When you go to NACo which

is the whole United States and

then at that time you're able to

go forward and at that time make

legislation that hopefully will

have some power because now

you're unified with the Western

states and also with NACo going

forward when you're back making

rules.

Chad booth: so, have those

associations been able to open

some administrative doors as well

as legislative? I know the bill

making process is very messy much

more messy then at the County

level but have they a made an

impact as far as working with

like the Department of Interior

the EPA and groups like that.

Does that connection help?

Russ Cowley: it definitely helps.

And one thing that I may say for

our six County Association of

governments are board have always

been very supportive of sending

folks back to Washington and I

have been very amazed at how

important it is for a County

Commissioner to actually have

that experience of going back to

Washington and has Commissioner

Ogden has said actually sitting

down with a member and talking

about other issues and their

concerns. It means a lot to them

and I might just mention also

that is we go through the process

we have the congressional

members, staff come to our

meetings they have that

networking with those folks every

month and then as we go back to

Washington, DC, they are very

good to help us with any issues

we have as we go back to me with

a member themselves.

Chad booth: do you think you've

turned any heads. I mean do you

think there've been guys in

Tennessee or North Carolina that

all of a sudden start to

understand Western issues because

of the efforts of NACo and W IR

and your junkets back to

Washington?

Russ Cowley: what's fascinating

about that is if you go back and

you get involved with some of

those organizations and as I

mentioned with the NATO

organization. I was able to be on

the board and if you those

things. And what was funny about

it is I would go back and they

knew I was from Utah and the

first thing that they would

always say to me is they would

say okay Mr. Cowley tell us about

public lands because I was always

bringing up the public lands

issue of this area and so we've

actually had the opportunity of

bringing those folks back here on

this congressional briefing and

it's been very interesting to get

their reaction it's something

they haven't ever seen before.

They don't understand public

lands and is you start explaining

that to them and actually give

them an on the ground experience

it's funny to watch their

demeanor change and so it's a

great opportunity.

Chad booth: is that something you

think we need to do more of is

actually getting them from

Washington out here, so they can

see it firsthand. Is there

something lost in the translation

of you telling them about the

problem and then seeing it?

Tooter Ogden: very much so in a

were trying to be managed by

people in Washington that's 2000

miles away. And a lot of these

folks have never even been out

here on the federal lands in our

Chad. Obviously, you are about

76% of federal lands and a lot of

these people in the East they

don't understand that at all

because they have very little

federal land or very little input

on their federal lands. So were

trying and we continue to get

more involved with the people in

the East, that's one thing with

NACo you go back there and you

try to get with some of these

folks like the other

commissioners from the East try

to explain to them what our

concerns and what are issues are

we try to get onto these

communities so that we can make

an impact. We try to get them to

understand what's going on here

in the West.

Chad booth: will that solve some

of your problems as a six County

AOG I mean I know sometimes you

go to the Department of Interior

for some grants and things like

that for your counties in fact,

I'd like to spend just a little

bit of this time talking about

that part of the relationship.

The fact that because of you know

we've got P.I.L.T. issues. We've

got grants we've got things like

that. What is that part of that

connection with Washington

directly with counties?

Russ Cowley: well, if we are not

fighting for the rights of our

area. Nobody else is and so what

we've been talking about is

building those relationships and

to have that office closer to

actually where the lands are

would make that a lot easier for

the commissioners. I mean how

many trips do you guys go on back

to Washington just to present an

idea or two have to go back and

represent one of their proposals

for one of their private, public

land issues. And if it was in

here in Utah. They wouldn't have

to drive that far, and this is

where it's all taking place

anyway.

Chad booth: I guess a Wyoming

rancher wouldn't have that much

trouble getting there to a

hearing or anything.

Russ Cowley: no, no.

Tooter Ogden: it would be a

little easier.

Russ Cowley: but what's really

interesting about what you're

talking about is you take

P.I.L.T. and S.R.S. you take that

funding source away from the

counties and we have counties

that would probably go bankrupt

and you think about some of those

counties that have 97% public

lands, that's very difficult for

them to make up a difference of

P.I.L.T.

Chad booth: is that money, Tooter

that is direct money direct from

the federal government to the

County. It's not like filtered

through a state or region or

something like that.

Tooter Ogden: no, it comes right

directly to the County. We get

about 1,900,000 a year.

Obviously, that translates into

acres dollar wise. It's about a

dollar 80 per acre for Sevier

County, which is minimal for all

of the work that we have to do

out there. We have search and

rescue that has to go out and

help assist people when they have

accidents or problems on the

federal lands and it's important

we have that there's 49 states in

the United States that receive

some sort of a P.I.L.T., payment

and that's payment in lieu of

taxes. Obviously, we continue to

battle that because a lot of

these counties like Russ has

mentioned they rely heavily on

that and we put that into our

budget every year and then we

have to ask Washington.

Chad booth: to live up to the

commitment.

Tooter Ogden: to live up to the

commitment to that P.I.L.T.,

payment.

Chad booth: so, is that dollar 80

a lot less than Joel Jensen that

she would pay for an acre of

range lands that she owns

outright?

Tooter Ogden: sure, your

greenbelt is about a dollar 50 an

acre. If we could even get the

government to, to pay a dollar 50

an acre that would be substantial

for all of these counties what we

would really like to see is go

back to management of the forest.

That's what was originally taking

place before the P.I.L.T. was

introduced is they had to make

their forest pay their way and

that goes back to the logging

goes back to the grazing it goes

back to the managing of the

forest going forward.

Chad booth: well, there's some

headway that should and can be

made in that area, I kind of want

to finish up this conversation by

talking about we've gotten pretty

good with some of the events that

you hold of actually getting our

local delegations out there. Do

we need to get guys from South

Carolina out here on the ground?

Russ Cowley: yes.

Chad booth: how do we do that?

How are you going to bribe them

to get them to come here.?

Tooter Ogden: feed them and big

beefsteak ha ha.

Russ Cowley: well, that's one

thing that's been fascinating

about our congressional ride a

lot of people go out and they

bring folks out and they'll put

him on a golf course we put them

on ATVs and it's been amazing

when we've tried to encourage

folks from back east to come out

here that ATV ride is something

that really intrigues them and so

we have been successful in

bringing some staff from other

organizations other congressional

members on the Democratic side.

For example, we tell them or not

going to convert them to be a

Republican. We just want them to

see what public lands is really

about and will give you an ATV

ride and then encourages them to

come out and we can talk more

about that a little experience

but no it's been really good that

way and I think if we can

continue to encourage that kind

of activity and have something to

bring folks out that is

attractive then I think that we

can bring people out here and

that's or working towards more

all the time.

Chad booth: well, this is been

most enlightening and in case

people are wondering what this

congressional ride is all about

that. The six County Association

has been engaged in were going to

tag along and were going to do

that when we come back on the

County seat.

Welcome back to the County Seat. Have

you even been in a conversation with

someone and you are trying to explain

something that you saw and finally in

exasperation you quip: "well you just had

to be there". That happens often when

you are trying to explain the effects of

government policy on a local community,

whether you are at the state capitol or in

Washington. So, to paint a better picture

to policy makers, a group of county

governments started taking state and

federal officials out to the problem just

so they could "be there". 22 years later

that effort is still paying off as we

discover in our "On the Ground"

segment.

We've invited our legislators back to visit our

county so we can show them our problems of

getting things done that we need done by the

legislators

Just for one of our guests we are four fifths the

size of Massachusetts,

Well we had a good ride to day about I don't

know 75 to 80 people on side by sides and 4

wheelers on the Fillmore loop on the Piute Trial.

I can tell you it's been a great chance to see

good part of our national forest and learn about

what we are going to have to do to protect our

forest here and to create more economic

development opportunities here in our real

counties.

The main empties behind the governors

Roadless rule petition is to get in and do active

management so we can have better watersheds

cleaner air coming through Spanish Fork this

morning you had to cut the air with a knife

My name is Zack George I am a legislative

assistant at the national association of counties,

I assist our lobbyist on environment energy and

land use issues and getting the opportunity to

come out here and really see some of the land

use issues up close and personal not being in

Washington DC and coming here and seeing it

in person has been an extraordinary experience

We brought them out here to show them our

land so that they know how 90% of our

property owned by the government affects us,

Well at an event like this you get a chance to

talk to a lot of commissioners and folks

responsible for the preservation of our natural

resources but one of the areas that was very

interesting was listening to someone who helps

manage a large ranch operation and grazing

cattle are one of the elements we can use to

fight wild fires.

I think a lot of that stuff could be avoided by

managing I think there are so many people out

there that have the wrong idea about cattle and

don't think they are a benefit

We had a great turn out today it's a good event

a lot of knowledge from different people that

we haven't talked to before it really helped us

to know where we stand and I think it helped

them to know where they stand with us, great

turn out

I think it's helpful to bring people here from the

Nation's Capital here we got congressmen here

we got members of the staff of people in

Washington , they need to see our public land

they need to understand what's going on our

public land they need to understand why it's so

important for us to thin the forest to be able to

graze on the land to have multiple use so that

people of Utah and the Country can take

advantage of these extraordinary resources,

and that's hard to do if your just sitting at a

desk in Washington, you imagine everything is

Bryce National Park well there are millions and

millions of acres that are more than just Bryce

National park and they need to be thoughtfully

managed and that's something that will

hopefully be better understood by the people in

DC as they come on outings like this.

The six county association of

governments, who oversees the annual

event tells us that they have played no

favorites in where to take these rides. By

the year 2020 each county in the group

will have hosted the event 3 times. The

largest group to show up was also in the

most remote location, at Notch Peak in

Millard County with 103 riders. We will

be right back with some closing thoughts.

Welcome back to the County Seat. It is

surprising how much direct interplay

there is between the federal government

and our Washington representatives and

the counties. Of course, most of the

attention goes to the policy side with

frequent trips to meet with congressional

delegations from our state and others.

But there have been frequent trips where

county officials have been needed to

smooth out regulatory bumps with the

different federal agencies whose

administrative regulations have direct

impact on life here at home. Often those

visits by your local officials are the most

important of all. Federal regulators in the

executive branch, never are held

accountable to the people they regulate

as they are not elected. Frequently, the

people making policy aren't even

appointees of the White House so there

is almost no accountability for the harm

their policies can and do bring to local

communities. The only way to address

this inequity is to have local governments

engage with regulators face to face. So

when your county commissioner flies to

Washington on business, don't assume

they are there for the free tours of the

Smithsonian, it has been our experience

that their agendas are filled with

meetings trying to make things better for

you at home. It is often easy to look at

the time out of the County Seat as county

funded fun, but the work they do is

necessary and important to keeping a far

and distant branch of government on the

same page as those of us here at home.

It has been my experience that counties

with leaders who choose to withdraw

from interacting with other counties, the

state and federal peeps on their own turf,

often lose the very contact and clout they

need to advance any agenda healthy to

the home team. That is my two cents

worth for today. Thanks for watching.

You can watch this again by visiting our

YouTube channel, going to Facebook or

our website. If you follow our social

media, you will be able to join the

conversation and stay abreast of things

happening across the state. We will see

you again next week, on the County Seat

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