hello and welcome to the softer side I'm your relationship coach Shelley
Carney this evening we'll be talking about how to have a great date
so we're gonna talk a little bit about what makes a great date and I have a
little bit of housekeeping to take care of first and then we're gonna get into it
I'm Shelley Carney I'm an integrative wellness and life coach and I specialize
in relationship coaching this is Toby Younis he's my producer and sidekick our
normal moderators are Jimmy fast and Jason Younis but since we're recording and
not live tonight we don't have moderators but if you do
want to volunteer or if you have any questions or comments that you would
like to keep private please write to me at my email the softer side info at
gmail.com otherwise go ahead and leave your comments just below the video take
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receive notifications whenever we go live or release a new video so let's get
into it here's a list that I've put together
that are some of the major things that are important when you have a great date
or you trying to put one together so number one is anticipation ask the lady
out on a date and then throughout the coming week while you're waiting for the
date to happen send an occasional text saying looking forward to seeing you and
other nice things that you might think of it keeps that anticipation going have
it be something special and not ordinary this is especially applicable to
somebody who's married for many years and maybe you don't want to keep doing
the same thing over and over again have something a little bit special out of
the ordinary a little bit more memorable than just doing the same thing you do
every day make sure that it's well planned if you're going out to a
restaurant see if they take reservations and make those reservations in advance
what else can you think about that you might want to plan maybe you want to
have some flowers maybe you want to make sure your car is washed and has a full gas
tank just little things like that that planning ahead
conversation during the date especially again if you've been married for a while
maybe have something planned out that you want to talk about that's different
than just talking about work and the kids and the home and have something a
little bit more exciting to talk about with each other keep a positive attitude
one of the most important things you can do to keep a date fun and light and
happy is to keep a positive attitude no matter what happens flirting and
compliments are always a great idea if you're in a relationship with somebody
and you want to keep that date fun and exciting appreciation is awesome because
if you offer appreciation to the lady say you look really lovely tonight and
thank you so much for being here with me this evening I'm so glad that we could
go out and do this that's going to prompt her to be able to say you know
what thank you for looking so great yourself and for bringing me out tonight
I really needed this so that mutual appreciation is really going to add that
little bit of extra fun to the date give her a lot of attention make sure you put
your cell phone away not watching who else is in the room but looking at the
person that you're with and giving that person all of your attention ask a man
who knows so we're gonna talk to Toby in just a moment and he's gonna give us
some idea of some of the traditional dating courtesies which never go out of
style and how those will work in your favor and that'll be our next one so
let's go to fullscreen and we'll have our conversation
okay so Toby you've been dating for many many years first as a teenager then as a
young man then as a married man then as a divorced man and you've had lots of
different situations not only in America but outside of America with foreign
people so there's other customs and so you've had a world of experience in
dating so what can you tell us about the list that I provided and throughout your
experience how does that fit and what else whether information and experience
can you tell us about dating so there are actually categories of dating
mm-hmm but I think the one that I like the best and that is part of what I
would call an evolved romantic relationship is what I've always called
the elegance date the date of elegance and it starts with the things that you
some of the things that you mentioned in your list and it includes planning the
date because part of being good at dating is being able to plan a good date
that you know is going to not only pleasantly surprise your partner your
date but one which they'll appreciate and so planning being a good planner is
a respectable characteristic for gentleman by being able to put together
a date like this and then when I think of an elegant date I always
think about you know dressing up in a suit and white shirt with French cuffs
and a tie and you know a nice watch and and shined shoes and showing up to pick
up your date and looking really good and making sure that when you take them you
you start with just the courtesies of holding doors open for them and using a
valet so that they don't have to walk across half a parking lot in order to
get to the dinner and then it always helps to take them to a nice restaurant
in which you've made reservations and in some cases I have a couple
here in Albuquerque where I have tables that I can reserve that I know the view
from that table is nice or it's secluded or whatever I want and it's also nice
when you can go to a restaurant where the waitstaff knows you and knows you
not only because you're polite and respectful of the service that they
provide but that you're a good tipper as well that always helps and then it helps
to know the meals that can be served one of my favorite things to do is for a new
date to ask them what they like because a lot of times a woman will look at a new
menu and be uncertain of what to get or they'll say a couple of things and one
of the things I like doing is ordering so that I know that she gets what she
wants and maybe I get the dish that she also wanted and that way I can share the
dish with her then throughout the night I think one of the important things of a
date on the gentlemen's part is to remain respectful and polite not only of
your date but everyone I think dates could appreciate it when you're not
yelling at the waitstaff and even if there is a problem it is handled in a
respectful way and then keep the conversation focused on her and you do
that by asking open-ended questions and allowing her the time to answer and then
using follow-up questions and occasionally you'll get a question in
return because she knows that she's been talking too much and you can answer it
but you can answer it short enough so that you can get on to the next
question I think the key thing is to make it all about her because that's
what your responsibility is in the date you know if it's what do they
call those dates where the woman takes charge Sadie huh yeah it's a Sadie
Hawkins date where they say I'm taking you out to dinner that's rare but if
you're responsible for the date then you're responsible for the date you're
responsible for the quality and the respectfulness the mutual respect for
each other and enjoying it and having it be memorable and the end of the night is
just as important if you're not in the kind of relationship where
you're sharing a house or a home then you have to be prepared to drop her off
with and not have any other expectations
leave it up to her to make those kinds of decisions but I think the word that
describes it the easiest for me is elegance it has to be an elegant night
even if you're not driving a Rolls Royce you know it has to be it's a Nissan
Frontier it should be at least a clean frontier so so that's how I think of it
and then the last thing I actually learned this for my father my father
didn't live long enough to give me dating advice but I used to hear him
tell other gentleman that he was aware of and one time somebody asked him you
know what not to do on a date my dad said don't yawn and don't look at your
watch right but would both of which are indications that you're bored I'm gonna
add a third one to that don't you know I don't look at your watch and leave your
cell phone in the locked glove compartment of your car because there is
nothing that will put a crimp on a date faster than someone who pays more
attention to their cell phone than they do their date okay well tell us a little
bit about what that would be a good date for like you said if you were in a
romantic relationship with somebody what if you miss or if you were married to
that individual and you were waiting for that you know night without the kids
date night you know that you could have every once in a while it
should be just as memorable and make a point as you go on in life it's later as
you go on later in life in your relationships it's harder to have
conversations and I think it's important that you have activities that are not
dates but that you can do together whether it's you know golfing or fishing
or playing tennis you should have these activities that you do together so that
that can be incorporated into the conversation and you don't have a date
that starts with how was your day and ends with and we need to get Billy
into a new school because he's not happy right that's not a date that you
that conversation you have at home so you've got to have some common
interests or at least interest that the other person you know I never expect
someone to be this fascinated with going out to the shooting range and doing
target practice as I am but part of the courtesy of that is
taking an interest in it in the same way that I may not be as interested into
Fung Shui right designing the house with luxury but that
doesn't mean I can't ask the conversations about the ask questions
about it to learn more about it from them so I'm sorry I interrupted you okay
question I was going to ask say you met somebody online either through an
app or a service online and you've gotten to know each other just a little
bit and you're gonna have your first date what would you recommend in that
situation so a couple of things number one it wouldn't be the kind of date
where I picked up the date I'd likely meet them someplace that was comfortable
for both of us and I think I'd revert to a casual elegance right rather than a
suit and tie I might be more casually dressed but still elegant clean you know
shaven hair you know brushed back showered etc etc and I'm eating in a place that I
would have known by that time was comfortable for them even if it happened
to be a coffee shop right do you want to meet at Starbucks or do you want to meet
for a light luncheon you know your choice where would you like
to have this first date and I would recommend that we go in separate
vehicles so that if either of you weren't particularly happy with the date
you could leave and I think that's what a mature person does what they can say
you know you're different so different to the political bent than I am I
don't think this is gonna work out right but that kind of honesty is always good
for an individual because they're probably feeling it too so I would say
maintain a casual elegance rather than a formal elegance lots of conversation
that means asking questions to find out more about the person and sometimes just
asking the questions will tell them more about you and so I think that's
important the conversation is really important and also it has to be
stress-free right there isn't the stress of oh I have to perform or I have to
make sure that she's happy this first time or she has to make sure you're
happy nice casual conversation kind of a point between both you know if
you live in Rio Rancho and I live in Albuquerque let's meet at Cottonwood
mall or something like in the Cottonwood mall area and then everybody each of
them go in there each of you go in their own vehicles and then you could make a
decision about whether there's gonna be a second date and it still might be
casual there might be three or four casual dates before you get into the
more formal one even romantic one so that gives you the opportunity to find
out about okay so you mentioned for married couples that they should have
their own interests or interests that they come together in to have something
additional to talk about over say a meal or something I know that with my husband
and I we that's something that we sometimes struggle with is is having a
topic of conversation that's not the kids not the house not you know
something that that's family related something outside of ourselves to talk
about besides work you know we struggled to find a topic like that so what would
you recommend so the first thing is that as the relationship ages eventually just
having that elegant date on a regular basis isn't enough to keep the
relationship what I'd call interactive right
and so you have to develop one of the nice things about dates is
you can find out enough about the person that let's say as a child they went
hiking their favorite thing to do with their family was to go hiking
and that had never come up as a topic or one of the things I found out about my
wife was that she and her family used to love road travel and my idea of travel
was you got in a plane you rented a car and you stayed in the hotel and their
idea was you drove and you popped up a camper you know and I had never
heard that story and so I changed that I changed my perspective on it so that
once a year we do my kind of travel but once or twice a year we would do
that kind of travel and so now we had that in
common and then we could as we had our other dates and looked for
conversation we could plan those kinds of trips rather than talking about the
kids and work and things like that so I think one of the important things that
you have to do is recognize what may interest your partner and find out what
you can do about building commonality you know you might find that your
partner likes playing tennis and you never thought of playing tennis well
take some lessons or they you know you spend a week over four hours a week
playing golf with your friends instead of saying do you want to take golf
lessons and we can play together so I think as the relationship develops it
becomes progressively more important not only to allow them the space to
develop their own interests but for you to develop common interests or
you do have a conversation if you've ever heard two people I had a
couple of friends who were he was an avid golfer and she they would come to
the parties and he would talk about golf and she would talk about how much she
hated golf how much time it took it away from him you know that's how it was and
then he finally one day asked her would you like to take golf lessons I could
use the refresher they took a course together and they became avid golfers
together and instead of him going with his
friends and her staying home and complaining to her friends
they started golfing together they got to be healthier Oh golf I'm not sure their
golf necessarily is but it gets you out in the sunshine and fresh air and you're
together and you're talking about your golf game and when you go after that for
cocktails or whatever you could talk about how good you were how good they
were etc etc so I think it's important as the relationship develops to look for
those opportunities for common interests even if it might be something that you
never indicated any interest before you know
and now you do have it and now you have something more to talk about besides
kids and work so no don't get boring well it's it's hard not to yeah
it's hard not to because it's easy to just talk about kids and work and just
say well that's all there is as well you know as well as I do eventually although
you may not be an empty-nester kids are on their own I mean there's almost not
enough to talk about with the kids and you know what your husband does and he
knows what you do so you better go look for if you're in that situation what I
would do is go look for an area of common or something that you can do
together whether it's hiking fishing treasure hunting you know whatever so
that you can have different things to talk about besides how work house and
the kids because you don't have to do that I wouldn't waste a date on what
needs to be fixed at the house well sometimes you need that calm
relaxed atmosphere just to have those conversations like that yeah all right well I think that
covers the dating part of it anything else I would ask would be before or
after so I think we're ready to move on to our last slides and here are my
recommendations watch my videos her romantic hero which talks a little bit
about how to be a romantic hero to the lady in your life and the man's job
responsibilities during the date and this is covering the sentient dating
techniques which are based on sentient sales techniques so it's pretty
interesting and it also help you with your sales jobs take a look at that
video as well I have a transformation group coming up it starts the first
Friday in September and it goes through the whole month of September if you're
interested in learning more about that transformation group and what it can do
for you take a look at my website at the softer side info and that's also in the
description box below I am also available for additional
coaching as needed if that's something that you're looking
for I have a free ebook available it's at the link listed there it's also in
the description box below the secret of letting go and starting fresh helps you
with letting go of your past relationships and opening yourself up to
a whole new kind of relationship with a clean slate and once you've signed up
for the ebook you continue to get additional tips tools and techniques by
email from the softer side next week we will be live again on Thursday August
30th at 7 o'clock p.m. I hope that you will join us and if you have any
questions or topics you would like to see discussed on the softer side send
those questions to the softer side info at gmail.com again that's also in the
description box below well thank you all so much for being here this evening and
again we'll be back live next week Toby and I are both on vacation having a
wonderful time and we're so glad that you're checking out our video this week
and for the softer side I'm your relationship coach Shelly Carney
you
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