News on Youtube Nov 28 2018

What's up everyone?

Welcome back to Ask Dan Anything I'm Dan Munro, confidence coach and co-founder of BROJO and

today I'm going to be answering a question from the audience so to speak.

So I got an email from a young woman who's just lost her virginity to a guy and they

don't have any sort of established label on their relationship and she wants to know what

I think she should do about her current dilemma.

So I'm going to read out the question and I'm gonna go through my answer and we'll see

what everyone thinks of this.

So she says "I need advice, I don't know where this guy that I'm dealing with head is at"

t(hey're both under 20) "So I've known this guy for two months now.

He's taken me on several dates.

We don't have a title yet but we ended up having sex" (I'm gonna skip the next bit because

it shows some specific details that might give away who these people are).

But anyway, the sex went well but because he's shy and he knows that he took her virginity,

she feels that he doesn't know how to talk to her now, he doesn't know how to how to

come at her.

She wants to have sex with him again.

She also wouldn't mind pursuing an emotional connection with him, but because they don't

have a title, they don't have an official relationship she doesn't feel like she has

the right to kind of push him or challenge him about this.

She's saying "We could pursue an emotional connection but is it too late because we've

had sex now?"

So basically this guy's kind of gone a bit cold and weird it sounds like, since you guys

had sex, and you'd like to see him again but because you're not officially boyfriend and

girlfriend you don't feel like you can have the right to ask for what you want.

That's what I'll be addressing today.

So there's a couple of things to look at there.

Before I go into that, just to remind you that for those of you watching this, if you

want to get lots of confidence building videos and you want to develop your social skill

mastery, make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel.

You'll be able to do it below or you can click the BROJO logo that comes up at the end of

the video.

So we've got a few things going on in this question that I want to try and see if I can

apply to people generally as well as answer the specific person who wrote this in.

First and foremost, we'll get one option out of the way which is the "tap and gap" kind

of guy.

So for girls out there who have had sex with a guy and he suddenly sort of goes cold and

disappears, there's a hook-up culture type thing (this isn't what's happening in this

situation I'm sure) but if it was what I suggest is that this is actually about a preventative

measure.

If you're worried about guys just kind of using you for sex and then moving on - just

notching up the bedpost sort of thing - just hold out for a couple of dates, that's all

it takes to get rid of the old tire kickers you know.

And avoid online dating apps like Tinder and all these like quick-hookup apps.

Go meet people in real life, through your hobbies, through your circle of friends - it'll

be much less likely that you'll come across the kind of more predatory guys.

So let's get that out of the way coz that's not what this situation is.

Short answer: directly discuss what you're feeling or what you're thinking with the guy

okay.

Don't wait for permission.

Don't sit around waiting for a title to be formed or waiting for him to make the next

move.

Go to him and be direct.

Be willing to lose him rather than try to play it safe and not do anything that might

scare him away okay.

If he's gonna be scared away then scare him away - get it out of the way early.

If he's good for you, you won't be able to do that with honesty - being honest will just

draw him in.

So you can't really lose either way, it's already kind of predetermined.

Don't ask for what you want - tell them what you want, and then give them a chance to respond

and reciprocate, and a clear path they can follow.

Now what I mean by this is rather than saying to someone like "I want to be your boyfriend"

or sorry saying something like "Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?

What are we now?" or "Where's this going?" or "Can we see each other again?"

You can just say what you want.

which is "I'd like to see you again.

I'd like to take this further.

I want to have sex with you again."

You should be very direct with them, preferably in person if you can or on the phone - not

by text!

I know I sound like an old man for saying that but honestly text is just the worst form

of communication - it's just a cowardly, really like insecure form of communication.

But even if text is the best you can come up with, with your level of courage, go for

it.

Just say "Look, I want this" and give them clear guidance as to how they can show you

whether or not they're on board with this.

So rather than saying "Can I be... you know can we be girlfriend and boyfriend?"

You can say "Look I'd like to get into a committed relationship with you, if you're on board

with this call me back."

You know or "If this is what you want too, let me know.

" Just as kind of like I'm gonna give you this offer and here's how you show me that

you like this offer, and if I don't see that from you I'm gonna assume it's a No and I'm

gonna move on with my life.

And you can kind of give them this out - it's like either you're keen and here's how you

would show me how you're keen, or you're not and I'm gonna continue on, I'm not gonna chase

you."

Okay chasing is the worst because if someone's like scared and they're on the fence about

you, chasing them just makes it guaranteed that they're gonna run away.

Whereas if you say "Look this is what I want, here's all my cards on the table.

If you want the same thing get in touch" they're kind of free to decide.

There's no pressure or obligation.

They can just do nothing if they want, and you'll leave them alone.

The question you really asked "How can I ask for something if I don't have a title?"

Well no relationship actually needs a title.

A connection between two people is just a connection.

Those titles that we give it are just bullshit we make up to feel more secure about loyalty.

In reality, it's just connections and every connection needs boundaries and clear expectations.

You need to know what each other wants from the connection, and if the other person isn't

giving it then go first, lead, say "This is what I want and you need to tell me what you

want or we can't go any further."

There really needs to always be this option on your side that you will call it off if

certain respect is not paid to you.

If the other person is not reciprocating and not investing equally to you, you will end

the whole thing okay.

If you don't have that option available or you're not willing to take that option, then

you're powerless all right.

And then you'll always be doomed to like poor-fit connections.

Does sex cut off emotional availability?

Once you have sex is it all over?

Is the chance for emotional connection done?

Actually I think it's the opposite.

I think having sex often enables an emotional connection, especially with emotionally repressed

guys.

There's an old joke really that guys are they're most honest right after they cum, and it's

so true because it's the one time where we don't give a fuck how we're seen.

That's why some guys cry after sex I'm sure.

But actually having sex with someone is such an emotional event and it's such a vulnerable

event that it can be the gateway to a deeper connection.

I've always wondered how sexless relationships, like people waiting for marriage or whatever,

how deep their connection can be without it.

I know I can have deep connections with people without having sex with them, but it doesn't

mean that once you have sex, that's the level of emotional depth that you're gonna get to,

you just cut it off.

Actually you're just beginning okay.

Now you've seen each other naked, you've been inside each other, what's left to hide?

Your may as well let all the other stuff out too, you may as well talk about your secrets

and your relationship with your parents and how you really feel about each other and your

boundaries and your beliefs.

That gateway has been opened by sex, not closed by it.

The key thing - I've already said this but I really want to make the point again - never

leave a relationship in someone else's hands.

Never be the one waiting for their decision.

Always have this kind of independence where if somebody else isn't playing ball - they're

not respecting you, they're not reciprocating, they're not investing - you've got an option,

and that option is to move on with your life.

Never put yourself in a position where you're hoping somebody else will behave in a certain

way.

Ask for what you want, tell them what you want, however you want to phrase it, tell

them what they need to do to show you that they're going to deliver that and then move

on with your life okay.

If they're good for you they will come back in and say "No wait, I'm ready" and you won't

have to do anything extra.

You won't have to chase or pressure or manipulate or you know - what do you cal it, I've forgotten

the word - ultimatum!

You won't have to do any of that okay.

Now that was my answer for the general audience, but for you specifically - the girl who sent

this question in - you're both young and you're both inexperienced, so you can relax a little

bit.

You're not going to know the answers to all of this stuff, you have to figure it out.

You're actually going through the process of figuring it out.

It's not like you're lacking something.

You're both kind of shooting in the dark here.

He's as confused about this as you are, and his response isn't like - he probably isn't

being cold and hostile, it's more likely he doesn't know how to act.

He doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want to screw things up, so he's scared to do anything

at all.

He's kind of just playing it passive, hoping that something else kind of moves this forward

without him needing to take a risk.

There's no "right" way to deal with this.

It's a myth that people get like more mature as they grow up, really!

People my age and older are just as confused about these matters as you are!

There's no right way to do this you're gonna have to figure it out, the right way for the

two of you, not the right way in general.

But you and him just need to sit down, have a vulnerable conversation, like "What are

we doing?

This is what I want.

What do you want?

Let's figure this out one way or the other" and nobody can really tell you the right way

to do that because it's your connection with him.

It's nobody else's business - not mine, not anybody's okay.

You two get together, sort it out - your own unique solution to this between the two of

you.

So thank you for watching, I really appreciate feedback so leave your comments below, I love

to hear from you, and don't forget to subscribe so that you're the first to receive all our

latest social mastery and confidence-building tips, and if you enjoyed this video and you

would like me to answer one of your questions email me dan@brojo.co.nz for more support.

I respond to everyone, even though there's a bit of a waitlist, I'll get to you eventually.

Hope you enjoyed that see you next time.

Cheers

For more infomation >> Dating vs Relationship: signs he wants you to be his girlfriend - Duration: 11:29.

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Sharon Cuneta reveals important detail about relationship with Richard Gomez in the past - Duration: 1:26.

For more infomation >> Sharon Cuneta reveals important detail about relationship with Richard Gomez in the past - Duration: 1:26.

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Why Am I Insecure In My Relationship? - Duration: 11:19.

Why am I so insecure in my relationship? There might be some reasons for that. I

can help dig into the psychological aspects of that in this video.

Relationships are a place where we want to feel secure, confident like we've got

it and we don't very often. There's a reason for that and it has to do with

our focus. You know how in other videos I've talked about metacognition.

Metacognition is kind of a fancy word. But all it means is a higher level of

thinking, okay? Cognition means thinking. if we put that at this level,

Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking and notice that

you can do this. When you think about your thinking, you're in position to

learn some really powerful and important things about how your own mind is

processing this relationship and I think you'll see exactly what I'm talking

about as we go to this graph. In this box is our focus, alright? so think about your

thinking for a minute and think about where your focus is when you're in a

relationship. Is my focus on how I feel? That's this column. Or is it on how you

feel? 2 possibilities, right? So in this... In this relationship that you're

concerned about, there's you and there's the other person. I've written the

labels here in first person so that you can own it. Ask yourself. "Okay, is my focus

on how I feel? Or out with that person feels? That's what we're talking about

with the columns. Now, forget about the feelings for just a minute. We're going

to go to the rows about me or about you. That's what our rows

represent. So in addition to the feeling, we're getting to the content here. So

we've set up a little quadrant system. Now, as we look at this quadrant system,

you're going to be in one of these 4 boxes. And you probably bounced around a

little bit. But check out that relationship where you're feeling a

little insecure and let's just see why that's happening. When we're in this

first quadrant, I actually call this one the red quadrant, okay? And I color it red

in some of my presentations because this is where we don't really want to be. In

the red quadrant, my focus is on how I feel about me. See, it's all about me. Am I

good enough? Have I got this? Am I prepared? Do I know what I'm doing? Do I

think that I'm ready? Okay, these are all those red kind of thoughts. If we call it

the red quadrant. But it's just where our focus is all on how we feel about

ourselves. It's all about me how do I feel about me. See, how selfish that seems?

And what is the impact in a relationship? In your other relationships for example.

Think about how it feels when somebody else is all tied up in how they feel

about themselves. It's like, "Hello, anybody in there?"

The lights are on but nobody's home. It's like I'm unnecessary here because you're

so tied up in how you feel about yourself. how do you feel when you get

into that red quadrant? when you're focused on, "Oh, am I good enough? Do I have

this? Am I ready? Am I prepared? Am I good enough? Am I cute enough? Am I smart

enough?" Whatever, right? This creates self-consciousness.

If you're feeling self-conscious... Now, I'm not talking about that healthy sense of

self-awareness or mindfulness. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about

that anxious self-consciousness that happens anytime our focus is on how I

feel about myself. You don't even have to change it but notice it. Now, what if we

shift over here to this quadrant? Now, my focus is on how you feel about me. On how

you feel about me. Do you think that I'm good enough? Do you approve of me? Do you

think that I'm cute enough? Smart enough? Do you think I'm prepared? Do you think I

can do this? Do you accept me? All right, that is our second quadrant here. What's

the effect? Insecurity. That's where insecurity comes from. You're wondering

why you're insecure in this relationship? Is on how other people feel about you.

Just check it out and see if that is accurate. Welcome back to junior high

folks. I mean, do you remember feeling that anxious, insecurity about, "Oh, do I

fit in? Are they going to like me? Are they going to

approve of me?" This is where it comes from. And there's different levels of

that, that's granted. But I just want you to see that when your focus is here in

this quadrant, that's when you get the insecurity. That's where it comes from.

Either way up here on the top, we create anxiety. It's either that judgmental-self

judging-anxiety over here in the first quadrant or it's that insecurity of, "Oh,

do people like me? Am I going to fit in?" of the second quadrant. Either way, we

feel anxiety and nervousness and apprehension. Okay, let's move on. How

Now, my focus is on how I feel about you. Do I like you? Do I

approve of you? Do I think you're making good choices? Do I accept you? Okay, even

if it's positive, can I just add that? Even if it's positive, it creates

criticism. So we've got self-consciousness here, we've got

insecurity over there. We've got criticism here. I said even if it's

positive. Check it out. How does it feel if I approach you and

I'm like, "Oh, I approve of you. Pat you on the head a little bit." How condescending

is that. What gives me the authority to approve of you or not? It's like I'm here

and you're there, right? Doesn't feel right. And people will feel criticized. So,

when my focus is on how I feel about you, that leads to criticism. We got one more

box. This is where we get out of our own way, okay? It's not about me and how I

feel is only secondary. My focus is now on how you feel about

yourself. When I can get to that quadrant, this is the one that I have labeled the

influencer quadrant. We can also label that confidence because I think that's

going to fit as well. We get out of the insecurity and the anxiety of this top

row where it's all about me. We get out of the judgment and the criticism that's

characteristic of these two over here in the first column. It's not about me, how I

feel is only secondary. That's what gives me the influence and the confidence in

the relationship that I crave. You know, if you're feeling some insecurity in

your relationship, that's okay. There's not fun, I know. And you're trying to

change it. Just notice where it's coming from and I'm guessing that if you're

feeling insecurity, you're in that second quadrant where your focus is on how

other people feel about you. Just notice it. As you notice it, it puts you in a

higher level of choice and control. Because maybe you want to do something

about this. Now, really quickly before I let you go today.

I want to give you 4 hacks. 4 brain hacks to get you in to that influence,

confidence quadrant. Notice where your focus is. That's going to help. And then

to hack your way into that quadrant, give social gifts. There's 4 of them that I

would recommend. The first one is gratitude. You express gratitude to the

people in your life that you want to be in a relationship with. In a way that

you're focused on how they feel about themselves, that's a gift. And they will

love it. Be specific. Tell them what you're

grateful for. Not just, "Oh, I appreciate you." For what? Tell them what you like

about them. What you appreciate about them or what they've done for you. That's

the gratitude one. The second one is information. It's a gift. You give them

information. It's like enlightenment. Like something

they didn't know before. It usually starts with, "Hey, did you hear? Or you know,

what I heard today?" And then you give them a gift of information. We've got

gratitude, we got information. The next one is common ground. Common ground is

something that you share with someone else. So you point out how you're similar,

how you're alike. What you have in common. It's a social gift. And then the fourth

one is good cheer. Good cheer has to do with positivity and actually being

cheerful. And using a smile on your face. People are going to wonder what you're up

to. Don't worry about that. Give this social

gift elevates people and raises their mood. The gift of good cheer. Those 4

social gifts will help you to hack into that influence and confidence Quadrant

in your relationships. There's a whole positive relationships resources

playlist here at Live On Purpose TV. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Please

share it and check out that other playlist.

We got a lot of other good stuff.

hands down face lights

For more infomation >> Why Am I Insecure In My Relationship? - Duration: 11:19.

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Mistakes women make when starting a relationship - Duration: 4:13.

For more infomation >> Mistakes women make when starting a relationship - Duration: 4:13.

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The fractured Royal relationship: How Meghan Markle made Kate Middleton Cry? - Duration: 10:25.

The fractured royal relationship how Megan Markel made Kate Middleton cry in the drama-filled run-up to Megan's wedding

Kate was left in tears after an argument over bridesmaid princess Charlotte's dress a new report claims

Even the most modest wedding has a way of making its principal actors

uncharacteristically uncompromising

So one can only imagine the pressures Megan Markel Prince Harry and the wider royal family found themselves under as Harry and Megan's wedding plans

descended into chaos

Unraveling as her father's will he or won't he dramatics up ended months of meticulous planning?

now a new report in The Daily Telegraph claims that the apparent fracturing of the

Relationship between Kate Middleton and Megan can't be dated back to an argument over

Bridesmaid dresses during the run-up to Megan and Harry's wedding when Megan made an emotional Kate who had just given birth to Prince Lewis days

before cry

tension between the two

Princesses has been widely said to be a factor in the announcement this weekend that Harry and Megan are moving out of the London compound

Kensington Palace where William and Kate also live The Telegraph's Camilla tomini a hugely respected

Reporter who broke the news that Harry was dating Megan in the first place writes in The Daily Telegraph

That Freud or between Megan and Cape goes back to the days before Harry and Megan's wedding in May

Domine says that The Telegraph has spoken to two separate sources who claim Kate was left in tears

following a bridesmaids dress fitting for Princess, Charlotte

Princess Charlotte Kate and William's daughter had only just turned 3 at the time of the nuptials in Windsor

Along with her then four-year-old brother George. She was one of the stars of the Royal Wedding to casual viewers

it was all smiles on the big day, but it seems that behind the scenes there were violent pre-wedding disagreements an

Insider tells, Tom

Aney Kate had only just given birth to Prince Lewis and was feeling quite emotional The Telegraph says the incident happened around the time

Megan was reported to have also upset the Queen by asking to wear an emerald tiara instead of the one offered by the

92 year old monarch

Royal sources have been furiously seeking to dampen downs

Dory's have a rift at the heart of the Fab Four as the young royals are known

Trying to make the case that Meghan and Harry are moving to Frogmore cottage near Windsor out of privacy and space concerns

Tension between Meghan Markel and Kate Middleton could be behind Harry and Meghan's move to the burbs

The palace is desperate to stem a story that Harry and Meghan's move away from William and Kate doesn't represent a family rift but British

newspapers smell blood in the water

Tension between Meghan Markel and Kate Middleton could be behind the dramatic decision by Harry and Meghan to move out of London's Kensington Palace

where they would be living in the shadow of the future king and queen according to a new report a

Source is quoted by The Daily Mail as saying Kate and Meghan are very different people

They don't really get on

The official announcement this weekend that Harry and Megan are to move out of their home on the grounds of Kensington Palace

Relocating 20 miles away to attend bedroom cottage in the Frogmore House estate

Not far from Windsor Castle caught observers by surprise

The Frogmore estate is the private possession of the family and the house is not inhabited

It is used for official events and is open to the public only a few days each year

Meaning Harry and Megan can enjoy a high degree of privacy living on the grounds

It is expected that Megan's mom Doria will live at their new home too as she is believed to have recently moved to the UK

Palisades have sought to play down

Speculation that a rift between Harry and William is to blame for the change and spin a line that Harry and Megan want to live

At Frogmore because it holds a special place in their hearts as it is where their wedding reception earlier

this year was held the media management team at the palace looks set to push back against stories that their respective wives have taken a

disliking to each other an

Inquiry by The Daily Beast Sunday night received a Kurt no comment from a duty press officer

although official sources sought to pour cold water on the story by

Emphasizing the quote in the Daily Mail about the princess is not getting on was unattributed

The press are unlikely to be easily warned off this juicy tale

However, which was dominating royal coverage this weekend eclipsing Harry's solo tour to Zambia

There are no shortage of clues on the public record as to how the style and attitude of Britain's two most important princesses vary

From their clothes to their interactions with media and the public the two are clearly light-years apart

The Daily Beast has previously been told by sources that while Kate and her husband are hugely popular with their staff

Megan can be brusque and has been dismayed by British levels of service

Megan was said to have earned Harry of stern word from the Queen ahead of her wedding

following a dispute about what tiara she could wear

Harry is said to have raged at his staff what Megan wants Megan gets in the tense run-up to the nuptials

however

The family has been impressed by Megan's extraordinary work ethic and the enthusiasm

with which she has taken to the role since the announcement of her engagement including a 16 day tour of Australasia whilst pregnant which

Contrasts to the difficulties courtiers have experienced over the years in getting Kate to participate

Kate's apparent reluctance to embrace her duties as enthusiastically as she might was recently demonstrated when she declined to be interviewed for a landmark

Documentary about the Queen saying she was on maternity leave

Sources have told The Daily Beast that it is only natural for the brothers and their wives

to diverge and seek to distinguish themselves as they grow into and develop separate roles, and there has also been

Speculation that the brothers may split their joint foundation sooner rather than later

Williams destiny as king means that ultimately their paths must diverge

but even in the first stage of that progression has Prince of Wales William will have a massive extra layer of

Responsibility running the Duchy of Cornwall the vast private estate that holds hundreds of millions of pounds worth of investments in land

It is always the personal property of the Prince of Wales as the heir to the throne is known

Megan Markel and harry to move away from kate and wills unlikely ever to be best friends

They are the Royal Family's Fab Four

But the Dukes and duchesses of Cambridge and Sussex plan to lead increasingly separate lives after Harry and Megan's decision to move to Windsor

Sources say the two couples who seemed so close when Harry and Megan got engaged a year ago are ready to take separate paths

Although they will both retain offices at Kensington Palace

The Sussex has moved to Frogmore

which is due to be completed at an

Undisclosed cost to the taxpayer before Megan gives birth to their first child in the spring comes amid claims of a growing coldness between Kate

and her sister-in-law

Kensington Palace officials have remained tight-lipped about that and a spate of stories about Megan proving difficult and demanding

But others have said the two sisters-in-law spend little time together off duty. There has been no major fallout

according to those who know the couple's but just a realization that the two women are unlikely ever to be best friends a

Year ago in their engagement interview Harry and Megan gushed about how welcoming William and Kate had been

back, then Harry said and then William was longing to meet her and so was Catherine so

you know being our neighbors we managed to get that in a couple of well quite a few times now and

Catherine has been absolutely wonderful

Megan interjected

Amazing as has William as well

Harry said friends have acknowledged that at 37 and 34 Megan and Harry want to spread their wings

It's not unusual to want to put a bit of distance between yourselves a source said

palace officials have insisted Harry and Megan's main reason for moving to the cottage on the

33 acre Frogmore estate in Windsor castles home park was their need for more space for when their baby arrives

they have lived together a

two-bedroom nottingham cottage in the palace grounds since their engagement in november last year and found there were no options available for them at

Kensington Palace a royal compound once dubbed the ant heap by Edward the 7th or elsewhere on the royal estate in London

There had been talk of them moving into 20 bedroom apartment one next door to William and Kate at Kensington Palace

The apartments longtime occupants the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester

Planned to move out next year and into the smaller old stables now their children have grown up

But the timing proved unhelpful for Harry and Megan

apartment one needs a major refurbishment and wouldn't be ready in time a source said

The palace has refused to say for now how much the taxpayer will have to fork out to make?

Frogmore cottage fit for the sussex

a--'s that will appear in the sovereign grant report next summer in the usual way a spokeswoman said

But when William and Kate announced they plan to move into their apartment

officials did provide an estimate of four million pounds for the cost a figure that grew to

4.5 million pounds before they moved in in 2014

Like them Harry and Megan will pay for the interior decorating and soft furnishings

But the taxpayer will cover the cost of the renovation

Palace officials who were quick to point out that William and Kate would remain in their apartment until he becomes king have made no similar

Commitment for Harry and Megan's cottage saying only that it will be their official residence for the foreseeable future

Previously a senior royal source has said Clarence House has been earmarked as a potential future home for Harry when his father becomes King

Royal sources have denied reports that Frogmore cottage which stands close to the much larger

Frogmore house where harry and megan has their evening wedding reception has 10 bedrooms

It's a fraction of that said one source

But the couple's office refused to say how many bedrooms it will have once the refurbishment is finished

Royal sources have also firmly denied that Megan's mother Doria Ragland plans to move to Britain and install herself at Frogmore

Cottage she will be a regular visitor, but it is thought she plans to retain her home in Los Angeles