It's good for everyone, especially us survivors of abuse, to know the signs of
a bad relationship. The seven in this video are the ones that typically show
up before serious abuse starts. They are warning signs that can help you make
plans to leave before things get too dangerous or before you get more attached.
Hey! I'm Arien Smith and you are watching Arien Inspires, a weekly online web
series where you can find peace, joy, and prosperity after abuse. Protecting
yourself, by knowing these seven signs of a bad relationship, is key to finding
peace in life especially. Keep in mind, though, as I go through this list, that
people do make mistakes. A one-off situation doesn't mean that you're in a
bad relationship. It just means that there's something you need to address. So,
let's jump right in! Number one: projecting emotions onto you.
If someone acts like you cause their emotions, or like their emotions are in
you, that's projecting. They're casting their unwanted and uncomfortable
feelings on to you either by lashing out or saying that you're the one with the
emotion. Like maybe they're angry and then suddenly start yelling, "Why are you
so angry at me?" when all that you did was really offer a small criticism or
critique of something that you needed to change in the relationship. Like maybe
you simply asked them to take out the trash because they hadn't in a couple days.
Emotional projection means that they
aren't willing to own up to their own emotions and that can be a dangerous
sign that they will keep blaming their emotions on you. Number two: lacking
accountability! Accountability means taking responsibility for your actions
and the impact of your actions. Even if they have good intentions, but a bad
result. If you've caused someone hurt, it means apologizing, doing what you can to
make amends, and making positive change. If someone around you says things like,
"Well, I lashed out because you upset me," or "The reason I acted that way was X Y
or Z," then that's them lacking accountability. They're blaming you or
another situation for their actions, rather than taking responsibility.
Explaining why they did something, though, for the sake of mutual understanding, can
be a very healthy thing! Just be sure to also look for a sign that they're
willing to change or that they're making amends. They should acknowledge that the
impact of their actions is on them alone, and they should listen to your side of
things. That's a perfect jump in to number three: when someone doesn't listen.
If your loved one interrupts you to get their own word in, especially if you're
sharing something painful or difficult--even more so if it's relating to your
relationship with them--then that's a worrisome sign. A person shouldn't jump
into their side of things without at least acknowledging what you shared
first. You'll know that someone isn't listening if they don't treat your hurt
and experiences as just as valid and important as their own. Now, of course,
friendly upbeat interrupting in casual conversations or naturally forgetting
some of the things that you said...that's totally normal, that's totally okay!
Number four: they don't respect your boundaries. This one is pretty simple but
it's surprising how often we overlook this too. If you have a clear, talked
about boundary, and then that is breached, that needs to be addressed.
Mistakes happen, so a one-time occurrence, depending on the boundary, doesn't
necessarily mean the end of the relationship. But if they keep refusing
to listen or respect that boundary, walk away. You deserve someone who treats your
boundaries, needs, and limitations as important! Moving on from boundaries,
number five is super important: They don't do the work to grow your
relationship. Essentially, a healthy relationship is built on both people
doing the work that they need to to make it stronger. If your loved one is putting
stress on a relationship, like not listening to a boundary or not
respecting a need that you have, then they should hold themselves accountable for
changing that. They don't need to be perfect and you need to make sure that
your requirements are rational, but the goal is to look for someone who's
willing to modify their problematic behavior for the sake of your
relationship. Someone who's willing to put in the work. Keep in mind that this
is only to a certain extent, though. Healing stress and conflict can take
time and sometimes needs to stop and start or take a few steps backwards at
times. If they are showing the effort to change, then that's a great sign! But of
course, even if they are showing that effort and they're doing a great job at
it, but it's still too much conflict for you to handle. You still have every right
to walk away. You're just not a good match at that point. Number six: they're
overly critical. Criticism has its place in relationships, as it can be
constructive, but if someone is constantly nitpicking you, that's a bad
sign. Especially if that's something that you've expressed you're uncomfortable
with or it's something that visibly upsets you and they don't stop. Just keep
in mind that if someone does set a healthy boundary with us, it can
sometimes seem like criticism at first. That all depends on how sensitive we are
to the subject, so ask yourself this. Is what they are pointing out about me
something that is hurting or stressing them, or are they pointing it out for no
other reason except to criticize me? That will help you tell if they're being
unfairly critical or trying to set a boundary with you. Let's go to our final
one: they ignore you. It sounds like this would be an obvious red flag but, well,
when we're in love--whether that's romance or friendship--it can be easy to
overlook these things. We tend to make excuses for why someone acts in a
negative way. But if someone promises to show up on a date, to call you, to text
you, or to show up on a Skype call, they should follow through. Likewise, if you
have a regular amount of communication, like texting each other back within a
day, they shouldn't suddenly just disappear from that. There are, of course,
situations where a missed call or date or a lapse in communication
makes sense. Like a sudden emergency, occasional forgetfulness, or
busyness, and so on. But if they don't seem apologetic, acknowledge that it hurt
or stressed you, or want to talk about how to fix this sort of thing or address
this situation in the future, then you should probably walk away. Okie dokie!
Well, I hope that you found these seven signs of a bad relationship really
helpful to know. Have you noticed any in your family, friends, or partners? What new
steps in your relationships do you think you'll take after watching this video? Go
ahead and comment below! I'd absolutely love to hear from you and, of course,
share this video on social media too! You never know what other person it might
inspire or help. As always, there are a ton more resources over at UncoverYourJoy.com,
so head on over, check it out, and leave a comment! While you're there,
be sure to subscribe to our email list. You'll receive exclusive monthly self
love letters, weekly blog updates, and free resources I send only to my email
community. Coming to terms with being in a bad relationship can be tough, so if
you're feeling stressed after watching this video, know this. If you leave
someone who's bad for you, new and wonderful people will make their way
into your life. It may be tough for a short period of time, but you'll survive
it and you can always reach out to me for a little bit of one-on-one help too!
And, of course, know that you are loved, you are worthy, and you are capable of so so much.
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