Hi, I'm Winna.
Hi, I'm Zhi Min.
Hi, I'm Jia Jia.
Hi, I'm Leah.
And this is, ZULA Chickchats!
So today, we are going to be talking about toxic relationships,
and let's first of all start off with defining what a toxic relationship is.
So what is it to you guys?
A toxic relationship is basically when-
one of the partners has more power than the other.
And maybe when one loves the other more.
A toxic relationship is when-
you are in a constant state of sadness or fear, even.
It's just not happy anymore lah.
Something where you lose yourself as an individual.
You just keep giving yourself to someone.
You just keep giving in,
and your partner doesn't know the boundaries.
Actually I agree with all your points and I think also-
just to have a broad definition right,
it also covers emotional abuse and physical abuse.
It stems from manipulation,
from one party over the other.
And I personally think it's that when someone-
holds that power over you,
like what you mentioned right Zhi Min,
it's like they use this power to control you.
The next question is then,
have you ever been in a toxic relationship and how did it end?
For me right, the toxic relationship actually happened-
between two of my very good friends.
They were actually breaking up and getting back together,
again and again and again.
What happened was that,
the girl liked to hint [at] a lot of things.
Which leads to arguments-
because the guy doesn't know what she wants.
Eventually problems after problems were not being solved lah.
So one time they broke up and they never got back together.
The girl had a boyfriend one month later.
The guy friend was actually quite emotionally affected,
because there was no closure.
For me, it's also like one of my closest friends.
At the start of JC, she was dating this guy.
Throughout the entire 7 months, it was super smooth sailing.
Then one day the guy just like, "Oh, I want to break up."
The girl was very emotionally attached-
because it was her first relationship.
But it didn't end there.
They actually got back together for like...
A lot of times over two years, after that breakup.
For me, I was in an abusive relationship.
I was with him for two years.
For the first year, it was very sweet,
all the honeymoon period.
Maybe it was because of something I did,
he became very insecure.
He started texting this girl.
So I got really pissed off.
Throughout the entire (first) year, he never text any girl.
So I said, "Can you please don't text her?"
And then the arguments just got worse.
There was one time we argued,
and got to a point where he (slapped me).
And I'm like, "Oh wow, my mum has never even slapped me before and this guy did."
And then I still continued staying with him.
(screams)
No, nobody deserves to be slapped in the face.
Like not any human being.
For me also, when I was like 20,
I had this ex.
He has anger issues.
And a lot of times, he couldn't control, he would take out his anger on me.
The biggest thing that happened was,
when I tried to break up with him right,
he exploded leh, he cannot eh...
Did he punch the wall?
No, he kicked some dustbin when we were outside.
I was just like, "What the hell you doing?"
I was always very cautious around him,
I didn't feel like safe, in that sense,
so I felt that it wasn't a good relationship to be in.
It's very unhealthy because I wasn't happy.
You're smart though.
'Cause it took me so long to realise that I was being emotionally abused.
Some people (think) it's like only if you are hit then you're abused.
Besides that, it is normal.
So I think it's like, in a sense, lucky that you got out of it.
So in all these situations right, did the parties involved try to save the relationship?
How did you work it out?
We did have this breakup before O levels.
So I was thinking, "Ok I'm gonna focus on studying,
I'm going to surround myself with other people that are good."
And then he bought me one small soft toy,
and I was just like "OMG, take me back."
'Cause he never really showed [me] love before.
So it's like when he really showed right,
then I was just like, "OMG..."
But obviously it didn't work out lah.
For my friend it's like, whenever they argue,
it's the girl (who) initiates the argument,
because she suddenly not happy with this, not happy with that.
So as a guy, he tried to find out what is wrong ah.
But the girl always avoids the problem-solving part,
and just vents her frustration for the sake of venting.
I mean that's when the relationship breaks down lor.
Like your argument is just for the sake of arguing,
for the sake of expressing your emotions.
My friend, her relationship came to an end very suddenly,
so after that then they tried to work things out.
But it was more like...
Oh, the guy will be like, "Oh let's get back",
and then she would be like, "Okay".
And it wasn't like a, "Oh, what is wrong?"
Like why do you want to break up with me?
So he never addressed why he wanted to constantly break up.
From what I know right,
basically what she does is try to give in as much possible to him.
Like to his requests, everything.
Our other close friend,
we always tell her we really don't like how this is going on.
She hears it but she doesn't comprehend.
She's just like, "Me, me!"
The next question leading from that would be,
how do you feel after the whole relationship ended?
After they broke up or didn't get back together right,
there was was no proper closure.
So for the guy, it was a bit like, "Huh so when is she coming back?"
For the girl, she obviously moved on quite quickly.
She had a new boyfriend but for the guy,
he was left hanging and he kind of like waited for her-
to like realize that, "I'm the one for you."
But that didn't happen lah,
so I feel like in a toxic relationship,
when there is no proper closure for two parties,
it actually harms, like I think,
one party or even both of them emotionally lor.
When it finally ended,
I think my friend, she had a sense of relief.
'Cause it was going on for so many years.
It went on for two years.
But also, she kind of regretted a little bit,
because she always held on to what it could have been.
That kind of thought but I think that needs to go lah.
One of the hardest things was picking myself up,
because I spent so long believing that-
I wasn't enough.
I'm too demanding,
I'm unreasonable.
So it's like it didn't just apply in relationships with a significant other.
It applied (to) every aspect of my life,
as a daughter, as a sister, as a student.
I felt like I was never enough, so it was really difficult.
When I met my new boyfriend,
he took a long time to just get me to trust him.
I just kept thinking, "Oh he's going to get bored of me, very fast."
So I've always had these insecurities.
But slowly, my boyfriend worked through it.
For me, I felt very relieved after the whole situation was over.
'Cause I didn't feel so upset all the time.
And I didn't feel like I had to be very conscious about everything.
I could live like my normal life.
Ultimately, it was the better for both of us.
We're friends now and he has become a much more-
mellow person and he has toned down a lot.
So I feel like it did him good to [be at] a distance.
So the next question would be,
why do you think then relationships get toxic?
In my friend's case, it's because she really loved the guy-
a lot more than he loved her lah.
It gave him the power to manipulate her,
and do whatever he wanted to her lah.
My friends, at least lah, the emotional toxic part-
it really just stems from someone's insecurities lor.
I think when someone starts to lose themselves in a relationship,
that is when everything is going wrong already.
You should never lose yourself in a relationship.
There must be balance.
That you are yourself, but you are also his girlfriend.
Would these relationships get toxic because-
one party thinks that they have control over you?
So it's like when their mentality is such that you are-
It's like you're not a toy lah!
Like what you say also, you're not a possession.
You're not something that he can control.
You have to make your own decisions in life right.
He shouldn't be the one enforcing all his opinions, beliefs and decisions on you.
That's the whole reason why I think these relationships get toxic.
I think the idea of control right,
it's like little by little bit one,
it's not immediate you feel like he's making you a possession.
It stems from little (things) like,
"Oh, you talking to this girl huh, is it?"
Our next question is then,
to what extent do you think it's reasonable for your partner to control you?
Because a lot of these toxic relationships-
stem from control and manipulation from one party.
Some people would argue that-
control is necessary to a certain extent because-
if not you're just gonna break all the boundaries and do whatever you want.
What extent is this control acceptable?
Physical is a simple no, unless they like it.
One thing we can do is to let your boyfriend meet your friends.
I think, in my current relationship,
that's why I did and it really helped my boyfriend trust me more,
and trust my friends as well.
For me lah, personally I don't think=
you should be able to control your partner in any way.
Because I'm the kind like you go do whatever you want,
as long as it doesn't breach the boundaries.
If I find out that you breached the boundaries right, that's it.
You broke my trust and I'm not going to give you a second chance.
For me, I feel like the boundaries or like the ground rules,
have to be laid out very clearly the moment you know that-
you're steady in that relationship.
So if there's any dispute right,
you know what is the 'can' and 'cannot' what.
The final question then would be,
what is some advice you can offer-
to people who are unsure about their current relationship?
Don't make excuses for them.
If he wants to love you, he will show you love.
To learn to have self-respect for yourself.
Love yourself before you love anybody else.
That's a very important step.
When you lose yourself in a relationship, like you said,
it can be very damaging lah.
Don't harp on the fact that you're comfortable in the relationship.
If the relationship is not healthy, it's toxic,
Get out of it.
You'll get used to being without him,
and you'll be fine lah.
My point was going to be-
honestly if you have no idea whether you're in one, ask your friends.
Your friends confirm plus chop right,
will know that this is confirm something wrong one.
You can delude yourself,
but your friends won't delude you, don't worry.
So that's my first advice.
My second advice is that,
don't think you can change them when you tried time and time again, right,
and you try to work it out-
Every time you come up with the same excuse,
"It's okay, I think he will change. After this time, he will change."
If you say that to yourself more than 3 times right,
Girl! Like hello, you say 3 times already.
Like you know, it's enough.
3 times is more than enough.
No, you know why?
'Cause girls we like challenge, so we want to change the bad boy.
I thought it's because you want to be his special one to change him.
You want to take up the challenge and be that girl.
Okay no, no, stop, stop. Like, no.
If he don't want to change right, then just bye bye lah.
So today we talked about toxic relationships,
and if there's one takeaway, it's definitely to love yourself first.
For more infomation >> Former Texas City teacher's aide charged for improper relationship with student - Duration: 0:19. 
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