Hey there, this is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience.
Now in this episode today we're going to talk about long distance relationship advice or
LDRs.
Okay.
Now I don't know what's going on, but probably about a third to maybe one half of the people
that write in to me with some sort of question or other seem to be in some sort of long distance
relationship.
And I want to address this because this is obviously something that a lot of people seem
to be dealing with.
And I want to help you get this sort of long distance thing figured out.
First and foremost, I want to address the elephant in the room, which is that I would
not recommend that anybody voluntarily enter into a long distance relationship.
Long distance relationships are much more difficult than a relationship where you are
in the same location as the other person.
It requires a whole lot more trust.
There is a whole lot more room for limiting beliefs to grow, for fears and insecurities,
to grow for thoughts like, hey, why is it you keep hanging out with this person named
Tom is, are you cheating on me with him?
Or something like that.
So I would not voluntarily suggest going into a long distance relationship.
Okay.
So what this means is if you're dating, and you're signing up with like maybe an online
dating website or something just look in the city that you live in.
I know that might be like, well Duh for some people, but not everybody does that.
Some people like, okay, you know, I live in Los Angeles, let's just find somebody who
is attractive in the United States and suddenly they're talking to somebody who is in Chicago
or New York or whatever and they're suddenly quickly developing into a relationship with
somebody who lives on the other side of the country or possibly on the other side of the
world.
And then they put themselves into a difficult situation where it's like, okay, well what
do we do now?
How are we going to handle this?
This is really difficult.
I'm jealous.
You're jealous.
All of this stuff.
When I signed up for match.com, back in the old days, I actually intentionally only looked
within the Phoenix metro area, which is where I was living at the time.
Sometimes you kinda get tired of seeing the same people over and over and over again.
But I didn't want to have that long distance relationship experience.
If it was something that I could avoid.
I kind of ended up in a long distance relationship before I did all that online dating with one
of my exes because she went away to this college out in the desert.
You know, I lived in Seattle, she went to college on the other side of the mountains.
It was only about a two hour drive away, but back then as somebody who didn't own a car,
that was kind of a big deal, you know, I had to go get a Greyhound bus ticket and all that
stuff.
And it was kind of a big hassle to go visit her for her to come visit me.
And so, even though we were only maybe about a hundred miles away from each other, we still
had that whole long distance thing and there was still a lot of room for those insecurities,
those fears, those limiting beliefs and all of that to grow.
And, you know, yeah, we did have our issues because of that.
And that's something that I did not want to do again when I started online dating when
I was in Phoenix for graduate school and I was looking to get a girlfriend, through either
online dating or through, you know, just meeting people in person.
I mean, obviously if you're meeting people in person, you're less likely to end up in
a long distance relationship, unless, you know, it's like, Hey, I'm only in town for
business, I'm going to be going back to wherever next week or something like that.
You know, that's one possibility.
But if that is the case and you are not wanting to go into a long distance relationship, you
can just disqualify that person right there.
Right? and that just leaves you with more space for dating people that are in your own
area.
I understand as well that sometimes you meet somebody in the same area as you, the same
city as you, and then the twists and turns of life cause one of you to move away to another
place for work or school or whatever, right?
And then you suddenly we're in a normal relationship where both of you are in the same place and
then suddenly you find yourself in a long distance situation and that's an entirely
different circumstance right there.
If you are in that particular situation, then what I would recommend is number one, only
do it if there is a high degree of trust between the two of you.
Okay?
If you don't trust each other, then this is just going to exacerbate that situation and
make it like 100 times worse.
Okay?
And it's going to just really tear the two of you apart emotionally or actually leading
to the point of a breakup.
Make sure that you cultivate a high degree of trust.
One way that you can do that is through a code of transparency, right?
So actually number one, being integrous with what you say.
So if you say yes, I will call you tonight at 7:00 than actually do that.
Don't just not show up, not call them and then just leave them wondering what happened.
Did you get together with Tom?
Have to work or something like that.
No, like actually let them know or if you can't talk because something came up, just
say send them a text message or something that says, Hey, I have to work late today.
Something came up, whatever.
My friend is been sent to the hospital, I don't know, whatever.
And let them know, right?
Don't just leave them hanging.
Another thing that you can do is to adopt a code of transparency, right?
So if things do come up, actually let them know about that.
Be Very transparent about what's going on.
Let them know we're what you're doing throughout the day.
Like, yeah, I'm going to lunch now with this friend.
Oh, I'm, I'm out with this friend right now.
Would you like to talk to both of us together, you know, have them meet your friends so that
there isn't so much of that space in their mind for those limiting beliefs to grow where
they think, oh yeah, Tom is hitting on you, or something like that.
And then they become super jealous or whatever.
Just keep that in mind.
Another thing that is actually really helpful if you are in a long distance relationship
is to make a concerted effort to spend time with one another.
You know, of course you're probably going to be spending a lot of time on the phone
or talking on skype or something like that.
But actually if it makes sense, if it's possible, go and visit one another, take turns going
from where you live to where they live or for, or have them go from where they live
to where you have an actually spend time visiting one another because actually seeing each other
in person, that is incredibly helpful.
That does help to maintain that close emotional bond that sometimes you just don't get if
you're just talking on the phone or texting or something like that.
Okay.
Because we all want to be in relationships with the actual people.
We don't just want to have some sort of text relationship or some sort of email relationship
or even a phone relationship.
We actually want to be close to somebody.
We actually want to feel that person's physical presence.
We want to have that physical body contact and all of that.
So that's definitely important is to have times scheduled that you coordinate together
where you can go and visit one another or possibly even meet somewhere in between or
in some third location.
That.
That's also a great possibility as well too.
It's also a good idea to have a sort of goal on the horizon about when the two of you are
not going to be long distance anymore.
Maybe it's when the work reassignment ends, you know, maybe it's going to be a couple
of months or something and then after that you can move back to the same city and then
it'll be over.
Or maybe it's when you get out of college or maybe it's when some other circumstance
sort of resolves itself and then the two of you can be together again because it can be
very discouraging to have a long distance situation that goes on indefinitely and to
have sort of a finish line as psychological end date to this thing to know that it's not
just going to drag on forever and, you're actually going to be able to be a physically
in the same place couple again, that is actually a very reassuring thing.
So definitely make sure that you can do that whenever possible.
Another thing that would also help you with long distance relationships is when you do
see each other or even just when you're talking to each other or texting with each other,
share like mundane things about your lives with one another.
Okay.
Because oftentimes when we get together and see each other in a long distance relationship,
we want to do these like really big, grandiose, romantic things, you know, weekend getaways
to the countryside or romantic dates or over the top kinds of gestures.
And that's all good.
And wonderful and everything, but then we start to associate our partner with this sort
of grandiose kind of lifestyle and that can actually be a lot of a letdown when it comes
to the two of you actually coming together again and actually being in a relationship
in the same location.
You know, you might start to think, oh, whenever we see each other, we have these grand romantic
getaways, we have these big gestures and all of that.
You start to expect that that's what the status quo is going to be.
But if you do that and then you come together and it's just, you know, doing the dishes,
washing the laundry, you know, just grocery shopping, stuff like that.
Then that can be kind of a little bit of a letdown.
So let your partner see the day to day life of what's going on in your life.
Some of the mundane things.
Just let them know, hey, I'm out grocery shopping right now.
Do you think, can you think of any great recipes that I can make with the following five ingredients
or something like that.
These are like little ways to let them see into your day to day life, your mundane life
because that's going to help them to get a better idea of who you really are and so you're
not just going to be this sort of caricature of like an over the top romantic person.
That may be something that is nice to experience, but it might not be something that's really
genuinely you or even something that's really sustainable over the long haul because you
want them to know what they're getting into.
And the best way to do that is to portray an accurate representation of what your life
is like and what life with you might be like when the two of you come together.
Now, when it comes to long distance relationships, when there are issues in long distance relationships,
you know, one of the things that we often talk about is changing the way that you bring
yourself to the relationship.
Changing the way that you communicate with somebody else, changing the way that your
way of being is.
As you are bringing yourself to these interactions through things such as the advanced relational
skills, through awareness, through empathy and all that stuff, and people often ask,
well, how are they going to see that I'm changing the way that I'm bringing myself to the relationship
if it's over long distance?
Well number one, stop texting.
Okay.
If you're just relying on texting solely, then of course they're not going to be able
to see any dramatic changes because you're just using words.
You're just saying things like, what's up?
How's it going?
I'm doing good.
And you know, of course like if you're just saying stuff like that, nothing major is going
to change, right?
They're not going to get it.
So try to talk on the phone, try to talk through video chat, try to visit them in their place
of location or have them come to your place of location, if that's at all possible, just
demonstrate those changes through the way that you bring yourself through the tone of
your voice through the way that you're interacting with them, even through the questions that
you are asking, you know you can demonstrate a change in your way of being through text
message.
If suddenly you're asking different questions, suddenly you're saying different things.
Suddenly you're, I'm a little bit more authentic to who you are.
Suddenly you're asking questions that you actually want to know the answer to you rather
than just polite questions like, what's it like?
How's the weather over there?
Stuff like that, and suddenly you're like, Hey, are you afraid that you might not get
that job promotion?
Or if you're just being real, then that can absolutely show a change in the way that you're
being in that dynamic.
So that's definitely another way that you can demonstrate that change as well too.
Once more, try to have some sort of end date to the long distance because a long distance
relationship is going to be difficult.
It's going to be much more difficult than a regular relationship.
Just there is so much more space for jealousy, for insecurity, for BS limiting beliefs and
all of that to grow in the absence of actual physical presence on a day to day basis.
And so try to make sure the long distance period is not indefinite.
Um, try to make sure that it is something that there is a finish line to and that's
something that both of you can work towards, something that both of you can be excited
about because, I think everybody who is in a relationship with somebody else, everybody
who isn't a long distance relationship, who is serious about that relationship wants there
to be someday when the two of you can come back together again.
And I think that if you can create that sort of a destination, that sort of goal, that
sort of finish line, that is going to be something that is incredibly helpful for the two of
you.
So, that's my long distance relationship advice.
With that being said, let's go over and see what sorts of questions the students that
are enrolled in our modern love association are asking today.
Okay.
Our first question is from Gigi.
Gigi writes in and says, hi Clay.
Thanks for your advice a few weeks back about really understanding from where my ex is coming.
After our setback of my ultimatum comment, I worked to bring myself and him to a place
of better connection.
I understood that he was not indeed willing to get as close to me again as he had been
in March, due to possibly feeling scared or uneasy that he can trust that I've changed.
I accepted that the romance we shared earlier in our reconnection would not be coming back
at this point as he was likely turned away by my mess up that month.
The last few weeks I have been consistent with my approach and slowly have noticed he
is opening up again.
He mentioned a few sweet comments of quote wishing I was on vacation where he was so
we could go on adventures together and quote and he has come to me a few times about some
issues that he's having a work.
It is still just about two small exchanges per week, but I'm glad he's opening up a little
bit more.
The trouble is that since I'm still in long distance I guess and can't be in his city
anytime soon due to some health stuff he is aware of how can I inspire hope in him from
a long distance.
I feel he has slowly begun to lose enthusiasm.
He had in the beginning of our reconnection, partially due to my setback behavior that
time and also due to not being in town yet.
I feel like I'm trying to keep an emotional connection, but he makes comments like, yeah,
but you're not here.
So.dot, dot.
What are your best tips for an inspiring hope in this time for him despite not having a
specific date of return?
At this point though, he knows my plans to move back.
Thanks Gigi.
Okay, Gigi.
So we just went over a lot of advice, long distance relationships in this week's introduction
section to this Q and A, so I would definitely recommend that you refer back to that and
review that and see how you might be able to implement a lot of those into your situation.
But beyond that, I want you to consider something if you could weaken the connection between
you and your ex at a distance by doing something like an ultimatum.
It also makes sense that you could strengthen the connection at a distance between you and
your ex.
So if you can weaken something, that means that you can also strengthen something regardless
of the conditions that are in play, long distance or whatever.
Right?
All you have to do it, and this really isn't a tip so to speak, because tips aren't really
very effective because tips or things that people generally tend to do to plaster over
or bandaid over a systemic problem and tips are not a solution to a systemic problem.
You need fundamental change to overcome a systemic problem, but if there is a systemic
problem, it would be in the way that you're bringing yourself to the interactions, right?
There was a way that you are bringing yourself to the interactions with him that caused you
to think that making an ultimatum would be a good idea that caused you to have this setback.
Okay?
And so if you want to change the direction that things are going, you have to change
the way that you are bringing yourself to the interactions so that you're not just having
these interactions that have set backs that cause you to backslide, that caused you to
say things that you regret or something like that.
And also not just having interactions that are kind of plastic and polite and don't really
do anything.
And it's just like, how are you?
I'm good, thanks.
What is up?
Nothing is new.
How are you?
you know, there's just back and forth and there's just noise and it doesn't really add
up to anything.
So you have to ask yourself, what kind of person does he want to be in a relationship
with?
I mean, you obviously spent time with him.
You' obviously were in a relationship with him.
You know his personality pretty well.
What kinds of things do you think that he would be looking for in a relationship with
somebody else and then ask yourself how many of these qualities you embody and then ask
yourself, okay, if I don't embody all of these qualities, what would I need to do to embody
these qualities so that he would want to be in a relationship with me?
Does it mean that you have to be more empathetic?
Does it mean to you have to be a little bit more understanding, doesn't mean that you
have to be a little bit more compassionate.
Does it mean to you have to have a little bit more patients?
I mean, I don't know you, you know him pretty well, so I would really suggest that you look
at these areas in your life and start to look at how you can start to embodies not in a
sort of tip kind of way where it's like, here's five tips to make it look like you're more
patient.
You actually are.
Or here's five tips to make it look like you have empathy when really you don't, but I
would actually look at like, why might you be lacking on some of these things and then
try to incorporate those into your life in a genuine and authentic way, right?
Because things such as discipline, things such as patients, things such as empathy,
these are all skills that can be learned and they can be developed and as you start to
learn and develop them, they'll start to come more naturally to you and they'll actually
become second nature to you because really I believe that a lot of these skills are actually
things that are normal to the human experience is just that we don't really allow ourselves
to access them because we let limiting beliefs, we let bs thinking we let all kinds of other
stuff, side rail, and derail our, our thinking process so that we don't have access to these.
Okay, so I hope this helps you out Gigi, and please keep us updated on how things go moving
forward.
From here, our next question is from Vixen.
Vixen writes in and says, hi Clay.
Thanks for the advice last time.
I guess I should just use my own judgment if I should bring up talking about his rebound
relationship and any drama that is associated with that.
Since he did not bring it up to me and I found out from other people, do you think that there
would be a good way of doing this so he is not in more reactance because he might think
I'm checking up on him via mutual friends.
However I did get what you mean about how people are is how they're likely to stay in
reference to my ex's lack of response to me recently and in general, but he has responded
to me in the past just stops again and he also wasn't like this when we were dating,
so I don't really believe that it's part of his being per se.
I had been working on practicing acceptance more though.
And what you teach about letting go.
Is there anything else I can do to work on this and what is the best way to reach out
to him?
If I want to bring up his silence, I've done it before by texting him about empathetically,
understanding that he might be confused right now, but my approach hasn't been working and
I don't know what else I should be doing, if anything.
Thanks Vixen.
Okay, so when it comes to practicing, letting go, we have lots of exercises inside of many
of our courses on this topic, so those would obviously be a great place to start.
But beyond that, I think a good place to start is to really ask yourself if you can accept
the situation that you are in.
Can you accept emotionally that your ex does not want to respond to you or responds only
sporadically.
Can you accept that?
Like can you actually accept that can be emotionally okay with the fact that he either won't respond
to you or he might respond to you, but then he'll stop after maybe one or two back and
forth exchanges.
Can you be emotionally okay with this?
If you cannot be emotionally okay with it, then you're not accepting it.
Okay.
If you can be emotionally okay with it, then that is a great step towards emotional acceptance.
Okay.
Now keep in mind there is a difference between accepting it and just saying like, yeah, okay,
that's cool.
Whatever.
I'm just gonna, let it be whatever it is and I'm not going to do anything.
And then there's acceptance with yes, I accept that this is something that is actually happening
and because of that and because of this as not being something that is an ideal outcome,
I would like to experience something different.
There's a big difference between those things.
Okay?
And so I would really suggest sitting in your situation, really soaking it in, really letting
it be okay emotionally letting it wash over you.
Okay?
If there's a part of you that's resisting, that's saying, no, how can this be?
I refuse to accept this or something like that, then that is something for you to work
on.
But if you can be okay emotionally with the fact that this is happening, then that is
a great place to begin.
Emotional acceptance.
And you also asked what is the best way to reach out to him? if I want to bring up his
silence, well the best way to reach out to him is to imagine that you are him and imagine
that you as him have been silent and have not been responding to a Vixen the way that
maybe she wants to and that you've just been responding to her the way that you have been
responding to her.
And then imagine that one day Vixen contacts you and that based off of the way that she
has contacted you, you feel touched, moved and inspired to respond and also to be in
more contact with her now.
What do you think you would have to say?
What emotion do you think you would have to connect with him on in order to trigger this
response on him?
Okay.
And I'm not saying this is some sort of riddle because I secretly know the answer or something
like that, but I'm asking you this because you know him better than I. do you know him
better than probably anyone else listening to this would know him.
Okay.
And what I think the big takeaway from this is that you know him the best, which means
that you know how to get through to him the best.
All you have to do is just connect the dots.
So like right now, here you are with a blank slate.
You don't know what to say to him and you know him.
You know his emotions, you know his personality, you know what he likes, you know what he dislikes.
All you have to do is connect the two, okay?
You want an outcome.
He is not giving you the outcome.
You know his personality.
All you have to do is communicate to him in a way that touches moves and inspires him
to want to do something different.
Okay?
So that is how I would communicate with him to bring up the silence.
I would do it in a way that causes him to feel good on an emotional level that causes
him to want to connect with you on an emotional level that causes him to be rewarded by connecting
with you on an emotional level.
So that he really feels like stepping into that level of communication that you want
with him.
You've also said that you've been doing this by texting him about it empathetically and
understandingly, but what if the answer isn't about texting him at all?
What if it's about picking up the phone and hitting dial?
What if it's about actually talking to him face to face or at least over the phone?
What if that was the way that you could get across to him and it wasn't just about emojis
or stickers or words in a little chat bubble or something like that.
What if it was about you actually talking?
That might be something to consider right there.
Okay, so I would really consider working on these things.
Remember, whenever you're communicating with somebody that you want to form an emotional
connection with, the best thing to do is to consider how what you're going to say to them
is going to impact them on an emotional level and how that is going to change the emotional
connection.
You know, we just talked to Gigi who delivered an ultimatum, which did not feel good on an
emotional level, which weaken emotional connection, so you know, if you were thinking of doing
an ultimatum, that might be something to consider.
Okay?
Ultimatums generally don't feel good emotionally, so if I want to have a good emotional connection,
maybe an ultimatum isn't the way to go.
Just think about where the other person's emotional connection is with you.
Think about how they would be emotionally influenced by what you're considering doing
and just remember that you have to ascertain where their emotional state is and then if
you want to influence them in a certain way, inspire them in a certain way.
You have to take their emotional state where you believe it is and you have to align it
with what you want so that both of those two things are congruent with one another.
Okay, so I hope this helps you out, Vixen, and please keep us updated on how things go
moving forward from here.
Okay.
Our next question is from Clyde.
Clyde writes in and says, hi Clay.
There's one particular belief or assumption that I have about women, which doesn't seem
to go away because I always find events that prove it right.
Maybe you can help me see how much of it is true and how much is just my own story.
This assumption is that if I pursue a woman that is, if I show interest in spending time
with her, I will unavoidably push her away and if I stay away and look uninterrupted,
who will be more likely to reach out?
The belief is about women specifically.
It seems that guys don't work this way, so it might sound like a sexist statement, but
it just fits the behavior of many women that I've known besides.
It also fits with the advice that I see so many other places on the Internet.
My question isn't about strategies, though I agree that it is important to be genuine
and to not act uninterrupted.
I am wondering about whether it is actually true that feeling pursued genetically makes
women want to run away, and if it is, how can a guy like me avoid triggering such a
response?
Thanks Clyde.
So one thing is that feminine energy, which you know, you could probably elaborate on
and say that this applies to women, but you know, not all women are feminine and not all
men are masculine, but feminine energy enjoys being desired.
It enjoys when somebody desires it.
Okay.
Or at least when the right somebody desires it.
Like, you know, nobody wants some sorta like stalker to desire them.
That's just kind of weird, right?
But if it's the right person, then they enjoy when that kind of person desires it in that
respect, you know, some women might pull away because they have this belief that, you know,
you gotta play hard to get men need the thrill of the chase or are we all want and we can
have or some other, you know, fortune cookie bs advice or something like that.
And that is definitely one aspect to it.
Another aspect is that, you know, attractive women, they receive attention all the time
and a lot of that attention is unearned, right?
So it's unearned, which means, you know, they're just like walking down the street or something
and they are construction workers calling them, hey baby, what's up?
Gorgeous.
You want to come hang out with me?
Or you know, just stuff like that.
And you know, all the woman did was wake up, get out of bed, maybe, I don't know, put on
some makeup, put on an outfit that probably looks somewhat attractive and go somewhere.
Right.
She didn't do anything.
She just, she's just going about her day.
She's getting all this attention from people.
So it makes sense that in circumstances like that a woman might pull away, might distance
herself from those people because that interaction doesn't feel good because that's unearned
attention.
If it's earned attention where it's, you know, she's investing into the interaction, she's
telling you about something that she's passionate about or something and you reward her and
say, hey, that's really sexy.
When I hear you talking about that kind of thing that you're interested in that, you
know, it really turns me on.
You can't talk about that anymore.
I'm just going to be so turned on, I can't stand it any way you go about something like
that that's earned attention, that's earned attention because she put effort into the
interaction.
She told you something that she's passionate about.
She was investing something into that interaction.
So even though it's small, that is still some attention that's earned on her part.
So that makes sense.
Right.
That makes sense to her.
She can understand why you might be turned on or attracted or want to continue talking
to her or something like that because she revealed a little bit about herself.
She was vulnerable in a certain sort of way by telling you something that was important
to her.
Something she was passionate about, something that she was dreaming of doing.
You know, all of that stuff.
Right?
That kind of attention.
I think most women that aren't playing games with you that also are at least open to the
idea of being attracted to you.
They will probably respond positively to that kind of attention and they won't pull away.
Okay.
If they're a hard note to you, you'd be just because they're flat out not attracted to
you for any number of reasons that may or may not be a your doing or because they have
been indoctrinated through so much, you know, Oprah relationship advice, cosmos advice and
stuff like that.
Talk show advice that just says, you know, you got to play harder to get we all and can
have all that bs.
Then they might just be doing it out of just, you know, impulsive reflex, right?
Guys seems interested in you got to pull away.
Right? and maybe that works for guys that are very desperate, but if you actually meet
a woman who is open to the idea of being interested in you, right?
Because when you go up and you talked to a woman, there are three possibilities, right?
Either she is already attracted to you.
Great, that's cool.
You're already got a leg up there.
Either she is not attracted to you and there's probably not a whole lot you can do about
that very little really, or most likely she's uncertain whether she's attracted to you or
not because she hasn't gotten a chance to know you well enough.
The two of you haven't had a conversation well enough or something like that, and if
she is already attracted to you or if she is open to being attracted to you and she
is not the kind of person who is either going to intentionally or instinctively play games,
then she will probably respond positively to your attention that is earned by her investing
into the interaction.
Okay.
So I hope that helps you out.
Clyde, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
Our next question is from Mike.
Mike writes in and says, hi Clay.
I've been in active no contact for almost three weeks.
I was hoping that the level of reactants of her would be going down, but today I just
received a text from her that said, quote, I think it would be a good idea for you to
pick up the things that I have of yours.
You might need them end quote.
It felt very cold and calculated.
I responded with quote hi, I know I will get them.
I have just really needed time to heal before I reached out to you.
I really appreciate you understanding that and giving me space end quote.
She said, quote, okay, I understand.
That's fine.
If you want to wait end quote.
I was feeling confident and like I was grasping all of the concepts in your teaching, but
now I feel like I am faltering.
We spoke on the phone against my better judgment, but I need to get my stuff for hunting that
she has at her house.
She raised her level of reactance.
When I brought up the recent history of some actions that I unknowingly did, it didn't
feel very good to hear those things, but I took it on the Chin and told her that she
was absolutely correct and apologized for them because I was actually at fault.
She also said that things were done between us and she never planned on dating me again,
that our personalities clash and she doesn't ever want to put herself in that situation
again.
I told her I was okay with being friends, but she then said that she wasn't sure if
that was a good idea anymore either.
After we hung up, I sent her a text message and said, thank you for your honesty today.
It means a lot to me that you were able to tell me those things.
It hurt to hear, but I do respect and appreciate that you could convey that to me end quote
so question, why did my ANC trigger more reactance and is this a start to healing for us since
I heard her out and this is the first time she's told me these things.
I did all the levels of the advanced relational skills.
Whereas acceptance, composure and communication and boundaries and how do I know if I should
continue to push forward for this relationship I want to, but I also don't want to be hurt
again by pursuing something that isn't reachable.
Okay, so the first question is why did my ANC trigger more reactance?
And the simple answer to that is because it felt bad on an emotional level.
Now, I don't know what the context of you going into ANC was.
Did you just fall off the face of the earth or did you tell her, hey, I just want to let
you know I'm not going to be in contact with you right now.
I need some time to focus on, dealing with the breakup and my emotions and healing and
all that stuff.
Like what exactly did that look like because if you just fell off the face of the earth,
she might have been hurt on an emotional level by that.
Another possibility is that as you went into ANC, she had more time to reflect on some
of the things that happened between the two of you.
So maybe if there were interactions where the two of you had some sort of big argument
or there some sort of hurt feelings or something like that.
She had more time to reflect on those more time to stew on those emotions.
And because of that she became more and more and more upset.
That definitely could be a thing there as well too.
Also during the ANC period, I'm just things outside of your control may have happened
to like maybe she got together with some of her friends who were saying things like, Oh
yeah, Mike, I never liked him.
Anyway.
He was, yeah, let me tell you the story about the this awful thing he did or something,
or maybe she found some little piece of memorabilia or something that made her remember something
that happened in the past or something like that.
Right.
So there's all kinds of things that could have happened when it came to the ANC and
how it triggered more reactance.
But the bottom line is that something between the two of you is still unresolved.
Something between the two of you is still feeling bad on an emotional level and that
is causing the reactance to still be in place.
The second question you had was, is this a start of healing between the two of you?
Because you were able to have this conversation about the uncomfortable things that happen,
but, and all that stuff.
It potentially could be.
I mean, you know, the two of you were having this conversation about, some things that
happened, recent history and actions that you unknowingly did, and it, it felt good
to hear.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So, so when it came to all of this stuff, it definitely could be the beginning of healing
if you admitted that you were wrong to things that you genuinely believe you were wrong
about and if you apologize for them, if you genuinely believe that you needed something
to apologize for.
And if all of that stuff was in place, you know, she might've been holding onto this
resentment thinking that you weren't willing to take responsibility for something or other,
and then you actually did take responsibility for it.
So you're kind of you could have in that situation maybe taken some of the energy away from her,
a kind of resentment engine that was revving in the background.
So, without that being there.
Yeah.
Possibly.
That could be the beginning of healing.
I can't really say for certain at this point, there's really not enough there to make that
conclusion one way or the other.
So it is a potential, but I can't say for certain one way or the other.
When your third question is, how do I know if I should continue to push forward for this
relationship?
Okay.
So oftentimes people ask questions like this where it's, you know, should I keep going
or not and I want to make it clear.
I am not the one who decides if you should go after somebody or if you should not go
after somebody.
Okay.
You have to be the person that owns and takes responsibility for your own actions.
Okay.
Because if this doesn't work out, you can't just point your finger and say, oh, well it's
clay's fault that I wasted, you know, the certain amount of months or years or something
trying to get back together with somebody who didn't want to do it or no, you have to
own that.
Right?
Because I am not the one dating your ex.
I'm not the one trying to contact your ex.
I'm not the one trying to connect with your ex.
That has to be you.
Just like if the two of you do get back together, that has to be you as well too.
I can't just be me.
I don't want to be in a relationship with your ex.
I have zero interest in doing that.
I'm sure she was a nice person.
It's just that I'm already in a relationship that I'm pretty happy with.
So you have to own your own actions.
You have to own what you want.
Okay, so what you need to do is you need to think about whether or not this is the relationship
that you want to be in.
If it is and you still want to pursue and see where this relationship goes, then go
ahead and do that.
But if you don't want to be in this relationship, you don't want to go through the effort that
it might take in order to make this relationship work, and that's fine too.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with giving up on some.
There's nothing wrong with walking away from something if it's not what you want.
Just be okay with that and then be willing to step into whatever the next thing might
be.
But you have to decide on this.
Now I know you just want to know if this would be like a waste of time or if you might get
hurt or you know, first of all, you may very well get hurt.
Again, there's no way that I can promise you that you won't get hurt and unless you just
want to become like a hermit or something like that.
And I'd never be in a relationship with anyone again.
that's really the only way that you can not be hurt, but it's also not really a very rewarding
existence either.
But you probably will be hurt.
Whatever you choose to do, whether you choose to, you know, pursue this, whether you choose
to not pursue it, you probably will be hurt in some way or another.
I cannot give you a way to avoid being hurt aside from just, you know, becoming a hermit
or completely killing your emotions entirely.
But in which case, you know, what's the point of love?
What's the point of relationships?
If you're emotionally dead, so when it comes to that, really you got to be okay with the
fact that you might feel pain at some point, okay, and then when it comes to wasting your
time, it's only a waste of time.
If you haven't learned anything from the process, right?
It's only a waste of time if you haven't learned how to be a better person.
If you haven't learned how to have stronger connections, if you haven't learned something
from the breakup, from the relationship that you did have from the interactions with your
ex before or after or anything like that, if you haven't learned anything, then you
might see something as a waste of time, but if you have learned something, if you have
garnered something from the experience, then it could very well be the most valuable experience
of your entire life.
Okay?
But in terms of whether or not you should push forward with this, as you say, you got
to own that decision on your own.
You got to make that decision on your own.
You've got to own it.
You've got to be 100 percent behind it.
Okay, so Mike, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving
forward from here.
Our next question is from Akash.
Akash writes in and says, hello Clay, Congratulations for your daughter.
Well, Thank you very much.
I was in a relationship with Tara for a month last year.
She then left me saying that we are very different.
I tried to convince her once, but she refused and then I accepted it.
It would have been easier to get her back, but I went into depression and troubled her
for five months, which was involuntary on my side.
I also told her at the start that I was in depression.
While in depression, I made emotional calls and messages to her.
I went to her office to meet and dropped a love letter at her house.
She then really got scared.
I'm completely out of depression since February, but she has blocked me everywhere as I used
every possible way to reach her, like emails, messages, calls while in depression.
I did ANC for one and a half months and approached her in April and May, but now she avoids me
if I call and hangs up as soon as she gets to know that it's me not responding to mails,
messages, et Cetera.
Maybe she thinks that I have gone mad.
I sent her a voice message three weeks back saying that it all happened because I was
in depression and I was sorry, but no response.
Then I sent an email a week back asking if she had forgiven me and could we become friends,
but no response.
She gave me many chances to talk even though I was really weird, but I was in depression
so I couldn't respond well enough.
I'm doing ANC for three weeks now though.
I contacted her during it through email.
My question is if I call her now after finishing my ANC, should I ask her for a chance to explain
myself directly before she hangs up as it will be better talking directly than messaging
or sending an email or should I just start talking in a way that you have told to do
after ANC because I'm worried that I'm exhausting my chances when it comes to the reason why
she's probably very closed off is because the things that you did while you were depressed,
those obviously felt bad on an emotional level and those increased her level of emotional
reactions to the point where she currently now is not open to talking to you and hangs
up on you and just doesn't respond to messages and so on and so forth.
So you ask if after finishing ANC, should you ask her for a chance to explain yourself
directly before she hangs up as it will be better than talking or sending an email messaging?
so if you think that would feel good on an emotional level, then go ahead and do that.
Okay.
But you have to imagine what it would be like from her perspective.
Okay.
Imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of all of those messages that
you sent.
Of all of those love letters that you sent, what would you like to be on the receiving
end of showing up at your place of work?
What would that have felt like if you were her given the history between the two of you,
given everything that you've been through, given how their relationship was, how it ended,
what happened before, during, and after the breakup and all of that stuff.
You have to really imagine and see what things would be like from her point of view.
If you can see what they would be like from her point of view, then you will start to
know how you might want to respond.
Okay.
So you know her personality, you know you were in a relationship with you, spent time
with her, you talked to her, you got to know her and you also know how all the events happened
and if you can put yourself on the receiving end of all the things that happened that you
explained to me in your question here, then you can start to imagine what she might feel
like now, like we were talking about earlier, if you can imagine what she might feel like
you can kind of start to think about how you might approach her in a way that will meet
her where she's at emotionally and help to diffuse any degree of reactants.
Now again, I don't give like word for word scripts that you could use and instead of
actually thinking, right, like my approach is not to have you turn your brain off and
then just be some sort of Cyrano de Bergerac and just, you know, tell you what to say.
No.
Your job is to actually be present in the relationship, to be present in the interaction,
not to turn your brain off and just say some sort of script.
Okay, so what I want you to do is I want you to imagine that you're her.
Imagine that you've been through everything that you have put her through, through the
messages that you've sent her through the letters that you've sent her to the phone
calls that you've made to her through dropping by her work and all of those things, and then
I want you to say, okay, if I were her, I would probably feel this way.
What I feel anxious when I feel whatever, right?
Like I don't know, but just imagine based off of your knowledge of or how you would
feel, and then say, okay, well how do I want her to feel too?
I want her to feel eager to connect with wanting to feel happy.
Do I want her to feel a little butterfly in her stomach or something like that.
Okay, well what would it take to get her from where she's at right now emotionally shut
off to where you want her to be emotionally, which would be open, eager to interact or
something like.
Well, what would you have to say?
What would really get her to to, to transition from one point to the other?
Would you need to call her and make some sort of a little joke that would, that would open
her up and make her feel better?
Would it be some sort of confession where you say, Hey, I'm really sorry about all those
crazy things that I did before?
Honestly, I was depressed at the time and it caused me to not really act like myself.
I know that's no excuse for my actions, but I can only imagine how it made you feel scared
and afraid and anxious.
I don't want that to be how you feel around me and if it's okay with you, I'd love to
have a complete fresh start or something like that.
I mean, I don't know, but you have to be able to feel into the situation because again,
like what I said earlier, you have to be the one that is at the helm of your relationship.
You have to be the one that is living your relationship.
This can't be me getting your ex back for you.
This can't be me being in your relationship for you.
You have to do this for yourself.
Okay?
And I'm trying to teach you the skills that you can do this by putting yourself in her
position and seeing the world from her point of view.
Okay, so Akash.
I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
Okay.
Our next question is from Cindy.
Cindy writes in and says, hi clay.
My boyfriend broke up with me six months ago.
I took some time off to straighten up myself and gave him some time for things to settle
down.
We both genuinely care about each other.
He says he loves me, but doesn't have feelings for me anymore.
I guess his hurt feelings are clouding them.
I'm doing fine now and I thought this is the right time to work towards getting back together
with him to give an intro about my ex.
He is someone who will not verbally accept or comment on something and unless he is 100
percent sure himself due to various reasons, he does not know the kind of person that I
am.
Although we were in a relationship for two years, I was not in a mental state to be in
a relationship at the time and as a result did not pay attention to his needs and took
him for granted many times.
Now my main challenge for him is to get to know the true me better.
We have good conversations and in the last week or so I would say that it has gone deeper.
He also tells me that just because he speaks with me, he does not mean that he wants to
get back or venture out possibilities of us getting back together and he does not want
me to get my hopes up.
He is not dating anyone right now and is not looking out to be in a relationship.
He said he wants to be single, perhaps he's afraid of committing or is afraid of being
hurt.
Again, it is very difficult to get through to someone like him.
I'm in Boston and he is in San Francisco, which makes it even harder for me to get through
to him and connect.
We mostly talk through what's APP messages.
He does not text me by himself even if he wants to because he does not want to give
me hopes.
We texted each other almost every day and had conversations which let him know more
about me and about him, but it is pretty much stuck there.
I do not know how to take it to the next step knowing him.
He will not admit that he is confused.
He will only talk about it once.
He in fact wants to get back.
We met for a five day trip with mutual friends two weeks ago and I surely saw that he was
confused, that he has confused feelings for me.
He would stay by me and show care at times and sometimes be aloof.
How do I know him to be true when he is so far away?
We have lesser opportunities.
He stays mum when it comes to talking about how he feels.
It is difficult to gauge which phase he is as well based on what I have written about
my situation.
Can you tell which phase he is in?
Okay.
Cindy.
So I would guess that he's probably at the riding the dragon phase.
He seems to be quite confused about what he wants and how the two of you are going to
fit into each other's lives.
And I think that is really the driving force behind his confusion.
I mean you said that he doesn't even know the real you because you wouldn't open up
to him for two years.
So that makes sense.
You know, he doesn't really even know who you are.
So he's still in the process of discovering you.
He doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
He doesn't know if he couldn't be in a relationship with you.
So I think what would it really help him is for him to see more of who you are and for
him to know more about who you are so that he can feel more comfortable making that choice.
So I think vulnerability is going to be a good thing here.
It's going to help help him to understand more about who you are, more about what he
would be getting himself into if he did get back together with you and it would also help
him to truly understand what he wants as well too.
Again, right now I do imagine that he is in the riding the dragon phase just due to his
high level of confusion.
So I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
Our next question is from Janet.
Janet writes in and says, hi Clay.
Thanks for your answer from last week's relationship inner game.
I too have suspected that my ex as emotionally unavailable or has an insecure avoidant attachment
style.
Not just based on how he has behaved in our interactions, but from what I know of his
dating history.
He was recently out of a more serious relationship when we met, which may have contributed to
the degree of emotional unavailability, but it's possible he has longer stemmed issues
surrounding relationships and emotional availability.
I have two questions relating to this.
Number one, is it possible for emotionally unavailable people to go on dates or even
be in relationships you describe him as not wanting a relationship?
He would probably describe it as looking for a relationship, but hasn't found the right
fit yet.
I think in the past you've described this desire for perfection in a relationship as
a sign of emotional unavailability, and I agree with you and question number two.
In an old post where someone asked whether the advanced relational skills could help
with a commitment phobic.
I read Mika saying that the advanced relational skills work on anyone that compassion, empathy
and acceptance help our exes to deal with their own fears and anxieties around relationships
so that fear isn't a motivating factor anymore.
Is this no longer something that you and Mika believe in your answer last week?
You seem to suggest that there is nothing that I could do to change his emotional unavailability,
but does showing compassion, empathy and acceptance towards it.
Help at all.
Okay.
So your first question is, can emotionally unavailable people be go on dates or be in
relationships?
And the answer is yes, as long as those dates don't require them to be emotionally available.
And as long as those relationships don't require them to be emotionally available.
People that are emotionally unavailable often don't think of themselves as like, you don't
want be in a relationship.
Relationships are not for me.
Oftentimes they think I do want to be in a relationship.
I just haven't found the right person yet.
You know, the right person being some sort of embodiment of perfection who has no flaws
and thus does not exist on earth and so they find a way to date people and then disqualify
those people and then break up with them and then find somebody else and then date that
person and then disqualify that person.
And then break up with them and so on and so forth, and so they can go on this way for
quite some time.
They can even end up in relationships as long as those relationships are suitable to an
emotionally unavailable person such as a long distance relationship or a relationship where
I had just sort of has sort of vague nebulous boundaries and it's not very well defined
and it's like, oh, well, what do you mean I didn't cheat on you?
I thought we were in an open really, you know, just stuff like that.
Right?
And so things like that could definitely be the behavior of an emotionally unavailable
person.
And then your second question is about some posts that Mika made a long time ago about
advanced relational skills and opening up somebody who emotionally unavailable.
So first of all, I want to give my opinion, which is that emotionally unavailable people
cannot be changed by you.
They can be changed by themselves, but they cannot be changed by you.
How you bring yourself to an interaction can encourage somebody to open up or encourage
somebody to not be opened up, but their emotional availability is something that is not something
that you can really control.
Okay.
You can't make somebody who's emotionally unavailable, emotionally available.
That person can want to become emotionally unavailable or want to become emotionally
available on their own accord and that's totally something that can happen, but it has to come
from them.
It can't come from you, but assuming.
I mean it's not just a matter of that, but it's also a matter of how you bring yourself
to an interaction as well too.
You know, if you went on a date and you did, we're just like, hey, you know, screw you.
You want to.
I want to be in a relationship.
Did you?
I'm just looking for someone to have sex with or something.
Then that's probably not the best kind of foot forward.
You could put it right.
But on the other hand, if you went on a date with somebody and you were interested in them
and you ask them questions about themselves and you had a great emotional connection and
all of that stuff, then you know, yeah, that, that would be something that would probably
put you in a better position because how you bring yourself to an interaction obviously
matters when it comes to the outcomes that you get.
Now when it comes to Mika's opinion, that's really not something that I can comment on
because I'm not Mika, but let me just go ahead and pull Mika out of the other room here and
see if she can chime in and give a special cameo appearance this week and tell you what
her opinion is.
Hey guys, it's Mika here for those who aren't part of the modern love association.
My name is Mika and I am the Co-creator of the ex solution program and our programs with
Clay.
He's also my business partner and I also happened to be his wife and the mother of his child.
So, I mostly behind the scenes and right now I'm on maternity leave, so Clay pulled me
aside because Janet had a question directed towards something I said in the past and I
just wanted to give her some clarity.
So Janet, that advance relational skills, can deepen the emotional connection with anyone.
It's not just romantic relationships, but platonic relationships as well.
You're actually using the advanced relational skills, awareness, empathy, compassion, acceptance,
the communication skills that we teach inside our program and you're creating space to actually
have a real communication connection with someone, thus changing the dynamic of the
relationship and the quality of the connection.
So absolutely the advanced relational skills can help deepen the emotional connection.
But from your question, I just want to make it clear that there's a distinction between
deepening the emotional connection with anyone using advanced relational skills and trying
to get someone who is emotionally unavailable have the capacity to be emotionally available.
There are two different things going on there.
So, I just wanted to be clear that the advanced relational skills can deepen the emotional
connection, especially with how you bring yourself to the situation.
If you're bringing yourself to the situation or ready honing the advanced relational skills
and you know, you're coming from a place of authenticity, a place of organic way of being
rather than that mentality of doing right.
Like Clay, has mentioned this a few times in the past and previous, relationship inner
game experience episodes where he talks about the difference between doing and being.
And if you've practiced the advanced relational skills and really honed it into you into your
way of being and how you connect with other people, then the relational skills, it's going
to be effortless.
It's going to be easy on you to naturally be empathetic, naturally accepting of where
he's emotionally at an inspiring him to open up.
But if you're coming at it from this mentality of, okay, I'm going to pull empathy out of
my back pocket and use it to get them to open up.
Notice there's an authenticity there and it's not organic and you're coming from the mentality
of doing rather than being in this is this actually jeopardizes the possible connection
that you can be having with someone because you're focused on the ulterior motive here,
a hidden agenda of trying to get them to open up, trying to get them to see you in a different
light, trying to get them to be a different way with you and you're focusing more on that
outcome rather than the process of building that emotional connection.
So if I had to sum this all up, I would say that there is a big difference between making
somebody who doesn't want to open up emotionally, open up emotionally and actually bringing
yourself to an interaction in a way that causes somebody who wants to open up emotionally
to feel comfortable opening up emotionally.
Okay, so I hope that this explains everything for you, Janet, and please keep us updated
on how things go moving forward.
From here, our next question is from A. A writes in and says, hi Clay.
Prior to dating me, my ex was dating a woman who is manipulative and controlling.
When she found out that he was dating me, she started sending me harassing messages.
A few months ago.
He decided to get back together with her despite saying he wanted to continue the relationship
with me.
I did ANC and reached out to him in May.
He responded saying that he had been thinking of me and wanted us to talk more regularly,
then pulled away and reached out to me a bit later asking to reconnect.
He told me that he hadn't seen or spoken to his ex in over a month and had waited before
getting back into contact because he wanted to make sure that she was out of his life
completely during the following weeks.
We saw each other several times.
I would say that he was in the crisis point or maybe even new beginnings.
Initially he didn't want to call it dating, but was being physically affectionate and
asking to spend a lot of time together.
Later he was telling me about how much he wanted me in his future.
We were designed for each other and quote, et Cetera.
Then he stopped responding to my texts.
A few days later, he admitted that his ex had been evicted and had offered to pay to
stay with him.
He said that he was only doing it for the money and that they were not together.
I maintain composure, but told him that I was concerned for him in the past.
He had said that she was bad for his mental health.
We hit a few positive interactions afterwards, but then he started acting weird.
I decided to start ANC since I realized that he feels very guilty and that it's possible
for us to have a positive connection right now.
I'm pretty sure that he will reach out to me again when he is ready.
We have always had good emotional connections.
However, I'm wondering if you think that I should reach out to him and what timeline
you suggest.
I will continue to work on my advanced relational skills, of course, but this ANC is really
more because he is not an emotional state to connect positively.
Personally, I feel accepting of the situation and I'm just waiting until he is ready.
Thanks.
A. So to answer your question about whether I think that you should reach out to him and
what timeline that I would suggest, I would suggest that you would reach out to him if
you believe that interacting with him would feel positive and uplifting for you and for
him.
Okay.
And I would not recommend that you do it, before that it feels positive and uplifting
for both you and him.
Okay.
Now you might be wondering, well, how am I supposed to know if it feels positive and
uplifting until I actually do it?
And the best way to do that is to actually get some practice by using advanced relational
skills with other people in your day to day life.
This will allow you to build up a lot of these skills that we talk about in the advanced
relational skills section of our courses such as present moment awareness, such as empathy,
such as composure, such as communication skills.
Okay.
As you start to build these up, you'll start to notice them coming almost second nature
to you in your other interactions in your daily life.
As these start to become more entrenched into your way of being, you'll probably notice
that you're having better, stronger, more powerful, more meaningful interactions with
people in your life.
And that's a really big sign that you might be more and more ready and more and more likely
to have a positive interaction with your ex.
You know, we often say to practice in low stakes situations before going onto high stakes
situation, not because there's any objective.
Low stakes are high stakes kind of situation.
It really is all in your own mind.
But oftentimes people think of interacting with their ex as a high stakes situation.
And so they often psych themselves out.
They often overthink things which causes them to over analyze things as card system to over
invest in things.
And it causes them to hold themselves back and get out of composure and slip away into
just random tangential thoughts like, oh, am I sending Alpha body language signals or
Beta body language signals and stuff like that.
Right?
And so, I would really recommend you practice the advanced relational skills until you notice
that you're having some big changes in your ability to connect, bond with, and have emotional
connections with people in your day to day life.
And as that starts to change, you can take that as a big clue that things would probably
be different if you start interacting with your ex.
Okay?
So that would be when I would consider reaching out to your ex is when you believe that you'd
be able to have a positive emotional connection with him that would be both enjoyable for
you and enjoyable for him.
Okay.
So A, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
Okay?
So those have been a questions for this week.
Once again, if you like this, please go ahead and give us a thumbs up.
If you're on youtube or subscribe to the channel, if you're listening to us on Itunes, please
feel free to subscribe, obviously, and also leave a review of this podcast.
You know, if you like it, please go ahead and give us a five star review and give us
a positive review as well too, because that will help other people to find this podcast,
whether you're on itunes or on youtube or anywhere else, and also please feel free to
leave a comment down below letting me know what you think about everything that we've
talked about today, about long distance relationships.
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?
How did that go?
What sort of advice or tips would you give to somebody who's looking for help with long
distance relationships?
Anyway, this has been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life, and I hope that this has helped you improve
your relationship inner game.
Talking next time.
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